Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

She sounds bloody rude OP. A simple thank you and a text response takes no energy.

The OP hasn't yet clarified that she's confirmed the DiL has received the texts. She says she never replies to a single text, not even a thumbs up. She hasn't confirmed whether she's asked DiL if she's getting them. That would be step one in my book!

Take care of my sons dog two days a week and l get more thanks thanks you Op. They give me doggie thanks presents at Christmas and are always expressing how grateful they are. This is awful treatment.
Last week we were abroad on a city break and got chatting to a couple. They mind their gc from two families after school and the trip for a week with hotel was their thank you present this Christmas which they were not enjoying

It’s definitely rude of her to not reply to your messages.

But I do think that if you got a thank you from your son then that’s enough. Your son could send photos to you.

I would speak to your son about it all.

You sound like a reasonable, thoughtful person who has gone above and beyond to help your DIL and son.There are some people who unfortunately take advantage of people who want to please and make themselves available in such a selfless way. Whereas other people are just grateful to have this amount of help and thought lavished on them.
I would advocate stepping back slightly - perhaps have a day a week to yourself . Maybe you will be seen as a person then and more effort will be made .

Could it be that she is oblivious to the fact that you would appreciate the texts and pics etc because you see the children so frequently?
I think its still rude she doesnt say thankyou and is potentially selling the clothes etc , sounds like she os taking you for granted a bit.

She sounds a rude madam

You are a lovely MIL I wish you were mine. Just don’t buy clothes anymore & ignore that she is not saying thank you. It won’t be worth saying anything - the thank yous will be because you’ve said something or you will get told you are being so sensitive. You value your time with your grandchildren so don’t rock the boat. But yes, she is very rude.

There does seem to be an issue here that isnt being spoken about.
The GC saying your DIL is selling their gifts you give is significant.
You have a few choices 1. Ask you DIL directly about this. 2.Ask you DS about this directly.3. Ask DIL if the DGC would prefer vouchers and ask from where,if she simply doesnt like your taste in gifts she will say yes, after which you could say send me a pic of what they choose.
From what you have said your son and DIL seem to take you for granted and that can feel awful.Sometimes being too available and kind breads contempt. You could try saying no sometimes that may garner some appreciation.
The not replying to your messages may have multiple causes. Some people are just poor at replying but the sending pics to your other son but not you does seem a red flag though.
In your shoes id be wondering if once i'm no longer useful for free reliable childcare id be dropped like a hot potato.......

As a Grandmother who looks after their grandchild I would say your DDIL is being extremely rude and ungrateful. You are doing a very important job and at best she should be thanking you and sending you the odd bunch of flowers etc. perhaps don’t give clothes anymore for gifts. Give gift vouchers that they can choose what they want to buy. I’m not sure you can expect much more from this selfish women, so I would just enjoy your time with the children and be glad she is a good wife and mother.

Op she is vile your helping her to be successful in her life and job. I would think the least they can do is to treat you on special occasions does she like you do you think? Only because she seems happy to reply to your brother as for presents I would suggest asking what to get kids and if they don’t let you know don’t buy clothes as she is selling them you might as well open bank accounts for your grandchildren so they can spend as they get older because I would find everything she does is rude and I would be asking my ds if there are any issues from her as everything you do seems isn’t good enough for her. Not replying to is very rude is she making a point? Very odd behaviour!

It's DIL that does the drop offs and pick ups. The very least that she could do is aim to have a warm and appreciative relationship with the MIL who, as someone else has put it, has given up her retirement to provide childcare for them.

If DIL can't find a moment to thank her for her gifts, or even acknowledge them, then she doesn't deserve OP 's help. And selling them is totally CFery.

I wouldn't automatically jump to conclusions op. You don't know that the clothes are being sold. You also don't know that the clothes from your brother aren't being sold. That's all word of mouth really. Do your grandkids thank you for your presents to them? If so then I'd imagine she thinks that's sufficient and I'd be inclined to agree. I always make a point of getting ds to thank the person who's got him a gift because its going to him not to me. So it's my job to remind him to say thank you, not do it for him.

I also imagine things are very busy for her if she's essentially lone parenting a lot of the time and holding down a high pressure job as well. Being in the same position myself I can understand not responding to texts that don't require a reply. I wouldn't respond to something that didn't ask a question generally but then I'm not a big texter. Those types of messages are just much easier to read and run and then forget about when your hands are full.

I think if you're wondering about it then you need to ask your son. Do you make effort with your dil outside of just being your gc mother? My mil has always made a point to get to know me, the things I'm interested in, how my work is going, how my friends are doing etc and before me and my ex split we would have gone for lunch etc and I always really appreciated that and reciprocated the effort. And we're still in touch now and even though things with my ex aren't civil, things with her and my fil are. Perhaps that's something to think on as a ways to make in roads with her especially when your son is home and you could both go and do something nice together.

She manages to send photos and communicate with her husbands uncle just fine but nothing for his mother, the children’s grandparent and free childcare everyday. She doesn’t have an issue with his family for them

I understand why you feel hurt in this situation OP. I would put the lack of responses down to feeling exhausted & even stressed with such a high profile job & at times feeling like a single mother. I would take a step back from the amount of non urgent texts. As long as your son offers his appreciation for gifts etc that should be enough. I see this as appreciation on behalf of them both & one less job for your dil.

You are a wonderful mil & having this amount of contact with your grandchildren is the best gift you could possibly receive. Perhaps an idea would be to consider asking her if she thinks your doing a good job or are you missing anything because you'd rather know. Hopefully you would get a positive response with a thank you for all you do.

As someone with the most entitled and self absorbed MIL in existence who willfully forgets everyone’s birthdays, including her grandsons that she spend years berating my DH over because he was sensible in his approach to increasing time when his ex threw him out and SS was just a baby, can we adopt you instead? You sound lovely and I am really sorry about this, it sounds like you have tried really hard!

I would have a chat with your son, say you just wanted to check to had not got the wrong end of the stick but, after staying with your brother you realised that they get messages thanking them for their gifts with pictures and you wanted to check you hadn’t genuinely caused any offence as this isn’t something you have ever received and had always just thought that his wife was just a little reserved, but you would hate for there to be something you had done you weren’t aware of and you would hope he would be honest with you if there was as you would genuinely want to fix it. See what he says.

She sounds incredibly rude.

Awww stopmtryinhbso hard op ,I'm not saying punish yourself or grandchildren but out yourself first and isn't be so eager to help ,she sounds ungrateful and entitled
As for presents open a bank account for grandchildren and put money it for big occasions and but a small token gift ♥️

She sounds awful! Rude and unappreciative!

Sounds thoughtless at best and awful at worst. I hope you can resolve things - is there an opportunity to have lunch or a coffee with her, tell her how you admire her mothering/her career achievements/ what a fab DIL she is …..and gently bring up how you feel.

She does sound very rude. As for her motive, I would guess that as others have said, she resents the fact that she is basically co-parenting with you whilst the children's father works away in his important job and doesn't deign to involve himself in the arrangements that make the family's day-to-day life function.

I work p/t and do the vast majority of childcare in our family, on the odd occasion I need to travel or have meetings at odd hours and need my DH to do drop off/ pick up he will often ask his mum to cover. That's fine, it's between them, but it really pisses me off when this is framed by my MIL as helping ME out. I am still polite and thank her though.

the woman sounds utterly ghastly and entitled

Quite frankly, she sounds horrid. You need to raise it with your DS but I bet he won’t do anything.

I feel for you Op, it is rude and you are being taken advantage of.

(I have 2 friends who similarly can’t even acknowledge with a thumbs up (or radio silence, your description is so much better). It’s been 5 years and I realize they don’t value or respect either me or my time.

So much worse in your case, as you are looking after their most treasured assets - all of the i feel sad on your behalf

I would start by earmarking one day a week “to do yoga/fitness classes/swimming and catch up with friends (so that you have boundaries and they have to value your input more)…
I would also earmark dates early for a 3 week holiday where you will not be available - as an all round reset on their expectations (and how they value you)

If it wasn't for you looking after the kids she could not keep well paid high flying job She would want to fork out for child minders.

You have been subsidising this family's lifestyle for years

She thinks you are a mug.

She sounds, rude, entitled and very arrogant.

Show her who is boss here.

I would feign some kind of illness for a while.You know where you keep feeling dizzy and are waiting for tests and results.

See how she copes without you. You are a really good person and deserve better.

😻👍
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