Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

I pretty much refuse to get involved with buying presents for my MIL or saying thank you for anything we receive for the kids (other than in person when given them, or if they're specifically for me). I send thank you, photos, cards to all my relatives and friends it's not my job to do DHs too. I sometimes feel embarrased but I work full time and don't want this job too. It's up to him what he decides to do I have absolutely no issue with MIl and am fond of her, I just think it's DHs job to liaise with her (id never expect him to send a thank you card to my mum or sister unless it was for something for him).

You should definitely cut your days down by at least 2 per week. Call it doctor's orders.

If you look after your DGC x5 days a week and school holidays - how do you have such little interaction with her at handovers - especially as your DS is gone for weeks at a time?

Do you not chat - or do you just text her during the work day?

What are the handovers like - is it all positive lovely stories about the DC - or are your rushing out the door?

Will you be providing this same service to your other DCs?

She’s definitely very rude and you absolutely don’t deserve to be treated like that. What your DS said “talk to the boss” makes me think that he makes her handle all the planning of their family life and apparently even communication with you. She could resent that and hence feel like it’s isn’t her job too to reply to your messages - when it should be your DS who mostly communicates with you. I resent my DH often for not replying anything when his DM sends messages on the family chat - like a holiday picture. I will at least send a heart or thumbs up but I actually resent it. Because it should t be the case that unless I do it, her messages will often go ignored. Maybe there could be similar dynamic going on.

I can’t believe you have done that much (presumably free) childcare and they aren’t worshipping you tbh. My MIL has never babysat once in 4 years.

She sounds very cold to be honest. I think you sound like a lovely mother in law you do a lot. You absolutely do. You can tell you’re mindful and reflective.

She sounds very thoughtless and selfish . I’d chat to your son . It’s not acceptable behaviour in my opinion . And all this childcare . She has saved a fortune in nurseries / nanny fees! Time to consider your own needs and fun choices first yourself . You are not her servant !

I haven’t had the time to read all the comments etc but she sounds incredibly rude. They are lucky to have free childcare and it feels like they are taking that for granted.

Can you have a chat with her and share what one of the kids have said and ask if there is a reason why you don’t get photos and if there is an issue with the gifts?

I do think it’s rude that she doesn’t reply to any of your texts. In relation to the photos, I would imagine she would think you have plenty of time to take some while you are with the kids but it doesn’t stop her doing it also to build a relationship with you.

They don’t even get you a gift for your birthday or Christmas, that’s horrible @Fallenfairy. I am beyond shocked now, they are bloody awful

It sounds to me like she has disdain for you. There is definitely something here that means she is treating you differently - maybe some expectation that your son leads on all the conversing with you. Does come across as extremely entitled and ungrateful.

same here

She is taking advantage of you. She is rude and unappreciative. And you have allowed this situation to continue for many years. I understand why you have. In such situations the DIL holds all the cards. “Put a foot wrong or don’t do as I tell you and you won’t see the grandchildren” it’s an all too common scenario these days, I’m afraid.
What to do about it is though is a real dilemma. I would suggest you pull back a bit - very slowly. Start thinking of yourself a bit more and maybe be a little less “available”. As for the presents, the children are getting to an age when they can choose what they want for themselves so maybe that will prevent her selling on your gifts. Please, though, don’t spend more than you can comfortably afford.
You sound like a wonderful gran. You don’t deserve to be treated so badly. Look after yourself and good luck.

You sound like a lovely MIL. She sounds horrible. You have been providing childcare so she could at least be civil. Speak to your son or even mention to her like another poster said, that your brother gets photos and messages and not you.

Really taking you for granted. I’d feel very disrespected but realise you’re in a delicate situation. I’d cut back and say I could do 3 days a week only but make a fuss to her and your son about how you love seeing the children and they, you.

I’m a bit like your DIL I think. My MIL is nice enough and we get on, but I know I’m distant with her in similar ways. My parents are a bit peculiar and as a result I’ve turned out a bit socially clueless - although I’m kind and nice (I think!) I often come across a bit odd or accidentally say the wrong thing when talking to others.

My first couple of relationships I really tried with boyfriends’ parents but it still ended up feeling awkward. Now I’m married I feel like the relationship with my MIL is quite high-stakes, so I semi-consciously avoid more than the minimum contract so I can’t screw anything up. She would probably describe me as reserved too. Sorry to say I also leave all the thank-yous for gifts to my husband. Wish I was different but I’m not.

I don’t hear this talked about but I don’t think it is that unusual - it’s possible something similar is going on with your DIL, as you mentioned she is generally reserved and shy.

Stop buying the clothes
Speak to your son

My DH and I are recently separated. However it has come to my attention prior to him moving out that he had not been forwarding information from his family to me and vice-versa. This may seem weird but I would legitimately tell DH to ask them to things or give them printed photos and he was not doing so. There would be times DH had supposedly asked MIL to babysit to have her be unavailable at the last second and then for me to only find out years later that he did not even ask her so here I was upset that I always felt like a low priority when he was just not communicating effectively.

Start asking you DIL what she wants and start sharing how you feel.

There is a thing where parents of children who are hugely childminded by their DGPs think the DGPs love to do it , or think it’s an easy role for a non working DGP, or are guilty about landing their children on the DGP and prefer not to acknowledge what a huge responsibility this is. So DgPs get little appreciation.

This relationship seems to highlight one doing the taking and one doing the giving. It’s obvious which side of the equation you are on. I understand your reluctance to raise issues with her, but if you don’t nothings going to change, as your DIL’s got things arranged quite nicely….for her.

Your DIL sounds a first class taker, and quite nasty, but in a very quiet way. What she’s doing is deliberate/intentional. I can’t but help feeling she’s using you, in all aspects, dreadfully.

But do you sell everything you are given

She is downright rude. Or possibly autistic, that's the only excuse I'd make for this behaviour. [and before I am flamed, I am perfectly well aware that this is not the case for many people on the spectrum, but it is in my personal experience true of some and once pointed out was immediately rectified as a social norm]

I think in your shoes, I'd be quite pointed in my comments and face to face.

Can I check I still have the right number for you? I've not had any responses to my messages for a long time so I just want to check so I can contact you in an emergency. It's worrying when I don't hear back. If I'm checking in too much and you are too busy at work, let me know and I'll just crack on but let me know if there is anything you'd specifically like checked with you.

I had a lovely chat with <brother> the other day. He mentioned you'd sent pics of the children in their new gear/playing with the gifts he sent. Did the children like their <insert garments/toys>? They made the oddest comment that you'd sold them, ha ha !

I've decided to go on holiday in June before the school holidays start as that's quite exhausting so I'm giving you and <son> two months notice that I'll be away for a week/fortnight. Perhaps goldenballs <brother> or your family can step in?

You are in my opinion being taken for granted by both of them. I do think you will see very little of them when your services are no longer required either because you are no longer able, or the kids have grown up and can make their own way to and from school. That is a conversation you should be having with your son if next to no effort is being made to acknowledge just how much you bring to their lives and that of your grandchildren. You don't HAVE to do it.

It does sound very much like that and I think 5 days a week for a retired person is too much, especially as you appear to be treated worse than an au pair. I suppose you have to balance the enjoyment of seeing the grandkids with the exploitation of it . As regards presents you could give them presents that stay at your house.

I didn't like my kids grandparents particularly and the grandmother was particularly vicious towards me, however I organised thank you cards when the kids were little to model good behaviour, their father never bothered taking after his parents no doubt.

well yes, but she sends thank you's and photos to her husbands uncle the OP's brother, so it can only be a spiteful move not a husbands family issue.

I’m curious - do you do thank yous to your own parents just not your In Laws? Whilst you acknowledge your social awkwardness — do you acknowledge the need for thank yous & gratitude in this context? Or do you just not see the social requirement?

Just curious btw not attacking or anything. If the OP’s DS is away a lot presumably the DIL is the only person in the main at home - so OP needs an open line of communication with her surely - in case of any emergency etc. If you were in this context what would you do bearing in mind you’d rather avoid the social contact altogether (if I’m understanding you correctly).