Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

OP is doing a massive favour for her son and her DIL. Full time child care five days a week for more than one child, all school pick ups and any days when the children are sick. Most people would kill for that amount of totally free childcare.

OP's son and his wife must have had discussions about him working away from home. OP had no say in that arrangement so your assertion that she is just plugging the gaps that her son isn't fulfilling is really just completely minimising the huge amount of help that OP provides as though this is OP's duty to make up for her son's dereliction of duty by working away.

The least OP can expect is some civility from her DIL. If she finds OP's messages asking a simple question about taking a book to school such a chore, she should think about how difficult her and OP's son's life would be without OP's huge amount of help.

OMG you’re only asking pertinent questions regarding her DC as you are essentially a primary care giver!

It’s one thing finding a barrage of daily unnecessary msgs frustrating but the poor OP is trying to get valid answers to necessary questions regarding DIL’s kids!!

it’s beyond rude. Does your DS know of her antics & that basically when he’s away she refuses to communicate or even out of basic human courtesy say “oh sorry busy I’ll reply later.”??

It’s invalidating, disrespectful & deliberate. If her DC was at nursery & one of the teachers msgd DIL wld she ignore that too? OFC not.

Beware OP you may be dealing w/a covert Narc. Read up on them. May be a reason why your DS works away so much. The Boss & Control Freak can be code for one. I do hope not as they are extremely difficult to deal with, passive aggressive & actually enjoy playing with the power & control they can exert. Which to me sounds like DIL is. Like caring for someone else’s DC is stressful & her not replying, consistently is heightening your stress & need for sometimes basic contact. She knows that will be how you’re feeling. It’s a form of silent & cold treatment. And the not allowing your gifts to be used by the DC at home is hurtful & intentional. She’s got real issue in afraid. But I’d be wary as once even remotely criticised & you’ll see what they will do & safe quite happy to use their DC as pawns if necessary.

I think she is perhaps quietly resentful that you spend a lot of time with the children when she is at work. Perhaps she would like to be with them. She knows she needs you-that, especially as her husband is away.
I would talk to your son but it might cause friction. Be aware. It depends how he relays the chat to his wife.
Maybe talk to her about some of it. Pick one topic.
Where are her parents?
It’s tricky. The grandchildren love you and that might be worth putting up with her treatment of you.

I am utterly baffled that a mother in law collecting children literally from their mother should be texting her son, who is out of the country, if one of the children can do <whatever>.

I don't know why so many people are hell-bent on trying to excuse what is blatant rude behaviour. It is rude, regardless of the situation, to never respond to a text. If OP text her when she's at work, during a busy time, and she forgets - well, texts can be responded to at any time, and the polite thing to do would be to at least acknowledge it. She could do that verbally, with an emoji, or just by responding to say "sorry, I was really busy".

And the fact that DIL is seemingly quite happy to hand her children over to their grandmother for 5 days of the week, plus holidays, and yet cannot bring herself to respond to a text?! I mean, I'm sorry, but how can you swing that as not being rude?!

Honestly OP you sound like a saint and she is staggeringly rude to you.

If she can’t bring herself to reply to a text from you then don’t do any childcare. I’d send her a text saying as much.

I mean my MiL occasionally used to help and I would always text thank yous. She is basically ignoring you and treating you like hired help that doesn’t get paid .

You might be too sensitive. My DH said thank you in person for DC's eggs. As did the DC. I was busy elsewhere and did not visit. I got. Text asking about the presents and if the DC liked them. This happens even when I'm there. MIL always expects a thank you text as well as a face to face thank you. They only text ever me about this and not my DH. No thank you for the presents I sent. Even though we get along it is tedious. I forward texts to my DH.

It doesn't sound like you have the relationship you would like. Or that you cannot speak to your DIL or DS about this. Maybe speak to your DS and add the three of you to a group chat.

Your DS benefits from your support as much as your DIL and DGC. Give what you are comfortable with.

I haven't read everything but does your ds and his wife buy you good Christmas and birthday presents and treats for minding their dc seeing you are not getting paid.?

Are you the DIL ? If not ,why do you think he ‘pockets all his earnings’ . Surely his earnings are for the benefit of his family 🤷‍♀️
How do you explain the radio silence and the gifts that are sold / never seen ?
My SIL always replies to messages that I send regarding the grandchildren…it’s basic manners!

This situation sounds very hard. IMO she should be extra attentive and thankful to you since you seem to do so much for them.

It reminds me of something that happened with my sister and one of her DIL. Once my sister was watching her son's children for some reason. The kids said to my sister "we had a birthday party for our dad". My sister responded something like "how nice". They we onto say "there were a lot of people here. You want to know why you weren't invited? Because my mother HATES you". It took my sister a long time to put that in the past.

As usual, there are people trying to make this the MIL’s fault!! 😂

I don’t know @Juswannaget
i don’t know any of these people, our role here as impartial advisors is to think about the why. The best way to help the op is to offer all plausible possibilities. she knows far more, so can dismiss any out of hand that aren’t true. Maybe the dil is horrid, ungrateful and rude - who knows - plenty of people have suggested that. Or maybe there’s a different side to this story, one that the op hasn’t considered. - there’s been a few little clues to suggest that, the first being the op herself detailing her services are to allow the dil to work, which is rather a strange take.

This is going to sound weord but is there any chance you have the wrong phone numbers for each other?!

If you text her saying, for example, "mary had an accident and I changed her but shes very upset so I thought you should know" and she doesn't respond, wouldnt it be natural to say ar drop off, "did you see my message about Mary? I haven't heard from you and I want to be sure yiu know as the poor child was very upset and I know she will be looking forward to a cuddle from you."

She sounds like a selfish cow. The cheeky fuckery of accepting free child care and not displaying any courtesy to you at all.
Don’t buy any more clothes or expensive presents, token gifts only, and cut down the child care. Tell your son why you are doing this.

Always the case

I was going to say this - are you sure she's receiving those texts?

My text messages randomly stopped being delivered at one point - missed a text from GP and amount owed for a job done. It was only because I followed up on the invoice that I realised as was expecting to receive something. Sent multiple texts from DH, DD phone and none of them arrived. Totally random (they still got mine), new phone fixed it.

Are you also sure that she's selling presents on? I think it's only a comment from a small child that this is based on?

Regardless, I think the only way to clear this up is a 3 way conversation with DIL and your son, OP. A 3 way whatsapp that PP have recommended is a good idea.

I would also question the lack of response directly with her. So ‘did you not get my text regarding xxx?’ Call out the lack of reply.

Is it a usual thing to dispose of birthday presents etc.

In my house, yes. But a completely different dynamic. Where you are involved OP, we see MIL for short bursts only if it doesn’t interfere with her socialising and we are last on her calendar. Naturally this means she has no idea what her granddaughter likes. But presents are met with a thanks in person and thank you on the text from both DH and I. After the visit, most of the presents are donated to charity or thrown away as they are us usually the wrong size or plastic tat that breaks apart shortly after use.

I think it’s incredibly generous that you, OP, that you offer such a huge amount of childcare. I think while majority of communication does fall on your son, your DIL could be more thoughtful and at offer a thanks every now and then, to start with.

This is sad. You seem to do a lot and you respect “the rules”. I’m glad you’re able to have this relationship with your grandchildren. Hopefully things will improve over time.

I could be DIL. I have enough on and feel comfortable enough in the relationship that it doesn’t necessitate a reply. We know each other well enough and it works. I reply to everyone who I know will be ‘arsey’ if I don’t, the others know it’s not rude, it’s just how busy we are. Speak up, I’m sure if she knew there was another ‘job’ to do, by replying, she’d take it on. Don’t make it difficult. Selling the gifts is a different post. Are they higher value that could buy multiple other outfits? It isn’t always black and white.

what the grandson said needs looking into. Does she really sell your presents.

She is treating you as an employee it seems, although she's not paying you.
I wouldn't allow myself be used like this

Yes but not wanting to be paid and doing it for free are not quite the same. Its good to clarify.

If your son is sending the thanks and photos then I’m not sure what the “thanking and photo” problem is - you are receiving the thanks and photos from your son. Your post was complaining about not being thanked.

To answer your specific points. You are doing drop offs and pick ups as I understand it? My CM, then nanny used to deal with this minor stuff themselves as they were the person communicating with the teachers each day. Questions to us would be more policy - are you happy with this school trip etc rather than can they take a book into school or a series of minor questions and dealt with when one of us arrived home. Plus of course when at work she may not be checking texts (I rarely do on the personal phone, for urgent stuff people know to call) and if she is doing the double shift in the evenings she may simply not check it that often.

What does she say if you ask if texting is the best way to ask questions or if they are happy for you to sort out minor questions yourself? Or if you suggest ten minutes at the end of each day just to check minor points arising?

I used to pass on unused birthday presents - much better than leaving them to rot in a drawer. However I would be checking what the child actually said so ask your son about it. Is it really likely that your DiL is deliberately withholding and selling your presents whilst keeping others? That would be an odd thing to do.

If your son is away for prolonged periods she is carrying the double load which leaves him free to pursue his career without the daily home worries. When he is home he isn’t doing all the child care he is spending time with his own children. Unless he is also doing a month’s worth of housework whilst DiL is swanning around in a spa to catch up?

The whole thrust of your posts was around all you are doing for the DiL when any help with DGC is to the benefit of your son just as much.

Maybe its just time to stop the arrangement. Perhaps it would be better all round if they used a professional childminder for pickups and drop offs. You seem unhappy with the arrangement and whilst you are frustrated with DiL you seem unable to see DS having any part in this.

I’ve been the “away” parent and I’m acutely aware of just how much load it puts on the partner who is home every night.

The son is getting free care, the son is sending photos and thanks.

The present thing - that is the question to ask the son as a child saying “my mum sells all your presents” is something to follow up. One of my brothers used to tell people his mother was a belly dancer, after a joke my father made. Not everything young children tell us is 100% accurate.

The OP is doing a lot of childcare, the main beneficiary here seems to be the son. However if its generally unwanted or unappreciated its time to end the arrangement.

I think there are more questioning why everything is “for” and the responsibility of the DiL when the DS is having is life and career facilitated by two women who seem to be addressing their frustrations at each other rather than him.

Poor @Fallenfairy is providing childcare for both parents, saving them both £1000’s in childcare. Both should equally acknowledge her contribution and value it. Whoever gets the messages should be at least acknowledge them. It’s not just fucking rude, it’s absolutely taking the piss.