Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

You sound like a fabulous MIL and grandmother, if you enjoy doing the childcare I would just carry on as you have a wonderful relationship with your GC.
There could be an explanation to her not replying back to you, maybe after work she is too busy with the children to answer messages or she is plain rude. Maybe she likes to chose her DC clothes because she misses out on so much of their day to day life through working that’s it’s the one thing she can control. She might tell the children to thank you for the presents. She may wish she could have more quality time with her DC instead of getting home from work rushing around cooking, cleaning, homework and getting them ready for bed and feel envious of you especially as most of the time your son works away.
I would ask her face to face any questions you have concerning DC and also if she would prefer you to give DC money as gifts or to put away in a bank account for them when they are older.

Would you expect your son to be in frequent contact with his in-laws or would it seem normal for her to handle that?
I wouldn’t make pointed remarks about the presents being sold. A child could easily say something like that about outgrown gifts being sold after being used.

1. No, not normal.
2. No, not normal.

Sounds like you are being taken for granted.

If you are happy doing the childcare/having that day to day relationship with the kids then do it for them. Instead of presents that she can throw away, maybe buy the kids a treat they can do with you after school e.g. instead of a craft kit take them pottery painting.

Also if you don't already have one, set up a WhatsApp group with her and your son so any queries go to both of them

Yo are the reverse of super- sensitive. You sound amazing and your DiL sound like a rude cow. She sells the gifts you give your GC?? She sends photos to your brother but not you?

I think you should start to be a bit too busy to look after the children all the time. And maybe start asking for photos, and asking whether the DC like the clothes and other things you give them?

be a bit more demanding. She sounds as if she treats you like a door mat.

She's probably really annoyed with her husband and taking it out on you.
She thinks he should deal with you but he just pushes it all back on her.
As much as you sound lovely she probably wishes she didn't have to see her MIL everyday.
She probably feels guilty for working so much.
You say she's a great mother and wife, have you told her? And more importantly does your son tell her that.
My MIL is lovely and a great granny but we are very different people and she drives me up the wall.

No
My DiL and son suggested we all stop buying presents for adults some years ago.
My other children carry on as normal and buy me a present on birthdays, Mother’s Day etc.

@Fallenfairy is this how she has always been with you? When the GC were younger & less independent (now at school etc) was she still equally distant & uncommunicative? I mean you surely must have needed to communicate with her over unforeseen things & general issues to do with childcare?
Also how did it come about that you became their full time childcarer? Was discussion had mutually? Were you asked by them both?
You sound very respectful & mindful of the boundaries & the position you’re in. It’s horribly sad how your contribution is being dented in these passively hurtful ways.
Most parents would be blown away to have a loving GM to do what you do.

This is so sad. It doesn’t sound like either your son or daughter in law value just how much you do for them.
My eldest grandchild is 11 tomorrow, I started looking after her 2 days a week when she was 9 months old when my daughter went back to work after maternity leave. My son in law appreciates everything I’ve done/I do for them. I get invited for meals, they pay for a takeaway treat, I don’t expect expensive flashy gifts but I do appreciate the thoughtful gifts I do receive from them. I then started looking after my grandson, again from 9 months old, when my granddaughter started school so also did the school runs with baby 2 days a week. At the same time I started looking after my other granddaughter aged 11 months on a different day, again both her and my son in law showed appreciation. I went on holiday with the 2 families last year and have been invited again this year.
To me this is what you need, to feel appreciated. You’re being used. And they know it as you probably wouldn’t want to hurt your grandchildrens’ feelings by upsetting the apple cart, so to speak.
You need to speak to both of them, in a calm manner, telling them how you feel, that if you’re good enough to look after their children so much then you need to feel appreciated, not ignored, would like to be thanked once in a while, for them to show their appreciation by the odd bunch of flowers, gift, meal out.
You’re not getting any younger, and believe you me, you won’t be able to carry on doing this much for them forever. I already feel guilty that I don’t help out as much with my 6 year old and 4 year old grandsons as I did with my 3 older (11,7,7) grandchildren.
Put yourself first!

OP this is all happening because your son and DIL have gotten used to using you I’m afraid. I cannot believe that you have been providing so much childcare for multiple children for years. That is complete unacceptable. They are taking you for granted and the fact that they are selling the presents you buy when they already are able to accumulate so much money as a direct result of years of your unpaid labour is appalling. Your son should not be “taking over” from you. He should be parenting his own children. As should your DIL.

How funny, I moaned to a friend today that my DIL hadn’t put the baby in anything I’d bought him, she sent photos of him in his easter outfits. I won’t be buying any more clothing or toys.

Agree with others that you need a conversation about all this with your son. He could indeed send you photos (seems he will need a prompt) - and he needs to be honest about what happens to the gifts you buy (and ask’the boss’ if he doesn’t know).
You are doing an incredible amount for them as a family and you deserve to be cherished for that - not taken for granted.

This is beyond shocking op.

you have saved them thousands of pounds.

either the both of them are utterly awful, or it’s one of them, I’m not sure which. The present is on your son, he should be sorting that. When my mum looked after my two, she didn’t want any money, I bought her a cruise holiday to ish the same money I’d saved.

id have a very careful think about pulling back.

Gotta love on mn people see a mil as ‘the other’ and expect their dh to deal with them. In real life do families who have someone doing childcare not at least talk to that person regularly? Why is it a chore or a tick box or something on the mental load list to talk to a mil who’s minding their child?

Op whatever it is I’d start giving non clothing gifts from now on, this all may not be a thing or it could be but there’s no point if they’re being sold

I think it's because it is "wifework". And the men are getting a free pass on maintaining relationships.

But there's more going on here, it doesn't sound very nice at all.

I could never make my Mil happy, so eventually you sort of give up. But then we never had childcare (she said early on she felt sorry for her friends who did do childcare and she wasn't ever going to...) and now we're making sure she's well looked after but there's no real connection (other than I'm quite sad how things are for her just now) as she wasn't ever that nice to us.

You sound lovely and thoughtful.

What happens if you are ill or want a day off? Or are you superwoman?

Surely you have to tell her and she has to reply?

You are TOO good to them. How old are you?

Sounds like my SD, except we don't provide any child care.

We have stopped buying presents of any sort as we never saw toys or clothes again. We put money in their ISAs now instead.

We never receive photos of birthdays or Christmas. There were no photos of the older DC's first day at school.

There are no photos of me with the DC - ever.

I've got the message, but DH keeps trying. Any suggestion that this is happening is met with a flat denial.

You can only control your own behaviour. We can’t change other people.

you could stop buying clothes - that really is a parents thing or perhaps the kids now they are older. It’s about personal taste and dressing them up so maybe simply stop that.

id look for a new job to reclaim your own identity? Probably wise as the kids get older anyway as they won’t need so much picking up.

also the dynamic here is dictated by your son rather than the DIL so perhaps focus on that rather than her?

Not in any way of malice, but it wouldn’t cross my mind to randomly send photos of my children to my parents! I would send some if they asked, or we’re friends on social media so there is occasionally stuff on that, or they’re welcome to take any photos they like when we’re all together. This particular post just seems to describe one set of people who don’t have time to even think this is an issue (the family with young kids) and another set of people who have far too much time on their hands (the poster keeping a track of who wears what when).

What a shocking thread.
Such appalling treatment of the OP.

She sounds bloody awful. She should be falling over herself to thank you for all you do. You sound like a brilliant granny.

Where's her family in all of this?

Playing devil's advocate. Could she think that because your brother is sending the clothes directly to her she should thank them. Whereas she feels like her husband - your son - has taken care of the thanks your end?

It’s the zero response to any texts that is shocking. The thank yous - of course she should send them. But often in my family my DH texts thank yous to his family- I check he has though. But I speak to my MiL, I reply to her texts and calls and we invite them over.

Does she ever actually speak to you? Does she not want to know any updates about her own children? It’s all very bizarre. You need to cut right down on the childcare. Do a couple of school pick ups and that’s it. They may actually appreciate you when they have to do the juggle!

She sees you as the help unfortunately.

Sounds like she and your son are taking advantage of you. My MIL has looked after my 2 kids for 2 days a week over the years (but one at a time as there are 4 years between them) and we have appreciated it so much often buying flowers, restaurant vouchers, celebrating their special occasions etc and we send regular photos too. The only thing I can think of is that because you see the kids so regularly she feels she doesn't need to send photos to you but she still sounds very cold and unappreciated. You are amazing and so kind to provide so much childcare.

The next time your son is home, have a really comprehensive heart to heart with him just to get the lay of the land.

It does sound that your DiL is not interested in having a close relationship with you.

Could she find you a bit insecure, always afraid of doing the wrong thing for fear of upsetting?

You mentioned sending a text asking permission to allow one of your grandkids to take a book to school, seems a bit excessive really.

You come across as a very caring, respectful Grandmother @Fallenfairy who may just rub her up the wrong way, absolutely not excusing her role in this at all, it must be so difficult for you.

Do speak with your son, that way, truth lies.🌻