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Original poster

Extremely Attracted to Colleague

180 replies

Lustandconfused · 03/04/2026 22:50

Last year a new man started in my office. We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.
About 6 months ago we were on a work trip and spent time together in the evening. It was the first time we had really discussed anything other than work and we discovered we had lots in common from our degree subject to hobbies. This is where the chemistry started for me.
Since then we've spent more time together and the common ground we share is astounding. I am incredibly attracted to him. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He's funny and kind.
We get along so well and have a really easy friendship but I want to know if it could be something more. I think he likes me too but how can I be sure?
We sometimes have moments of intense eye contact especially when hugging goodbye. Last week I'd just come back from annual leave and he said it was good to see me and gave me a hug.
This is my dilemma - if it's all in my head and I say what I am thinking I don't want to ruin a valued friendship. However, if the feelings are mutual I don't want to miss out on what could be the most intense connection of my life.
For context we are both mid-late 40s and single after breakdown of marriages within last few years. I can honestly say I never had this intense kind of attraction to anyone before, not even ExH.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Mamabear487 · 03/04/2026 22:52

I would make sure he’s not involved and wait for him to make a move. If your wrong your whole friendship could be over and it would be so awkward going forward

Fafner · 03/04/2026 22:56

When you say ‘easy friendship’, what do you mean? How much do you see one another outside the office, and in what contexts?

In your shoes, I’d be more concerned about messing up my job than a friendship. If he says ‘Ew! No! I fancy Chloe from Accounts!’ will you be able to continue to have a professional relationship?

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 03/04/2026 23:21

Mamabear487 · 03/04/2026 22:52

I would make sure he’s not involved and wait for him to make a move. If your wrong your whole friendship could be over and it would be so awkward going forward

That's what I'm worried about!

He's definitely single but we don't socialise just the two of us outside of work. We go out with colleagues and end up chatting together.

OP posts:
VeryFussy · 03/04/2026 23:32

If you are both single, definitely tell him you like him.

Not something cringy and over the top but simply 'would you like to go for a drink, just the two of us? I really enjoy your company and it would be nice to spend more time together'.

Life's too short.

And even if he says no, i think my line is 'come backable' from.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 04/04/2026 00:03

I like this idea but I worry my voice and hands would betray my nerves and therefore my feelings. I'll need to practise beforehand...

OP posts:
nothingcangowrongnow · 04/04/2026 00:09

If you are both single, just kiss him - if the chemistry is as you say, it will be easy

Dery · 04/04/2026 00:18

Some people are opposed to dating colleagues on principle but i met my DH at work and worked alongside him for years and know quite a few other people who also met their partners at work and continued to work with them. For me, it didn’t happen often enough that i met someone where there was a mutual attraction and we were both free to date so i wasn’t going to just walk away fromthe opportunity.

It sounds promising. My mum always used to say that attraction was usually mutual and i think that is true. In any case, if you keep it low-key - suggest a coffee or a quick drink after work - it’s easy to row back from that if he doesn’t seem interested after all.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 04/04/2026 00:18

nothingcangowrongnow · 04/04/2026 00:09

If you are both single, just kiss him - if the chemistry is as you say, it will be easy

There have been a couple of moments of eye contact where I thought it could become a kiss but didn't. I feel insane chemistry with him but know this could be one-sided.

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/04/2026 00:23

Think of an occasion like a concert/ theatre / film as and ask him if he'd like to go with you. It can be construed as just being friendly or asking him out, whichever he takes it. I hope it works out for you.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 04/04/2026 00:26

You'll never know if you don't even hint ...

Dery · 04/04/2026 00:27

@Lustandconfused - it could be one-sided but it probably isn’t, at least not completely. There might be other reasons why he doesn’t want to date or it goes nowhere, but there is usually at least some mutuality in the kind of attraction you describe.

I think we’re all rooting for you, OP!

BaguetteLady · 04/04/2026 00:32

Be careful, OP. People pick up a lot more about us than we realise. If you are that strongly attracted to him, he's probably aware of it.

Also, your post is mostly about your attractiion to him. I think if he were equally attracted to you, there would be stronger hints of it than, "It's good to see you."

Why do you feel you have to make the move? Why not let him say what he's feeling, if in fact it's more than collegial?

I don't want to rain on your parade, OP, but it's a work situation - you need to protect your career and your feelings.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/04/2026 00:40

Next time you’re both in the office I would message him saying ‘I could do with a wine after today- fancy joining?’ He’ll either day yes, great, or no, fine - if he’s interested but just busy it will plant to seed for him to ask you another time. When you do get a couple of drinks down him you can steer the convo into love lives and see if he bites.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/04/2026 00:40

This happened to me at work once.

We’ve been together 23 years now.

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 04/04/2026 01:15

If you have lots of things in common, look to see if there are any events pertaining to your shared interests and ask if he fancies coming along. That way if he says no it's no harm done, you were asking someone with similar interests if they wanted to go somewhere and it's not a 'date' rejection.

I've no idea if he is interested in you in the same way you are, but something like that will give you a rough idea where he's at. If he can't make hypothetical event or a coupe of friendly drinks after work, he'll suggest a different time.

TheM55 · 04/04/2026 02:13

If you are both single, and your workplace does not cause an issue / won't cause an issue if it doesn't work out, then it is open season. I think you have to go in low risk though, so you can climb out easily if the feelings from him are just "friendly", and you have maybe mistook some signals - it can happen. Some good suggestions from OPs here too. Good luck xx

AnonymouseDad · 04/04/2026 07:43

Stop complicating it.
Ask him out for a drink, just the two of you.
As a man, even if by some remote chance he is not interested he will be flattered and happy knowing you fancy him. I very much doubt it will spoil the relationship.

Friends of ours had this exact situation and when they tell it. They both really liked the other for about a year but were nervous about spoiling things. Had they missed that chance they'd have done themselves out of the very happy marriage they have now.

I think people worry too much about friendships not lasting after rejection.
When I was younger I really really fancied a good friend and one drunken night I told her. She didnt feel the same way. Now 20 years later we are still friends and i'm godfather to her son.

Don't miss out because your stuck inside your own head.

ForTipsyFinch · 04/04/2026 08:04

AnonymouseDad · 04/04/2026 07:43

Stop complicating it.
Ask him out for a drink, just the two of you.
As a man, even if by some remote chance he is not interested he will be flattered and happy knowing you fancy him. I very much doubt it will spoil the relationship.

Friends of ours had this exact situation and when they tell it. They both really liked the other for about a year but were nervous about spoiling things. Had they missed that chance they'd have done themselves out of the very happy marriage they have now.

I think people worry too much about friendships not lasting after rejection.
When I was younger I really really fancied a good friend and one drunken night I told her. She didnt feel the same way. Now 20 years later we are still friends and i'm godfather to her son.

Don't miss out because your stuck inside your own head.

How can you say the chance he isn’t interested is remote? There’s no possible way to know that.

I get being encouraging but we should still keep it realistic.

Allelbowsandtoes · 04/04/2026 08:04

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/04/2026 00:40

Next time you’re both in the office I would message him saying ‘I could do with a wine after today- fancy joining?’ He’ll either day yes, great, or no, fine - if he’s interested but just busy it will plant to seed for him to ask you another time. When you do get a couple of drinks down him you can steer the convo into love lives and see if he bites.

I feel like this sort of approach is good - casual enough but also has potential to turn into more if he feels the same. Good luck!

AnonymouseDad · 04/04/2026 08:52

ForTipsyFinch · 04/04/2026 08:04

How can you say the chance he isn’t interested is remote? There’s no possible way to know that.

I get being encouraging but we should still keep it realistic.

Show quote history

Just based on the descriptions given.

Tonissister · 04/04/2026 09:04

I think let it carry on as it is and see how it develops. It is SO nice to build a romantic relationship on the basis of really strong friendship. There's way too much pressure to leap straight to the physical these days but if you know you are truly compatible people first, enjoy that long slow flirtation.

It looks like he really enjoys your company and you have a lot in common. The next stage might be to mention to him that you were thinking of going to a talk/show/exhibition/gig/sport event that aligns with both your interests and ask if he'd like to come along as you know he is interested. That way you'd get to see how you get along outside work. It sounds like he probably likes you too but is cautious of starting a workplace affair.

Wildgoat · 04/04/2026 09:05

nothingcangowrongnow · 04/04/2026 00:09

If you are both single, just kiss him - if the chemistry is as you say, it will be easy

For the love of god don’t kiss your colleague, I can’t believe someone suggested that. You could end up in hr discipline process if you’re wrong.

the man isn’t making a move on you, so yes it could be a one way street. But you could text him and say enjoyed our convo, let me know if ever free, we can go for a coffee or drink and continue the chat.

better on text, as you don’t put him on the spot. It also hides your nerves. He will be positive in response, everyone is, as it is rude not to, but if he then doesn’t follow throng or suggest a time and date then don’t chase him

Tonissister · 04/04/2026 09:10

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/04/2026 00:40

Next time you’re both in the office I would message him saying ‘I could do with a wine after today- fancy joining?’ He’ll either day yes, great, or no, fine - if he’s interested but just busy it will plant to seed for him to ask you another time. When you do get a couple of drinks down him you can steer the convo into love lives and see if he bites.

I wouldn't do this. It may not sound very different, but I'd definitely invite him to a shared interest event outside work, maybe at the weekend, and ask if he'd like to join you. It gives him a chance to friend-zone you if that is how he feels, or make a move well away from the work environment. And if he says no, you've not lost face as the focus was on the shared interest, whereas drinks after work signals fancying someone and if he refuses, it could feel awkward at work afterwards.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 04/04/2026 09:37

Thank you all for these suggestions. I really appreciate it.

I like the PP who suggested starting low risk. I feel I could suggest a coffee after work or drink in the bar over the road. We work in Central London and there was an exhibition I wanted to go to so did ask if he liked the artist but then I started overthinking so never followed up. Maybe I could build up to a shared interest?

I think work would be fine with a relationship - I know of 3 couples who met at our work and 2 are now married. He's not my superior but I certainly don't want to be in trouble with HR if I make a misjudged move.

I think a big part of my problem is that I lost confidence towards the end of my marriage and struggle to believe anyone could be attracted to me. However, objectively I know I'm relatively pretty still and make an effort to dress well. It's just going to take time to regain some self confidence. Ironically how you can lose a sense of who you are in a long, unhappy relationship is something we've talked about as he feels it too.

I keep going back to the PP who said that it's rare to meet people IRL we have this kind of connection with. It's so true. I think I was 17 the last time and we ended up being a couple for 3 years. I still think of him sometimes as the one that got away. We eventually drifted due to being at different unis.

I met my ExH online and we got on obviously but never had that spark. His confession to me that he'd only married me because he was over 30 and wanted what all his friends had was part of the reason we split up. However, if I'm honest that was partly true for me too.

OP posts:
Besidemyselfwithworry · 04/04/2026 09:41

Don’t go in for the kiss!
id message him and say “I’ve seen this film at the cinema/ show at theatre/ concert/ event advertised and I’m thinking of going, would you like to come with me” or new restaurant that’s opened to try

if he says no you’ll know where you stand but if he says yes then see how it goes x