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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Extremely Attracted to Colleague

180 replies

Lustandconfused · 03/04/2026 22:50

Last year a new man started in my office. We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.
About 6 months ago we were on a work trip and spent time together in the evening. It was the first time we had really discussed anything other than work and we discovered we had lots in common from our degree subject to hobbies. This is where the chemistry started for me.
Since then we've spent more time together and the common ground we share is astounding. I am incredibly attracted to him. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He's funny and kind.
We get along so well and have a really easy friendship but I want to know if it could be something more. I think he likes me too but how can I be sure?
We sometimes have moments of intense eye contact especially when hugging goodbye. Last week I'd just come back from annual leave and he said it was good to see me and gave me a hug.
This is my dilemma - if it's all in my head and I say what I am thinking I don't want to ruin a valued friendship. However, if the feelings are mutual I don't want to miss out on what could be the most intense connection of my life.
For context we are both mid-late 40s and single after breakdown of marriages within last few years. I can honestly say I never had this intense kind of attraction to anyone before, not even ExH.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Never2many · 11/04/2026 20:25

Lustandconfused · 10/04/2026 21:18

Updating as promised - currently in a wine bar a little tipsy!
I did message to see if he wanted to go to the exhibition this weekend and he replied to say he was pretty tired after travelling back yesterday and was planning a low key weekend at home. We had a few texts back and forth just catching up then I mentioned I was going out tonight for drinks with friends and he told me to make sure I ate (which I thought was sweet) and that he was looking forward to seeing me next week.
@mamacake thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through that. I know any new relationship is a risk especially at work but I do hope he's who he says he is.

Oh dear.

I have(had?) a friend who did similar except it wasn’t a date proposal - we had arranged to meet up for coffee, purely as friends weeks earlier.

He then texted me one sunday night saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t meet you for coffee on Friday as I’ve been mountain climbing this weekend and I’m really tired.” Erm. Five days in advance?

I’m afraid saying he’s tired that far in advance means he can’t even think of a plausible excuse to say no on the spur of the moment.

I would step well back and possibly even cool down the texting.

It’s plainly clear that he’s not interested sadly.

BountifulPantry · 11/04/2026 21:27

I’d step back and watch OP.

Is it just that he enjoys the attention at work do you think? If yes then I’d consider stoping flirting and maintain a friendly distance.

Pull back and watch what happens.

Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 22:01

BountifulPantry · 11/04/2026 21:27

I’d step back and watch OP.

Is it just that he enjoys the attention at work do you think? If yes then I’d consider stoping flirting and maintain a friendly distance.

Pull back and watch what happens.

He’s quite new and likely just being friendly with his co worker, I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong here. The fact the op has misread it and has a crush on him doesn’t mean he’s in some way led her on, if he was interested he’d have suggested something else or another time , he just shut it down, even if he just wanted attention at work he’d have done that, said maybe another time, let me come back to you, but again he shut it down immediately and was kind to her.

I’m not sure thr op getting a crush and misreading it, means that’s his fault any more than it’s a woman’s fault when the man misunderstands.

Fafner · 11/04/2026 22:36

Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 22:01

He’s quite new and likely just being friendly with his co worker, I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong here. The fact the op has misread it and has a crush on him doesn’t mean he’s in some way led her on, if he was interested he’d have suggested something else or another time , he just shut it down, even if he just wanted attention at work he’d have done that, said maybe another time, let me come back to you, but again he shut it down immediately and was kind to her.

I’m not sure thr op getting a crush and misreading it, means that’s his fault any more than it’s a woman’s fault when the man misunderstands.

Agreed. He’s not done anything wrong.

YankeeDad · 12/04/2026 07:28

@Lustandconfused I agree with PPs who say that he must be presumed “not interested” unless he clearly demonstrates otherwise, but I should add one other thing that may be important:

Keep your head held high because you have done nothing whatsoever to embarrass yourself!

I think most guys find it a bit flattering to get that sort of attention even if they are not interested, as long as the woman doesn’t continue chasing after being clearly brushed off. Plus, he may well have been interested to some degree , and then changed his mind. Maybe once you were up for it he thought “shit, this is at work, bad idea” Maybe he spoke with a mate who warned him off of workplace romances. Or maybe he was just friendly and never interested at all. You probably will never know.

But, it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that you approached it subtly enough but not too subtly, and now you won’t have the regret of not having tried, and you can move on, at peace.

Dery · 13/04/2026 09:44

@Lustandconfused - completely agree with @YankeeDad:

“What does matter is that you approached it subtly enough but not too subtly, and now you won’t have the regret of not having tried, and you can move on, at peace.”

This with bells on. I said upthread (and believe) that this was a power move and you have liberated yourself by doing it.

Janey90 · 13/04/2026 10:43

YankeeDad · 12/04/2026 07:28

@Lustandconfused I agree with PPs who say that he must be presumed “not interested” unless he clearly demonstrates otherwise, but I should add one other thing that may be important:

Keep your head held high because you have done nothing whatsoever to embarrass yourself!

I think most guys find it a bit flattering to get that sort of attention even if they are not interested, as long as the woman doesn’t continue chasing after being clearly brushed off. Plus, he may well have been interested to some degree , and then changed his mind. Maybe once you were up for it he thought “shit, this is at work, bad idea” Maybe he spoke with a mate who warned him off of workplace romances. Or maybe he was just friendly and never interested at all. You probably will never know.

But, it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that you approached it subtly enough but not too subtly, and now you won’t have the regret of not having tried, and you can move on, at peace.

Absolutely this. You have escaped with your dignity intact OP, just promise me you will leave it there!

Ariela · 13/04/2026 12:26

@Lustandconfused It is, of course, perfectly possible to continue a great work friendship even if things don't work out as anything more than a work thing. While I hope it works out for you, I can vouch for the remaining friends thing working well.

In my early 20s I had the hugest of crushes on a guy I saw perhaps 2-3x a month for work, We'd chat like the very best of friends for a good hour or more, and just got on amazingly well. We'd both mildly flirted a bit but nothing came of it. I did decide I'd ask him out at one point but always got thwarted by work colleagues popping up at the wrong moment, he was really knowledgeable everyone knew and respected him and people always sought out his help so we were rarely alone for long! Then one day we had to go together somewhere away from work and he said 'Oh I'm going to the pub straight after we get back, why don't you come too?' Really thought he was asking me out but no, he was just being polite and it turned out, being Mr Popular I didn't get to speak to him really, so I determined to Get Over It, and then in time, as our work situations changed, we naturally saw less of each other for a few years, and really gave him no more thought romantically other than pleased to see each other when we did. Yes colleagues did sometimes comment how we always chit chatted a lot and got on really well, but really nobody could say we were ever an item.

So over the next few years we continued to see each other work-wise at least once or twice a year sometimes more and always got along just as we always did.

Then one day 10 years on we were together at yet another work related thing and chatting away as usual - and he confessed he always liked me and had always thought that as we got on so well we could perhaps make a great couple and asked me out! I was SO shocked and surprised I just said no, I said I thought the moment had passed 10 years ago and whilst I really enjoyed his company I didn't think I really wanted to change anything now. He accepted that, apologised for asking and hoped it wouldn't make work awkward as he valued our friendship just as it was. Neither of us ever mentioned it again, but we both just caried on exactly as before. Nothing changed. St ill pleased to see each other. Still got on, nothing awkward.

Well time has progressed and over 45 years after first meeting despite changing jobs and circumstances, he's a bit older now retired, in the intervening 30 years we'd both married (to others), had kids, etc etc, we've continued as very good friends whenever we see each other, except now we tend to update more on the angst of our kids/ teenagers now young adults, as opposed to work stuff! Sometimes we've gone quite a few years without seeing each other or speaking on the phone although word does get back from time to time via mutual friends of which we have quite a few - we move in different circles but they overlap on the edges, but when/if we do get together we just pick up exactly where we left off, to the extent at an event we bumped into each other last year and chatted for ages, later got seriously quizzed by one of his friends who wouldn't believe we hadn't actually spoken for well over 5 years and wondered who exactly I was and where I'd been hiding! He's definitely remained best friend territory and nothing more - he's always delighted to see me, as I am him, gets on well with the family, is very kind, honest, would always help you if he can, but nothing more.

So it can work to remain as very good friends if not the happy ever after romantic ending we are all hoping for you @Lustandconfused

BuiltToDrift · 13/04/2026 13:29

Well done on being brave, OP. I thought he was interested from what you said earlier, so it was perfectly reasonable for you to test the waters. I think you both handled it well and things will be fine at work.

Lustandconfused · 13/04/2026 19:46

@ariela that's a lovely story. Did you ever regret saying no when he asked you?
I saw him in the office today and he asked how my weekend was but didn't mention the exhibition. We had a nice chat and walked to the tube together. He still gave me a hug goodbye so I gave him a big beaming smile and went on my way.
I know PPs have said to pull back from the friendship but I enjoy our evening walk and catch up. Our hug tonight was initiated by him and was friendly but not lingering.

OP posts:
Lustandconfused · 13/04/2026 19:47

Thank you all for being so supportive! It's hard navigating being single after so long with someone and you've all been so kind but honest with me ❤️

OP posts:
Missj25 · 13/04/2026 20:58

Lustandconfused · 13/04/2026 19:46

@ariela that's a lovely story. Did you ever regret saying no when he asked you?
I saw him in the office today and he asked how my weekend was but didn't mention the exhibition. We had a nice chat and walked to the tube together. He still gave me a hug goodbye so I gave him a big beaming smile and went on my way.
I know PPs have said to pull back from the friendship but I enjoy our evening walk and catch up. Our hug tonight was initiated by him and was friendly but not lingering.

Hey OP 👋.
I can understand him being tired after travelling & not wanting to go to expedition, he didn’t suggest meeting up another weekend though either at the same time .
It’s coming across that he would like a friendship & not anything romantic.

gettingbyalready · 13/04/2026 21:10

Ask him how he feels about you, atleast youll know. You dont want to get years down the line & think "what if"

Janey90 · 13/04/2026 21:46

gettingbyalready · 13/04/2026 21:10

Ask him how he feels about you, atleast youll know. You dont want to get years down the line & think "what if"

Please do not do this!

SleepingStandingUp · 13/04/2026 22:38

Op I would text him. Then your voice or nerves wing betray you and if he declines it's easier to pretend it didn't happen.

Just something simple. Remember I mentioned the Dali exhibit? I definitely want to go, would you be interested in coming? Maybe we can grab something to eat whilst we're out?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2026 04:12

Just be careful is all I’ll say. If you’re perimenopausal you’ll be very turned on probably and you could misread signals.

He may want a relationship, but he may just want to be friends.

LazyCatLtd · 14/04/2026 06:31

gettingbyalready · 13/04/2026 21:10

Ask him how he feels about you, atleast youll know. You dont want to get years down the line & think "what if"

I think he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want anything more.

Wildgoat · 14/04/2026 06:57

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2026 04:12

Just be careful is all I’ll say. If you’re perimenopausal you’ll be very turned on probably and you could misread signals.

He may want a relationship, but he may just want to be friends.

Good grief.

I do wonder if folks struggle thid much in real life.

hes made it clear, hes pretended it didnt happen and tried to carry on as normal. Good for him. The op is matching his energy, its done.

Missj25 · 14/04/2026 07:38

Janey90 · 13/04/2026 21:46

Please do not do this!

I know ffs 🙈

Missj25 · 14/04/2026 07:41

SleepingStandingUp · 13/04/2026 22:38

Op I would text him. Then your voice or nerves wing betray you and if he declines it's easier to pretend it didn't happen.

Just something simple. Remember I mentioned the Dali exhibit? I definitely want to go, would you be interested in coming? Maybe we can grab something to eat whilst we're out?

Why on Earth would she do this ????
She has already invited him out , he declined & didn’t propose doing another time , so leave it at that then !

ForCosyLion · 14/04/2026 07:55

Don't get your honey where you get your money.

It's worked out for the best.

DaphneduM · 14/04/2026 08:17

I think you've navigated this very well. You've been subtle and your friendship - which you value - is intact.

For whatever reason, he's signalling that while he values your friendship, he doesn't want to take it any further at present. If a man is very keen on a relationship, they will jump at the chance to go on a 'date'. Of course your friend might change his mind further on.

I was in your situation, divorced after a pretty bruising time, with my self-confidence low. I also met a nice, chatty guy at work and didn't think anything of it. Until one day on the stairs, I thought - goodness this guy is really handsome.

Luckily my desk was right near the signing in and out board, so we often chatted when he passed by. It was coming up towards Christmas and he mentioned a Santa type event on a steam train (I had a young child) but he was so ambiguous I wasn't sure whether he was asking me to go together with him, or whether he was suggesting it as something my mum and I could do with my child!

Once clarified, it was our first date - and we were married within the year. He told me that he was unsure how to proceed at the time, and one of his friends suggested he should send me a Christmas card! Actually by Christmas he was spending it with me! We've had thirty one Christmas's together now!

I hope you do find someone lovely to share your life with. Meanwhile, enjoy your friendship, you never know it might eventually change into something more.

Lustandconfused · 14/04/2026 11:47

@DaphneduM that's a beautiful love story. Congratulations!

I don't think mine will have the happy ending but I do so value his friendship regardless.

OP posts:
Ariela · 14/04/2026 14:17

@Lustandconfused No, I absolutely did not regret turning him down, although I could see he was sad at my decision at the time, but he did absolutely know why I said no and later, many many years later, we did discuss the topic briefly when discussing being actually 60 something yet still feeling 25, and agreed it was definitely for the best, so I know he is quite happy with the way things turned out too (aside from which I'd probably never have got together with DH who is amazing, nor he with his lovely wife - she's nothing like me and actually brilliant for him). Whilst he is so nice and kind and thoughtful, realistically I reckon we'd have upset the working relationship in one way or another - and our working together was somewhat crucial to the operation at the time, so as it stands I'm very glad we didn't (might never have got the results that led to my best promotion for example) and while others I've worked with have fallen by the wayside, I am still really glad to be able to count him among my best of friends. I do love our big catchups on gossip every now and then, even if it does raise a few eyebrows when we chat non-stop for an hour plus! It's a bit like seeing one of my brothers I've not seen for months, we do know each other really well but the passage of time doesn't seem to matter, we just pick up where we left off.

MaxTalk · 14/04/2026 14:58

Yep he is not interested IMO. Oh well, time to forget him. To be honest work relationships are very tricky and I wouldn't go there if you value your job.

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