Extremely Attracted to Colleague

[Lustandconfused]

Last year a new man started in my office. We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.
About 6 months ago we were on a work trip and spent time together in the evening. It was the first time we had really discussed anything other than work and we discovered we had lots in common from our degree subject to hobbies. This is where the chemistry started for me.
Since then we've spent more time together and the common ground we share is astounding. I am incredibly attracted to him. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He's funny and kind.
We get along so well and have a really easy friendship but I want to know if it could be something more. I think he likes me too but how can I be sure?
We sometimes have moments of intense eye contact especially when hugging goodbye. Last week I'd just come back from annual leave and he said it was good to see me and gave me a hug.
This is my dilemma - if it's all in my head and I say what I am thinking I don't want to ruin a valued friendship. However, if the feelings are mutual I don't want to miss out on what could be the most intense connection of my life.
For context we are both mid-late 40s and single after breakdown of marriages within last few years. I can honestly say I never had this intense kind of attraction to anyone before, not even ExH.
What would you do?

I don’t know about this. I’m sure men are often looking for something casual or a bit off an ego boost (and women can be looking for that too) but I disagree with a strict application of “if he wanted to he would” when it comes to the early stages of a potential relationship. It’s scary for men too! There’s a lot of second guessing from both sides and easy to miss each other even with the best of intentions.

At one point I was chatting to a guy for a while — actually we’d met at work as well — and he could be a bit flakey with replying in good time, made me a bit insecure. But I was convinced he liked me and I definitely liked him and after a while I just told him so. And he was properly keen after that, wanting a relationship not a fling. He’d just been quite cautious and it came across similar to what you’re describing, hints that maybe there’s something but without action. If I’d done as you suggest it would have communicated to him I’m not interested and it would have fizzled out. Being proactive and up front worked out much better.

I really am very invested so keep posting (living vicariously here) - but @Riapia has nailed it: this is exactly the kind of situation where it is far better to regret having delicately tried without success (which, in fact, I don't think you would regret) than regret having not tried at all.

Sometimes I run probabilities on what I'm thinking about doing.

Here goes:

1. You use one of the clever maneuvers suggested by PPs, he responds positively and you go on to a beautiful relationship.
2. You use one of the clever maneuvers and he turns you down but there are no aftereffects.
3. You use one of the clever maneuvers, he turns you down and there's awkwardness afterward.
4. You use one of the clever maneuvers and you go out but he has a completely different intent that is not what you want.
5. You use one of the clever maneuvers and have a relationship that later goes pear-shaped and it's uncomfortable at work.

That's a 40% probability of something either terrific or not too bad, and a 60% probability of something either disappointing or actively unpleasant. You have to make up your mind that you can easily live with any of the above because you don't really know what will happen.

I have definitely decided that I need to make some kind of gentle suggestion to test the waters. I can live with 40/60 and certainly don't feel like it would be intolerable at work if things didn't work out. We are part of a big team of different functions.
I will let you all know how my text is received on Friday.
Oh and I just remembered two more things that made me think he might be interested since I'm getting a lot of courage from those of you who think these are positive signs. I also don't think he's breadcrumbing. He is not arrogant or showy at all. Just a really nice bloke. His charisma comes from his effortless cool and general positive attitude.
We were once in a room that had been stuffy when I went in, I asked if he thought it still was and he said no it now smelt of my perfume and he definitely didn't mean it like my perfumeis overwhelming. Another time he made sure I got some food when there were work drinks as he noticed I was a bit tipsy and he took me outside for fresh air. We were having an amazing conversation, sitting really close, I thought we might kiss but then a bunch of our colleagues turned up. This was about 3 months ago and we haven't had another social event since.
Do those interactions sound positive??

He talked about your perfume in a positive way - yeah that's a really good sign that enjoys your scent which means he is 100% attracted to you.

I’m really invested in this now!! 😁

Perfume one, yes. But the second example no. He got you food because you were pissed and was kind.

Honestly I hate to be the voice of doom but I’d be very suspicious of him. If he’s capable of that level of flirting, mentioning your perfume, he’s capable of asking you out. He just sounds like he’s a head worker who knows exactly what he’s doing. You’ve got him on a pedestal. The balance is already off

I don’t agree. He just may be very cautious given his previous relationship. Not all men are super confident .

They sound like wonderful moments!

I think giving low risk opportunities that could be taken either way is the best way to start.

I’d say the signs are definitely there that this is mutual. He might be cautious as he doesn’t know how you feel, but one of you needs to try and take it to the next level; the text about going to the exhibition sounds like a great idea, do keep us posted.

So what I do is make it easy to ask me out. How I do this is mention a film I really want to see, a restaurant I really want to go to, a museum or show I really fancy seeing. I make it really obvious.

i also do the eye contact triple thing. (Eye eye lips). If you look at a man’s lips he will know!

if he doesn’t ask you ask doing that he’s not interested.

This seems the best suggestion. I wouldn't ask him for a drink at this stage - start casually flirting with him and see if he reciprocates.

This is good advice - you’re hinting at an open door, but not creating an awkward situation

@seanconneryseyebrow that’s a great idea. I have not heard of the eye eye lips thing! I am on line dating at the moment which is proving to be dire so far but if I do ever fancy someone I shall be remembering this tactic 😂

Apparently its a thing now. Its called the 'triangle method'. But just looking at a guys lips for a few seconds then looking up usually does the trick. Try it on a mate - its really powerful stuff. And you haven't said or done a thing! If hes not interested you will know cos he will squirm and avoid you after. Its like a giant 'I FANCY THE PANTS OFF YOU' but without having to say a thing. Its brilliant.

Its also great cos even when you know they like you but things are going slow - like in OLD - it speeds things along. So if you want a kiss its also saying 'KISS ME NOW' and they always do.

I was OLD for ages and it has a 100per cent success rate. Scorcery! 😁

I just talked to my boyfriend about it, because on our first date I did it on him. I was super into him and after 2 hours of what I thought was pretty obvious flirting I did it as I didn't think things were progressing. He said he had no clue up to that point I was into him and was worried the date was a fail and it was going to end soon (idiot) - and then he was like 'oooohhh shes into me'. He didn't know why though - he just said the vibe changed and he knew and then he went in for the kiss.

See - scorcery! 😁

Great advice. Now I just need to find someone I fancy to test it out! Is there any sorcery for that 🤔

If he wanted to he would imo, he hasn’t asked you out after a year regardless of signs that he might be interested, he might describe these signs as being friendly or friendship. I would maintain the friendship and concentrate on other opportunities.

The staring at lips? I’d worry I’d got a cold sore, lipstick on my teeth or - die - food stuck somewhere.

It all sounds very positive for OP. There are some good suggestions here. But reminds me of a colleague who invited the object of her affections to dinner. He readily accepted. She was so excited… until he asked her “what time are the others arriving?” There was a rapid fizzling out after that.

Fully invested in this thread.

Would also add my story - I met DH at work - same as OP, not the same team but worked very closely. We had got pretty flirty and I was sure he liked me and that I had also been quite obvious. But he didn't make a move. In the end I just said shall we go for a drink later after work? And that was that. Been together 15 years now.

I think those saying "oh if he liked you he'd have done something already" are missing the big differences of the workplace environment. Especially in these times men are quite worried about making a move, however much they've been given the signals. It's not just embarrassment you risk if you're wrong. Ultimately I think this is good because the number of sleazy arseholes I experienced early in my career definitely outweighs the number of office relationships (2!) But I think it often leaves the onus on the woman to do the asking, also not a bad thing either. So I think go for it OP, use one of the brilliant suggestions upthread to leave yourself with plausible deniability in case you've read it wrong and need to back out. But I don't think you have 😉

I don't know if I have the guts to do the eye, eye, lip thing but if I feel bold I'll try. I have visions of him asking me if I've got something in my eye!

@BungleTheBear I do think the workplace factor is playing a major part. I love your story though!!

I know the company he used to work for and it would definitely have been frowned on there. Current company requires disclosure to HR and not being in management reporting line.

I haven't made a move on him in 6 months and I'm definitely interested so I don't think it's impossible he may have had the same hesitation. Work does complicate things compared to OLD where intentions are clear.

That's a very negative view of men! I know it applies to a lot of them, but there are also plenty of decent ones out there who wouldn't dream of playing games like that and are maybe a bit shy or insecure.

I had a situation with a friend, whereby I'd begun to find him attractive but wasn't sure of his feelings and didn't want to embarrass myself or make things awkward.

Several months into this, he invited me out, just me. I was super excited until he messaged again a few minutes later suggesting we also invite some mutual friends. I bit the bullet and phoned him saying how disappointed I was, and that I'd thought it was a date. He said he had hoped it would be a date but he lost confidence, convinced himself I didn't feel the same and suggested inviting others as a cover.

That was 21 years ago. We're married with kids. I honestly don't think he'd have ever found the courage to let me know how he felt.

And yet he's very confident in other areas of his life and a totally competent and capable person, which was a bitlg part of why I was attracted to him. As I expected, he's always been totally engaged in family life and more than pulled his weight. In fact now that I have a serious illness I couldn't ask for a better person to go through it with me. (Before anyone suggests he's a bit lame/wet due to not asking me out properly!)

@LittleRoom the difference there is that he was trying to physically see you in person.

He sounds a very pleasant chap and if relationships were frowned upon in his old workplace it’s no wonder he would be hesitant. Good luck x