Extremely Attracted to Colleague

[Lustandconfused]

Last year a new man started in my office. We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.
About 6 months ago we were on a work trip and spent time together in the evening. It was the first time we had really discussed anything other than work and we discovered we had lots in common from our degree subject to hobbies. This is where the chemistry started for me.
Since then we've spent more time together and the common ground we share is astounding. I am incredibly attracted to him. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He's funny and kind.
We get along so well and have a really easy friendship but I want to know if it could be something more. I think he likes me too but how can I be sure?
We sometimes have moments of intense eye contact especially when hugging goodbye. Last week I'd just come back from annual leave and he said it was good to see me and gave me a hug.
This is my dilemma - if it's all in my head and I say what I am thinking I don't want to ruin a valued friendship. However, if the feelings are mutual I don't want to miss out on what could be the most intense connection of my life.
For context we are both mid-late 40s and single after breakdown of marriages within last few years. I can honestly say I never had this intense kind of attraction to anyone before, not even ExH.
What would you do?

It sounds promising OP. Keep us posted

Rather than ask him direct to an exhibition/film etc, you could say do you think this film would be any good etc and that give him the the opportunity to suggest you go together. That way you haven't had an outright refusal and awkwardness. All the best. Really hope it works out. I love a happy ending!

Just seen your last msg
Sorry should've 'read the whole thread'. My post still applies. I'm excited on your behalf!

You say you call and text outside of work but you have to wait a week till he comes back? Why? Just text him.

Tbh after this long if he was interested he would have made a move IMO.

and today it's you.

He laid eyes on you a year ago. If he wanted to ask you out he would have done it. The trouble with asking men out is they will often go with it even if not that interested and then it’s confusing. I wouldn’t be making any moves at all

❤️

I wish you luck OP. As you say you text outside of work, why not message him today to wish him a Happy Easter and ask what he’s up to today/tomorrow? If he hasn’t got any plans, why not say you’re looking for something to do and does he fancy joining you at x, y or z? If he’s not interested, you’ve got a week without seeing him for any awkwardness to dissipate.

Totally agree with PP.

You text outside of work so it wouldn't be weird of you to text him today and say 'Happy Easter' and just ask if he has any nice plans for today. Open the chatting and then be brave!!

Go for it.

I have gone up north to see my parents and sister's family for Easter and he's on an overseas holiday so I think it would be weird to text him today. He's flying back Thursday but not working until the following week so I could message Fri to see how his holiday was and suggest going to the exhibition next weekend.

He's got an easy out if he doesn't want to since he'll only have just got back but maybe it will plant the seed and put the ball in his court??

He is definitely single but I do think the don't date a colleague thing is more common where he used to work than in our current company. He started last summer but it was only when we went away with work last autumn that we properly spoke.

Our roles definitely overlap but we don't work in the exact same role so could have less contact if needed. I don't think it would cause too many raised eyebrows if it did work out as there are other couples who have met here.

I think the fact it's been 6 months of growing a friendship that is making me hesitant as why hasn't he made a move if he's interested? I think he also lacks a bit of confidence having had his only LTR break down too.

I'd not been single for 25 years so it all feels new. I hadn't expected to feel like this about someone and definitely wasn't looking. I was actually loving the independence for the first time in my adult life tbh. He is so amazing though - smart, interesting, competent, funny and a silver fox! I don't want him to slip away. Eek.

I know after creating this thread I need to seize the day.

You simply need to go for it OP and find out if you can have a relationship otherwise it will destroy your train of thought.

Also how sexy in a man is competence at life after being married to a man-child? I swear that is a big part of why I'm drawn to him.

Men definitely make the move if they want to. You’ve given him all the green lights he needs by chatting to him outside of work by phone and text. What I would actually do is stop responding to any texts that aren’t about meeting up. If they like you men want to see you. Lots of guys use women for ego massage by breadcrumbing them with texts and phone calls. I would wager this is your situation. He just wants to know he can have you if he wanted you and every time you answer that text or take that phone call he gets that assurance and that’s enough for him. You may find he agrees to a date but I bet the behaviour continues, you will blame his LTR breakdown…

Oh yes 100% im with you there!

This is a great idea, opens the possibility of a drink together but there is no pressure in the moment. Keep us posted

This is a very good point. I hadn't thought of that! OP's situation has reminded me of a time long ago when I had a massive crush on a guy I worked with sort of closely. I got vibes from him that he liked me too and we went out with others in a friendship group. I knew he was in a long distance relationship but they were thinking of ending it. On one of these night outs he said I could spend the night at his place to save getting a taxi home. It ended up with us kissing and him inviting me to his bed but I declined and stayed in his spare room. I know there are lots out there who would say what was I thinking?! I should've gone to bed with him! But I didn't want it to be a quick shag, I wanted more. So that was that and we continued working together. The friendship fizzled out and nothing came of it and as far as I know, he continued the relationship he was in. In fact, I saw him a few years ago with his girlfriend/wife. He seemed overly happy to see me and I thought if only she knew! I still get sad over that time as we had chemistry and nothing came of it. 😔

@BooseysMom the thing is in that situation if he’d have been interested in a proper relationship with you he wouldn’t have been put off by you needing more time before hopping into bed with him. By holding back you gave him the space so you could gauge his level of interest. Men reveal themselves in the silences. You do not need to lead them by the nose. He could have followed up after that night and asked you out but he didn’t. Saved yourself some heartache I’d say .

No don't just kiss him. Why would anyone do that? Just ask him out for a coffee.

Pyjamatimenow thank you for saying this. I did the right thing after all. I had spent a lot of years kissing and jumping into bed with frogs who disappeared the first sign that I wanted a more serious relationship. I shudder to think of the years I wasted on these users. I expected better from him, however. I guess he just didn't have the bottle to end things with his gf, or just decided he loved her and wanted to make it work even though it was long distance. In fact, I do wonder whether the woman I saw him with a few years ago was the same woman. It could well have been someone else which makes me feel worse in a way.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

@Lustandconfused - that sounds like a good plan. A male poster upthread (who thinks this all sounds positive) has also said men often find it harder to make a move now than they used to, particularly in the workplace. So your colleague may need you to lead the way with a gentle opener like the one you have in mind. Good luck - this is all very exciting!

I'm going to rain on your parade here and say that if he really wanted something more with you, you would know it for certain by now.

Just because he's attracted to you, doesn't mean he wants that. For all you know, he might think your're good, but not that good and not enough giving up the single life for. Some people just enjoy the chemistry and flirting, but it's not deeper than that. If you really were a knock-out for him, I just think it's likely he would have made a move by now and wouldn't want to risk you going to someone else.

You said in your post that it was when you found out about your common interests and background that things heightened for you. That might have worked that way for you, and it makes total sense, but don't make the mistake in thinking that your needs and priorities are symmetrical. I think women massively overestimate how valuable shared interests are commonalities are to men. They might be to some men, but I think they're more more likely to think of them as a pleasant, charming novelty, a nice-to-have rather something that strikes them deeply.

Better to regret having tried without success than not having tried at all.
(from personal experience.)
😉🤞.

To add to my last post, this is why he might like calling you or texting your for a chat. It's not necessarily breadcrumbing (although important to consider), but he like might like talking to you because he knows you're available and it relieves some occasional lonelyness he might have.

Your situation really reminds me of something I was thinking about the other day, which is that when you feel confused by someone's behaviour, that's it's not developing in the logical direction you think it would, it's likely because the reason why / when they're contacting you is not dependent on the quality of your shared time together. Rather, it's dependent on something that's going on with them and their life, and that's why it leaves you feeling confused. Meaning, they pick you up and use you when it's convenient and entertaining for them, but that's not the same as developing a flowing, reciprocal relationship with someone when they care about who you are beyond that convenience.

He definitely likes you, you know when you have chemistry with someone. It's rare and mutual. I'm excited for you!

Find something that u need a hand with, ask him to help. Let him help then ask if u can buy him a drink/coffee/meal/ anything to say thank you.