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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Extremely Attracted to Colleague

180 replies

Lustandconfused · 03/04/2026 22:50

Last year a new man started in my office. We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.
About 6 months ago we were on a work trip and spent time together in the evening. It was the first time we had really discussed anything other than work and we discovered we had lots in common from our degree subject to hobbies. This is where the chemistry started for me.
Since then we've spent more time together and the common ground we share is astounding. I am incredibly attracted to him. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He's funny and kind.
We get along so well and have a really easy friendship but I want to know if it could be something more. I think he likes me too but how can I be sure?
We sometimes have moments of intense eye contact especially when hugging goodbye. Last week I'd just come back from annual leave and he said it was good to see me and gave me a hug.
This is my dilemma - if it's all in my head and I say what I am thinking I don't want to ruin a valued friendship. However, if the feelings are mutual I don't want to miss out on what could be the most intense connection of my life.
For context we are both mid-late 40s and single after breakdown of marriages within last few years. I can honestly say I never had this intense kind of attraction to anyone before, not even ExH.
What would you do?

OP posts:
GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 04/04/2026 09:46

I’m not a believer in “don’t shag your colleagues” as such, because without that I wouldn’t be here and neither would my kids - BUT I think you should proceed with extreme caution because you work together closely. Also I will say most men will go for it and make a move if they want to, unless he subscribes to the “don’t shag your colleagues” thing.

Ask a few probing questions and see if he’s attached first and foremost. Good luck OP!

ymemanresu · 04/04/2026 09:55

imo a man should always chase the woman, give him a few hints that you like him and if he likes you, he will chase

Fafner · 04/04/2026 10:06

ymemanresu · 04/04/2026 09:55

imo a man should always chase the woman, give him a few hints that you like him and if he likes you, he will chase

There’s always one.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 04/04/2026 10:18

Life is short OP.

If you feel this connection you must explore it and see if its mutual or you will kick yourself! Connections like this are rare and you never want to look back one day and think 'what if?'

Don't go in for a kiss unless you are absolutely sure its going to be welcomed and returned. That could be completely embarrassing and difficult to come back from if its rebuffed!

Be brave. You have shared interests so I agree with others. Casually ask him if he wants to go for a coffee or a drink after work and see what develops from that.

Good Luck!

springdaffodils26 · 04/04/2026 10:22

Life is too short, other posters on here are right in saying that. I would let him make the first move as in kiss etc, but I would suggest going for a drink or a coffee or something like that so you can see if he does like you the way you think.

Whoops75 · 04/04/2026 10:25

This is so romantic, definitely ask him to the exhibition or for coffee. Your hesitation could be obvious to him and leaving him unsure, be brave OP. Good luck XX

Canseewhereitsheading9 · 04/04/2026 10:59

ymemanresu · 04/04/2026 09:55

imo a man should always chase the woman, give him a few hints that you like him and if he likes you, he will chase

Imho it doesn’t always have to be the man to make the first move of course but in this case why hasn’t he? I’d just wait tbh. He hugged op when she returned from holiday. I reckon he will be asking her out soon.

Probablyshouldntsay · 04/04/2026 12:22

Mmm I probably wouldn’t ask him out directly but I’d definitely say something along the lines forgoing on a little wander after work to see x y z exhibition, and if he expresses interest, throw in a casual ‘oh come as well if you fancy?’
IME a man that likes you would JUMP at the opportunity. If he doesn’t then you have your answer

Probablyshouldntsay · 04/04/2026 12:23

Ffs ‘along the lines of ‘oh I’m going to..’

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 04/04/2026 12:27

Definitely go down the casual ‘fancy a drink/movie/exhibition’ question that can easily be laughed off if he’s not interested. But totally invested for you OP

canisquaeso · 04/04/2026 15:13

Depending how long you are willing to wait, there’s the classic Christmas party move.

I met my boyfriend at work too.

Jiski · 04/04/2026 15:18

Ask him out for a meal or something you else you both like and see what happens.

I’ve had the same in the past and once he wasn’t attracted but we still stayed friends and did things together. The other time I found out 5 years later that he had felt the same and I was gutted!

Tacohill · 04/04/2026 15:32

We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.

You sound like you both work way too closely with each other to risk this.

olympicsrock · 04/04/2026 15:37

It’s nice to have a crush but don’t risk your job or have to face the embarrassment if he doesn’t feel the same.
There is a saying
“Don’t shit on your own doorstep”

ScorpionLioness79 · 04/04/2026 15:39

Really think about if you can handle seeing him at work every day if you did date and it fell apart. That's the biggest downside of dating a co-worker. But if you are willing to take that risk, instead of outright asking him out, put some feelers out as possible starters to guide him into asking you out. Such as before your days off, ask him, "So, do you have anything fun planned for your days off?"

If he answers with whatever he's doing and asks the same of you, you can say something like, "I've been wanting to try this new restaurant (XYZ), so I might do that."

To me, that plants a seed and might guide him into suggesting doing the things mentioned together.

But if nothing happens, whether he doesn't make the first move, or you do or don't have the nerve, I don't think it's in your best interest to progress in this emotional affair, whether one-sided or not. And that's for many reasons. Firstly, bonding with a crush will prevent you from bonding with a single dating prospect. Secondly, once one or both of you are dating others, an emotional affair at work will negatively affect those new romances. Believe me, a partner will learn to know of that work bonding, and emotional affairs are as damaging as physical affairs.

So this forever friendship you fantasize about isn't in the cards no matter how this plays out. True friendships are totally platonic and crushes aren't healthy in the longterm if the friendship doesn't progress to a romantic partnership.

Lots to consider. Good luck and keep us in the loop.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 04/04/2026 15:41

I agree with others who say just invite him for a coffee or a drink after work. If he says no, no harm done - you are still good colleagues.

Monolithique · 04/04/2026 15:44

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 04/04/2026 15:41

I agree with others who say just invite him for a coffee or a drink after work. If he says no, no harm done - you are still good colleagues.

Agree. Otherwise you will always think 'what if'.

cramptramp · 04/04/2026 15:44

Fafner · 04/04/2026 10:06

There’s always one.

You mean there is always one who has an opinion you disagree with, therefore they shouldn’t express it?

UraniumFlowerpot · 04/04/2026 15:47

Agree a low stakes, slightly ambiguous ask is a good start. Assuming he says yes you should probably try to make your intentions fairly clear on that date-not-a-date otherwise you could end up more confused and stuck being friendly when you actually both want more. But that’s fairly easy via small escalations of body language. Good luck!

AgentPidge · 04/04/2026 15:54

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/04/2026 00:23

Think of an occasion like a concert/ theatre / film as and ask him if he'd like to go with you. It can be construed as just being friendly or asking him out, whichever he takes it. I hope it works out for you.

This is what I'd do. You say you have hobbies in common, so tell him you're going and invite him to come along. Life's too short to miss out, and he sounds lovely! Sometimes blokes just need a bit of encouragement. Maybe he doesn't want to be pushy.

PlusPoncho · 04/04/2026 15:55

If you have similar hobbies and did the same sort of degree, is there an event/exhibition/something like that you could invite him to? If your nervous maybe ask whilst making drinks at work, or sorting paper, something that you can gaze towards so it’s not so obvious if you're nervous. Or, if you do car journeys together, you could ask then as you’re not having to look directly at each other. “I saw X being advertised the other day, it reminded me of our conversation about X/uni/hobby. I’m going Saturday if you want to come” if he says no, then just brush it off. He might say no because he doesn’t want to. He might say no because he’s busy, but you’ve given the green light to socialise just you two so if he feels the same he should hopefully suggest something else at some point. If he says yes, then great! I honestly think decent connections are so hard to find, so I would do something about it if I was you. Xx

albhub · 04/04/2026 16:05

Just ask him if he fancies going for a drink after work and see what happens.

Now that I'm a similar age to you I can't be doing with all this "does he fancy me or not" stuff that drags on for ages and ends up messing with your head. Once you get to the stage of sort of analyzing what he's doing and saying, it's time to just ask the person for a coffee or a drink. If they aren't interested in you they'll make an excuse because they will twig on to the fact you are interested in them.
And if they are interested and arrange to meet you can take it from there.

It doesn't need to be a big deal or embarrassing etc.

Pherian · 04/04/2026 17:40

nothingcangowrongnow · 04/04/2026 00:09

If you are both single, just kiss him - if the chemistry is as you say, it will be easy

Yeah … no. This is how you get in front of HR. Do NOT put your hands or anything else on your colleagues unless it’s very specifically consented to and if it’s sexual do not do it on work time.

Pherian · 04/04/2026 17:41

albhub · 04/04/2026 16:05

Just ask him if he fancies going for a drink after work and see what happens.

Now that I'm a similar age to you I can't be doing with all this "does he fancy me or not" stuff that drags on for ages and ends up messing with your head. Once you get to the stage of sort of analyzing what he's doing and saying, it's time to just ask the person for a coffee or a drink. If they aren't interested in you they'll make an excuse because they will twig on to the fact you are interested in them.
And if they are interested and arrange to meet you can take it from there.

It doesn't need to be a big deal or embarrassing etc.

This is the most sensible advice and doesn’t get you fired.

twinmummystarz · 04/04/2026 18:12

I really wish you all the best with this! A friendship is a wonderful start to a romantic relationship. Definitely test the water and see if he is open to spending time just the two of you. If he’s not interested you will soon know. Whatever you do (a coffee, walk, art whatever) is totally secondary to understanding if he enjoys your company and wants more. Good luck! I got together with my man when he invited himself over for dinner but then I made the first move and asked him if I could kiss him? We’ve been together 5 years and he now has 2 step kids and we have a dog together. Life is for living and if he isn’t interested in romance you can always step back from the friendship to protect yourself. Wishing you well!