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Original poster

Extremely Attracted to Colleague

180 replies

Lustandconfused · 03/04/2026 22:50

Last year a new man started in my office. We do a similar but not identical job so have to interact a lot, be in meetings together and are invited on the same work trips.
About 6 months ago we were on a work trip and spent time together in the evening. It was the first time we had really discussed anything other than work and we discovered we had lots in common from our degree subject to hobbies. This is where the chemistry started for me.
Since then we've spent more time together and the common ground we share is astounding. I am incredibly attracted to him. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He's funny and kind.
We get along so well and have a really easy friendship but I want to know if it could be something more. I think he likes me too but how can I be sure?
We sometimes have moments of intense eye contact especially when hugging goodbye. Last week I'd just come back from annual leave and he said it was good to see me and gave me a hug.
This is my dilemma - if it's all in my head and I say what I am thinking I don't want to ruin a valued friendship. However, if the feelings are mutual I don't want to miss out on what could be the most intense connection of my life.
For context we are both mid-late 40s and single after breakdown of marriages within last few years. I can honestly say I never had this intense kind of attraction to anyone before, not even ExH.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lustandconfused · 07/04/2026 10:50

@LittleRoom that is such a romantic story 😍

OP posts:
laughingalltheay · 07/04/2026 12:26

I’s start asking him question like what do u do at the weekend, what do you enjoy doing and then see if that leads to going somewhere together….definetely go for it…life is too short!

Mamacake · 07/04/2026 21:01

Honestly, I've been here... and it didn't work work out. Months of build up. It was amazing, chemistry, fireworks, excitement, intense eye contact, unreal conversation, tonnes in common... for about a month and then it was nothing but ANXIETY and knowing it wasn't working but really trying as I had already sh!t where I eat and I had fallen quickly. Turns out, people are alot different when dating in comparison to friendship. It broke me, a good 6 months of my life I was broken and in and out of this whirlwind 'relationship' and I still had to see him, every, single, day! When I finally said, enough. Let me tell you, when you've seen someone naked, and have had a real, burning, unbelievable connection and then it doesn't work out and you can't even go to work without a big red arrow screaming at you, it isn't pleasant. This was 2 years ago, and I still have days where it's the most awkward in the world. He used to be my favourite part of the day, and now he's an inconvenience and an awkward moment.

Having said that, I know lots of people it did work out for. You just HAVE to be prepared. Could you work together if it hit the fan, is the friendship worth risking? If yes, go for it. I didn't say it wasn't fun while it lasted, but man do I wish I'd kept it as a fantasy for both of us, because I can tell you for free, he is just as uncomfortable as me... Especially as he wanted to remain friends... I couldn't and it crushed me to a point I have never felt pain like before.

LazyCatLtd · 07/04/2026 21:03

Mamacake · 07/04/2026 21:01

Honestly, I've been here... and it didn't work work out. Months of build up. It was amazing, chemistry, fireworks, excitement, intense eye contact, unreal conversation, tonnes in common... for about a month and then it was nothing but ANXIETY and knowing it wasn't working but really trying as I had already sh!t where I eat and I had fallen quickly. Turns out, people are alot different when dating in comparison to friendship. It broke me, a good 6 months of my life I was broken and in and out of this whirlwind 'relationship' and I still had to see him, every, single, day! When I finally said, enough. Let me tell you, when you've seen someone naked, and have had a real, burning, unbelievable connection and then it doesn't work out and you can't even go to work without a big red arrow screaming at you, it isn't pleasant. This was 2 years ago, and I still have days where it's the most awkward in the world. He used to be my favourite part of the day, and now he's an inconvenience and an awkward moment.

Having said that, I know lots of people it did work out for. You just HAVE to be prepared. Could you work together if it hit the fan, is the friendship worth risking? If yes, go for it. I didn't say it wasn't fun while it lasted, but man do I wish I'd kept it as a fantasy for both of us, because I can tell you for free, he is just as uncomfortable as me... Especially as he wanted to remain friends... I couldn't and it crushed me to a point I have never felt pain like before.

I wonder why it didn’t work out if you don’t mind me asking?

amibeingaknob · 08/04/2026 08:27

Mamacake · 07/04/2026 21:01

Honestly, I've been here... and it didn't work work out. Months of build up. It was amazing, chemistry, fireworks, excitement, intense eye contact, unreal conversation, tonnes in common... for about a month and then it was nothing but ANXIETY and knowing it wasn't working but really trying as I had already sh!t where I eat and I had fallen quickly. Turns out, people are alot different when dating in comparison to friendship. It broke me, a good 6 months of my life I was broken and in and out of this whirlwind 'relationship' and I still had to see him, every, single, day! When I finally said, enough. Let me tell you, when you've seen someone naked, and have had a real, burning, unbelievable connection and then it doesn't work out and you can't even go to work without a big red arrow screaming at you, it isn't pleasant. This was 2 years ago, and I still have days where it's the most awkward in the world. He used to be my favourite part of the day, and now he's an inconvenience and an awkward moment.

Having said that, I know lots of people it did work out for. You just HAVE to be prepared. Could you work together if it hit the fan, is the friendship worth risking? If yes, go for it. I didn't say it wasn't fun while it lasted, but man do I wish I'd kept it as a fantasy for both of us, because I can tell you for free, he is just as uncomfortable as me... Especially as he wanted to remain friends... I couldn't and it crushed me to a point I have never felt pain like before.

Gosh that sounds awful - you really need to tell us more though. Who broke up with who? Why? Did he cheat?

Mamacake · 10/04/2026 20:57

LazyCatLtd · 07/04/2026 21:03

I wonder why it didn’t work out if you don’t mind me asking?

Show quote history

It was a whirlwind of supercharged emotions. A huge build up with fireworks and excitement. However, he turned out to be very different to date than to have a friendship ( I had known him for a good 3 years as a work collegue/ 'friend' before anything started) It was very much a case of a wolf wearing a sheep's mask and he turned out to be extremely narcissistic and enjoyed playing with my emotions. I woke up after a while and said enough is enough. And I told him to his face. Much to his dismay, as I was his toy, ironically he even gave me a nickname of a common doll which now gives me the ick but at the time I was soooo deeply into him I thought it was cute. Couple of weeks later, I blocked him on everything and he still makes new accounts that pop up and add me, so I block them too. He loved a mind game and proves this still now. I didn't think to block him on my actual phone as we communicated through WhatsApp mainly, but he has tried to call a few times even in recent months. I didn't connect the dots until one day I got a weird feeling it was him and matched the number with my call log on whatsapp... luckily I had never answered as I'm a chicken and won't answer I number I don't have saved haha! Number is now blocked on everything.

If I'm also being truly honest, I let my lust carry me through it and didn't really think before I acted. I wish I would have considered what could happen if it didn't work out a bit more, but was swept up in the moment. I also learned that electricity is great, but calm and safe is out of this world.

Like I said though, this could absolutely work. I've seen many an amazing relationship flourish through meeting in the workplace. Mine is just an example of when it doesn't work out. Which I do think should thought about before diving in.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 10/04/2026 21:18

Updating as promised - currently in a wine bar a little tipsy!
I did message to see if he wanted to go to the exhibition this weekend and he replied to say he was pretty tired after travelling back yesterday and was planning a low key weekend at home. We had a few texts back and forth just catching up then I mentioned I was going out tonight for drinks with friends and he told me to make sure I ate (which I thought was sweet) and that he was looking forward to seeing me next week.
@mamacake thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through that. I know any new relationship is a risk especially at work but I do hope he's who he says he is.

OP posts:
Wildgoat · 10/04/2026 21:46

I’d not ask again op, he was nice about it, but that’s a knock back, if he changes his mind he will approach you.

Wildgoat · 10/04/2026 21:50

Also I mean this gently. He thinks you’re drunk and that’s why you’ve asked him out, hence why saying eat something,

just pull back now, from this, I’m sorry it didn’t pan out as you wish , 💐

shivermetimbers77 · 10/04/2026 21:51

Well done for trying OP- nothing ventured and nothing gained and all that, but I agree Roy the previous poster that it’s probably best to step back now and see if he comes to you. Well done for reaching out though!

Pyjamatimenow · 10/04/2026 21:58

Knock back. Distance yourself now

Dery · 10/04/2026 21:59

Good on you for the invitation, OP. I agree with PP that the ball is now in his court but
I think that was a power move on your part - nothing ventured, nothing gained - and I think, whatever happens going forward, you will know you did your bit. And i think that will also make it easier for you to move on beyond him, if that becomes the thing to do.

BaguetteLady · 10/04/2026 22:00

Agree with PPs. The ball is now squarely in his court. In fact, if he had been interested, he could have picked up on your invite and said, "Yes, I do want to see that exhibit - how about next week-end."
You tried, and now it's time to just maintain your pleasant work friendship.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 10/04/2026 22:30

Wildgoat · 10/04/2026 21:50

Also I mean this gently. He thinks you’re drunk and that’s why you’ve asked him out, hence why saying eat something,

just pull back now, from this, I’m sorry it didn’t pan out as you wish , 💐

I messaged him this afternoon. He knew I wasn't drunk he was just saying that if I was drinking I should make sure to eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lustandconfused · 10/04/2026 23:37

I will see him on Monday and just act the same as normal. I won't mention the exhibition again unless he brings it up.
Am obviously disappointed but we still had a lovely chat and texts back and forth so I hope the friendship will endure regardless.

OP posts:
BaguetteLady · 10/04/2026 23:51

Lustandconfused · 10/04/2026 23:37

I will see him on Monday and just act the same as normal. I won't mention the exhibition again unless he brings it up.
Am obviously disappointed but we still had a lovely chat and texts back and forth so I hope the friendship will endure regardless.

Exactly this. You've done very well.
x

Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 07:36

Lustandconfused · 10/04/2026 23:37

I will see him on Monday and just act the same as normal. I won't mention the exhibition again unless he brings it up.
Am obviously disappointed but we still had a lovely chat and texts back and forth so I hope the friendship will endure regardless.

I’m sure he’s flattered, and of course the friendship will continue, as long as neither of you make if awkward, so just act normal, he knows you asked him out on a date, you know he said no, he was lovely about it. But a tiny part of him will not be sure if maybe he’s misunderstood, so just act totally normal and you will just move past it back to normal.

and good on you for trying, at least you’re no longer sitting wondering now.

Pipsquiggle · 11/04/2026 08:02

Well done @Lustandconfused for asking.

I do agree with others that the ball is in his court, however, if you are getting positive signals over the first few days, you could suggest a drink / coffee and he can tell you all about his holiday.....

I would only suggest this if you are getting good vibes as some good men are just so rubbish at making the first move

Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 09:06

Pipsquiggle · 11/04/2026 08:02

Well done @Lustandconfused for asking.

I do agree with others that the ball is in his court, however, if you are getting positive signals over the first few days, you could suggest a drink / coffee and he can tell you all about his holiday.....

I would only suggest this if you are getting good vibes as some good men are just so rubbish at making the first move

Please don’t do this, ask him out a second time. It is so so desperate.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 11/04/2026 10:04

Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 09:06

Please don’t do this, ask him out a second time. It is so so desperate.

Show quote history

I don't think I'd have the bottle anyway!!

OP posts:
Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 11:00

Lustandconfused · 11/04/2026 10:04

I don't think I'd have the bottle anyway!!

Show quote history

Not many would to be fair, if the genders were reversed and a bloke asked a second time, everyone would say report to hr.

but yeah, at the end of the day he’s a colleague, not someone you can repeatedly ask to go out with you. If he’s interested he will ask you.but accept the no with dignity and put it out your head now.

Original poster
Lustandconfused · 11/04/2026 14:58

Exactly - I don't want to be that person!
When I texted about the exhibition I just said that I had been looking online and there weren't many tickets left so I was thinking of going this weekend and he'd be welcome to join me if he was at a loose end.
I'm hoping that means it didn't come across as too "date-y" so I can just carry on as normal at work.

OP posts:
Wildgoat · 11/04/2026 15:04

Lustandconfused · 11/04/2026 14:58

Exactly - I don't want to be that person!
When I texted about the exhibition I just said that I had been looking online and there weren't many tickets left so I was thinking of going this weekend and he'd be welcome to join me if he was at a loose end.
I'm hoping that means it didn't come across as too "date-y" so I can just carry on as normal at work.

I think he knows, I’m sorry, but you can both pass it off as just friends and move on. If he texted you for the same reason every part of you would be thinking is it a date.

he was very sweet about it and tried to make you feel ok about it. But if he wanted a date he’d have either jumped at it, or said can we go x time instead, or how about doing y. He didnt he closed it down immediately.

just style it out. Id go, say it was fab, and then say something like you’d have had fun with my mates we all loved it. Yes lying but enough to put some real doubt in his head. Unless you made it clear it was just the two of you.

BaguetteLady · 11/04/2026 15:14

I wouldn't bring up the exhibit, OP, unless he asks about it. If he does, and you went, say it was fab and leave it at that. If he asks and you didn't go, say thanks for asking but a few things came up at the last minute and you couldn't get there. But I would put this in the rear view mirror pretty quickly.

ScorpionLioness79 · 11/04/2026 16:03

Yeah, sounds like he's not interested in moving past a work friendship. Though you value that friendship, I'd lessen communication both inside and outside of work to try to get rid of your crush. That will prevent an ongoing, one-sided emotional affair which would impact any new relationship you enter into, and you don't want to make it hard for you to bond with a new prospect. And if you are dating a guy and your phone is regularly pinging from a male colleague, and your date asks if you are attracted to the guy, it's putting you in a difficult position to have to lie. Best to nip all this in the bud, now.

I was once crushing on a colleague years ago after my first marriage ended. He did flirt and would seek me out for chats. But I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't ask me out and I made the first move. We did go on the day outing, but it didn't go anywhere. I later found out he was secretly dating another woman who worked in the building and they were keeping it hidden to avoid gossip.

Sometimes when you're getting a great vibe from the co-worker, it's because they can't help feeling great to have a fan. It's a great ego boost, but they are just not that into you to want to date you. Or, they are dating someone but don't mention it so that the bubble isn't burst to lose your attention. Or, they don't like the risk of dating a co-worker if everything blows up.

A good way to meet singles is Meetup.com groups, if they have any good ones in your area. Take care.