Partner said I’ve let my self go

[Mommy2onexxx]

Today my partner picked me up from work we have been together for 5 ish years , he’s been so cold towards me recently and kept commenting on my looks , I kinda shrugged the comments off like an idiot , anyways today when I got in the car I asked him why he is being so horrible I explained he is making me feel small and unworthy , he said this is because I’ve let my self go and I don’t glam up the way I used to do my hair and makeup everyday ect , I explained I simply do not have the time the way I used to when I was 18 19 , I work , I’m a mom I run a home and I’m working towards my level 4 qualification, he said I should make time , I know he does truly find me ugly now I can just tell I see him searching other women he is so sharp and snappy with me and he is out all the time . I think what I’m looking for here is someone to tell me that it’s okay to loose your way abit I just feel so heartbroken

You sound very shallow. Respect goes far beyond looks. I would never tolerate a relationship like yours.

Are you actually being serious @Ireallycantthinkofagoodone?!?

I cannot believe you are.

do you really think the op should stay in such a miserable one sided relationship with such a horrible man who is making her life so horrible? Do you really think it’s a good idea for a child to witness this misogyny as if it’s ti be accepted by women?

Time to let the partner go

Of course it does! And I am not just talking about ‘looks’.
But if you would be happy with a partner who didn’t bother looking after themself, then fine.
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that.

I didn’t say she should, did I.

It would be so easy OP to tell you to get a new haircut, suggest clothes that look glam but are practical etc but I think that would be avoiding the real issue here, which is that he doesn't value you unless you are looking a certain way.

Fair enough if he maybe said I can see you are not managing to take care of yourself in the same way, how can I help, and was continuing to treat you kindly, but the reality is your decline in looks has made him feel unkindly towards you.

That is a very different thing from just noticing.

Sometimes on these threads - particularly weight related threads - posters do say things like "how can I help being turned off him if he is fat? It isn't my fault" etc.

And I suppose in a way it isn't IF they are wired like that BUT to me it is a certain sort of person (aka superficial and not actually a good, trustworthy life partner) who is so easily turned off by someone they were supposed to have formed a deeper affinity with by entering into a serious relationship and having children etc with them. So yes, maybe some people genuinely ARE unable to find themselves not liking someone because of the way they look and feel being rejecting and unkind is ok. But what you have to ask yourself is is that really the kind of person you want to be with? To me the personality downward slide from how they used to act is worse than the physical downward slide from how someone used to look.

Nasty abusive arsehole.
Can you do it alone?
Because he is dragging you down.

Ah yes, here is an example of the type of comment I was referring to in my last post.

I always remember someone saying they had lost around 14 stones, they had got rid of their waste of space husband. Seriously it sounds like he needs to help out more or you might want him to go elsewhere.

OP I know you weren't asking for advice about this (and you don't need to answer) but I sincerely hope that you are not helping to subsidise his life by paying all the bills. As you refer to him as your partner I presume you are not married; that means that you may not be entitled to anything much if you split. You haven't responded as yet to questions about who owns your home....of course you don't have to, but I think you should focus on your & your DD's future now and not put any trust in this man to do the right thing.

At the moment you are really in the trenches with your small child, studies and (possibly) work, of course your appearance isn't a high priority right now. The lack of respect he has for everything you are doing to support his life & child.....he is really just disgusting. I hope you do let him go.

I think this post makes sensible points.

There are some things that can be called basic grooming, and I can see that perhaps could be construed as respect for one's partner (and self).

But these are things like brushing teeth, showering regularly, using shampoo.

Noone is under an obligation to stay as sexy and nubile as they were when first in the relationship. That's confusing and conflating respect with sexual titillation, and it is natural and right that other preoccupations become more important as a couple takes on responsibilities like children.

Hypothetically, if you were to dump this shallow sack of minge and share care of your young child with him (say he has the child 50/50 or eveN EOW) think about how time to yourself you’d have, regularly and basically timetabled in. Sounds a much better way to live than shacked up with someone who makes you feel like crap and appears to be trying to make it all your fault if he’s had his head turned.

Best get rid, he will (already has by the sound of it) damage your confidence.

There is someone out there that will find you attractive for your real true self. Make up is a fake look.

I'm not currently in a relationship, but I have diverted from doing a full face of makeup each time I leave the house to preferring a natural no makeup face unless for special occasions over the years. It's not even that there is no time, but I just prefer natural beauty now. My last ex our 1t few dates i put on a full face, but there after I would only do it if we went on a date like a meal or drinks. He told me and found me beautiful without all of that. Your partner should be doing the same for you.

You don't need a layer of fakeness to find him attractive do you? Why should this be expected of women

Please don’t continue to live this miserable life - you are young enough to start again.
This poor excuse of a man won’t change and things will only get worse. Make a better life for you and your daughter.

Has he been online and seen all those available single women waiting for him? He isn't going to get better. Time for him to be let go.

If he can't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.

I wonder if he is jealous of you? You sound amazing, improving yourself, being a good mum. You keep on shining!

Frankly, it sounds like she already is so all she will lose is this vile piece of shit that is, I agree, dragging her down.

Get rid.
He clearly doesn’t respect you. What will he do as you get older? Your hair goes grey? Bit of middle age spread?
You deserve better.

Unless he's as buff and gorgeous as a young Brad Pitt and is always well dressed and presented himself then you can tell him he's let himself go. You should all so tell him to go fuck off somewhere far, far away and get on with being a responsible adult and mum. You don't need a demanding whining manchild in your life.

And you’re staying with this tosspot why?
id rather be on my own than with this cretin

How has he changed in 5 years?

The irony is that I BET you would love to have some time to bath, do your hair, care for your skin. Go shopping for clothes and do all that self care. But you're so busy working, cleaning, child caring, studying, that you have no time at all for yourself. Whereas he has lots. If he shared the load, you WOULD have time.

But he won't.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’d like to share my experience with weight changes just for some perspective. I have fluctuated in weight so much in my life it’s ridiculous. My has fluctuated between 10st and 19st over the course of my 15 year relationship. When I met my husband I was maybe 12 stone and a combination of extreme mental health issues, having a baby and other things over the years led to gaining loads of weight. My husband has not once commented on me letting myself go, has not once made a cruel comment about my weight or shown any less interest or kindness to me when I’m bigger. I’m not anywhere near my heaviest at the moment but am still plus size.

Your other half’s comments and the way he is treating you is unacceptable, this is not how you treat the one you love. I’ve seen your comment saying you do everything, so it sounds like he quite literally brings nothing to the table but hurt. You do so much, no wonder you don’t have time for yourself. You deserve better. I hope you’re okay.

OP what’s this little boy bringing to the table? Sounds like you do the bulk of everything.

If he can’t see or appreciate the effort then bin him off. I put on weight during my marriage/post child. Never in a million would I accept or expect my DH to comment negatively. Life happens. A proper adult recognises ups and down impacts this. Supporting ‘improvements’ and criticising appearance are very difference things. I have lost a significant amount of weight and my DH doesn’t make me feel any more/less loved as I’m not my weight.

If he doesn’t realize ‘life’ causes fluctuation in weight or appearance manafement, you’re tolerating that, just shows the level of immaturity from him. Don’t lower yourself to think that’s normal. He’s acting like a teenager. Don’t let him make you feel less than you’re worth, after all you’re the one carrying you both - childcare is worth money too, even if it doesn’t bring / pay cheque.