How do you know when it is time to leave?

[OneTwinklyBird]

So when you have a list of small/big things they do that drive you mad. You feel like you're coexisting rather than in a relationship. You have nothing really to talk about except for life admin.

but they still make your favourite food on rare occasions as a surprise. The thought of hurting them makes you feel physically sick. The idea of not being with them
is just unthinkable and unbelievable.

bur you're living life hating it, thinking this can't be it... why do you do? How do you actually leave or decide it's the right thing? How do you hurt them and you like that? How do you know if it's actually what you want?

When you start a thread asking mumsnet

lol I have another thread in AIBU and every other response is ltb but I know AIBU can be like this so thought I would come here instead.

It really doesn't feel like an option but there don't feel like many options in truth

Sounds utterly shit. Baffled you’re even in two minds tbh

No children 🤞?

Oh. You have 5 kids with him.

Too many, all under 10.

This

I don't know,

when we are together with the kids so much of it is nice and good and fine.

but there are so many niggles now as well.

this sounds stupid but is an example
of something he does that drives me insane but is probably me being ott. We have 2 chairs at the table we use that are in an l shape. I have a leg injury so use the other chair to rest my leg on when I am sitting. When he comes in he stands behind the chair waiting. He sometimes starts doing whatever it is he wants still standing and leaning. I have said why don't you ask me to move. He says I shouldn't have to you know I want to sit there you should just move. It's nothing but it drives me up the wall lol. I think I'm being unreasonable here, but there's not even acknowledgement when I do move just sits down and continues. Makes me feel a bit like a piece of furniture

Oh and to add to that if he gets frustrated cos I haven't noticed him so haven't moved he will start tapping my leg. Or on occasion sitting on the chair and sort of scooting my leg off... which I think is not ideal given my injury.

I know it sounds like nothing it is nothing but it's indicative of many things now I guess.

but not everything and he is seemingly oblivious to how I feel.

Anyone have any thoughts?

I know everyone is busy but I am dwelling and outside perspective helps.

no one in real life I can talk to unfortunately

I guess what I am asking is in the example I've given is my reaction because I've had enough of him and so everything is annoying or should he just ask. It happens multiple times a week so a niggle that slowly builds if that makes sense. If no one has thoughts then I will stop asking

Hi op. You can fill me in on t'other thread if you like, I don't linger on AIBU as it makes me stressed 🫠

I'm newly divorced with young DC. There was DV in my case, and it's been a horrific battle in family court which is not a done deal so my situation is not exactly the same but I am happy to chat highs and lows on single mam life if that is helpful to you

The tldr for me is that despite all the difficulties in the last few weeks, months, I am better without him, sadly, and that brings me no joy to acknowledge but it does being me peace in small ways iyswim

Thank you for replying.

Were you definite after the dv that it was done or did you find it a difficult decision?

everyone seems so definitive about I would be done but it's not real life in my view

Glad you got out btw and that you're doing well. I hope court and stuff goes as smoothly as it can

I could have asked the same question myself. There’s nothing. But he’s not a bad person. And he’d be so upset

Are you still with him?

As long as there isn't abuse I would say it's about whether both people are willing to keep working on it and trying to improve things. Is he willing to work through things with you? Does he acknowledge how you feel and consider your feelings in his actions? Does he respect your needs? That's how I would guage things. For me, it's all too easy for people to say ltb and not that easy when kids are involved.

Id been trying to get out for a while, the DV was part of it, he was also a total dick to me aside from the occasional violence, and it was me who tried and tried to fix it. There's an American (I think!?) phrase "leave it all on the field" meaning put everything in/bring your A game, and I did for nearly 15 years, I held nothing back trying to do and be whatever he wanted to no avail. It makes me feel a bit sick in hindsight and I've just had to accept that at least I know I couldn't have tried any harder.

It's takes two people to make a marriage work ultimately.

I have no support network it's just me, so single parent life is a lot, but it's actually not more work, its less - he was messier and needier than my DC

I have days when I miss the kind of "package " of being a "proper" unit, but it was go or wait another 2 decades for him to open his eyes and actually see me, and it would never ever happen

....sorry long post, no idea if that makes sense op sorry!

He would say he does and he would believe he does.

but he isn't very good at hearing or understanding me. He hears what he thinks I'm saying or what he thinks I need if that makes sense

It completely does and I completely relate.

i have absolutely no one other than him so it would be completely going it alone.

what was your trigger to leave if you don't mind me asking

@OneTwinklyBirdYes, still here. I don’t know what to do or how to do it

This completely.

i don't know what i want. I just know if I leave it hurts him and the kids soooo much and I don't know if it is worth it. And I don't think anyone can answer

bur I imagine the future and still being here and i feel numb and exhausted and so so saddened.

do you think you will leave?

It took me multiple attempts. There was physical abuse which I'd become acclimatised to, it ramped up and I tried to leave, then stayed, then tried again,

This was after trying and trying to get him to hear me, see me- not in a look at me way, but just in a hey I exist way, I was just lower than furniture to him, I'd tried asking him to work on the relationship, even just to go on dates and stuff, it's a bit desperate from my end, but I was desperate!!

He actually hated me, which makes me really sad to say, because it's taken me a lot of making peace with myself to actually just put one foot in front of another and keep going.

Is there any way of salavging your relationship?

It's no small thing to leave the family home, to up root the children etc. our lives (mine and DC) look so different to the life I thought we'd (exH and me) build together.

I'm not encouraging you to stay but also if he's the type to drag you through the misery of court for custody of kids (in my case) he's previously given zero shits about, brace yourself for that.

This is a three part thing for me:

1. leaving and rebuilding

2. navigating single motherhood - money (lack of), work, stigma( still exists!!)

3. custody nightmares - it has been a whole next level nightmare

I lost everything in leaving, every material thing, and there is no guarantee yet that I will be able to keep the one thing I left for- my DC. The system is a shit show it really is and no one talks about it and you only know that once you're in knee deep

I actually posted on MN to answer your question - 2 years before I actually left, and I was advised to read Lundy Bancroft Why Does he Do That and Should I Stay or Should I go (that might be the same author I can't remember). And that opened my eyes and I stopped future faking myself that the guy I married would somehow materialise again, because in all likelyhood he never really existed, iyswim

....omg longgg answer sorry op

The soul searching is real though, I feel you 💔

Surely as you have children, marriage counselling would be a good first step in figuring this out?