How do you know when it is time to leave?

[OneTwinklyBird]

So when you have a list of small/big things they do that drive you mad. You feel like you're coexisting rather than in a relationship. You have nothing really to talk about except for life admin.

but they still make your favourite food on rare occasions as a surprise. The thought of hurting them makes you feel physically sick. The idea of not being with them
is just unthinkable and unbelievable.

bur you're living life hating it, thinking this can't be it... why do you do? How do you actually leave or decide it's the right thing? How do you hurt them and you like that? How do you know if it's actually what you want?

That sounds very frustrating.
Unfortunately only you can decide. Sometimes it can get to a place where there is only one possible way to go because you just can't continue.
Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling?
Are you able to decentre him and try to find your happiness outside of the relationship with friends and hobbies etc? Create some distance and give yourself some space and time to make a decision.
I left my B, he was emotionally abusive and didnt meet any of my fundamental needs. I dont regret it but I'm now a lone parent raising very young kids and no time to myself. I dont think i will ever have another relationship and I do struggle with loneliness sometimes. Hopefully that wouldnt be your situation if you split.
Have you thought about what life would be like if you split (pros and cons) such as living situation, finances, custody arrangements etc - its hard to act without knowing what it would mean for you. I don't think anyone should have to stay forever in a relationship that is making them miserable but any decision should be eyes wide open.

When you don't want them touching you is the final phase I think. There's no going back.

Sometimes I think I will, I look on Rightmove and imagine my new life.

But, I don’t want to cause him pain. He’s not a bad person

Not disagreeing here, just saying I was desperate for him to touch me (in a normal caring way, not only with violence or force). Pathetic I know, I try not to ruminate on that too much.

I have never heard of the word decentering til now (from a culture where the DH is THE point of a woman's life) but yes to that. That makes so much sense.

If you aren't sure re staying/leaving the marriage op, spend some time with yourself, figuring out even in little ways who you are- especially if you have young DC and a big family as I think is that case, its so easy to lose yourself in the process of caring for and about everyone else

Sometimes one small thing will be a catalyst to a partner or spouse kicking the other into touch. It might not take much but you’ll know when you’re done.

Visualise how life might be without this prat in your life, do some research into what you can expect from single life, have a goal and work towards it.

Frankly if I had an injured leg and my other half behaved like yours I’d waste no time in inviting him to “eff off.”
(Next day until I could move out, I might buy myself a cheap stool to rest my leg on!)

We kind of had this or planned to about a year ago. But he doesn't see the need and he won't talk if that makes sense so it becomes a bit futile

Hugs

i feel this on every level, no matter if im
hurting I don't want to hurt him or our babies

Do you not think I'm being ridiculous about the chair thing?

im not sure, my leg is quite bad (there is a pic in another thread) but he never even asks how it is... I don't think he has once

I think the situation with my leg has shown me how little he values or thinks about me as an individual person rather than his wife and the mother of his children.

when it first happened I asked him to be in charge of the antibiotics because I was sleeping so much and he kept forgetting and not waking me up.

then it got badly infected when he was away visiting family and I had all the kids(not the time I posted about in the other thread). I asked him to come home so I could go to go appointment I had booked and he got up late, left late, stopped for smoke multiple times and it was too late when he got home. The following day I fainted and he spoke to 111 and they said they'd call back, I watched and dealt with kids in absolute agony while he played in computer. They called back and said I needed to go straight to hospital due to sepsis risk he said he couldn't take me because of children so we had to wait for ambulance. My hr was 145 and my temp 41.

ambulance took me in and I had 2 surgeries. He never visited because too tough on kids. Didn't really message. Hard to get on phone.

when I got home he resented me resting and not helping as he had been solo parenting

it made me feel absolutely worthless and horrible and like an object

that may be why I feel like I do about putting my foot up and him asking

sorry that's epically long

youll all say ltb he's terrible but he's not he just doesn't think and doesn't see and like someone else said makes me feel like I don't really exist

Thank you for posting I really appreciate it.

i can only imagine how tough it has been but hopefully courts recognise and you get custody

he would not fight me here, he can't look after them all by himself 🤦🏼‍♀️

He doesn’t demonstrate what he says. So, I love you, you’re the best wife, we’d be lost without you etc… (I am the best. I took him out for birthday dinner, a gig. Lovely gifts, Even a shag!)

Then literally the next day, Jeckyll & Hyde. Shouting, swearing, stropping, slamming doors. Accusations. Gaslighting. Terrorising. Frightening DS. Eggshells… It’s misery.

I’m a happy, good person. He’s ruining my life. The heavy energy at home is unbearable. And I’ve done nothing to deserve it. Crucially, neither has DS. I know he’s next…

So, I can’t allow that to happen. If anything DH is forcing me to finally take action, as he’s getting worse. Three nights in a row this week… Inflicting his foul moods on us.

I’m slowly going to start moving things to my parents place. No sudden moves, leaving could be dangerous. He won’t leave (always says he will, wish he’d just piss off!)

I am sorry you are living through this.

i hope the moving goes well and you get out safely

Thanks, OneTwinklyBird. I’d love to be happily married, but sadly I’m not. My little family isn’t what I think it is… I’ve done my best.

This makes me feel very sad for you. I think anyone deserves to be treated better than this. I would be reconsidering the relationship too if that had happened to me.

It does help.

feeling heard helps, hearing others experiences helps, feeling not alone helps x

I also felt it was helpful for me to read all the links in blue at the top of the relationships board, I spent a long time trying to stay, and trying to figure out what was the right thing, and with no one irl to talk to I was just really stuck

Yeh I think I feel sad for me too.

And I'm still in so much pain and he simply doesn't care.

i think he partly blames me for the initial injury which is part of the issue but it is also how he is.

I jus want to feel like the person who is meant to love me cares about me and that I matter to them.

This is my leg currently to give some context of how much discomfort I am in. It is gross so don't look if you're squeamish

I'm sorry if that pic is absolutely too much, just think it gives a better indication of if I'm exaggerating or not

That blame thing is eerily familiar, op, anecdote incoming but I was to blame for everything

The last sentence really reasonates, it's such a basic thing to want to be seen and valued by your partner

I'm in so much pain and he simply doesn't care

This. This is all the reason you need. I'm so sorry

You say he'd be hurt if you left. You're hurt every day, in physical pain, and he barely notices you let alone give a shit about your pain.

Your purpose in this world is not to sacrifice yourself on the altar of a man's self-image.

What are your children learning about relationships, the value of a woman, mutual respect, when they witness the daily chair ritual? I'd go as far as to say this ritual's actually designed to show you who matters and what isn't important. Perhaps you'd like your DC to grow up believing women do matter, and that women whose needs are disregarded have the right to assert independence.

I can't see a pic yet.

Question: if you had been dismissive of his leg/any ailment etc. what would be the result? What would he do/have done- anything?

Not a trick question.

This is actually really interesting. He minimises his own illness as well.

a few months ago he collapsed at home and it was terrifying. I called an ambulance but when he came to he insisted it was not needed and cancelled it. Would not see gp or act on it. He did spend the day resting and I looked after his every need, but he does ignore illness so maybe that's just how he is when people are hnwell

...he did spend the day resting and I looked after his every need,

thats a massive disparity in care giving, and one that was not a million miles off in my situation op. I brought him meals, bed baths etc, kept up with his meds, I tried my best (he says not enough) when he was sick (long term condition) but if I had a baby? Forget it, straight back on my feet, back to piles of housework that I could barely physically reach but I had to.

I'm worried about your leg though. Have you had a review? There's no pic yet