How do you know when it is time to leave?

[OneTwinklyBird]

So when you have a list of small/big things they do that drive you mad. You feel like you're coexisting rather than in a relationship. You have nothing really to talk about except for life admin.

but they still make your favourite food on rare occasions as a surprise. The thought of hurting them makes you feel physically sick. The idea of not being with them
is just unthinkable and unbelievable.

bur you're living life hating it, thinking this can't be it... why do you do? How do you actually leave or decide it's the right thing? How do you hurt them and you like that? How do you know if it's actually what you want?

It is relatively reassuring in a strange way no one else thinks it's an issue, so he is right about this I guess.

maybe I do need to give him more slack and try harder to accept and deal with the things that I'm less happy with

It's good that you're keeping it elevated.

You can try giving him a wider berth in terms of your own mental health, I disengaged from my ex (not saying you have to leave) but on the third time I'd asked for things to change and the promised changes never materialized I then realised I was a single parent but married, and it brought me a peace and then things washed over me and it gave me the strength to get from one day to the next.

Would rec maybe speaking to your GP for counselling for you, just bc the waiting lists are long, that's not nurse hat, that's shitty-DH- situation hat on.

If you decentre him to quote a pp, and remember who you were, might will bring you peace for the meantime whatever the future brings

Id forgotten everything about myself, I forgot the music I liked, the colours I liked, the food I liked, I'd been doing things his way, his playlist, his meal choice (I cooked and washed up!!), his everything

thank you again for taking the time to comment, I do really appreciate it

I had some mental health support earlier in the year, it was difficult because it sometimes feels like you're betraying them if that makes sense. And I'm someone who always feels other people have bigger problems. Have you been having mental health support?

I do agree, I have no idea who I am outside of him and the kids. I'm also really scared that I won't like myself and no one else will either - I know I sound pathetic

I feel awful going to try and sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

You are not alone in that. Only those with a bad DH fully understand… You have been conditioned to think that you are at fault. Soon, your kids will feel this way too. You are at a low point with your leg & he’s happy to kick you while you’re down. Wanker! Love is not enough… One day you might be able to think clearly, not today not tomorrow, as it’s so confusing & horrible. This is the reality for lots of women in toxic marriages.

If you find it hard to be honest with a partner in every stage, this is a problem a really big problem. There is no growth without risk.

🤦

I’ll be honest. If that was my leg id be revolving my whole life around it until it healed. It looks awful and you are definitely not making too big a deal out of it. I’d be terrified that it would get infected and kill me. My DH would feel the same too.

Rest as much as possible and stop all unnecessary house work until it’s better. You cannot leave until it’s healed so it looks like you have a while before you can even start to think about it.

But I don’t know how you don’t hate him for the way he treats you while you’re injured.

Feeling absolutely awful. Been up all night throwing up, head is pounding, throat feels like sawdust.

Told him I wasn't feeling well and response was that he is feeling shit as well, sore throat etc. (no vomitting though) so I am up dealing with kids while he rests.

Sorry you're feeling so unwell.

He sounds absolutely awful, OP.
You should be in bed, not him.

I would plan to end things. You're a single parent already, it seems.

How someone treats you when you're sick is huge and matters.

It's just the way he talks to me sometimes. I went it ask him if he wants to do Easter egg hunt and he couldn't hear so I repeated myself twice but I'm a fucking idiot for saying it at the same volume when he's told me he can't hear me ...

So just had the explosion. I make him feel like I hate him and don't appreciate him or treat him properly.

i asked for examples and he couldn't give me any at all. Apparently he doesn't remember everything like I do so he should start writing it down. I suggested talking g to me when he feels like that instead or yesterday when I knew there was a problem and he wouldn't say but that's me making him look like the unreasonable one apparently

and I know the true issue is I am completely off sec because of my leg and that's what he's actually getting at

Im worried about you op. Can you call 111, it sounds like a deterioration?

The vomiting is not good. You really need a clinician to review you, ideally get some obs and a culture. Tuesday is still two days away.

That's a pretty typical flip btw, DARVO. He's made you to blame, and yeahhh my ex would shout at me for sex...I was acutely ill post op 🙄 I was told it was my duty.

This ^.

I'd also be worried that your symptoms last night are not separate from what's going on with your leg.

Get yourself in to Minor Injuries or A&E.

Yes, It's an indicator of sepsis potentially, and with that wound and the potential depth of it, and the spreading erythema, I'm getting worried.

Caveat not official clinical advice etc etc. as I say I tend towards being over-cautious, but I've always rathered too safe than not safe enough in these things.

@OneTwinklyBird please stay safe op x

https://sepsistrust.org/about-sepsis/spotting-the-signs-of-sepsis/

There is an online tool here that you can input your details into and it can help as a guide as to what to do next. Not trying to cause alarm, just worried.

If someone I loved was dealing with that injury I would be waiting on them, checking they were ok, pushing them to seek medical help when it looked like it does now etc.

The fact that he is instead focusing on some perceived lack of respect from you is absolutely horrific. This man has no empathy, doesn’t care about you and is a shit dad if he can’t look after his own children to allow you time to get the help you need. Please don’t accept this pathetic excuse for a relationship for one moment longer.

Agree re sepsis too. You need to be seen asap.

I basically realised that I had stopped caring about them and at that point it was a case of getting everything sorted (both in my head and practically) so I could pretty much walk out the door. It was sad but I was mourning 'what could have been' rather then what we actually had.

I'll try and call 111 when he emerges from bed

Why wait?

I hope you have phoned by now, but this tiptoeing around him and letting him lie in while you might actually be in real trouble medically is crazy.

You should have just phoned or gone in and left him to look after the dc.

If you're too scared of him to get medical help when you need it, then it's absolutely a relationship you should end.

he called and apparently they said it was fine to wait for gp appointment on Tuesday

I've slept most of afternoon, still not keeping food down, shivery and temp but it must be flu as he says he feels the same.

Clear signs of sepsis op. You can call again and ask for another review. No clinician would be likely to ask you to sleep it off, I personally would call 999, describe your symptoms, they could send you out a van on a 4 hour if they felt it was needed, the paramedics could do a baseline set of obs and eyeball you

No one flame me for inappropriate use of NHS resources pls ty. Just worth being cautious