How do you know when it is time to leave?

[OneTwinklyBird]

So when you have a list of small/big things they do that drive you mad. You feel like you're coexisting rather than in a relationship. You have nothing really to talk about except for life admin.

but they still make your favourite food on rare occasions as a surprise. The thought of hurting them makes you feel physically sick. The idea of not being with them
is just unthinkable and unbelievable.

bur you're living life hating it, thinking this can't be it... why do you do? How do you actually leave or decide it's the right thing? How do you hurt them and you like that? How do you know if it's actually what you want?

I think a lot of your post is about how unhappy you are and that the things he does are little niggles.

I am in a similar situation.

I have spent (a long time, years) building things I like in my life. I have built friendships, take many short U.K. breaks alone and with friends, bought things I was previously “scared” to buy (by scared, I don’t mean physically scared, I just didn’t buy them because I’d have to explain why and answer a million reasons why it was the wrong idea, meaning the joy of the thing was sucked out of it anyway). I have basically spent a couple of years working out what I enjoy and makes me happy, and adding those things into my life.

This has meant leaving my (many) kids with him while I go and do things. A shock to him and the kids at the time, but necessary for my life, and a good start to divorced life if that’s where this ends up.

I am a lot happier now. My marriage is still dead, but I can now see that the little niggles are small and not the reason to leave. I also know that I am not sitting here blaming him for me being miserable, because I’m not miserable anymore!

If there’s any love or affection left for you, I’d recommend taking time to work on your own things so that you have a life and autonomy and joy. You may then find you see him in a different light, or you may find you’re happier but still don’t want to be married to him. Either way is better than acting from misery.

My decision is definite now.
It’s taken 3 years to get here…
I married in good faith, but no.

My husband is abusive.
I would do the same as UpsideDownside, if it he was able to control himself.

I went back and read your other threads. What comes across to me is firstly he is fundamentally selfish. Utterly. Secondly he really doesn’t care about you and is clearly upset that his wife-robot is malfunctioning due to her leg injury and creating work for him. Lastly, he isn’t interested in discussion or counselling so has no intention of changing.
So, there you are. He does not care about you, considers you a servant and it will not change. These are the unchangeable facts so whatever decisions you take, you should take on the basis of those facts. I don’t know your full circumstances and what is right / possible for you but you need to give it a lot of thought and have a plan - short, medium, long, whatever you need.
What I would not take into consideration: His thoughts or feelings in any way, including the impact on him of you leaving. He clearly cares nothing for your happiness, extend him the same courtesy.
What I would consider: My children. Including the lessons they are learning from watching your marriage and how your DH treats you, particularly if they are girls. Also, practicalities and finances: How will leaving (or staying on your terms) look, what do you need to do it, how are you going to get those things in place? Job, 2nd car, support network, childcare.
I would start from the initial point that you do not have to do anything just because he wants it. He does nothing just because you want it (or indeed need it like healthcare). Return the courtesy. Focus on yourself and your children’s needs including your own need for happiness.

It's not just one though is it? There are so many.

Maybe the fact that he is so oblivious is part of the issue.

I am in absolute agony today, the kids have asked if I'm ok but not my husband

I understand this but not longer know what if anything will bring me happiness.

There seems to be no real options in truth

I mean the leg thing. It is one thing an by the responses on here I'm making a big deal of it.

he won't look at it an when I said I thought maybe I needed to go get it checked he said he didn't see it being necessary again. But maybe it's just not bad and I'm a hypochondriac on top of everything else. He tells me I'm attention seeking

The thing that caused my leg injury was my fault, the stressful issue that started him smoking again was my fault. Does this not make me the problem rather than him?

maybe I need to try and be a better wife for all of us

My first marriage, I felt neglected, not seen etc
We actually split because he was unfaithful but loads of neglect, me retreating to my own life to protect myself. He said I was negletful that's why he cheated.
We were in a nightmare of not listening to each other.
Me leaving was the worst thing I could have done
I had loads of people telling me, you go girl, you are better off alone.
Turns out renting a ridiculous high price place in your kids catchment area was not the right thing to do
Turns out my kids wanting to be back in their family home and not with me in said high price rental was not the right thing to do.. They hated it, they hated having to go between us every week.
They hated being suddenly forced to live between two houses.
They wanted stability.
Because I left, i was seen as the unstable one.
Dad got to sit at the family home and made me out to be awful.
I would never advise a Mum to up and leave.
Stay in your home and ask him to leave.

I tried being a better wife for a really really long time 💔

The whole thing is such a fucking trap isn't it. I won't derail (too much!) but yeah.

Yeah the trap where you think you will be better off.. It only works if you both have agreed to split, and then if you completely trust your other half to be nice.
To put the kids first..
Mine twisted every situation, he was the worst.
Put your kids first, what do they need. I wish I would have done this before or left.

I knew as early as when we got married it wasn't going to be forever, I'd tried to end things a few months before but he threatened to kill himself & I was too spineless to call his bluff. We rubbed along & I got pregnant with ds 9 months after we got married, when I was 7 months he was diagnosed with MS & all I felt was that I was trapped in a marriage I didn't want to be in, had I not been pregnant I would have ended things then.We kind of co-existed for 6 years until he was in hospital for 6 weeks, it was heaven having the house for me & ds, when he came home it was hell on earth, he was so moody expecting to be waited on hand & foot, gaslighting me all the time about different things & started to be abusive, I had found my independence & he didn't like it. A week before I left him he raped me, I should have rung the police but I was in shock, the night ds & I left I had a complete meltdown & the argument ended in him trying to set fire to the house with ds & I in it, ds had learned to dial 999 at school & they sent the police round to do a welfare check who helped me & ds pack the car & leave.

Today is a great example he is in a foul mood, huffing, stomping, snappy with everyone. I have asked multiple times what's wrong to be told nothing I'm fine. But I know him and I know something is up so I have said please just talk to me and tell me and nothing as he sighs heavily and grumps around.

then later he will explode about whatever it is. It's just exhausting

Why are you martyring yourself OP? Woe is me, everything is my fault etc etc? You're worth more than that!

Tell him to fuck off out and come back when he's over himself and his bad mood and get on with your day.

Stop asking him what's wrong and pandering to the daft twat.

Do people really do that? Send him out cos he's in a piss? Surely it just makes it more difficult later?

whatever is wrong is going to be something I have or haven't done so would prefer to just get it sorted and out of the way

Do people really do that? Send him out cos he's in a piss? Surely it just makes it more difficult later?
Absolutely they do. Cause if someone is pissy and gets fuss and attention and attempts to right the perceived wrong, it teaches that person that these actions get the result they desire and to do it more. And makes it more difficult later
whatever is wrong is going to be something I have or haven't done so would prefer to just get it sorted and out of the way
No, what is wrong is his attitude irrespective of any action you have / have not taken. I’d ignore him and get on with my day, when he finally explodes and lets you know your crime, tell him to piss off and whatever you did /didn’t do has been negated by his dreadful attitude and way of approaching it and has put HIM in the wrong. You are happy to discuss your ‘crime’ once he has apologised for his. And do NOT accept any blame where none is deserved. Ask yourself what your reaction would be to the ‘offence’ if he had done it to you. Use that as your guide.
You don’t get an easy life by appeasing bullies to get it out the way. You get more and worse of the same. The only solution is to stand up to them.

If I sent him out to get over his bad mood when he came back he would be in a worse mood and it would be my fault for sending him out.
me commenting on his mood would be nagging or me being unreasonable.

i genuinely cannot fathom the situation going differently... surely i am not alone in that?

and this was my leg when I changed the dressing today, he still thinks im overreacting but I'm genuinely not sure anymore

Ohhh op this is where I have to put my nurses hat on. Even tho it might be outing idgaf

You need a full debridement, that is really wet, you need a community nursing appointment asap, all that sloughy exudate needs gone asap. You've got a local infection and it could turn, you need the depth of wound measurement doing. The infected area looks like it's tracking, and you've got potentially some localised cellulitis going on in the mix. Can you draw a border around the outside of the red area with a felt tip and put the date on and take a photo. Call 111 today please

NB this doesn't constitute medical advice yadda yadda etc etc. but I can't sit here and say nowt.

It needs packing and dressing and you need a set of dressings to keep it clean. You're doing the right thing keeping it elevated but you need medical attention.

Additional disclaimer I'm multitasking under a napping toddler, more disclaimers about not being medical advice etc etc

My ex, in a mard, would have said (if being told by me to get some fresh air) would've gone: "THIS IS MY OWN HOUSE! WHY SHOULD I" and a 7 out of 10 bad mood would become 9/10 and go on all weekend and he'd punish me later

Will I be able to get/book an appointment over by weekend? Have you wait until Tuesday to call gp I think

Do you have a minor injuries near you? I just want the gunky slough off.

There might be a GP or MIU open today. I know it's a PITA with young DC and a knobby DP but this wound needs to be clean and dry 💐

I dare say you'd be ok til Tues but I am not a massive fan of waiting that long.

Caveat to say I tend to lean towards hyper vigilant and over cautious, there might be another RGN who comes along and says not to worry.

Id give NHS 111 a ring, they have a facility where they can ask you to send them a pic.

<Usual small print that this isn't official advice I'm just a tired mummy on the internet>

Thanks for the opinion. I'm not feeling great and am absolutely exhausted and drained so tempted to just get kids sorted for the night and then just go to bed.

its about 5 months post initial surgery now and then had 5 more surgeries since, most recent maybe a month ago they removed a bit of the muscle but it just won't close.