How do you know when it is time to leave?

[OneTwinklyBird]

So when you have a list of small/big things they do that drive you mad. You feel like you're coexisting rather than in a relationship. You have nothing really to talk about except for life admin.

but they still make your favourite food on rare occasions as a surprise. The thought of hurting them makes you feel physically sick. The idea of not being with them
is just unthinkable and unbelievable.

bur you're living life hating it, thinking this can't be it... why do you do? How do you actually leave or decide it's the right thing? How do you hurt them and you like that? How do you know if it's actually what you want?

“i don't know what i want. I just know if I leave it hurts him and the kids soooo much and I don't know if it is worth it. And I don't think anyone can answer”

OP, if you don’t know what you want, then don’t do anything until you do know. I sympathise over your leg, but it sounds as though your DH is someone who quite simply can’t cope with illness - not yours, not his own. It’s not a case of your being in pain and his not caring, it’s more, I think, that perhaps he can’t cope with the whole idea - maybe it’s to do with death and mortality. If this is how he is, you need to decide whether you can put up with it or not. If you don’t want to hurt him, clearly you still have some feelings for him, so all is not lost. The thing is, there’s no such thing as the perfect person - you’re not perfect and nor is he: the trick in marriage is being able to put up with or ignore the other person’s irritating habits. We all have them! If he’s not otherwise unkind, then concentrate on his positives. What sort of father is he? That should be a consideration. The fact that your DC would be devastated if you tore the family apart means that they must like him. It all seems to come down to your leg injury, and his behaviour as a result of it. Will your leg get better? Or will you both have to learn to live with it? I think you will have to come to terms with the fact that, for whatever reason, he finds illness, doctors and hospitals difficult, and therefore ignores them as far as he is able. Does he know that he is making you feel you are not valued as a person? Maybe tell him - in all probability he has absolutely no idea. I can’t tell you what you should do, but (and I have been divorced) I do think DC are better off with two parents. I’d look at the good things he does, and try and build on them. Divorce is a very big step, and is always unpleasant, even when you have agreed to go your separate ways, so don’t be in too much of a hurry to jump.

I did work it's a very complicated back story but am not currently. Yes I drive but we only have the 1 car

Picture has been cleared now

I can see how my injury is my current focus but things weren't right before this. It's my focus at the minute because it's on my mind but I have examples proper to this,

yes he's a good dad. There are issues and he won't listen to my opinion but that's being married and parenting

my biggest issue with him as a father is when he overreacts or tells kids off by shouting will never apologise or talk to them about it once everyone is calmed down, it's just done. This bugs me a lot

We moved very recently to a rural location

I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean or how it helps

i could def get a job when needed, my skillset is very desirable and there are loads of jobs in my field.

I am not sure why those posts were deleted - do she think I was a troll lol

i wish this wasn't real for me

So while I am thinking about it, some of the biggest things he's done over the years that I find bad:

smoking - see my other post
gaming - was on cod every single night, swearing and shouting while I tidied and did jobs
bought a new games console without telling me and lied to me about it when I asked, despite having a completely suitable and working one model before version
when I was in hospital with pre eclampsia got his mum to stay and went to play poker rather than visiting me despite me begging and saying I just wanted him to pop in before his game

these are what I would say are big things I can think or right now

I really cannot understand why you describe your husband as "a good person" OP. Agood person absolutely would not have done any of this.

He's an absolute arsehole.

But this is one situation, one circumstance

there are obviously others where he behaves differently

He has a very different view on the situation.
He came home early for me, him stopping was necessary, he cannot drive when tired, he couldn't take me to hospital and deal with children in car and at a and e, he couldn't visit and look after kids while I was in hospital. It all sounds reasonable, no?

He still thinks I am overreacting about my leg, but I genuinely think it looks awful and hurts a lot

Stopping for a fag was "necessary"??? 'When your habit starts to interfere with normal.life and affects other people then it is problematic and you should seek help' .. that's what the advice is re substance abuse.

I can't believe he thinks it's justifiable to put his fag habit before your medical emergency. Or that you are entertaining that idea, for one second.

He could perfectly well "think" and "see" if he cared. He manages to think and see when, for example, he needs a new pack of fags or if he has to do something at work. Because he cares about those things.

Well he will say he stopped to use the bathroom but I know it was for a cigarette.

its a 5 hour drive, stopping once or twice isn't unreasonable

but am I just making excuses?

He only remembers he needs more cigarettes after he has smoked the last one and then goes to get another... so actually genuinely useless at any forward thinking

Your paragraph about him shouting at the kids, overreacting then pretending it didn’t happen. Like, we mustn’t mention it again…

It’s absolute head-fuckery for me. Imagine DS trying to compute any of this? He says “Mum I wasn’t aggro” “Mum I wasn’t angry”

He’s afraid of being blamed. He sees me apologising to his dad, trying to keep the peace, when I’ve said or done the “wrong thing”

DS is now having terrible meltdowns, and screaming episodes. Especially with his dad. Which makes DH react back trying to discipline…

Your kids are absorbing all of this. For me, it’s not about us, the marriage, anymore. It’s about getting DS away from this homelife.

OneTwinklyBird, I think your leg (you poor thing!) might be the catalyst for action from you. I know how hard it is, it’s taken me years…

DS is 5 now, and the psychological damage will ruin his life if I don’t take action now. The nuclear option is the only one, sadly.

DH was at it again last night & said “do you even want to make this work?” as if I’m the one causing the problems. The blame is so painful…

He went out & got Easter eggs for DS friends, who he shouted at & threw out of the house yesterday. He just isn’t normal, really.

I’ve done my best. Nothing I can do will fix his mentality. It’s who he is. No amount of “making up” will ever change that. Same for you, I think.

Reading your other posts… My DH can’t do two things at the same time either. Yet, expects me to juggle work, house, kid, bills, family etc…

Was exactly where you are this time 2 years ago. Lots of niggles, not feeling seen or appreciated, existing as housemates. It took my friends husband being diagnosed with terminal cancer and seeing g how she cared for and stood by him for me to realised that if I were in that situation I absolutely would not be able to give that much. Sounds harsh writing it down but I realised I was living day to day not looking at what the future might hold was crucial.

This is interesting. I am a caring person and like to feel needed so would probably stand by him in that instance

I think you are much more definite about your situation than I am.

do you consider your h to be abusive?

This is a specific question but I'm trying to rationalise do ppl think my leg is fine and I'm overly dramatic or that it's a genuine medical issue he should be concerned about