(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

She's been replying daily - it's just not showing as OP as she has slightly changed name.

She has said today she is
stepping away from the thread as it has got a bit much, particularly the challenging comments re her children being abused.

I hope she feels she can come back if (when) there is another serious situation for her

People started to really pile on. She’s bullied in real life then being hounded on here about how she is enabling the abuse of her children. Doubt she’ll be back tbh.

PinkPoetAgain I’m sorry that people are piling on. This is an awful lot and people who have been abused often have complex emotions. Regarding your original asssult - that man was a stranger and what he did was terrible, so it’s straightforward (and completely right) to see him as an awful person.
Regarding your husband - the feelings are much more complicated. You feel he’s been kind, loving and your saviour from the previous SA, but added to that he’s also abusive in between bouts of niceness and it’s really hard for you to liken him to the other violent man, because in your head they’re not the same.
Abusive men aren’t usually horrible all the time and, in between the bouts of abuse, you feel huge relief and love when he’s ‘nice’. That’s understandable and it’s very hard to turn those feelings off and it must feel extremely confusing.

Obviously I don’t know your husband, but he’s either fully aware of what he’s doing, or in his head, he’s a good man who doesn’t see why he shouldn’t have sex with his wife whenever he wants.

The outcome is the same - you are being abused by this man but are struggling to seperate all your emotions.
Your DC will likely have a similar view - Daddy can be fun and lovely, but also scary and shouting and they don’t know which version they going to get and that will have an effect on them.

You can’t turn your feelings off like a tap - if you could then leaving would be easy. But hopefully therapy can help you to seperate your feelings and why and when you feel a certain way, so you can decide what you want and need for your and DCs’ future.

I don’t feel she will be back ( well anytime soon). She must have felt very under fire on here and it’s a shame as most messages were supportive but the ones at midday really spiralled quickly.

We forget she is a young woman living this life with four children that are quite young.

She was honest on here and trying not to do the one thing she’s guilty of in real life and that is people please. Therapy encourages us to speak our truth but we can only do that in a supportive safe place.

What’s happened on this thread today is a perfect example of why consulting with professionals who have training around domestic abuse should be the way forward for navigating the way out of these situations.

Even though statistics show it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship, some people seem to think that it should be straightforward for OP. I would go as far as to say there’s been a lot of victim blaming. Let’s be clear - her husband is the abuser, OP has been a victim all her adult life and still is a victim.

PinkPoet, I’m sorry that you’ve been made to feel like you need to take a step back. I echo what some other posters have said in that you’ve come so far since you started the other thread. I don’t think your journey stops here, and if you do want to jump back in here at some point there are people who want to support you.

Take care of yourself x

Yes, Poet, if you happen to read this:
Therapist, GP, Rape Crisis when your turn comes up, Women’s Aid, all these are places which will help you (and by extension your children) in private. Try to be open and tell the truth so they can help you explore your feelings. They won’t force you to do anything you don’t want.

WTF happened?! Poet was getting lots of support and advice, she was slowly coming to a realisation about her husband’s abuse. Well done to those of you who thought you’d berate her instead. I hope you’re proud.

I hope you come back when you need to Poet. x

I think it's important to talk about the wellbeing of the children. OP herself says that she didn't know his behaviour towards them was abusive and now she does.

'I will say that I do accept that they may be wary of his tempers and outbursts so yes, if that is described as abuse then I accept they are. I did not know it was abuse before I came on here, I thought it was normal.'

This in itself is a massive realisation and OP would not have been aware of this if posters hadn't brought it up. It's also not ok to minimise it. Again, no one is saying she has to do anything immediately, just be aware how serious it is and start to take those steps which will, hopefully, lead to her children being protected.

Yes, it's a lot to take in but running away from it isn't going to make it go away. What is known cannot be unknown. OP will address it when she is in a place to be able to do that.

I think people were just pushing for this big moment for their own narrative satisfaction - they wanted this resolution quickly, the message that says I’ve left and an update about how happy she is in 6 months time. That was never going to happen. It will take years for her to leave him (if ever) and then she’ll go back several times, men like this are very good at what they do. I think this thread needs be to treated as what it is - an outlet for a confused woman who is just now starting to wake up to her reality. It isn’t good entertainment because it won’t be satisfying possibly ever, but if people have genuine insight to add then I’m sure it’ll prove very valuable to the OP.

When people realised that OP was making the choice to accept the abuse over the alternative, that’s when they started going hard on the children, because she wasn’t doing what they wanted.

As things stand, this is not the time it place for what you are saying.
She has hardly had a chance to think. Of course she isn’t necessarily going to just leave, brave steps though she has taken.

Children are not protected from a father just because their mother leaves him anyway.

@ScrollingLeaves I wrote upthread earlier about a whole spoken piece at the end of Corrie today. Even though it was about abuse of a man by his husband, the other stories in the police station were about women.
And a young female officer asked - why do these women stay I wouldn’t?
And a more experienced officer gives a brilliant reply, but it ended with the mother eventually being concerned about how she would protect her own children if she left, in terms of them being on their own with their father?
It really hit home and I did apologise for being perhaps a bit blunt earlier today.
It made me think even if a mother is going through a horrific time, and the children are also suffering, maybe subconsciously she thinks at least if she is the primary parent who is around when the dad is, she is like a safety buffer?
And perhaps she feels at least on some level she can keep everything contained?
I know in the context if the show it was more about physical violence, but it looked at other types of abuse, too.
Again if I was blunt earlier I can only offer an apology and I do hope Poet returns.

Of course she isn’t necessarily going to just leave, brave steps though she has taken.

But no one is expecting her to just leave. No one on this thread is saying that. Everyone understands that it takes time.

It's a big move to make: Leave abuser, what happens when he has time on his own with DCs? Hopefully when the time comes it will be supervised contact.

OP please don’t feel scared to come back. You have made a lot of progress already. We all want to support you. Even those with harsher words want the best for you x

Please, Poet, don't stop reaching out for support. You have come such a long way already, you should be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. We are all here and we ARE listening 💐🫂

Can you just leave off berating the OP?

She's being continually raped and abused, she's doing her best to protect her children and cope with her stress filled life, she's coming to terms with a heck of a lot, and you just keep on blaming her and piling on into her.

Let her take a breath and think about stuff, FFS.

Have a bit of compassion, can't you.

But you are!

What a desperate shame that this thread went so wrong today. @PinkPoetAgainwhen you are ready, there are a lot of women on here who understand your situation with empathy and compassion. Those who picked holes about the children have no idea at all. I hope they are thoroughly ashamed of themselves for driving you away. Please continue with the therapy. And maybe try a new thread if or when you are feeling up to it. Despite some idiots, there are a lot of people here on your side.

@ProudWomanXX I most definitely have not said that I expect her to just leave.

There are stages that OP needs to go through and the first is recognising abusive behaviour. OP is still struggling to see his behaviour as abusive, both to the children and to herself but is starting to accept that behaviour for what it is.

She is nowhere near ready to leave yet.

You are being faux helpful, but you are saying really unpleasant stuff.

Can you just back off, for a bit?

Leave Pink Poet alone to have a moment to just think.

I agree what is happening to OP is unpleasant and talking about it is going to be extremely difficult for her. I also agree that OP needs time to absorb everything.

It's a very complex situation for her because really it's all she knows and we are here telling her that her whole relationship is not what she thought it was. That's a lot to take in.

I would disagree that Poet doesn't "know" her husband is abusive. I think she does know but will do anything to stop the rapes happening, not because it's distressing, but because then she will feel like she has to act. Therefore, she nods her head, gives in, whatever it takes to protect him from technically being a rapist that day. And therefore feeling safe to stay in the relationship longer. I also don't think she loves him / has strong feelings... to be honest who really does, after years of marriage and 4 young kids?? You're generally a mum and dad at that point, not romantic figures from a novel that hold each other into the night. I suspect that she just can't face the practicalities of splitting up, so it's easier to stay. The logistics of breaking up and if he will have contact with the kids and when, how the parenting will be done, finances etc... I just think that's the main reason why OP is intent on staying. She likely knows what a piece of shit he is but it's far easier to stay until the last kid is 18. Just my take on it.

Dear Goddess the victim blaming is appalling.

@WallaceinAnderland
@Fluperson

Just stop it. Please just stop it