(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

OP it’s okay.
People are not all good or all bad. We are all complex.
You are not a bad mum, but you do need to protect them and understand that 90% good dad energy does not negate the explosions and the fear your children may have when those incidents occur.
im leaving my long term relationship as my ex does this. Things are fine, and then explosion. Driving fast, shouting, visceral temper.
his anger is his responsibility not mine but I am choosing to remove the most common trigger (our relationship).
I have a daughter whose opinion of her dad has been forever changed by some of the things he has said and done over the years. Yet he’d appeared to be Disney dad most of the time. Some things are just not forgotten. Her opinion of him is now in the bin and I’m not sure he even realises this x

They deserve better than me

No, you are missing the point with your self pitying. They need you.

You are the only person who can help them. Just out of interest, why won't you?

I think it’s very easy to call that op “selfish” and make accusations of her not loving her dc. I don’t think these comments are fair though I do agree the children are and will suffer. She’s in a very tangled web of abuse and is going through the cycle where he is being “nice”. It gets worse finding out her husband was her boss - a further power imbalance. I think we have to trust that the more she progresses with therapy that she will be able to see things as clearly as an outsider.

From my personal experience my older child has said she remembers how badly her dad treated me and how I would protect them if he shouted at them. She also says she doesn’t understand why he was so abusive to me and said she could feel the atmosphere when he came home and the whole mood of the house would changed. I’m very said my child lived through this up to the age of 14. It was hard for me to leave because of fear. I stopped idolising my ExH when the abuser started. Sadly until Pp stops defending him there will be no turning point.

Her husband is the problem and the cure at the moment.

@PinkPoetAgain sorry if I’m taliking like you are not here ( I know you are and hope you are ok). If you can take anything from this thread it’s to continue with therapy and get stronger, heal and accept the truths that lie within your situation.

PinkPoetAgain: Your DCs desperately need you. You are the only one who can keep them safe. We can all see that you really truly love them and they know that as well.

You are doing your very best in terrible circumstances and we are all rooting for you here on MN. Nobody is deliberately putting you down. We are a variety of people with lots of different views trying to help and give you the courage you need.

No one is expecting OP to do anything immediately but she won't even say, yes I know the children are being abused and I need to get them out of this environment.

She says yes, I know the children are being abused and I have no intention of doing anything about that. How is she not culpable in this situation? It's possible to be both the abuser and the abused.

Can we all please stop berating the OP. Yes she should leave, we all know that OP included. But these things often take considerable time in DC situations. Don't let your frustration drive the OP away, because are an outlet for her here, which she needs. The OP is a people pleaser and the pressure she feels here is from trying to keep posters happy.

She absolutely loves her kids. But sometimes a relationship can be so screwed up that someone can't accept the impact their other parent is having on their children. The lovely OP has been in an abusive marriage for her entire adult life, and if it's taken her this long to realise that what her husband did is rape (and still find ways of excusing him), she's a long way off realising the impact it's having on the kids.

Yes I'm worried about the impact on the kids, but my main worry is for Poet right now, because that's where the most significant abuse lies, and she is at more imminent threat. Berating her about the kids and making comments on her parenting issue conducive.

Poet, you have your smoking gun though - I said about a week ago about taking sex off the table for a month, as it would be a test whether he was serious about changing. You didn't ask for that (because yo didn't think he could manage it), but asked for a week or two, because you were sore. You reminded him of this at bed, and took painkillers which made you sleepy because you feeling unwell. You reminded him a third time. You woke up to him sexually assaulting you and then raped you.

That's as bad as what he did when you were pregnant. You had told him no 3 times. You'd told him you were sore. He knew you'd had a migraine. He knew you were medicated which would make it harder to resist. How much more of a smoking gun do you want?

I have just watched tonight’s Corrie. I know it’s fictional and about a man abusing his husband.
Spoiler alert.
There is a piece at the end where female officers are addressing the why doesn’t she leave issue?
And it is brilliantly put:
Where will she go?
What will she do for money?
But this one stood out most - what will happen to her children when she leaves? How will he behave towards them?
And it made me realise that women must dread what he is really capable of when the mum is not around.
I am not describing PP here but made me think and if I’ve been blunt I do apologise.

Ok, I am not going to defend myself because I feel like that is not productive but I will say that I do accept that they may be wary of his tempers and outbursts so yes, if that is described as abuse then I accept they are. I did not know it was abuse before I came on here, I thought it was normal. But now I know so I will accept that.

I am to totally dependent on him. Not just practically but he has been my emotional support person for years and years. that is not easy to walk about from when you are a broken shell of a person. I’m sorry if that makes me selfish , maybe I am.

I’ve decided I will sign off for now but thank you for all the supportive messages and advice xx

Good fathers don’t rape their child’s mother, let alone repeatedly.

Good fathers don’t refuse to allow their child’s mother access to a joint bank account, or financially abuse her to the extent she is wary to make unexpected purchases for fear of being questioned.

He is so far from a good father it’s shocking.

Yes this.
To be clear, they deserve YOU, all of you and not him. You are not and never will be the one to blame for any of this, it’s him. That’s one thing that will never change.

However you seem more determined than ever to put up & shut up and that’s not good.
Does the therapist know exactly what has been going on? Every graphic detail?
You need to start being totally transparent with the therapist and your friend and put those children first.

He made sure from the start that OP didn’t have the means to leave him. He orchestrated a dependency on every level. That is now clearer from the past few days

Not just practically but he has been my emotional support person for years and years

He's been your abuser for years and years.

Of course it's not easy to walk away, not one single person on your threads has suggested that.

But we can't ignore the abuse of the children, no matter how hard it is. It would be wrong to say that they will be fine. They won't.

100% - he deliberately targeted a much younger extremely vulnerable young woman, turned on the knight in shining armour act to groom her all the while convincing her she was damaged good, kept her pregnant and dependant on him while he ramped up his abuse knowing she’s trapped in a gilded cage of his making.

He has known from day one exactly what he’s doing and he’s not going to let his carefully constructed plan fall apart now that the prisoner has started waking up.

Your children do not deserve a rapist for their father
You do not deserve a rapist for a husband

Your beloved husband is an abusive rapist

and you need to practice using the word rape
you don't even type it here, you type r*pe or something similar

rape is not a forbidden word on Mumsnet

it can also be written in capital letters RAPE
or in italics rape or bold or underscored rape

you could practice whispering the word out aloud to your self
and practice saying it in a mirror

as one day you need to actually use the word to your friend and your therapist.

Absolutely. He is the most manipulative controlling sustained abuser I’ve ever read about on MN.

OP please go to Woman’s Aid. You are in too frail an emotional state to do this on your own. I do not think you are a bad mother. I was in a relationship that should have ended sooner than it did. We had a comfortable life. It’s very scary to throw a grenade into your life. I am not saying it will be easy, but with proper support from Woman’s Aid, family etc, you will get through this. You are still very young, you’ve two thirds of your life ahead of you. Use it wisely. You can build a life for you and your children which will be peaceful and full of love.

Not just practically but he has been my emotional support person for years and years

He’s been your controller for years and years.

The power balance has never been equal.

Right from the start he frightened and abused you (in his drunken rages before he stopped drinking) to the point you would flee to a friends before he convinced you back (cycle of abuse).

He is not a good man who has recently done a bad thing.

He has always been a predatory abuser. His abuse has noticeably ramped up at times you’ve been more vulnerable. Firstly in late pregnancy when he raped you while you cried. And then recently when you’ve started to question the way things are he has again raped you. Pinned you down with his body weight while you were asleep, on your front, after you said explicitly three times that day you did not want sex, and raped you. This was to teach you a lesson. That questioning him and setting boundaries will not work. He will do what he wants.

And between the incidents I think you know are ‘black and white’ rape, he’s continually sexually harassed, assaulted and coerced you. And on a monthly basis verbally and emotionally abused the children.

This man is not your emotional support just because he’s the only person you confide in. He’s your tormented and abuser, because when you confide in him he either ignores it (you say you want sex to be off the table due to trauma, he continues to coerce, assault and rape you) or weaponises it (making you believe the violent rape you suffered before you met him has damaged you in a way that means you’re over reacting to his abuse).

He is the most manipulative, calculated man I’ve read about on here. And I’ve been here for more than a decade.

You are not safe. Your children are not safe and are being trained to be ‘good’ abuse victims.

OP is being abused by her husband. He minimises and denies it.

OP's children are being abused by her husband. She minimises and denies it.

It's really common for people who are abused to abuse others (or allow abuse) because of their conditioning.

It also follows that OP's children may go on to become abusers themselves, especially any boys, as that is the life being modelled to them daily at such a young and impressionable age. The girls are likely to allow themselves and their children to be abused and the cycle continues.

OP may choose to never leave her abuser so those children will have to suffer at least another 10-15 years in this environment until they are able to escape. The damage that can be caused by one man is huge.

You may mean well, but this is an abusive thing to say under the circumstances where the OP has been trying to come to terms with so much, and has also veing taking steps to get to the roots of all that is wrong.

The steps Poet needs to take - therapy, GP. Womens Aid, Rape Crisis are essential first steps when she can manage them.

The quote I was answering seems to have gone, but please stop piling on

We are not helping the OP or her kids if she is scared away from her own support thread.

I don't think everyone piling on to Pink Poet is going to help her situation.
As helpful as this forum might be to her at times it does seem like we are repeating ourselves a lot. It's not going in. She can't possibly read all these messages and not feel completely panicked about her life.

Remember, she is not abusing the children, HE is. She first has to admit to herself that he is actually abusing her. I dont think she thinks that he is abusing her?

Pinkpoet, if you are still reading, keep going to therapy and contact Womens Aid.

Godspeed

It was similar for me as well, OP. One thing I've realised is that, even without the CSA I went through, my childhood was abusive because of my F’s behaviour, to both my siblings and me, and to my DM.

Hi OP, I'm guessing you're still reading these messages, even if you're not replying. I think the post you made about your first assault was incredibly insightful, and I really think you need to work on that assault and subsequent trauma response in therapy in order to feel safe enough to leave this current abusive relationship. It absolutely makes sense that if your entire nervous system experiences the world as unsafe and your husband as your protector, you will not be able to leave. Because your brain and body thinks your survival depends on it. Your brain is still stuck at the point of your initial assault and hasn't updated. It doesn't know that you are now an adult, a mother, and that you have choices and options. You are still viewing the world from the position of a frightened teenager. This "stuck in time" response is part of a trauma response and very common, but it absolutely can be worked on in therapy to file away that memory so the brain learns it happened in the past. That particular danger is now over and you don't need protecting from it any more. Ideally with EMDR therapy, or with IFS (internal family systems). Going back to the initial wound is an important part of your recovery. Good luck.