(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

He meant, he wouldn't let anyone except him hurt you or rape you again because he now considers you his property.

I expect you feel like you can't live without him, because he has told you that repeatedly. That's not romantic by the way, that's a threat.

And why we are all so worried he will continue to escalate if he gets a sense that you are seeking independence.

I think Olive’s idea of warning your mum is a good one. He may approach them to do the childminding for the weekend away.

I know I sound like a broken record but please please see a GP. I’m extremely concerned that he will question you after every therapy session to the point where you won’t want to go. Your GP will get you to Woman’s Aid. He doesn’t need to know about that at all. It will be so helpful.

It’s all connected to that first assault . Even just after writing it down on here I feel so so emotionally fragile and close to panic attack. If a 20yo boy can do that for no apparent reason other than he wanted to then what actual hope is there. This may be bad but at least I’m not out in the world with other violent men who I don’t know. At least he’ll protect me from that.

I should probably speak to the therapist about this - sorry

I’m starting to think the OP wouldn’t leave if any of these things happened.

A while ago she said she would leave if he was abusing the kids in any way, and then it all came out about his monthly outbursts, shouting, slamming on the breaks, driving really fast and then being extra nice to them (like he does after abuse of OP) and now the OP is not even replying to any posts that mention the children, let alone protecting them from this abuse.

You really don't have to spend the next 50+ years of your life being raped every few days because of something which was done to you as a teenager. Your life is worth so much more than that.

Your thinking around this and his wording that he would never let such a thing happen to you again is telling.
You don't need a man to protect you from the world, Poet.
You've never lived as a young woman independently, outside of a relationship. It sounds like you never developed any real confidence about who you are, what you like, what you don't like, what sort of life you want...?

I would rather go through this 100s of times with my husband that have to relive the morning after the first assault again. Not knowing what happened but knowing something bad did because of the bruising was truly traumatic.

You are reliving this though, all the time, because it's very similar to what your husband is doing to you.

You know the times you have woken to him raping you, but you don't know how many times it happened when you haven't woken. He's even targeted doing it when he knows you've taken medicine that makes you sleep heavily. When you do wake, he gives you no choice in reality if whether it continues. The other day you were aching afterwards.

The only difference is that the first rape was a stranger. The second and every one since then have been by the person who said he'd protect you, and says he loves you, whilst breaking that trust in the most awful of ways.

You have a skewed view of it because some awful person did that to you and then you fell into the abusive situation you are in now.

I can see your relationship has never been on the equal footing it should have been. He met you when you were 18 (barely an adult, I can remember myself at that age!) and traumatised. He targeted you. Some men do, they seek a very young woman because they can mould them to what they want them to be. That’s exactly what he did. A woman his age would have been more likely to spot red flags and push back. He’s not let you have the control you should have as an adult over your life and finances; I don’t blame you for feeling daunted about being without him because he’s made you dependent for many things to control you totally.

he was very exciting, kind and looking after me, buying me and my friends drinks and making sure I didn’t have any trouble from other guys.

I can easily imagine how you felt and that at the time he would have seemed like a ‘knight’ from a fairy tale and you were a vulnerable, valued and cherished princess. But now that I am very much older I have noticed that the one who comes forward to ‘rescue’ may well be a rapist, or general abuser. Such a man will rape then own the princess.

That quote above from your post shows him carrying out classic grooming.

You’ve never lived an adult life OP. You’ve gone straight from being a student to being married to a much older man and bring a mum of 4 in the blink of an eye. He’s groomed you into being completely fomo aged and controlled by him because you don’t know any different.

You've never had an independent life as a young woman finding her way in the world and discovering who you are. You’ve been steered down the path HE has chosen for you so fast that you were caught up in a whirlwind. No wonder you don’t know which way is up anymore.

The grooming is so obvious from the outside - this man was predatory and knew what he was doing when he targeted you.

I’m extremely concerned that he will question you after every therapy session to the point where you won’t want to go.

OP could you say something like 'My therapist has advised me not to discuss my therapy with anyone for now because it could compromise it's effectiveness. I just need to focus on myself rather than sharing with others at this stage.'

I'm so sorry, as a fellow survivor I feel your pain.

I think trying to deal with this in therapy is such a good idea, because it seems like your feelings towards your current abuser are driving your decisions. When, really, your children should be.

I want to address this because I’m aware that you think I’m not protecting them by staying and what you probably think of me as a mum. I’m trying my best. I’m a loving mum and I love them so much, but it’s not easy to just up and leave when there is so much tied up in it emotionally.

I also want to clarify that he is losing his rag with them , roughly once a month, and the driving thing has happened once or twice. He is very poor at dealing with stress and overstimulation of noise etc , I do not dispute that this is abusive as so many of you have told me so . However, since being on here I have seen posts from strung out mums feeling guilty about snapping and yelling at/ being rude to their children and usually this is met with supportive comments like it’s ok we all lose our shit sometimes?

I just can’t accept that he’s a terrible dad and that’s the end of it. I’m sorry if that makes you angry but I’m really trying to be honest and the idea that he’s this horrible angry dad who they fear is just not accurate .

He may be a terrible Dh who thinks with his dick and doesn’t care about how that affects me, that I can agree with.

I’m sorry too. Do you ever move past it? Or learn to live with it? Did anything help you?

You clearly fear him, why would you think small children don't?

Yes mums on here may shout and then feel awful. But there is a huge difference between a mum occasionally shouting and a man doing it, as well as throwing things and driving dangerously - that is outside of the home.
Then a child feels unsafe both in the home and outside the home.
And while they don’t know the father is raping their mum, there will be an atmosphere. That’s not the same as a stressed out mother shouting now and again. It’s not the same.
Many survivors on here have talked of the damage done to them as children even though they didn’t know the technical details, they knew something and it hurt them and made them feel unsafe.
Rape is not a man thinking with his dick. And the student from your younger years could not use that excuse.
For a married man who had seen a young woman vulnerable, married her, known if that terrible event, heard her crying while he has raped her during pregnancy, and is still raping her now, you cannot hide that from children even though they are asleep.
I am really sorry it’s not what you want to hear, but a worn out mum raising her voice is not the same as a volatile, controlling father who is abusing their mum.

OP I’m sure this won’t be exactly helpful to hear but I was the child in that situation. Regular outbursts from my dad and my mum enabled his abuse by constantly making excuses for him and trying to smooth things over. She too would have said she was a loving mum, and in many ways, she was - always there to talk to me about my problems, support my hopes and dreams, tell me how much she loved me and of course provide for my basic needs. But none of that makes up for the fact she didn’t do the one thing that would’ve made such a difference to me as a child and and adult: leaving my dad. growing up in that dynamic really fucked up my approach to relationships and I needed several years of therapy before I was able to have a healthy one (and I can tell you that your description of your relationship is textbook unhealthy and toxic, and I’d say that even if he WASN’T raping you). As an adult I’ve told my mother that she fundamentally failed me as a parent. I never visit my parents, I don’t enjoy spending time with them, I don’t like or respect them or care about them. I only keep in touch at all so I can use them to look after my dog sometimes. Is that the kind of relationship you want with your kids as adults?

Yes and yes, I don't think you ever truly get over it, but overall I'm really content with my life, and happy. I had therapy at various points in my 30s, and I think that definitely helped me to 'move on'. Everyone will be different, I think x

You’re afraid to say no to your husband because of his temper and his sulking / emotional punishment.

Why do you think your little children aren’t afraid of him when he regularly calls them stupid / idiots and shouts at them?

Him saying sorry and being very ‘loving’ after each incident doesn’t make them not afraid of him, it just means they’re being trained to accept the cycle of abuse.

This is damaging them. I’m so sorry as I know it’s horrible to hear but if you don’t think this is setting them up for a lifetime of abusive relationships then you’re absolutely wrong.

Living in a home with a parent whose moods / temper mean the other parent has to placate / walk on eggshells creates such huge tension in the home even if you believe your children don’t notice it. Many of us have been that child. We notice, we absorb that tension and we learn how to placate abusive people.

It’s so sad. That would all be the case even without the scarily frequent sexual abuse happening in their home that they don’t yet know about but is causing their mum to be unwell, scared while sleeping and going through symptoms that align with PTSD 😔

Yes I recognise all this.. and I just wanted someone to be nice to me and take care of me :( I jumped at the chance to move in with him too so I didn’t have to stay in shared accom anymore. I did ultimately make the choice on my own though. He didn’t push me into it.

This thread has gone from OP posting about abusive husband to OP sticking up for said abusive husband, at any cost it seems.
I don’t for one second believe that those children are anyway near as important to OP as the abusive DH, not one bit.

Yep, I’m sorry but I have to agree.

OP I wonder if it’s helpful to move away from the idea that the shouting etc is harmful and focus more on the harm that is done to them by witnessing the relationship blueprint he has set for you both. It’s very clear through the things you’ve shared about the finances etc that your husband holds all of the power. The impact of his sexual abuse of you and the emotional repercussions you experience, will also have an impact on your children.

Young children are very susceptible to blaming themselves for everything. It’s why it’s very important for them to understand our emotions and know why we’re feeling stressed or upset, in a child appropriate way, otherwise they internally blame themselves.

Nobody is doubting that you’re a great mother- look at everything you have achieved and survived. But your children will pick up on the subtle power and control cycle, on your distress and disassociation and they will begin to blame themselves and wonder if it’s something they’ve done. In the same way you blame yourself for your husbands sexual assaults of you, even though factually you understand that it’s not your fault.

Abuse does not have to be loud to have an impact on every single person in a home.

I’m sorry 😞 I’m sad I can’t be better/do better/be braver or do the right thing for them at the moment. They deserve a better mum.

but if I hadn’t met him I’d never had had them so I don’t wish that

you have every right to say what you’ve said

i think I’m going to step away for a bit because I’m feeling like a failure to them on top of everything else. I deserve it I know. They deserve better than me . I am trying to remain strong for them but it’s too hard .

OP these might take some time to load but I’d encourage you to have a look at the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel/equality wheel and see which you relate to most. I know you’re receiving a lot of opinions and this might be helpful to make things clearer for you in your own mind.