(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

Can I ask as not sure if you’ve said but how did you meet him as you were a young student and he was a grown man a decade older?

He ran a bar I used to go to a lot

Who would look after all your children if you were away for a weekend ?
at least one is in nappies - that is a lot for someone to volunteer to do.

Why not THEIR FATHER?
He's 50% responsible for them existing, and she works and contributes to the family.
Wtf shouldn't SHE get a weekend away from everything?

Oh FFS. I can't eye roll enough at this comment?

How old are you? From the 1590s Glasgow?

@ProudWomanXX

dearie me

read the whole thread !

her husband i.e. the children's father has suggested taking the OP i.e. the mother away for the weekend - without the 4 children !

so in simple terms

if the mother is away
and
if the father is away

who is going to look after the children

maybe just maybe you posted on the wrong thread ?...

Nope.

YOU try rtft!

He's trying to get her away for a weekend so he can abuse and rape her all the time.

It's NOT a "nice break" away from their mutual children , for a weekend!

My parents have had them overnight before , so that’s not an issue

😢😢 thank you ❤️

If you have ever worked in a bar, especially ones where students frequent, an older male bar owner will often see both the clients, and young female staff, as rich pickings for them.
If you were drinking heavily at night, aged just 18/19, and some of that was in is his bar, then he will have seen your vulnerability from a mile off.
I once worked for a guy who had his own business. He’d been a DJ at a Uni, met his wife who was 12 years younger. Behind her back, she had no idea he was a predator. Had a company flat girls used to live in, was constantly in lap dancing bars.
The DH here isn’t doing any of that, PP is his focus. But there’s something disturbing about a man that age homing in on a teenager.
The first assault was hideous.
But what the DH is doing here is far, far worse I am afraid. He’s an older man who has been exploiting a young woman’s trauma from the start.

I know, I probably would think the same now. But at the time he was very exciting, kind and looking after me, buying me and my friends drinks and making sure I didn’t have any trouble from other guys.

It may seem worse to you what’s happening now but to me, nothing can be worse than that. I would rather go through this 100s of times with my husband that have to relive the morning after the first assault again. Not knowing what happened but knowing something bad did because of the bruising was truly traumatic. Something that’s probably been slowly destroying my mental health for years.

PP I do understand. A young, violent man assaulted you.
Wherever he is, well, let’s just say none of us hope he’s happy.
But to weaponise that violence, to be verbally violent to young children….
You often see cases when a young woman is raped and then there is a male police officer somewhere in the mix. Who then starts turning up to show support and then rapes her.
Anyone older, and I’m not suggesting a bar owner has the same responsibility as a police officer, but they should not see a young vulnerable woman as prey.
I do understand the first attack was the most brutal and you have no real memory. But please understand what your husband is doing is a sustained campaign of manipulation, where young children are also getting damaged.

I think you’ve jumped on that poster unnecessarily and projected something on to her that she wasn’t saying. She didn’t say the weekend away would be a good thing, just asked how feasible it would it to get someone to take all the children for his plan to work.

I was a total mess that’s for sure and I sought help in all the wrong places unfortunately.

He made me feel so safe and said he would never let that happen to me again. So it did help me heal in a way but probably not in the right way

He said he'd never let that happen to you again, and then he did the same to you repeatedly. It's a horrifying level of abuse and manipulation against a vulnerable teenage girl.

He helped you heal by repeating the cycle.
That first assault has left you in a sense of freeze - it is a way to stay alive. Whether you are aware you are doing it or not, your body responds in a way to try and keep you safe.
So last time you nodded it was a response to stay alive because the threat was there.

Did you tell him very quickly about the assault? It does seem like he used your vulnerability to groom you

@TwistedWonder I did because he was the first person I slept with after I was assaulted. Probably 3ish months after. So I told him as I was a bit nervous and he kind of gave me a protection feeling :(

Can you tell your mum - I know you don’t want to tell her much - but can you say you think a surprise trip might be on the cards and you don’t want it. She needs to trust you on this, but if DH contacts her to arrange can she say something non-committal to him and tell you straight away?

We know when he wants something he makes it happen. He may present this as a fait accompli, like surprise get in the car it’s all arranged.

Right, listen up everybody. | Mumsnet https://share.google/z7DJpiRoPnxxGOOEk

Have you read the thread pinned at the top of relationships? This has a lot of relevant points for your situation but this especially struck me with your story.

Escaping a level 10 bastard doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one who comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none

@DropOfffArtiste everyone should read the advice at the top of that thread. It’s life-changing.

So many common themes for the OP and so many women sharing their hard earned wisdom.

These men are, sadly, not special or unique and the patterns are so transparent.

It’s not an either-or situation Poet. It’s not a choice between what that man did to you as a student, or a lifetime of abuse from the man who saw how vulnerable you were and groomed you to be his victim instead.

He might have made you feel like you deserve the way he abuses you because he ‘saved you’, but it is not true.

There is another option: safety away from him, alongside the therapy and healing so you can live in peace and be preyed upon by abusive men.

Thank you - I will read it

i know it’s not an either/or. I wonder if that’s why my feelings have been so strong and I felt/still feel to an extent that I cannot live without him. He had obviously been the only person I’ve been with since the first assault and I really believed him when he said he’d never let anyone touch me/hurt me again.

If he punched one of your children, you would end the relationship wouldn’t you?

If he cheated on you and told you he wanted to stay married but shag loads of other people, you would end the relationship wouldn’t you?

Im trying to help you see that there are instances in which you would live without him. And what he is doing is just as bad as those things.

Your children are living with a rapist who at least monthly trains them to expect and accept the cycle of abuse from people who say they love them.

Your children’s future happiness and current wellbeing has to take priority over your fear about not being in a relationship with their abuser x