(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

I learned in therapy - secrets make you sick.
And they do.
We all have public faces and private lives - so, you know, I don’t see my boss picking his teeth watching Britain’s Got Talent. But, on the whole, someone well-rounded is decent at home and in work, around friends and behind-closed-doors.
I am not sure how old DH here but I picture someone late 30’s who works in a high octane job, who has the ability possibility to wow people.
Maybe OP’s family and friends are impressed by this side and see him as a good provider.
But it’s all an act, all of it. Even the good times are an act. All of it is about control, and that means ruling by fear.
We have an idea that an abusive man is often ill-educated, sitting in a chair with a can of lager, charmless, swinging punches and being violent 24/7.
You would surprised at how often people aren’t surprised when they find out a man is an abuser - they will often pick up a vibe and not want to say.
He couldn’t go without sex for a month? Would laugh if it was suggested? That is because he thinks it’s something to take, it has nothing to do with willingness.
And he’s probably quite skilled at creating intimacy at other times - OP resounds to that. She wants to create it sometimes because it gives her back some control. But he’s always in control.
This young family is awash with secrets - the children even more so as they really will be hiding what is happening. As they get older, that would change.
Men like this can be very generous with children but when it comes down to it, it’s not about parenting. If a marriage ends, they need a new victim. They need a new person to control.
Over time, secrecy like this manifests in all sorts of issues - from the mundane to the serious.

What if you said the one month thing was advised by your therapist to enable your recovery? He managed to control himself for 6 weeks when you were postpartum (unless there are details we don’t know about that) so he is capable of control.

He'll laugh at you needing some time because you're traumatised by him raping you?

Don’t quote me on this but I have a vague memory of the OP possibly saying it happened 2 weeks after birth. Again, apologies if that’s not completely correct but I do have some memory of that being said.

Please don’t feel alone PinkPoet.🌸

@ByPinkPoet0 I think the main thing is you don’t feel alone or any pressure. You are trying to process all this information as well as be a mother and working and running a household. And you don’t get time to breathe as you feel obliged to pacify your husband so on top of that sex twice a day at the minimum. Do take some you time if you can , be that a nice relaxing bath, a bit of yoga or meditation or what ever makes you happy. Take care of yourself . It’s totally fine and safe to post here for a sense check, you are doing great. I will answer the question from your other thread about why you stay for the sake of the kids. I just can’t wisely put it into words.

I think in all honestly, especially in the last three years since the time he forced me, I have just trained myself to get on and do it so I don’t need to worry about that happening again. I am quite scared about that happening again.

If I leave it more than a few days between sex that’s when the pressure starts like the touching in the night and early morning and things . That’s when it reminds me of what happened as I’ll wake up and he’s behind me ‘turned on’ even if it’s like 2am. This has escalated a few times to me waking up with him already having sex with me.

So I think , therapist mentioned this, I am trying to avoid this from happening so I keep it up regularly.

Plus on top of that I’m also sucked into the ‘makeup sex’ cycle of doing it when we’re both upset which I’m trying to unpick but that’s quite ingrained.

Someone asked his age he is 40
Hes always been like this but I feel like it’s getting worse

OP it is huge that you recognise that how you act is in response to what he did to you and trying to prevent it reoccurring.

Him having sex with you when you’re asleep means that you have not consented. It also means that he doesn’t feel he needs your consent and is entitled to sex whenever he likes, regardless of what you want.

I’m so sorry to hear you feel it’s getting worse. Are you able to have a few days away and take your DCs to your parents or a friend? If you can, I think the space would give you some time to think more clearly.

I might have got this wrong OP but did you say he’s 12 years older than you?

I was trying not to nail down too many specific details -
I said he’s 10-12 years older. Early 40s

So you are around 28 and you met in your early twenties? You must have had the four children in very quick succession, almost constantly pregnant or with a small baby.

But you also said you were together for four years before you had children?

OP I’m so glad you made a new thread.
please continue to post.
I am a psychotherapist and i am very concerned for you and your children.
you likely have PTSD from your rape considering what you have written here. And he is retraumatising you everytime he approaches you sexually.
you having sex with him to make him back off is a trauma response.
it’s giving handmaids tale!
please continue your therapy and I really hope you get to the place where you can leave.
my final word is - CHILDREN LIVING IN THE HOMES WHERE ABUSE OCCURS ARE BEING ABUSED TOO. Even if they do not directly experience abuse. Which your children ARE.
THE GOOD TIMES NEVER OUTWEIGH THE BAD. Disney dad isn’t the dad that is remembered and I see the effects of this everyday in therapy. This will have consequences for your children, their future relationships and their own children.
I so hope you can leave xx

Thank you, this is helpful to read.
I didn’t know all this before but it’s all helping me to realise that it’s not normal .

I was so paranoid about this being seen and linked to me I’ve changed a few years here and there to try to keep it anonymous but the general gist yes, they are close together

This has escalated a few times to me waking up with him already having sex with me.

This is rape as well, OP.

By my maths you were barely above the age of consent when you got together. A child 😢

Using the assumption that you are about 28 now, the 'worst' rape was 3 years ago when you were heavily pregnant with your youngest, 1 child a year and 4 years before you had kids together. I appreciate you have been altering dates slightly, but what you've given would put you at 17, so I'm reckoning in the 16-18 range. And him almost 30 😳. That's a bit questionable to say the least.

I’m sorry to say this but the more I read the more it feels like this creature deliberately targeted you knowing you were a vulnerable very young woman who had already been through trauma and he put on his mature knight in shining armour act to pull you into his web.
Then once he drew you in, he’s had you constantly pregnant with very young children and you’re totally vulnerable and dependent on him.

He knows he can rape , sexually assault, financially and emotionally abuse you without consequence because in his mind you’re his possession not an equal partner.

He believes he saved you and that gives him control and domination over you.

I just read your thread - new here. I am really sorry you have to go through this and I mean it. My situation was different but going to share anyway as some things may relate.

10 years ago I was in a relationship, we were having sex which started with consent, but during the act I froze, had panic attack and like you - started crying. My partner did not realise I cried and I didn’t try to get him off me, so he never stopped (your experience may resonate or not). I ended up in therapy due to panic attacks and this event and ultimately realised that this experience was due to rape I had experienced previously but didn’t know is SA. I was groomed, molested, and repeatedly SA when I was 12 by what I know was 19 years old pdf not my “boyfriend”. This continued for almost 2 years (I am not from the UK) so I genuinely went through life thinking this is just how relationships are - you have no right to say no..

My relationship ultimately ended and quite a few after that because they couldn’t understand my past experience and the way they treated me changed after I disclosed. I also confronted my abuser who kept hoovering around me online until 2019. We lived in different countries - to him it was all with consent. He totally missed the point that I was underage and could not have consented at all or all the threats and coercion that happened.

I don’t know if you spoke to your husband, but I understand the guilt and questions you have. Whether it was malicious, or did he just not realise it etc. However, my experience is that it doesn’t matter. What he says will not change your experience, trauma, or how you move forward to process or the way you view him now.

The main thing for you is to ensure you are physically safe, then seek specialist therapist. New Pathways saved my life for the past 6 years. It is a long journey, and it is about getting back your body autonomy. It will sound horrible but your husband and marriage are at the very bottom on your list of priorities right now. I have had lapses where when I have dated someone new, and they moved faster than my liking I will go ahead and then end up re-triggered and in therapy again. It is normal, but is also self-destructive and early intervention and support can make a massive difference in your recovery.

It took me 10 years to realise what happened to me, another 3 to say it out-loud and 7 more of on and off treatment for depression, anxiety, cPTSD, etc. These are 20 years of my life (I am 32) in survival mode, until now when I am finally in a place I feel ok. I missed my life, because I buried everything. Don’t make this mistake is my advice.

Recovery is possible. You are doing the right things. What you feel and think is completely normal.

I think it’s not helpful to work out exact dates ect as this may scare the op. What’s been established it there is an age gap, very likely grooming and love bombing.

@ByPinkPoet0 do you know what his relationship history was before he met you. I think you should run a Claire’s law on him tbh. I don’t think you were his first victim but I hope you are his last.

Crikey. I can't believe what I'm reading. I don't think you'll ever again feel comfortable having sex or being affectionate with this man. He wants sex, a lot of it, and on his terms and his terms only.

There is no future for this relationship where you will feel comfortable around this man in any intimate moments.

Move the fuck on. If not for your sake, your DCs. It will be miserable for you and them to try keep going with him.

I say that as someone who's been sexually coerced, assaulted and raped.

a few questions about age and children’s ages , which I understand.

I will say - yes I was young - but was an adult.
I had recently come out of a period of unstable behaviour as a young adult, drinking and a sexual assault while drunk at university when I met him
Things moved quickly and I moved in after 3 months
I had 4 children close together , two very close (unplanned)

I was young and vulnerable BUT I was an adult and fully aware of my choices

Thank you for sharing ❤️ I hope you are doing better now

I will continue in therapy and thinking of changing therapist as I’m not sure she fully gets it . I have tried to be very honest .

I have looked into Clare’s law, never heard of it before now. Is it like a criminal record check? Would he know?

He had a long term girlfriend before me. She was his age. He told me that she was very volatile and they had big fights. Apparently she would get physical with him on occasion . He always said I never did, I would punch the wall instead. I had no reason not to believe this. I didn’t give it much thought at the time.

We had a few early conversations about this but I never really brought it up again after that. I know that is also probably a red flag.

Did you finish your degree?

Yes I did :)