(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

Hey OP - glad you’ve made this new thread. How are you doing? I know it’s a lot.

Not great. It is A LOT.
Feel on the edge of a panic attack constantly.
It’s just a shock

Hi OP!
You said this earlier

I think he knows he does wrong and is in a constant state of trying to make it better. He often texts me during the day to tell me how he’s sorry, he’s trying so hard to be the man I deserve and so on

Can you give an example of any action he has taken to change these behaviours?

Or is it simply him thinking "better not do that again - I probably won't if I just regret it hard enough now"

Because that isn't enough to change.

Ok yes , so once we have a conversation and he promises to change usually ..
We will have a few weeks where we don’t see any anger
He will be overly loving, cuddly, complimentary
Sometimes he buys me things or books holidays
He seems happier

Sex wise he hasn’t really shown much evidence of change. He still turns every cuddle into something more or tries to. He says he’s sorry he can’t help it, all the usual. I don’t know what to think. If I move his hands away he says ‘why are you making me feel like a perv for fancying my wife’

Every night, most mornings, sometimes in the night .

Sometimes if he knows he’s crossed a line that night or in the morning he’ll call me and leave messages I’m so sorry I know I’m not giving you space, I’m really trying , please believe me, I have a problem

OP how old is he? Just out of curiosity, nothing more.

This is called the cycle of abuse OP.

Do you recognise this pattern in your own home?

His refusal to stop sexually assaulting and sexually coercing you simply isn’t going to change OP, he’s made that clear.

Do you accept that this isn’t going to change, even if he cries during the ‘make up’ phase?

If so, how do you feel now that you acknowledge to yourself that this element isn’t going to change?

Sometimes if he knows he’s crossed a line that night or in the morning he’ll call me and leave messages I’m so sorry I know I’m not giving you space, I’m really trying , please believe me, I have a problem

He's not though. If he was trying, he'd listen to you and give you breathing space.

Bombarding you with woe is me/self-justifying messages isn't about trying to make things better, it's about keeping you from any free thinking space. It's about making it about his emotions instead of your own feelings about the boundaries he constantly crosses or pushes.

Despite his claims to want to be better and make you happy, you have shared that he is sexually coercive at best and sexually assaulting you at worst “every night, most mornings and sometimes in the night” OP.

His behaviour is so abusive that it is criminal. He meets the criminal threshold of sexual assault, sexually coercion and on at least one occasion, rape.

The rape is not an isolated incident really. It’s part of a years long campaign of sexual coercion and abuse against you.

You are being abused multiple times a day, every day.

So he's not doing anything to change his behaviour other than in his own mind? Which hasn't worked at all.

When he says he's trying he's not really being truthful. Because what he's doing isn't changing things yet he keeps doing them.

Saying he can't help himself is him relinquishing blame for anything he does. Of course he can help it! He has muscles and a brain. He is choosing to do all these things. Absolutely nothing is making him or preventing him from stopping and doing something else.

Booking holidays when you screw up is, to me, madness. Just really weird thinking that using family money on a trip is a solution to abusing your family.

If he believes he has a problem, he should be dealing with it, not trying to use it as an excuse to manipulate or force you into sex.

His problem is his to solve.

So are you up for my bullet points - starting with him agreeing to no sex or sexual behaviour towards you whatsoever and no attitude and this for at least a month?

The other thought (and in know it's unpleasant), but either he's lying when he says he can't stop himself or he's not lying and somehow can't control his sexual urges - in which case he's a risk to every female in the house, including your kids.

I truly believe a man capable of raping his crying, heavily pregnant wife is capable of almost anything.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’re right - it’s a lot. You might feel like your world has been turned upside down and that’s hugely stressful. You need to go at a pace you’re comfortable with and if you need a break it’s fine too. Just know that there are lots of supportive people here willing to listen and support as long as you need.

Sadly, I believe this too. A caring husband’s only response when his wife is crying and distressed should only be to comfort her, not to think of his own ‘needs’. The fact that he’s even then only thinking about himself and not about supporting his wife is deeply disturbing.

When I worked in rehab, we used to say, ‘trying is lying’. People who say it know they aren’t changing the behaviour. If someone says they will or won’t do something, and they change other behaviour to help, there’s a chance. Just saying he’s trying over and over without doing anything else… it’s just a lie.

Things he could do like accessing therapy, sorting the bank accounts, anger management, parenting classes, sleeping elsewhere… nothing. No effort in any way. Just hugs (which turn into sex for him) and empty promises.

I’m glad you’re still here. I’m worried you’re forgiving things on behalf of your children that aren’t yours to forgive.

Hi OP, I hope you didnt think I meant that you should have had that conversation before you had kids- it was more just an example of the type of conversation. I wasnt criticising you at all.you are not to blame here.
At the minute it seems like he is just placating you with words and false promises but his behaviour is showing you constantly that he wont change. I agree with other posters that you should tell him sex is off the table for a month and if he tries to guilt trip you or coerce you them he is demonstrating his unwillingness to change. I imagine this is a scary idea because you know he won't respect that request, and that will mean you have to confront the idea that he really does not want to change and hes lying. X

It’s hard because I know how the conversation will go. About the sex I mean

He will not be able to go a month without and the suggestion would took make him laugh probably. He will feel uncomfortable with the suggestion.Plus he will claim that a month is too long for me as well because I’ll want him back .

Mine and DHs sex life is non existent at the moment because we have young kids and we’re both just burnt out. I didn’t want to have sex at all during my last pregnancy, after the birth and for a good few months after the post partum period either. Not once did he ever mention it, let alone pester me. Not once.

Once I said something to him about how we’ve not had sex for a very long time due to my reasons and his response was “Don’t be silly, I would wait as long as I needed before you felt up to it again. What kind of man wouldn’t?!” And I think you have your answer.

OP none of this is normal, none of this is loving, none of this is caring. It’s so abusive, so far from what a loving relationship is.

This is because you always give in to him. He knows if he pushes and pushes, he gets to have sex anyway. Is there somewhere in your mind that is thinking if you refuse that he will rape you regardless?

He will not be able to go a month without
Doesn't he have any hands? What would he do if you had to go away or were in hospital?

and the suggestion would took make him laugh probably.
Does he always dismiss and invalidate perfectly reasonable ideas that would help you feel safe and listened to?

He will feel uncomfortable with the suggestion
Why does his discomfort matter more than yours?

.Plus he will claim that a month is too long for me as well because I’ll want him back
Surely that would be a good thing, that it would be you being keen to have sex rather than him constantly after you for it.

He's aware that the reason you're asking this is because of his sexually oppressive behavior and has rethink you, and you anticipate his response would be him laughing at you 😳

Any less than a month wouldn't be an adequate test of his motivation to change. It also needs to be for a minimum of a month, so up for review at the end, not a countdown...

If you can't do this one simple thing then you know he has zero intention of changing, he's all talk, he doesn't respect you, and has intention of continuing to sexually assaulting you for the rest of your life.

What does he think will happen to him if he doesn't have sex for a month?

If he was (to pick a random example) in prison for rape, he would have to survive much longer without.

The suggestion to not rape you will make him laugh and uncomfortable will it? Please read that sentence back and imagine your daughter saying that to you about a boy. What would your reaction be?

Can you see how you are valuing his desires over your own mental health and wellbeing? It would make him uncomfortable if you asked for a break from sex because you are trying to process the fact he raped you? I understand its hard to see because you lobe him and you are used to protecting his feelings above all else, but you are bending over backwards to try and accommodate him, while he continues to SA you. I dont understand how he can be begging for forgiveness and telling you he will change but at the same time you think he will laugh at the suggestion. That makes no sense.
Also, no one 'needs' sex. They want sex. This narrative of men not being able to control themselves because of their 'needs' is insulting to good men and the type of sexist rhetoric that facilitates rape. He is using this language to absolve himself of responsibility for his own actions. If he couldnt help himself then he would be raping every woman he found attractive on impulse. But hes not, hes raping his wife behind closed doors.