Bless you OP
I can really relate to this because I had some really messed up ideas about sex when I was younger and I used to never really quite enjoy myself because I felt guilty about the MANY one night stands I had as a youngster. I had a couple of very bad experiences which I blamed myself for, as I internalised the 'I shouldnt have put muyself in a vulnerable position, but later realised its because they were abusive/ rapist men. If they had been decent men they would not have done that to me. And if it had not been me, they likely did the same to other women. The fault is with those men, not with us.
I also married someone I shouldnrt have done because I equated that with being desired and wanted and safe, who didnt treat me well, but I felt like I was allowed to enjoy the sex, and those hormones to a certain extent, kept me involved alot longer than I should have been. Once I was divorced I didnt have those shameful hangups about sex anymore. I did have therapy too, and I have learned SO MUCH from being on this forum for a great many years. The strength and support of women cannot be underestimated.
Casual sex is part of discovering ourselves to a certain extent. In societies which are less patriarchal, (where womens sexual activity needs to be kept in check and owned by men) there is no shame about female sexual desire. Female sexual desire is natural - despite what men will try to tell you. If women didnt have sexual desire, then ask yourself why there are so many laws made by men designed to control and restrict it.
I too used to defer to men in relationships, to mold myself around their needs and rhythms, their friends and interests. I probably believed what they told me. Not so much now. But Im old, post menopausal and cranky, and Ive seen too much. You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you are capable of achieving anything you want, once free of the burden of this awful sexual bully that you have allowed to rule like God over you.