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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would he really be that stupid?

149 replies

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 14:53

My husband separated from me a couple of months ago but we still live in the same house, while he decides what happens next. He's just had a card delivered to the house that's an anniversary card saying "let's be weird together forever". The envelope arrived in a right state which is why I could see it. It's blank for him to fill out. Our anniversary isn't for ages. Despite everything I've always said that he wouldn't cheat on me and I said seeing someone while we were still in the same house was a line that couldn't be cross. Would be really he that stupid to send a card to the house?

OP posts:

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 31/03/2026 14:55

Yes. Sorry.

Arlanymor · 31/03/2026 14:59

First post nails it. I am sorry.

Notabarbie · 31/03/2026 15:01

It certainly looks that way. But you can't really tell an adult whether they can date. You're not together.

Original poster

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:04

When he came back I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no that he had no intention.

OP posts:

TheThingOnTheIce · 31/03/2026 15:05

Notabarbie · 31/03/2026 15:01

It certainly looks that way. But you can't really tell an adult whether they can date. You're not together.

If he’s buying anniversary cards I’m guessing this has been going on for longer than they have been separated

catipuss · 31/03/2026 15:06

Ask him about the card?

Original poster

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:08

I've messaged to ask. Could be awhile before I get an answer.

OP posts:

blacksax · 31/03/2026 15:22

Men tend to think with their dicks, and dicks do not have brains.

Jupiterx · 31/03/2026 15:23

I sent a card that said the same thing to my friend.

Let's be weird together it was sent as a joke card, nothing sinister about it.

Ilovelurchers · 31/03/2026 15:31

This might sound left field, but is it possible it could be for hou, and he could be hoping for a reconciliation by planning some kind of anniversary surprise? Is your anniversary with him on the horizon?

If that's not possible, then it does look like he hasn't been honest.

And if no relationships while living together was something you both agreed to, I understand why that upsets you. Having said that, I suppose if he has managed to keep it away from you thus far (apart from the card, which he could not have predicted you would see, in fairness to him) maybe he feels he is effectively respecting your wishes, by not rubbing the new relationship in your face?

But I understand your annoyance!

Chersfrozenface · 31/03/2026 15:36

Jupiterx · 31/03/2026 15:23

I sent a card that said the same thing to my friend.

Let's be weird together it was sent as a joke card, nothing sinister about it.

The OP said it's an anniversary card.

I don't send anniversary cards celebrating being together to my friends, personally.

Thewookiemustgo · 31/03/2026 15:40

Yes I think he really could be that stupid.
I think most infidelity is probably found out by accident, cheat gets sloppy/ absent minded over time, or so cocky that they won’t be found out and so used to the deceit that they take a stupid risk and it backfires.
If it’s ages until your next anniversary, could your anniversary have been only a few months ago before he wanted a separation, and it’s taken a long time due to damage to find your address?
You can twist yourself into all kinds of explantations as above, but sadly the simplest explanation is usually the one that is true. It isn’t near your anniversary therefore high probability that it’s not for your anniversary.
It sounds like he instigated the separation, he is the one still in the house, deciding what he wants to do next. He has apparently given no concrete reason for wanting this, so, high probability that the lack of certainty in a future with you and real reason he separated is because of somebody else.
Is it final that you have permanently separated and he’s deciding where to live next, or has he separated from you but still at home whilst he is deciding about the marriage? His alleged indecision says it all. Keep one foot in the door in case he realises he’s made a terrible mistake, or OW doesn’t want him or gets cold feet and doesn’t leave her husband if she’s married.
Sorry OP but I don’t think the card was for you, I do think there’s an OW and has been for longer than you think. I think he’s separated because she was either starting to make demands on him, wanting him to put his money where his mouth is if he promised her a future, or he wants her to leave her partner/ husband for him and is showing her he’s serious. It’s probably a compromise after being pressured to prove how he feels, he’s going as far as a separation rather than moving out completely to appease her and think he still stands a chance with you in case he wants back in.
What do you get to decide OP? I’d call time on his dithering, or get a deadline out of him at least, this is a horrible way to live, not knowing if or when the axe might fall. If you’re definitely done, then give him a few weeks to sort his crap out but tell him you expect a decision as soon as possible.
It’s been said a lot here recently that MN jumps to OW before anything else, but I can’t remember one thread where a husband said he wanted out, swore there was nobody else and there actually wasn’t. Most men leave because they’re feathering a nest elsewhere.

UninitendedShark · 31/03/2026 15:45

The stupidity of men knows no bounds in my experience. Sorry, but it sure looks like he’s lying through his teeth. I’d have not mentioned it and waited for him to start wondering where it went.

Original poster

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:46

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back.

This is definitely a romantic card rather than one for a friend.

OP posts:

UninitendedShark · 31/03/2026 15:47

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:46

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back.

This is definitely a romantic card rather than one for a friend.

How noble of him. And it sounds like bs to me.

Original poster

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:49

When it first happened I thought we were going to work on it. He agreed. Then a couple of weeks later he said we'd always been separated.

OP posts:

OneShyQuail · 31/03/2026 15:51

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 14:53

"While he decides what happens next"

What 👀

ILoveDaffodills · 31/03/2026 15:56

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:46

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back.

This is definitely a romantic card rather than one for a friend.

say what??

FFS find your self respect & tell him to move out.

Coconutter24 · 31/03/2026 15:57

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:46

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back.

This is definitely a romantic card rather than one for a friend.

How do you know it was a romantic card, what else does it say?

PersephonePomegranate · 31/03/2026 15:58

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:46

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back.

This is definitely a romantic card rather than one for a friend.

And you're OK with that?!

Starlight1979 · 31/03/2026 16:01

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 15:46

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back.

This is definitely a romantic card rather than one for a friend.

He said he needed to wait 4 to 6 months to see how he felt, but that there was a chance he'd take me back....

You are joking?

FrauPaige · 31/03/2026 16:01

This is like being in the 1950s

iwasgonnasay · 31/03/2026 16:03

What reasons did he even give or did this come out of the blue? Were you on the rocks? Did you already suspect?
I think context is required to the split

fairislecable · 31/03/2026 16:11

While he is pontificating about his future life choices get your finances in order see a solicitor and decide on how you split.

Scrape your self respect up off the floor and make your own choices.

Original poster

Adviceseeker35 · 31/03/2026 16:12

It's not a card if send to my friends. It has many hearts.

He wanted an open marriage as I wasn't meeting his needs.

OP posts:

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