Can you co-exist long term with a husband you dislike

[PennyBilly]

Will try and keep this short but basically I cannot stand my husband. We've not been married long but together over 20 years. I knew I didn't love him when I married him but I always wanted a wedding plus we have children and a house together. It made sense.

But it's getting really difficult to even pretend I want to be with him. He bores me senseless talking about work all the time. Acts like he's the only one that works hard and therefore deserves a rest at the weekend. But I don't get any such treat! He drinks excessively and as soon as he starts slurring, I feel physically sick and can't be in his presence.

I know I'm not going to leave him. I love my house and my neighbours and the kids are happy. I wouldn't be able to afford anything without him. I guess my question is, is it possible to co-exist long-term with someone you mostly dislike. We do have some fun times but ultimately the bad does outweigh the good.

I couldn't. I managed a year after his drunkeness became clear.

My contempt for his selfishness, laziness and ineptitude meant I'd either kill him and bury him under the patio or I'd hit the bottle by 10am.

In the end it was easier - and a huge relief- just to take ds and go.

It's only a house. Don't waste your life.

To answer your question - yes, you can co-exist with a DH that you tolerate. However my advice would be to plan for the future, invest, how old are your DC? Are you hanging around for them?

Can you find a source of joy, do you like the gym? Drinks with friends? Book club? Do something for you. I understand your comments on marriage, after such a long time and seeing many friends married you wanted your turn. I get that. Reach out to friends

Sadly, more women than you may think settle for men just to get a wedding, house and children. Again, it's very sad but more common than you think. It's no coincidence, espcially if youre a woman, that everyone around you suddenly seems to start settling down, getting married and having kids when you reach your late 29d- early 30s. They basically just grab any half-decent man they can- all he has to do is be employed and have a house! When women are looking for marriage and children, they're a lot more practical and money-minded (this is very especially true among the middle classes).

You say this about your parent's marriage and are now repeating it.
So guess what?
20 years time your children are going be feeling the same in a similar marriage.
Break the cycle.

Thank you to all those that offered empathy and support. I have done a lot of thinking and although I don't think I am entirely to blame, I do think I need to work on myself before writing off the marriage altogether. I have contacted my old therapist but unfortunately she doesn't see private clients anymore so I have got in touch with someone else who are provided via our company. Will see what comes of that.
I'm already dreading the long weekend and atmosphere that there will inevitably be. He is having to work on Friday which is instantly going to waste away the rest of the weekend especially as the kids don't have any of their usual clubs to get up for. I'm going to do my best to put a smile on my face and not antagonise him. For my sake and the sake of the children.

I get why you married him, cause you felt like you were just IN IT - child, house. Thought it was what it’s supposed to be. But it’s just caught up on you, pulling the wool over your own eyes with hopeful or grin and bear it intentions. I don’t think you’re disgusting. I think a lot of women would do the same, a child and house - maybe you thought marriage would the final piece and everything would be okay.

I think you and I have a lot in common!

it is only posisble if you carve out things for yourself eg decent friends and hobbies otherwise he will bring you down. That’s my way of coping, anyway. Feel free to DM me

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