Can you co-exist long term with a husband you dislike

[PennyBilly]

Will try and keep this short but basically I cannot stand my husband. We've not been married long but together over 20 years. I knew I didn't love him when I married him but I always wanted a wedding plus we have children and a house together. It made sense.

But it's getting really difficult to even pretend I want to be with him. He bores me senseless talking about work all the time. Acts like he's the only one that works hard and therefore deserves a rest at the weekend. But I don't get any such treat! He drinks excessively and as soon as he starts slurring, I feel physically sick and can't be in his presence.

I know I'm not going to leave him. I love my house and my neighbours and the kids are happy. I wouldn't be able to afford anything without him. I guess my question is, is it possible to co-exist long-term with someone you mostly dislike. We do have some fun times but ultimately the bad does outweigh the good.

Thank you to those that appear to be reading the full thread. I wouldn't describe myself as disgusting or whatever else I've been called. I'm stuck in an unhappy marriage. Of course I didn't really only get married because I wanted a nice party and pretty dress - that came out in a word dump and it was a factor but not the only reason!

I can also see that it is highly likely that I am the main cause of the problem and projecting on him which I will do something about.

It's been a while since review of my AD dose, probably something else I need to look into.

Agree with PP who suggests I have a warped idea of marriage based on what I have been brought up around. I am always quite surprised when I see married couples who genuinely seem happy and in love.

Someone asked if the extra money I paid to the house was ringfenced and yes it was but only if I die. Although I put in more financially, he did a huge amount of work on the house and gave up a lot of time and therefore money to do so.

I couldn’t deal with this. It would drive me insane. I wouldn’t marry someone I wasn’t absolutely crazy about though, but I guess you have a kid together so it made some sense.

Honestly one thing I am glad about is that my mum and dad got divorced quickly. Growing up around parents who resent one another fucks people up. They’re at the point now (and have been for about 10 years) where the can be around one another and are friendly which is handy for family events. I really think you should just leave him for your own sake and the sake of your child.

I can't imagine him ever agreeing to couples counselling. Whenever we do try to have an open and honest conversation, he gets all defensive and it ends up in a row. Which is why I bottle everything up and probably why it's got this bad.

I think people are being pretty harsh on you OP. The day-to-day slog of family life and work can make even the strongest marriage falter. There really is so little time or energy left over for maintaining your relationship with your partner that all the worst bits of them come into sharper focus. Who wants to have sex with someone who constantly talks about work/ is incapable of loading the dishwasher properly/ leaves skidmarks in the toilet/ emits constant beer-fuelled farts while monopolising the TV to watch F1/football? [delete as appropriate]. I also truly believe that very few people end up marrying "the love of their life" - people throughout time have chosen to get married for various reasons: security, societal norms, the fact that your spouse is a "good" person and will likely be a good parent.....Sexual attraction fades and can dry up completely when the time and energy for emotional intimacy is in short supply (i.e. life is taken up by work and kids, and we are all just too knackered and busy sorting shit out to hang out and have fun with the person we married). Maybe things will get better as the kids get older, maybe splitting up would make you both happier, maybe now is the moment to make small changes, or maybe you should just ride it out. Who knows? Just be kind to yourself and look to find the things which make you happy.

100 per cent. I’ve never known two people so incompatible and unhappy as the couple I referred to upthread but she persevered because she wanted the house he had

This is almost entirely the case with us. I take on so much of the household and child admin and all he does is work and come home and then I feel like I'm expected to listen to him moan constantly about work when he's not offering any support for the mental load. He does do most of the cooking but he loves it and he also designed the kitchen to exactly how he wanted it and gets to watch football and drink beer while doing it so not exactly a chore is it!

OP

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Your parents taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships and those same lessons are now being imparted to your DC. No one ever bothered with you sadly as a child nor show you what a mutually respectful relationship and or marriage is like and you still do not know because you're not in one.

Your own childhood set you up good and proper into being in the poor boundaried mindset you are currently in. Its not your fault your H is the ways he is and you did not turn him into a drunkard.

Would you want your DC to be in such a marriage or relationship as yours is as adults?. No and you would want better for them. Your mother chose to stay (as are you currently) but I would urge you to be very brave here and make the break from him sooner rather than later. I can tell you now your DC will not say thanks mum to you for staying with him for what are really your own reasons (a lifestyle you want to maintain).

I am glad you are considering therapy; you need this badly and I mean that most kindly, It will be an investment in you as well as your DC. As for joint counselling of course he will refuse to go; such selfish alcoholics often say no. He is doing you a favour by not going. I would consider therefore going on your own as you need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

I do not doubt that your DC are happy on a surface day to day basis; their material needs are being met but there is more to life than just material things. Your DC will leave home and far sooner than later not wanting to return to the family home often if at all because of the atmosphere within it. They pick up on all the vibes here and your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad and sense the antipathy between you and their dad. They certainly see all the empties he piles up in the recycling.

You have a choice re your drunk H; your children do not. I would make choices now with both you and they front and centre in your mind. Do not be afraid to take some responsibility for your own happiness here and move on with your life. After all you are in your mid 30s currently so still young and you likely have many years in front of you. Do not waste it with him.

Sounds like you're the living example of how to do it.

Yes, I did it for years. But there was no abuse, no arguments etc. I knew I just wanted out when the kids were old enough. And that’s what I did. 😊

OP

I would also think his cooking is not great given the amount of football watched or of alcohol consumed whilst doing this. And in the course of a week he likely spends no more than say 2-3 hours on this.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It seems to me you just jumped from one poor childhood at home into a marriage that you thought was an escape or ticket out only to recreate a similar dynamic in your own marriage. I am so very sorry that no-one ever bothered with you as a child to show you different. But you have a choice re your kids now and I would urge you to not make the choice to stay that your own mother made. Dysfunction goes down the generations but it can and should stop at you.

If he drinks heavily then it won’t end well

why I’m divorcing my husband - tho unlike you I did love him - just don’t love his behaviour when drunk

and neither did dd. We both deserve better and tbh so does you /your kid and even your dh

im sure your kids pick up on the tension and I think you would be mad to stay with someone you don’t love

the shorter the marriage the better the better/easier the financial outcome esp if you own more of house

yes he may have done labour but he also lives there so used /benifited

the judge goes by cold hard cash /money facts usually

you could have another 40yrs of this

Will reply to other comments but just picking up on the cooking comment. He is a fantastic cook, if he could he would have been a chef. However, I don't think it's fair to make that his pretty much only household chore because it's something he actually enjoys doing. He could cook for 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon but it would take me nearly as much time to clean up afterwards and I get no thanks for that.

Why would you want to inflict a relationship like that on your kids? Haven’t RTFT but assume you’ve already claimed they’re none the wiser, when all evidence is always to the contrary.

OP

He's done a right number of you hasn't he.

How can he be such a fantastic cook given the amount of alcohol he consumes or football he watches whilst doing this?. Again this is a limited activity and he seems to do nothing more than this the rest of the week leaving you to carry the rest of the mental load.

And who cleans down the kitchen pans etc after he's finished larking about in there?. My guess is it's not him or if he does it is a half arsed job.

I mean @PennyBilly hasn't actually said that he's an alcoholic who drinks every day (although of course he may well be). Everyone seems to be taking that one fact and running with it. She just that she doesn't like it when he drinks too much and slurs his words....

As I said in an earlier post, they are both massively unhappy so he's most likely masking / burying his unhappiness by drinking. Not saying it's right but people have to cope somehow.

He doesn't drink every day but probably 4 or 5 out of 7 and it's a lot or at least it seems to be a lot to me.

I do all the cleaning up after he's finished cooking, he makes very little attempt to clean up as he goes along.

Yes, teenagers. One of the things that kept me married was the guilt I felt about them being exposed to spending time alone with him if I left.

The split was a difficult time for them for sure, but long term I think staying with him would have been worse - they were soon able to decide who to spend what time with and they did choose to spend time with him so he can’t have been that bad.

And they saw me remarried and happy, learned what a good relationship looks like and gained a lovely stepfather who they like very much.

And if you think your children are fooled into thinking your marriage is OK then don’t kid yourself. They see good stable marriages and happy parents around them and in the media. They will see right through you. How do you think that will impact them?

Was not all that surprised to see that you clear up after his cooking malarky's.

A person who drinks too much and slurs words is more likely than not to be a person with a drink problem. Many alcoholics can and do hold down jobs - until they do not and the wheels fall off. Not all alcoholics sit on park benches drinking daily. And he is likely to be on a comedown from alcohol on the days he does not drink so its unlikely he is ever completely sober.

OP may well not like it when he drinks too much and slurs his words but their children likely see and hear that too. And even if the DC do not see it directly they will pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between them. They certainly see all the empties in the recycling bin and OP has also stated she does not want to be his carer.

Given the amount he is drinking each week (and this is what she directly knows about because he is likely under estimating how much he is drinking) its way over the recommended 14 units.

It's the effects his drinking has on other people i.e his family around him that is the problem and alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason.

And OP do you think that such a man would be bothered with seeing his children going forward given his job and unhealthy relationship to alcohol?. Nah he'd palm them off onto his parents or someone else because they would interfere with either his work or his drinking time (more likely that).

Have you considered communication? (I’m not saying that to be flippant! Communicating about this could be very difficult). If he doesn’t like you much either, it may be that you guys would do better living as a co-parenting “village” (he would stay and help pay for the house but all intimacy between you would cease). You would both consider yourselves single and can have whatever relationship you like.

Whatever the solution, it sounds like you don’t need to stay in the marriage; what you need is a solution that allows you to leave your marriage without losing the things you like (house, kids school, etc). Another option is that he leaves, one of the kids shares the master bedroom with you and you get a lodger (female might be best) to make up the expenses. Any chance of that? Being trapped with someone that you don’t like who doesn’t like you is… soul rot. It’s very difficult to live like that for too long and stay happy.

I think some people here are making massive assumptions about OP's life based on a handful of posts.

OP has clearly indicated that she's going to go back to counselling, which will be really helpful in working through her issues in depth and with a trained professional. Far more helpful than armchair therapy on MN.

Why do you think you are not worth a better more loving relationship OP? You are settling for so little there must be a reason.

What a miserable existence.

Wonder whether he drinks because he is trapped in a marriage with someone who not only doesn’t love him but actually dislikes him. That would eat away at anyone.

I must admit I didn’t think women were getting married because they wanted a wedding anymore. That just seems so dated, and a disaster waiting to happen (which it unfortunately was).

You have two choices really, live like housemates/parents or separate. If you’re not sleeping together can you have an honest talk with him about how you both go forward with this situation, so neither of you feel miserable. Basically remove relationship expectations from the equation (but keeping parental expectations).

Yes, his drinking could be because he is miserable too.

WTF 😳 well you rip what you sow. Joyless fake marriage or get divorce pronto. The kids will be dammed if you do now or later. They will always find a way of blaming you either way.