Can you co-exist long term with a husband you dislike

[PennyBilly]

Will try and keep this short but basically I cannot stand my husband. We've not been married long but together over 20 years. I knew I didn't love him when I married him but I always wanted a wedding plus we have children and a house together. It made sense.

But it's getting really difficult to even pretend I want to be with him. He bores me senseless talking about work all the time. Acts like he's the only one that works hard and therefore deserves a rest at the weekend. But I don't get any such treat! He drinks excessively and as soon as he starts slurring, I feel physically sick and can't be in his presence.

I know I'm not going to leave him. I love my house and my neighbours and the kids are happy. I wouldn't be able to afford anything without him. I guess my question is, is it possible to co-exist long-term with someone you mostly dislike. We do have some fun times but ultimately the bad does outweigh the good.

I guess my question is, is it possible to co-exist long-term with someone you mostly dislike.

No. But you've already said you're not going to leave him. So what are the other options?

You feel sorry for the drunk???

I’m with you OP I’d feel sick as soon as he started slurring his words too and wouldn’t want him anywhere near me.

Honestly this doesn't even shock me. I have friends who have done the same.

I also have a friend who admitted that she got pregnant with her partner (who she couldn't stand) just because she "wanted a baby".

Some people are so consumed with wanting what other people have (i.e. the perfect social media lives) they don't even stop to think that these are real people whose lives are being affected.

That's obviously not the only reason but it was up there, yes. I know that sounds awful.

And if he meets someone who likes him, and decides to act on that….?

It really sounds like you’d both be better off separating.

Lots of people do, I think happiness in marriage is on a scale, not just some who are completely happy and some who are completely not. So people put up with varying degrees of unhappiness. How happy you are is also not a fixed thing, it changes over time.

You don't seem to want to change your situation now, you sound anxious and depressed. If you were to do something about how you feel in yourself, you might find that you feel that there is a natural desire to change your situation.

You might still feel you don't want to change anything, it's your decision to make. But I would start by doing some counselling and unpick whether you feel the way you do because of your husband, or whether your feelings about your husband are because of the way you feel in yourself.

Then you can decide whether to do something about it from a better position in your own head.

Best of luck.

And what did you think when you were saying your vows to him in front of your family and friends?

When or what made you realise you don’t like him?

Yes you can carry on as you are but why would you , yes you like your house and neighbours etc but it will be a lot harder to start again on your own when you are 50+ and do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life living with someone who you only tolerate. Personally I’d rather be alone than in an unhappy marriage at least you only have yourself / children to consider .

He sounds like a twat OP and you’d probably be much better off out of the relationship.
If you are not going to leave him then create as much of a life for yourself outside of the relationship as you can and spend as little time with him as possible. Can you sleep separately?

I don't think it helps that I grew up around my parents who were clearly very unhappy. My mum is now remarried and seemingly just as unhappy so maybe to me that's become the norm. My husband's parents have been married for nearly 50 years and don't seem particularly happy either!

But I have just thought back to weekend we had away recently. In the car journey all he talked about was work and I genuinely thought to myself that I can't do this all weekend. It's not that I'm not interested in his work but he tells me the same story over and over again. Anyway as it happens, we had a brilliant weekend. We talked and laughed like we hadn't in years. So perhaps it's the environment I'm in right now that is making me feel trapped and not him personally.

I think you're right that I need to restart some counselling and try and unpick this from the beginning.

I genuinely don't think I'd care. He'd be doing me a favour and it wouldn't be me to blame.

It’s better to walk alone than ill-accompanied. Maybe he is unhappy too, and that is why he drinks?

He's always been a drinker but it has got worse over the last few years. Wouldn't surprise me if he was thinking exactly the same.

You say he drinks excessively. How would you feel if he had a heart attack or a stroke and you end up having to care for him? Your kids will leave eventually. You don’t like him and you say he doesn’t like you much, do you really want to trade your independence and peace of mind for a lifetime of misery. You might be better off getting out now.

You were smart to get married so you’d have a share of the home. But i would agree to separate as a couple and just coparents who live together

Why don’t you ask him?

Yes, the counselling would really help. I also grew up in an odd/unhappy dynamic and it's hard to reframe your thinking, but it absolutely can be done.

Hear my story and don't do what I did.

I married for different reasons but I knew from the start I didn't like my husband.

Eventually I cheated. I met a man who I liked and admired, and who liked and admired me, and wasn't all the things my husband was.

And of course I felt so bad about it that I let my husband find out. And rather than leave him I now felt I had to make an effort to "save" my marriage. So I lost another two years of my precious precious life to him.

Eventually I left. And OMG, it was and still is fabulous! Yes my lifestyle had to change, but the good outweighed the bad by 1000%. I'm with a man I like and love and have great fun with and enjoy the company of. It's amazing!

No, having to care for him would be a complete nightmare - for both of us! I have contacted my old therapist to see if they have availability to start up sessions again.

Also, I have a higher share in the house than he does.

I'm glad it worked out for you in the end. Did you have children involved?

I'm guessing she wouldn't care. In fact, that is probably her preference.

The age you are now is ripe for perimenopause to start kicking in. It can leave you feeling a bit like this towards your other half! When you’re in a down patch it can be hard to think realistically about how long you’ve felt that way. You tend to exaggerate how long you’ve been unhappy. Try and think truly if that’s the case for you or if it might be hormonal. Don’t blow your life before checking it out is all I’m suggesting

I thought at first you were being honest but actually you sound really confused. And as if you are so focused on your unhappiness that you struggle to see who you are with.

You still sound depressed. Have you tried medication, even for a few months? Depression is like a malign force wanting you to blow your life up. Treat it before making any big decisions. Having said that, if you are on ADs they can kill your sex drive and flatten your mood.

Have you stopped going to therapy? Can I suggest you go back?

Do you ever feel any sexual awareness of any type? Did you used to? Have you ever thought you might actually love women?