Can you co-exist long term with a husband you dislike

[PennyBilly]

Will try and keep this short but basically I cannot stand my husband. We've not been married long but together over 20 years. I knew I didn't love him when I married him but I always wanted a wedding plus we have children and a house together. It made sense.

But it's getting really difficult to even pretend I want to be with him. He bores me senseless talking about work all the time. Acts like he's the only one that works hard and therefore deserves a rest at the weekend. But I don't get any such treat! He drinks excessively and as soon as he starts slurring, I feel physically sick and can't be in his presence.

I know I'm not going to leave him. I love my house and my neighbours and the kids are happy. I wouldn't be able to afford anything without him. I guess my question is, is it possible to co-exist long-term with someone you mostly dislike. We do have some fun times but ultimately the bad does outweigh the good.

I had thought about perimenopause but have also read lots of threads on here of people being accused of using it as an excuse so didn't want to drop that in there. Maybe it's something I need to look into further.

I've never been overly sexual but it's definitely got worse recently. I have been taking AD medication since my second child was born.

I stopped going to therapy when I thought I was "cured" but I think there's more to be done. What I don't want to do is get referred to someone else and have to start from the bottom. It took a long time to unpick a lot of information before and work out that I had a lot of hidden trauma that I hadn't been conscious of.

This is utterly miserable for all involved. Surely the house and neighbours aren’t enough to make up for this?!

As for the kids, children aren’t silly they’ll know you can’t stand each other.

What did I just read?! You sound absolutely awful

Poor guy!

Yes.
For a bloody wedding.
At least if the reason was millions of pounds and not working, then I might just start to understand. 😆

To be fair if my husband hated me and said he'd only married me because he wanted a wedding then I'd probably be coping by drinking too.

Right. Yes I think you need to go back to the same therapist if at all possible. But if you have to restart with someone else, you’re not starting from the same place - you had the experience of opening up and (presumably?) the world didn’t end - so you might find it possible to do it again with less difficulty.

Im not here to keep you trapped in your marriage. But your thinking really doesn’t sound very clear yet. Why do you think the weekend ended up being ‘brilliant’? What changed?

They have children and a house together so I’m sure it wasn’t only about wanting a wedding. And he was already drinking.

He drinks too much and thinks he’s the only one entitled to a rest at the weekend.

For all those saying poor guy perhaps you’d like to take him on… I know I wouldn’t.

You do have options, you're just choosing this option. Yes you can stay but what a miserable bloody life. Frankly, no house or nice neighbours would be enough for me to stay with a man I can't stand. And it's awful for your poor children to grow up with parents that don't like each other.

No one needs to be married to him, that's the point!

That’s for OP to decide isn’t it seeing as she’s currently married to him.

What you did is disgusting, frankly. And you're a fool if you think your kids won't be affected by it. Get a divorce and start living honestly, FFS.

Literally the only issues the OP has given with her husband are that he bores her talking about work and he drinks too much!

I was with an alcoholic for many years and no, it's not brilliant. In fact it's bloody awful. But from experience, I know that if someone is drinking to excess then generally they're unhappy. And he needs help as well as the OP.

It's not about "taking anyone on" 🙄

Fucking hell

Yeah, she can keep him in the dark and stay married to him for her selfish reasons despite hating him. I'm not sure what your point is?

Talk about being used, fuck that.
All this because you always wanted a wedding, what a joke.

A marriage is not about a pretty dress and a fancy dinner, or a dream you had as a child.

You dont like him dont want him dont love him dont want sex with him, so he's just a personal ATM machine for you, and someone to pick atand run down online to others , what a bully you are.
You sound like my ex.
Fucking disgusting.

Is he an alcoholic? You could end up a carer to this man you don’t like, let alone love.

I find it amusing that people talk to others like this and still have the nerve to call them disgusting.

Can you believe that people aren’t divided into bad and good and actually we all have complicated minds/upbringings/life experiences that shape all that we do! Shocker I know.

Now PP, please type a few of the worst things you’ve ever done and let us all tell you how much of a bad person you are. There will be plenty of course - you are human after all

When did you last have a GP review of your antidepressants?

I agree with PP that you need to either leave or get him out. I stayed with useless dickhead gambling addict ex for 20 years and by the end I was at my wit's end. Get rid and be happy.

It sounds like your perception of marriage was that it is an unhappy relationship with two people who don’t get on so, subconsciously, you’ve replicated that in your own life. So many people repeat history, but now you see that you need to break the cycle.

Id have thought this was about the depression, but I’d bet that you feel depressed and anxious because your body is telling you that you’re in the wrong place. You are far too young to be this unhappy.

as others have said. it’s cruel to marry someone you don’t love, and crueler still to waste even more if his life when you don’t love him. As much as you hate him, he deserves to be with someone who likes him.

That poster is only talking about what she did, not what she is like as a person?

I could not and did not. Once basic ‘liking’ has gone , absolutely no way could I live like that. I would have done anything to get out of it

Did you sign anything to ringfence your higher share of the house?

You only get one crack at the whip in life. Why on earth waste your life away, married to a man you don't even like, let alone love? I'd bet my bottom dollar, that he's as miserable in the relationship, as you are, and that's why he drinks.

You need to seek some therapy, and talk through your feelings. It may give you some understanding and clarity.

It's not fair on either of you, to be plodding along in a miserable marriage.

You need to speak to him honestly - you might not like him very much, but you will always be connected to you through the children. Couples counselling may help, even if it is just to get to the point that you co-parent in peace.

Time to be honest and try and figure out what to do, I am sure he wouldn’t want to carry on with someone who doesn't love him.