Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

I have been abused myself and I’m worried I am putting my own distrust of people onto this and over reacting?

The advice is, to speak to your friend but don't make it about worrying for yourself or your children. Speak to her from a place of caring for her and what she says and does will determine how you proceed

What people would do would very likely depend on how they found out.

for me the way I found out would give an idea to how much of a secret it actually is, because there’s a big difference between a secret and not sharing with new ish friends.

Unless you went digging for info on her it’s difficult to see how you can be 100% sure that they are her biological children and they currently live with their father.

If it’s that someone has told you, particularly if it’s in the hope of doing her damage, then you should kindly give her a heads up but absolutely not take the shit stirrers word as gospel.

None of your business, 🤷‍♀️

Nobody can tell you whether you’re interacting because you haven’t provided enough information and you’ve chosen not to.

You’re entitled to do that of course, but you can’t then be peeved because people won’t advise you. I’m ducking out now because this is pointless. Good luck to you and to your friend.

Ah ok I understand. No one was involved, no one was stirring or purposely looking for anything. I really don’t want to out anything or myself. I typed her name into FB to get onto her profile one day and another profile turned up with a whole different life on and two others kids which are hers.

Anyone could find it. There is lots of public info on their which tells where the kids are etc and she isn’t seeing them. This is around 8 years ago.

And yet you said upthread

"How I found out would be extremely outing"

How is using the FB search function extremely outing?

@SwanRivers its a sensitive situation, I didn’t want to air too much. Just wanted some advice and others perspectives on whether I’m over reacting. Lots of responses, it’s a complex situation.

So she's left a fully open account on facebook that makes it 100% clear that she has children that she doesn't see? A fully open account that pops up alongside her current account when you type her name into facebook and is clearly her. Her page that gives you full info about the fact she has kids that she doesn't see? That info is all on her page? If that were the case, then if she were a close friend of mine I would say, "I might well have got the wrong end of the stick, but when I put your name into facebook, this came up, and I'm a bit confused. Obviously, however, if it's something you don't want to talk about, I totally get it. I can't deny I'm curious, but equally I respect your right to privacy and it's not something I've mentioned to anyone else apart from mumsnet "

Different middle names but you spot on really. It is very sad as they look happy.

I don't think you should look at that page again. You are creating stories in your imagination (that's natural, not a criticism). If it really is open on facebook, you address this discovery honestly and kindly with your friend. You give her the benefit of the doubt, you let her decide what she wants to do with the information and then you decide what you want to do in light of her response. You stop creating stories and you give her the benefit of the doubt. Then you can decide what works best for you.

I think you are right. It was a bit of a shock, this person isn’t who I thought they were, which is a bit scary. I’ve always been open and honest in all my relationships, even when it’s been hard. It has affected my trust which is sad and yeah I’ve thought all sort of scenarios. We’ve sat and talked at length many times, even with alcohol and never mentioned anything.

How do you know for sure that those kids are biologically hers? Maybe they are her ex’s and she was stepmother? Maybe they are fostered or adopted?

Did she post on her old account that they live with their Dad and she doesn't see them? That's the part I don't understand. How do you have the extra info based off an old facebook account of photos of her with her older children?

But I agree with PP, just raise it with her nicely. You were trying to find her account and the old one popped up, it's not as if you were snooping. She may be grateful that you've pointed out anyone can find it given it's from 8 years ago.

There is a lot of public posts with lots of information on show. I can assure you there is no doubt. Lots of personal information on public. There seems to have been at the end lots of bad things happening in the relationship. I also do not understand any of it to be honest. It’s all very odd.

Ah OK. I do know some people who post every single private thing on Facebook, don't understand it myself. Especially when you're putting your children's personal lives out there for them to read when they're older. They'll be mortified

She perhaps doesn't realise that people from her 'new life' will find it though if she's tried to change her middle name. So you could broach it for that reason and see what she says.

My friend had custody of her brothers kids for several years and called them her own during thst time.
They looked like her as well so no-one would have thought otherwise. The brother was in prison.
Eventually his ex/ the kids’ mum got clean and got it together and got the kids back.
How do you know it isn’t something like that?

I can assure you it’s not. If you could see you’d know. It’s very clear cut given the posts, announcements etc. It is obviously something complex.

Not your business.
Not your business.
Not your business.
Not your business.

Honestly OP in the same way you found out something on a public forum about this friend, she may well be on MN and see this thread.
And you will be the one who gets the boot.
Deservedly, IMO.

exactly, can’t believe people falling all over themselves to minimise this as it’s a woman .

It’s chilling if nothing else to disregard the existence of your other kids.

Personally, I don’t associate with deadbeat fathers and the same applies to mothers. If you don’t look after your child at all and they are with your parent/the other parent this usually means you were either abusive or just plain neglectful which is a form of abuse too.

Very few things would explain this in a way that made this okay but there of course always exceptions. I’d want to know more.

OP definitely ask her about this instead of worrying about it. If you don’t like her answer then you can move on or at least adjust the friendship to make sure she’s not looking after your child.

You seem over involved, do you not have other things to worry about?

Why are you obsessed with policing her honesty? Has she done anything in your friendship negative to YOU? Or are you planning on being a couple and adopting a baby together?

There's "nowt so queer as folk".

Most people have some sort of skeletons in their closet, I'm sure if you did digging they'd all have abusive relatives or things they wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing. Look at the Royal Family!

If there were a lot of negative facts about the situation she may not want these "out there". Telling a friend means she can't control this and that makes her vulnerable.

If you're cautious about your children and their safety then keep their lives more private and reduce socialising and babysitters in general, as you can't control other people.

If you feel uncomfortable with your friend reduce contact or drift away or make it lighter. Group friendship or only meet outside the home

It's odd and controlling to keep spying on her and analysing and insisting she does some sort of "confession" to you. It's like you want to punish her for something that is nothing to do with you.