Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

"How I found out would be extremely outing and it’s irrelevant."

What's outing about searching for her FB profile? I do it all the time as a shortcut to some of my family or groups. I don't understand why you made such a big deal out of how you found out.

I'm also embarrassed to say that after you ignored the question the first time I kept reading just to find out why. But I'm weirdly inquisitive that way. 🙄

"Most people have some sort of skeletons in their closet, I'm sure if you did digging they'd all have abusive relatives or things they wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing. Look at the Royal Family!"

No the greatest example considering that family were closing ranks to protect a family member abusing his position to exploit vulnerable young women. It's actually a stronger argument for wanting to know the reasons why the first children have been hushed up.

Why? I only asked a question. I have made no accusations at all. I’ve simply asked how to approach the situation if people were in my shoes that’s all. People have given situations of why my friend could have no contact. No one knows. But having this situation has made me question leaving my own children because they are all that matters. What happens if one of those scenarios are true. No one on here has the answer to the reason. But I appreciate those who answered the question and gave me ideas of how to go about it. I wish I never came across the FB page now.

It’s none of my business obviously. But then in my shoes I’m sure some other posters would have some concern. Like others have said is this was a man it would not sound very good at all.

I can’t see a situation where I wouldn’t even keep trying to see them. Even if leaving to get myself well then going back. Even after years. How could you go on and have more, not have any photos in your home or any reminders at all. There must be a massive mental block.

I agree. This is going to play on your mind forever now unless you get some straight answers. Best to be honest, tell her you saw the page by accident which is true, and ask her. There might be a very good reason. Or can you ask amongst your friends? Either way I would be wary to leave the children with her until you know. People have lives we only see the very tip of, like an iceberg. She may be fighting through the courts to see them, but one thing for sure she’s not ashamed or they wouldn’t be on social media. She may be very upset inside, maybe relieved you know x

The thing is then trusting to answer. People lie, ask my ex husband. I wish I never looked.

Do you normally ruminate on things this much?
Just pull back on the friendship as much as you’re comfortable with and chalk it up to experience.
I don’t think you need to keep going over it.
Either ask her, or don’t. She may tell you, she may not. You might like the answer, you might not.
What else is there?
She has babysat your kids. As long as you don’t get her to do this again, this doesn’t affect you.
She has custody of kids currently. She hasn’t tried to hide her past, she just hasn’t told you about it. So how bad can it be?
Theres no point speculating and making assumptions. You don’t know she hasn’t told anyone else or that other people don’t know. Maybe they do and haven’t said anything.
At this point it’s like you want people on here to try guess what’s going on but we have no clue.

It’s not Pandora’s box you’ve opened. It was a Facebook page.

Sorry, I’ve been abused. I do tend to over think because of this. It’s like I know there is part of the world that is really bad.

@99flake99 so you did a search to find her on facebook, which is a normal thing to do. 2 accounts popped up with her on them, which is not uncommon and you looked at them, that is how you approach her about this issue.

Give her the heads up so that she can set all the information on her older account to private. Let her know that you will keep her old life to yourself and that you respect her privacy.

Have you had therapy? It might help you to learn how to keep things in perspective.

Due to how you found out I have changed my mind.

The information is easily out there and she needs to know. I would gently tell her so she can delete the page, and see what she says.

If it’s causing you anxiety, I can understand going over it in your head. I do that. But you don’t have any control over this situation (other than either talk to your friend and/ or change the boundaries of the relationship). Nothing bad has happened. Sometimes the best thing is to just try to move on.

I don't think the OP needs therapy over this. She has not lost perspective, it is a really odd situation with a friend that most people would ruminate on how to respond. Don't gaslight the OP that this is completely run of the mill - it isn't.

OP - the information is publicly available on line so it is entirely reasonable to raise it with your friend. You are right to be wary until you know the circumstances.

Oh dear. Please ignore this, @99flake99 . You have perspective. Your concerns are valid.

It is odd. But there’s obviously some kind of explanation. None of us knows it. The friend does. So ask her, or don’t. What’s the point in going over and over it in her head or on here?
I suggested therapy because OP said she was abused and it makes her aware that very bad things happen in the world. That’s not a healthy response. She’s jumping to the worst conclusions (catastrophising) without finding out the facts and spending time worrying about things that may be true or she might have completely come up with them herself (like the woman might be some sort of danger to her own kids). Therapy such as CBT can absolutely help people to manage these kind of thought patterns.
It is a legitimate suggestion. How is that “gaslighting”?

I think this is the best course of action. She might not realise that Facebook friends can access that account. She can then change the settings/delete as she wishes.

You found it by accident, after all, it isn’t as if you snooped on her.

She is hiding it for a reason. That reason is none of your business. You can terminate the friendship but I wouldn't suggest you stirring the shit with a stick.

“Sorry, I’ve been abused. I do tend to over think because of this. It’s like I know there is part of the world that is really bad.”

I suggested therapy in response to this comment from the OP.

Realistic thoughts don't need help to be managed. You misunderstood what CBT is.

I’m with you, but I think it’s all a bit much for a person who’s a friend, not a partner you’re sharing your life with. Ultimately, it is her business only. It’s as simple as raising it gently or winding down contact if you’re not comfortable.

Starting a mumsnet thread asking for advice is a perfectly appropriate and proportionate response to finding out this information. There's nothing to suggest that the OP "needs therapy" and the extra information that she is an abuse survivor does not change that.

Thing is op, if there is any worrying backstory, its unlikely she'd tell you the truth anyway isnt it? I think you'll always be wondering if shes going to abuse your DC/kidnap them/sell them/leave them with a murderer if shes babysitting/whatever other things youre imagining might happen. And you'll be analysing every little interaction that could back up, or not, her story.

You'll have gained nothing and your nosiness will continue to eat you up.

@99flake99
I'm guessing that this is not a 'friend' friend but rather someone you have recently met and hit it off with maybe?
Whatever her backstory may be she's not for you is she?

In amongst your further predictable stab at putting the boot in, you have inadvertently made a valid point there.

OP will need to make a decision about how to keep her children safe, and even if she asks her friend, she can necessarily rely on the information she's given.