Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

Maybe it's too painful?

You're not her friend.

You don’t know her as well as you thought you did. Going forward, don’t let her mind your kids.
She clearly doesn’t want to tell you so I wouldn’t bother asking. You don’t really need to know. There’s no answer that is really going to change anything. Whatever she says she might be lying.
If she’s kept this from you, she’s capable of covering up the real reason. Is the relationship important enough to you that you’re willing to take that risk by giving her the benefit of the doubt?

How do YOU know about them - you said earlier it’s easy to see?

Just because you don't know about these children doesn't mean that others don't. Maybe you just aren't as close as you think.

If there were sinister reasons then she wouldn't have been able to keep her subsequent children so that at least should be reassuring. If you feel uncomfortable then don't ask her to look after your children, you can step away from the friendship too if that's how you feel.

I don't think it is at all appropriate to start questioning her and trying to find out more, that is just plain nosiness.

Come on, admit it is plain nosiness wrapped up in faux concern.
Her older children have obviously not been removed from her due to safety concerns or her younger children would have been removed from her at birth

MYOB

You're not close friends if she hasn't mentioned this to you before (I think disclosure is a bit of a grand word). It's up to you if you don't mind her being around or looking after your children - only you can make that decision - and it sounds like she currently has custody of the children you know about, she arguably she is less of a risk than you might be assuming. And I think there is a lot of assuming going on, on this thread - which is natural I suppose in the absence of any detailed information.

Like others, I don't know how you found out and I think it very much DOES matter how you found out, because idle gossip versus legal information is worlds apart. I wonder if you are not 'disclosing' how you found out as it might not paint you in the best light. There is lots of reasons why one parent is given custody of the children and not the other, and it's not always nefarious. I also think that if you don't mention that you know and how you know to her... then you don't really have a leg to stand on in terms of feeling aggrieved that she has kept things from you, as you'd be doing the same.

I couldn't be friends with any parent who has no contact with their children tbh. Man or woman

OP is not going to disclose how she found out and nor should she.

The irony of posters accusing OP of being nosey and then insisting they couldn't possibly offer an opinion unless OP explains how she found out 😆

What if it’s at the request of the children? The reason for no contact is because they don’t want it?

Really? Not all parents are wonderful, not all children either. Relationships break down.

I'd feel uncomfortable that the children have a valid reason..

I know

Fuck me a shining example of people being up their own arses

Alienation by the other parent? No truth to any of the claims?

Would that still be valid? These things happen. And those innocent get caught up as much as the guilty.

As for her, look at it like this. She meets you, doesn’t know you from Adam, doesn’t know if you will even become friends. Talking at the school gates - you ask her how many kids she has. She makes a split second decision about whether to tell you, a stranger, about her 2 kids she doesn’t see. Not surprisingly, she chooses to only say the ones she has living with her. 2 years on and you’re now established friends. How exactly do you expect her to suddenly tell you that actually she has 2 more children she’s never mentioned? What about if her younger children don’t know? And risks that information getting back to them from someone else if she tells other people.

@Tillow4ever you make a good point.

I used to work with a woman who had left her husband for another man, and left her children (both under 5). Her husband got full custody, and even now, 6 or 7 years later, she still doesn't see them, and tells people she doesn't have children. I think it's her way of coping with the situation. Maybe this is a similar thing?

Some of the responses on here are very odd and OP I don't blame you for feeling spooked and apprehensive going forwards. Yes it could have been an abusive relationship or some sort of other traumatic situation, but, it could equally be that she wasn't deemed to be safe around them and you need to know this.

Not quite the same but on the idea of 'why should she tell you it's none of your business' I found out a (now ex) friend's husband was convicted of accessing child abuse images - no idea how he didn't get a custodial sentence and his kids were able to live with him but that was the reality. She too didn't think it was my business/relevant to tell me but that wasn't her call to make and without the full knowledge of past history, I may not have been able to keep my children safe - thankfully nothing happened to them but I'll never forgive her for putting me/them in that position. Still to this day she'll tell anyone who listens what a shit, unsupportive and judgmental friend I am and is convinced I had no right to know. Of course your friend may have done nothing wrong, but now you have that element of doubt you need to act on it IMO. Tell her you heard/read about her other children and leave her to talk - I'm guessing you'll get a feel for what it's about if not the full story.

I didn't have any contact with my dad for 10 years because of decisions made by someone else that he was unable to challenge. And some nonentity on Mumsnet would imperiously hold him responsible for that. Absolutely mental.

I love how people say need to say how incredibly odd it is as a precursor to encouraging the nosiness 😆

WHAT! That is shocking. How could she think you were in the wrong?! And how could she stay with him, especially with her children. So glad you found out.

Unkind. Yes she should be interested if they are friends and see each other with their children. Why are you being so defensive of the friend?

It is a very strange world out there. Nothing is ever so black and white.

No wonder women everywhere stay in relationships they should leave. Risking the condemnation of the services meant to support them, the courts and randoms on the net.

Sure this woman could be a child killing drug using criminal mastermind but she could just as easily be someone who fought the good fight and lost.

My friend doesn’t see her child, for reasons I won’t disclose. All I’ll say is that things aren’t always as black and white as you might first think and I don’t look down on her.