Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

I went to school with someone who became a WAG. Magazine spreads featuring her children. Lots of clothing deals, social media posts etc. She never ever mentions the fact that she has two children with her first husband…whom she also never sees. It’s discussed sometimes in our friendship group, but none of us are really bothered about it. We don’t see her either though, but even if we did, we probably wouldn’t bring it up as clearly it’s not something she wishes to discuss.

Sorry, a parent who chooses not to....

Choose not to what….

break court orders?

listen to what her children are saying?

continue fighting after years of never being heard by anyone who had the power to change the situation when she couldn’t?

Walk a mile in those shoes and then say it’s a choice.

Why......?
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who chooses to go NC with their DC.

Absolutely not, that's not a choice and I would never say it was

The result is still the same. No contact. And that you condemn.

If that's how my post came across then I wholeheartedly apologise. I'm talking about the dads/mums who just decide to leave their children in favour of another relationship and don't even try to maintain any contact. Again, sorry for any offence caused.

You’re utterly naive if you believe that.

My partner and his three siblings were all removed from their parents one one was adopted at birth, and one was so badly abused they sustained disabilities as a result.

She moved out of the area, away from social services’ radar, and went on to have three more children, all of whom stayed with her, and all of whom were brought up to believe that she was wronged. She wasn’t.

But even if the woman in question hasn’t had her children removed, no decent parent walks away from children to create more.

Nobody bends over backwards to make excuses for the thousands of men who do just that do they?

But hey she’s a woman so her reasons are her own.

And no. Domestic violence isn’t a valid reason to abandon children with the man who abused the mother.

No offense taken at all. I just know first hand that situations like the one described aren’t always so black and white.

I know I would be condemned because in my case not seeing my children was my choice for very solid and valid reasons and was agreed with by my mother and my oldest daughter. But it was still my choice. And I live it with it every day.

You're one to talk. Earlier on another thread you're making sweeping and disparaging comments on an entire group of people.

Why won't you tell us how you found out? @99flake99

My husband was brought up by his dad after his mum legged it with another man.
I'm sure she didn't go round broadcasting it.

As others have said, not your business.

Op, how did you find out?

It’s not clear from your post if you left your children with her/her husband.

Sorry I didn’t mean for this to be a thread about morals, hers or mine. I have absolutely no idea whether my friend was the victim or not, I’ve no idea about her past whatsoever, only what she’s told me. My ex partner who was abusive blames me so I am incredibly wary of what people say as this doesn’t mean it’s true. It could be for numerous reasons. I just wanted some advice about going forward. I can’t help but feel differently now. My empathy has got me in trouble in the past,
with my ex. I’d like to believe that she has been wronged very badly but that’s what I hope to be true. But I know from experience people can do bad things and fool people.

That is all well and good op, but how did you find out???

Personally I think it’s hard to advise without understanding how you found out. For example, I would have a different view if you’d found out by looking through her social media (in which case probably she hasn’t kept a secret as such) or by someone else telling you. The method by which you’d found out would indicate whether you could reasonably ask her about what happened.

It is irrelevant. I’m asking whether I am in the wrong or right to approach it given she has not told me herself. My reasons for approaching it are self oriented as has been mentioned. It could be nothing it could be something. I am a very supportive person in RL. I’ve attended the freedom programme myself so understand a lot about abusive men.

It’s really not irrelevant. How you found out gives a clear indication on how secret it is, which obviously is entirely relevant.

Another thing to ask yourself is how old are the children and how old is your friend? Is there a very obvious reason for the decision?
I know of someone who doesn’t openly talk about their child that they gave up for adoption. The child was adopted by a member of the father’s family and now lives with the father. The friend who put them up for adoption was 13 when they were born. The father was 18. She doesn’t talk about it because she can’t mention their name without crying. She also has to find a way to explain it to her much younger children at some point. She wanted the children adopted outwith her and his families, but his family fought and one. Anyone judging someone in that kind of situation would be an arsehole.

As I explained, it would affect the advice id give so it’s not irrelevant. Others may feel differently. Your evasiveness is quite suspicious though, and makes me wonder whether you actually want advice or for people to agree that she’s somehow done something wrong. She may have, but none of us have enough information to say for sure.

I want to know whether it’s right to approach someone with information that they haven’t given you, but information that is really really complex and emotional. My instinct is to pull away but I don’t won’t to be a bitch and pull away from someone who really needs a friend. They don’t really know people in this city, no family etc.

Absolutely. Always the loudest and most certain opinions that come from a place of sheer ignorance and naivety.

People still blindly believe in appeal to authority and continue believing arriving things they’ve heard elsewhere but have no knowledge of

…if this case is even related to child protection at all.

I think you should just be honest and tell her you are really really nosey and love a bit of drama so you're dying to know what happened with her DC.

At least then she can make an imformed decision on whether youre the type of person she wants to be acquainted with.

And again, my answer depends on how you found out that information. It might still be ok to approach her in either circumstance but without the background no-one can really give a full answer. You might reflect on the fact that you are reluctant to discuss non-personal information on an anonymous board, yet are surprised and upset that she has chosen not to tell you very personal information.

How I found out would be extremely outing and it’s irrelevant. I’m ok with people calling me nosy etc. It doesn’t change anything. I’m not upset at all at not being told this information as no one knows. But it’s irrelevant again because I have this information. I’m telling the facts and asking for advice. The facts are no one knows, I have found out, what would people do in this situation. If I wanted to gossip I’d talk to real people in my life in this circle. I don’t benefit talking on here.