Happy marriage but questioning lifelong monogamy: talk to husband or not?

[Isthisacrisis]

I'm a long term poster but changed username. I have used chat gpt to help me arrange my thoughts but this is very real.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and I’m now in my mid-30s. We have children together and, honestly, our life looks pretty perfect from the outside – and in many ways it actually is. He’s a wonderful husband and father. We have a good sex life, we make time for each other, and we also have our own hobbies and independence. There isn’t some big relationship problem sitting underneath this.

But over the past couple of years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly strange about the idea that he will likely be the only person I ever have sex with for my entire adult life. I’ve never really experienced anything else. It’s not that I’m unhappy with him or looking to replace him – far from it – but I sometimes feel curious about whether the expectation of lifelong monogamy is something that actually works for everyone. I (like many people) sometimes feel attracted to others and I get a kick out of knowing they're attracted to me.

For context, I grew up in quite a chaotic home with a lot of trauma. Looking back, I think a big part of me was searching for safety and stability when I got into my relationship. And I did find that with him. Our life together is secure and loving, which is something I value hugely.

Recently though I’ve found myself questioning some of the assumptions around marriage and monogamy. I’m not sure I believe in “the one”, and I tend to think love is more about deep care, respect, companionship and enjoyment of each other. I’m not convinced those feelings necessarily have to exist with only one person for an entire lifetime.

So part of me wonders whether it’s possible for a couple to be happy, committed partners and parents, but still occasionally have sexual experiences with other people. I know that for some couples that works, but I also know it can go very wrong.

My children’s security and stability is absolutely the most important thing to me, and I would never want to risk damaging our family life. At the same time, I’m wondering whether these thoughts are something I should talk about openly with my husband or whether even raising it could cause hurt or damage that can’t be undone.

I genuinely don’t know how he’d react. He might be completely against the idea, which I would respect, but I worry that even mentioning it could plant a seed or make him feel that what we have isn’t enough.

So I suppose my question is:
Would you talk about these feelings with your partner, or keep them to yourself? And has anyone been in a similar situation where a very happy relationship still came with questions about monogamy?

Please be kind – I’m not looking to blow up my marriage. I’m just trying to understand my own feelings.

I don't think you're sounding worse the more you explain, I think you're actually sounding more and more like this isn't something you're actually interested in, and that its more like a fantasy.

Which is absolutely fine, and normal. Most people fantasise like that sometimes. Even ones with plenty of relationship experience under their belt before they met their partner.

I've been with DP for 20 years, and I love the bones off her. That doesn't mean I don't look fondly back at the early days of dating, of my heart racing because I'm about to kiss someone new, or because someone is flirting with me. That stuff is a lot of fun, and it's an experience you can't really replicate when you've been with someone forever.

And it sounds like thats really all you're after. There's not a person you're pining after, its the experience you want. And I think you think you're alone in that because you've only been with your partner. You're not, its something a lot of us feel.

The problem is, there's no way of getting that experience again without being single. Even if your partner were to say "Go for it, flirt with someone, kiss them, shag them and I'll be absolutely happy for you and will still be here afterwards" it wouldn't be the same. The sheer fact that you're in a loving committed relationship with your partner would fundamentally change the experience. It might still be fun, but it wouldn't scratch that particular itch you're feeling.

So the option are to leave and scratch the itch, or don't. I don't think you want to scratch it that badly, do you?

Be careful what you wish for, once you mention it to your DH it can't be undone, do you want to jeopardise what you have, a happy marriage for a fantasy?

It's more like an in-the-moment, meeting a stranger thing, like I don't really care who they are or want to get to know them properly but I feel myself wanting to say yes to a drink, yes to a dance etc and just forget about them the next day (of course I realise this isn't how it actually works). Obviously I haven't and I'm not saying I actually want to do it (because I don't want to cause pain and hurt), but that I feel very conflicted in the moment with temptation and it's confusing, whereas previously a man would barely register on my radar.

I know you more than likely won't read this. But probably most people feel this way. It isn't unique to you. How you deal with this is up to you. I have never chosen to blow up my similarly long marriage for this though. Most wouldn't.

If your DH was also young when you got together it's highly probable he feels the same or will do as middle age creeps up.

Have you ever wondered if he feels the same and do you think he would act on it?

OP, I think some of these thoughts and feelings might be worth discussing with a therapist. You say you grew up in a chaotic home with trauma, and you broke the cycle by providing a stable family life for your children. It can be a huge responsibility to be the one who broke that cycle, and as someone else said, self-sabotage is common with certain attachment styles.

I've been married for over a decade and a couple of times I developed a crush. Within a couple of days, it passed. The feelings are intense, it comes with having a crush, but I'd choose the stability I have built myself with my husband 100 times over anxiety butterflies

Having done the non-monogamy thing once, I'll say be cautious about a lot of the narratives that come from polyamory, particularly, "One person cannot meet all your needs!" This is particularly infantile. As mature adults, of course we know this. If we have other needs, it's up to us to work on them, or deal with not having that need met, the world won't stop spinning on its axis if you don't go to bed with someone you fancy. To quote Carmela Soprano, getting what you want all the time is for babies, not adults.

Welcome to mid-life OP.
You are at the age when a lot of people start to feel restless and vaguely (but sometimes profoundly) dissatisfied and to question their life choices.
You start to realise that you only have one life and it’s short. There are lots of things you may never get to experience either again or at all. That’s just how it is.
It sounds harsh but it gets easier with time and acceptance.
Don’t judge your life from how it looks on the outside, focus on how you feel and what you can do to feel better.
My advice would be, don’t blow your relationship up over this, you will regret it. Get counselling, keep a journal, talk to a friend you trust, work through your feelings for at least a while before you go to your husband with this.
Is there any chance you could be depressed? One of the really insidious things about depression is the way it can affect your thoughts and feelings without you having any clue that’s where it’s coming from.
I have been with my dp since we were teenagers too and I have to say, if he came to me and said he wanted to sleep with other people, I would be devastated and things would never be the same. It would almost be better if he actually cheated because I could believe it was a moment of weakness rather than think of him sitting around thinking about it and hurting my feelings by coming and saying it to my face.