Happy marriage but questioning lifelong monogamy: talk to husband or not?

[Isthisacrisis]

I'm a long term poster but changed username. I have used chat gpt to help me arrange my thoughts but this is very real.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and I’m now in my mid-30s. We have children together and, honestly, our life looks pretty perfect from the outside – and in many ways it actually is. He’s a wonderful husband and father. We have a good sex life, we make time for each other, and we also have our own hobbies and independence. There isn’t some big relationship problem sitting underneath this.

But over the past couple of years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly strange about the idea that he will likely be the only person I ever have sex with for my entire adult life. I’ve never really experienced anything else. It’s not that I’m unhappy with him or looking to replace him – far from it – but I sometimes feel curious about whether the expectation of lifelong monogamy is something that actually works for everyone. I (like many people) sometimes feel attracted to others and I get a kick out of knowing they're attracted to me.

For context, I grew up in quite a chaotic home with a lot of trauma. Looking back, I think a big part of me was searching for safety and stability when I got into my relationship. And I did find that with him. Our life together is secure and loving, which is something I value hugely.

Recently though I’ve found myself questioning some of the assumptions around marriage and monogamy. I’m not sure I believe in “the one”, and I tend to think love is more about deep care, respect, companionship and enjoyment of each other. I’m not convinced those feelings necessarily have to exist with only one person for an entire lifetime.

So part of me wonders whether it’s possible for a couple to be happy, committed partners and parents, but still occasionally have sexual experiences with other people. I know that for some couples that works, but I also know it can go very wrong.

My children’s security and stability is absolutely the most important thing to me, and I would never want to risk damaging our family life. At the same time, I’m wondering whether these thoughts are something I should talk about openly with my husband or whether even raising it could cause hurt or damage that can’t be undone.

I genuinely don’t know how he’d react. He might be completely against the idea, which I would respect, but I worry that even mentioning it could plant a seed or make him feel that what we have isn’t enough.

So I suppose my question is:
Would you talk about these feelings with your partner, or keep them to yourself? And has anyone been in a similar situation where a very happy relationship still came with questions about monogamy?

Please be kind – I’m not looking to blow up my marriage. I’m just trying to understand my own feelings.

Op. I think you will find that the grass is not in fact greener. You may well find it’s astroturf and it burns your arse! This is self destructive, has the potential to massively damage your marriage and your children’s lives. I’ve been you, I turned down so much attention from men in my younger years. So what? Most men will pay attention to a lamp post if they think it might shag them! Why do you need validation from men you don’t know?
What you have is a fantasy. Real life will NOT meet your expectations. Stop now.

So you're not in love but you have something much deeper. Maybe you just need to spice things up a little in the bedroom. You're so lucky to have what you do. If you ask him you risk him not trusting you ever again. My ex asked the same. Note that he's the ex as from then I always doubted him even though I don't believe he strayed. The trust had gone and it works it's way like a little worm in your brain. He may also think he's not good enough for you now and you'll ruin everything for a quick fumble which will most likely turn out to be disappointing. If he responds with wanting to open up the relationship forever then he could fall for someone else and you could lose him forever, are you prepared for that?

I’m going to guess there is a particular man you feel like this about?

Maybe go to a swingers club together or something if he's into it? Even if you're just with each other it's a step outside monogomy and could lead to some conversations. Obviously have boundaries in place first etc.

You need to take into account that this poor man has been a decent faithful husband and father - why should he disrupt his life to do something like this in order to deal with his wife's problems?

I said if he's into it. Maybe he hasn't wanted to say anything. I don't see why honesty is a problem.

“Mischance · Today 18:22
We all have fantasies (that is normal) ... and indeed offers/opportunities, but we do not act on them because we know right from wrong and we care about our families.”

This with bells on. I think it’s quite normal to have passing crushes and occasionally deep crushes on other people. The wedding vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if everyone else simply ceased to be attractive when we settle down. For me, the whole point of commitment is not letting passing attraction to others threaten my main relationship. I also don’t think attraction to others is a sign that there’s something missing from your main relationship.

The OP said she doesn’t want to go to swingers parties

THis poor man has done everything right - everything that the "bad" men outlined so often on here do not do - and the OP is planning to disrupt the life he has helped create by indulging her fantasies in a way that could blast the family apart.

Once said it cannot be unsaid....

Buy a new vibeator. Seriously. That and talk to a therapist. Don't say anything to your DH unless and until you want to blow up your marriage. It's not the sort of thing that gets unsaid. Even if he is your 'best friend's. He is still a man, and telling him he's not enough won't end well. If, on the other hand you're genuinely not happy and want out then say that. Life is too short, but don't pretend everything is perfect if that's the case.

I (like many people) sometimes feel attracted to others and I get a kick out of knowing they're attracted to me.

I have always received lots of attention and have turned so many men down, I'm not saying that to sound like I'm bragging but I've had plenty of opportunities

You've mentioned at least twice how attractive you know you are and how you enjoy the attention of other men.

It comes over as you wanting to have sex with other men stems from your need for validation and male admiration.

My steak is too juicy.

My lobster is too buttery.

My purse is too full.

As a now single, childless woman who has always struggled to get financial stability and good personal life, who still doesn't own my own home and can barely rent in my late 30s, I wish so much my life was like yours.

I think you're bored with having a nice life OP. Honestly. Some people just don't enjoy being in that kind of relationship and environment longterm, so beyond a bit of sexual curiosity, that could be you.

Yes - talking about this can create lasting damage and distrust in a relationship, so be prepared before you create a lasting scar or put a bomb under your nice life.

Very few people seem to manage the arrangement you've outlined. Sooner or later, I think you'll develop feelings for someone else beyond sexual ones and will enjoy the thrill of a new romance even if it does go to shit later on. What you should accept, I think, is that everything comes at a cost, even the nice life you have.

Being sexually curious is one thing, but it sounds like a bit more than that. I'd question if you actually romantically love him, as a person, which is different from loving what they provide you.

I don't have a lot of trust or faith in men. But your husband knows you better than anyone, is a good husband and father, makes time for you, still wants to be intimate with you, makes you feel safe and loved. And you want to blow it up for:

Not interested in swingers parties etc. It's more just being able to going along with the flirting or whatever or a night out once in a blue moon.

A bit of flirting and a night out once in a while! Christ. I'm sure he's by no means perfect but tell him what you want - and when it all goes tits up send him my way.

....and when it all goes tits up send him my way.

Excuse me, but I am first in the queue ....

If you must pursue this, save it till the children have left home. Give them what you never had.

Yes. There was something in the previous OP posts that made me wonder this too.

OP, do you have your eye on someone? If so, it's not a bad thing because you haven't acted on it. But it's limerance, and that is NOT real. You'll be blowing up your life for a mirage.

I'm definitely going to look into starting some therapy soon and appreciate it will help with this as well as other things. I know that I need it and this has been a push to finally arrange something.

That's really good news for you, and indirectly your DCs. In the course of this thread you progressed from saying you were ok and didn't have time or money for therapy, to now been open minded to considering it. That is definitely progress.

I think you’re bored and looking for excitement and validation outside your marriage

OP, I am early 30’s, married with 2 DC and feel the same as you.
The love I feel for my husband transcends all space and time, it is a love that I know I will never find in another person, ever.
However, we are both each other’s second and probably last sexual partner since the age of 16/17. This does make me wonder what things would be like with other sexual partners. Or even like you say, just a little flirt, snog, touch up etc on a random Saturday night in town.
I have watched Open House on channel 4 and I would be up for experimenting such relations. However, I don’t think my husband would… or maybe he would and is also scared to open the conversation with me!
I don’t think I ever will have the conversation with him for fear of hurting his feelings.
But if I ever do, I’d have to ease in to it. Maybe suggest watching corn together and open with, “I’d really like to watch you have fun with someone else, even if I’m not there, the thought of you exploring with someone else turns me on. Would you be interested in that?”.
If he wouldn’t do it or tried and didn’t enjoy it, I would never explore it alone.
All this said, the potential for it to ruin what we have really scares me, so likely will never discuss it with him and leave it down to a fantasy.
But, I get you and what you’re thinking is okay. Don’t feel guilty.

Others have alluded to it already, but I strongly suspect that you are not being quite straight with us (and perhaps with yourself) and that there is a specific man who has turned your head. I’m not sure what you want from this thread as I fear that you are heading into an affair and blowing up your marriage no matter what people say.

I've been involved in the swinging scene at various points in my life. There are lots of couples who do make this work and have long, happy marriages.

Reading through and was ready to comment about there being a someone already in mind, but several posters have already said.

OP I think many of us recognise the feelings you have. I have a great marriage but had one enormous crush that lasted for about a year (when kids were young, now teens) which I look back and think thank god I never acted on it. I had plenty of fun in my twenties before settling down and I still occasionally miss that excitement and thrill, but it’s a fantasy.

You can’t have both a stable marriage and extra marital sex, many try but it’s a choice between one or the other. If someone said hot guy or husband, you can’t have both, who would you choose?

I'd say mid-30s to mid-40s was when my hormones ramped up, so that's probably playing a part. You can fantasise about things inside your head without telling anyone else about it, even when you're having sex.

If you feel you might have missed out on things, do you talk about sex at all? You say you have a good sex life, but do you talk about it together? Do you build anticipation over the day? I would start with trying new things with each other. That won't give you the buzz of meeting someone new and flirting with them, though.

I've been swinging- it really doesn't work for everyone and you don't usually get the flirting and so on. People chat, and they might meet up first before sex, but it's usually accepted that that is the end goal (even if it doesn't happen,) so you don't have that will they, won't they buzz, which I think might be what you're missing.

Life is full of what ifs. By choosing to get married, you miss a potential other life where you were shagging your way through your 20s with others - but that doesn't mean the other life would have been better. It would have been different. I think it's probably normal to have a conversation about, "do you ever wonder how life would have been if we hadn't met?" but I wouldn't start with, "do you ever feel like we missed out on sex with other people."

Life will change anyway. The children will grow, you will both get older and probably develop aches and pains. Your relationship will change with it. You have to work out how to navigate it all, and thinking about what it's are part of that. But I woukd look at how to adapt to it rather than give it all up because you're curious.

I think that it's incredibly normal to wonder, and it also most definitely will be exacerbated by hormone changes.

It may work, it does for some. But it seems like a big risk to take. Yes, you could hurt his feelings even by bringing it up. Even if you agreed not to, how that would affect his view of your relationship could vary widely, from him brushing it off as a midlife thing, to it seriously damaging his self esteem and the value pf his place in your relationship.

Also, the risk you take is him (or you) getting attached to someone else, even if that wasn't the plan. He's a person that has chosen a long marriage, so he places value in that connection.

I'd think seriously about therapy, and figuring out whether this is destructive thinking. As many PPs have said, your thoughts aren't unusual in thinking about others, but your desire to risk your marriage is.

Once you've put it out there it can't be unsaid.

No, I don't have have my eye on someone or have met someone. I only mentioned receiving attention in the past to explain how it's not like I've never had any and now I'm suddenly swooning because one person looked in my direction or showed me some attention.
It's more like an in-the-moment, meeting a stranger thing, like I don't really care who they are or want to get to know them properly but I feel myself wanting to say yes to a drink, yes to a dance etc and just forget about them the next day (of course I realise this isn't how it actually works). Obviously I haven't and I'm not saying I actually want to do it (because I don't want to cause pain and hurt), but that I feel very conflicted in the moment with temptation and it's confusing, whereas previously a man would barely register on my radar.
Those saying I'm going to have an affair - I just wouldn't. You don't know me so it's fair for you to assume that and I appreciate how I sound horrible in this thread but this is a tiny part of who I am as whole person. If I wanted to cheat or would be ok with that I would have just gone and done it when this all started.
Anyway the more I try to explain myself the worse I sound so I'll leave it there and thank you all for your comments and thoughts.