Happy marriage but questioning lifelong monogamy: talk to husband or not?

[Isthisacrisis]

I'm a long term poster but changed username. I have used chat gpt to help me arrange my thoughts but this is very real.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and I’m now in my mid-30s. We have children together and, honestly, our life looks pretty perfect from the outside – and in many ways it actually is. He’s a wonderful husband and father. We have a good sex life, we make time for each other, and we also have our own hobbies and independence. There isn’t some big relationship problem sitting underneath this.

But over the past couple of years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly strange about the idea that he will likely be the only person I ever have sex with for my entire adult life. I’ve never really experienced anything else. It’s not that I’m unhappy with him or looking to replace him – far from it – but I sometimes feel curious about whether the expectation of lifelong monogamy is something that actually works for everyone. I (like many people) sometimes feel attracted to others and I get a kick out of knowing they're attracted to me.

For context, I grew up in quite a chaotic home with a lot of trauma. Looking back, I think a big part of me was searching for safety and stability when I got into my relationship. And I did find that with him. Our life together is secure and loving, which is something I value hugely.

Recently though I’ve found myself questioning some of the assumptions around marriage and monogamy. I’m not sure I believe in “the one”, and I tend to think love is more about deep care, respect, companionship and enjoyment of each other. I’m not convinced those feelings necessarily have to exist with only one person for an entire lifetime.

So part of me wonders whether it’s possible for a couple to be happy, committed partners and parents, but still occasionally have sexual experiences with other people. I know that for some couples that works, but I also know it can go very wrong.

My children’s security and stability is absolutely the most important thing to me, and I would never want to risk damaging our family life. At the same time, I’m wondering whether these thoughts are something I should talk about openly with my husband or whether even raising it could cause hurt or damage that can’t be undone.

I genuinely don’t know how he’d react. He might be completely against the idea, which I would respect, but I worry that even mentioning it could plant a seed or make him feel that what we have isn’t enough.

So I suppose my question is:
Would you talk about these feelings with your partner, or keep them to yourself? And has anyone been in a similar situation where a very happy relationship still came with questions about monogamy?

Please be kind – I’m not looking to blow up my marriage. I’m just trying to understand my own feelings.

@Isthisacrisis

I am friends with a couple who got together at 16. They are now older than you and your H. When they started to feel like you do - they joined Killing Kittens.

They went through a period of occasionally going to sex parties - but mostly not really participating, as far as I understand. The mere fact of going and seeing (and being seen) - did a lot for them. And the opportunity to potentially acting on it also helped.

I think they enjoyed a few smaller meetings with likeminded couples where they did have sex with other people. My friend still says that her best sex is with her H - but it was nice to be free and have their experiences.

They don't do much of it these days - I think once their curiosity/itch/etc was satisfied it all calmed down for both of them.

So - yes, other people do feel like that too. And there are options.
I'd talk to your H - he might surprise you,

If your children's stability is, as you have said, your top priority then zip the lip. Voicing this to someone who is a good partner will light a bomb that will shatter his and your existence and therefore the children's. You cannot unsay it once said. His life will never be the same and you will threaten the whole family's stability. You do not have the right to do this to satisfy your fantasy.
Be content with what you have and grateful that your life is so much better than many/most.
If when the children have flown the
nest you are happy to indulge this to the detriment of this decent man then you must do what you will.

OP, I have focused on your messages.

What you are talking about is madness. The level of “self-destruct” here is off the charts.
I am the other side of a necessary divorce and you do not want to have to sift through the absolute dross out there to find another decent man.

Tred very very carefully

YANBU at all.
We are dead for a long time.
Thread carefully and think twice.

How would you feel if your DH said OK, he has sex with another woman and decides he prefers her? Or prefers to have no ties but prefers to live alone and have lots of casual sex?
Would it all be worth it?
( sorry if that's already been asked)

Really appreciate all of the comments.
Like I say, I love my husband but we were very young. I don't know why I feel so weird about it now. Like never accepting a drink from someone in a bar, never meeting someone at a hobby and exchanging numbers. In some ways I wish we'd met later, so I had the opportunity to have a bit more fun, and I feel terrible saying that. I feel the same for him though, like he's missed out. I realise I am lucky, I wouldn't be the person I am without him. I'm sure my path of self destruction would have been fast tracked and who knows where I may have ended up. He absolutely steadies me and I bring a lot of fun and excitement to our life, we are so similar yet opposites in many ways and that's why we work.
I wouldn't tell him explicitly that I've been thinking about relationships with other men but more like 'oh I heard so and so do this what do you think' or discuss it when it comes up on TV as suggested. Not interested in swingers parties etc. It's more just being able to going along with the flirting or whatever or a night out once in a blue moon.

I’m not saying it never works for anyone, but it extremely unlikely that pursuing this will end well, long term.

@Isthisacrisis

So you do feel like you’ve missed out,
so therefore you’re not happy. That’s no judgement by the way, it’s a perfectly valid way to feel. But you’re lying to yourself if you think it’s all happy and rosy. There’s a part of you that regrets settling down so young and so you feel like you haven’t lived life to the full.

Fair. But I met my husband at 17 and I don’t feel the way that you feel.

Assuming he is your only sexual partner as in you never had sex with anyone else I would guess that a lot of people would feel the same. Its a case of what you never have had you do wonder if you are missing something.
The problem is if you ask your husband about other partners it could do one of three things;
1 you could be kissing your marriage goodbye. he might be totally upset and shocked by the idea of other partners and there would be no way back
2 You could find your husband likes the idea but then you leave yourselves open to getting partners sexual ones who could be the opposite of what you are used to. Believe me there are some twisted people out there who would get a lot of pleasure from causing pain etc. Also there is also the risk of someone becoming more than a sexual partner that you would end up getting emotionally involved with them
3 you keep things to yourself and end up dissatisfied and upset.
Personally i would suggest asking your GP for counselling or if you go to church maybe speak to a vicar or priest they are more human than you think and very well versed in these things

@Isthisacrisis I'm poly, have been for years, and have successfully had something like the types of relationship that you're considering for years (typically more 2-3 committed partners rather than 1 committed and some casual) and sadly even I would suggest that in your circumstances it's highly likely that nothing good would come of it and it would cause nothing but unnecessary friction, insecurity and second guessing in your current relationship.

It's fine to start things on the basis of being poly - everyone knows where they stand, can decline if it's not for them, and doesn't feel that previously they were good enough and are now not - they know that it's just how the partner prefers to do life.

But I've never known a couple go from mono to poly mid relationship and it not cause much angst, upset and in most cases the death of the relationship. Sorry.

None of us can do everything or experience everything in our lives - it is self-indulgent to think that we might.

We all get to the end of our lives and look back on the trillions of things that we did not do and might have done. There will be far more of those than the things we actually did.

Why not ensure that when you look back you will be proud of the things that you did? - take stock of the happy family you nurtured in spite of your difficult start in life?

Or would you rather look back and regret your foolish self-indulgence and the bad effects it had on those you love, and who love you - on creating the same sort of "chaotic home with a lot of trauma" that blighted your young life?

The media feed us with the "me too" message, with a sense that we should simply take what we want "because we are worth it." Life is more complicated than that - we have responsibilities as well as rights. You do not have the right to destroy the happiness of others on a whim.

If you were looking to escape a violent relationship, a poor one or even a mediocre one, there might be some sense to all this. But there is none - get up off your bum and make a special treat for your family today. Hold them close.

If it were only self-destruction then you can choose that for yourself - you cannot choose this for those you love and for whom you have responsibilities.

Read a few of the threads on here from mothers who are undergoing violence, poverty, controlling men - then read them again ...... and again .....

And if he doesn’t jump at it you will probably be having an affair one day. Why not seek counselling now and try and avoid things going to shit?

The thing is op, you say you don’t want to act on these feelings, but you clearly do. Or you’d not have started a thread and be considering talking to him about it.

i can assure you it’s not all rosey out there, and it isn’t as simple as flirt, give a number have sex. Because feelings become involved. The new partner will always be more exciting than what’s at home. And that means any woman he meets. It is less likely to be true for the men you meet.

whays clear is you are comfortable in your marriage, want to maintain it for lifestyle but wish to behave as if you’re single. To be able to meet men, date them, sleep with them, for most people this is not compatible with a marriage. For some poly people it is, but In the main no,

I suspect you will either mention this to him, as I feel you’re determined or you will start affairs, and I suspect you’ve just put your marriage on the green mile. It’s a dead man walking. And unless you’re very lucky and meet a fantastic man, you will come to regret this.

but I think you’ve decided already. So play your cards and at least be honest with him

When you have everything a lot of people out there are looking for, what exactly is it you think you are missing by not hooking up with strangers.

Mediocre sex? Potentional stds? The excitement and thrill of it all?

Now weigh that out with the risks. Blowing up your life, your kids lives, your DH that you love and care for. Something's are just not worth it op. You don't need to scratch every itch. This isn't a necessity this is a want. For the sake of everyone involved, let it go.

I think it’s going off the pill having an effect. I’ve read about this happening when the wife has been on contraception throughout the relationship and then stops it to have children, suddenly they feel differently about their partner and no longer as attracted.

Hormones aside, I think it’s completely understandable and normal you’d be curious about sex outside a relationship you’ve been in for your entire adult life. That’s a very limited amount of partners and we’re naturally curious as a species in this area and often crave novelty. The novelty itself adds to the passion, the same reason new relationships are usually so intense at the beginning.

My advice is to leave it as fantasy though.

If you tell your husband you will likely change your relationship forever as you sow the seeds of doubt in his mind that can never be unsown.

Don’t risk it. But it doesn’t sound unusual or surprising that you’re feeling this.

Do you find yourself attracted to your friends husbands and partners?

So "you dont get butterflies when he comes through the door"?

I am guessing that pretty much everyone who has been together for 10 years + feels the same - life gets in the way, its not new or different etc...

To echo what has been said - there is so much that can go wrong here

@Isthisacrisis Going off hormonal contraception for the first time in a relationship definitely can result in different feelings, attractions, sex drive, etc. However please don’t use that as an excuse to self destruct and repeat your chaotic childhood for your children. Instead, get counselling and deal with your shit, and try rediscovering the fun and romance with DH. Get a babysitter, go out to a bar, pretend that you don’t know each other, and flirt like crazy with each other. Even better if you arrive separately and don’t know how the other is dressed so you’ll need to search for each other. No talking about the children, domestic duties or any of that boring everyday stuff. If one of you has driven there then offer to drive the other one home, and pull over somewhere and kiss/have sex or whatever in the car. You want to meet and exchange numbers at a hobby? So do that with each other! No one there has to know that you’re married to each other. Have some fun together.

As for long term love, I definitely don’t get butterflies in my tummy every time I see DH. Usually I’m glad to see him, or feel relieved that he’s back and he’s safe, or something else.

Very much this

So your saying your bored and want sex with others.
Dont do it unless you get a divorce as its not worth hurting anyone.

I've been with DH for 27 years and never had another partner.

If he suggested this to me, I'd be devastated. I'd forever assume I'm not enough, he's bored, and looking for something better. It would ruin our marriage.

I didn't say I think I should. The opposite in fact.

@Mischance I don't think I deserve indulgence. And I don't need to read the threads on here about violence, abuse, poverty - I've seen and experienced absolutely plenty of. Every decision I have made in my life has been to get away from that situation and not have similar for myself and my children. People think I'm lucky and landed on my feet, but I had a plan from since I was a child to stop the repeat of history and so far, it's working.
The butterfly comment was directed at the posters saying I mustn't really love him. I was just explaining how love looks for us, perhaps mundane to others but very real.
@FeralWoman we do loads together. Get a babysitter, gigs, nights out, hobbies etc. I'm not bored of him. We went out a few weeks ago and the server thought it was our first date.
This is why it's so strange. I'm very into my DH but still feel (occasionally) strongly attracted to other people.
I'm definitely going to look into starting some therapy soon and appreciate it will help with this as well as other things. I know that I need it and this has been a push to finally arrange something.
@WhatTheHellsGoingOn no I don't feel attracted to friends or my friends' husbands.
I don't feel like this all the time with any bloke who walks down the street!
I also work with mainly men and have never felt like it with anyone at work.

I don’t think you’ve done anything that bad. It’s normal to have fantasies outside your marriage. Healthy couples talk about them - I know people that joke about crushes outside their marriages all the time. I know people into enm and I know people who have had full on crises because they’ve liked someone and felt guilty.

but you’re not acting on it. And you were wondering about having a convo with your husband. You’re not a monster, you’re a woman with fantasies and I think if you spoke to your husband honestly he would probably tell you the same. I don’t advise actually doing it - because idk much about it in practise. But I doubt it’s not never crossed your husbands mind either

We all have fantasies (that is normal) ... and indeed offers/opportunities, but we do not act on them because we know right from wrong and we care about our families.