Happy marriage but questioning lifelong monogamy: talk to husband or not?

[Isthisacrisis]

I'm a long term poster but changed username. I have used chat gpt to help me arrange my thoughts but this is very real.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and I’m now in my mid-30s. We have children together and, honestly, our life looks pretty perfect from the outside – and in many ways it actually is. He’s a wonderful husband and father. We have a good sex life, we make time for each other, and we also have our own hobbies and independence. There isn’t some big relationship problem sitting underneath this.

But over the past couple of years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly strange about the idea that he will likely be the only person I ever have sex with for my entire adult life. I’ve never really experienced anything else. It’s not that I’m unhappy with him or looking to replace him – far from it – but I sometimes feel curious about whether the expectation of lifelong monogamy is something that actually works for everyone. I (like many people) sometimes feel attracted to others and I get a kick out of knowing they're attracted to me.

For context, I grew up in quite a chaotic home with a lot of trauma. Looking back, I think a big part of me was searching for safety and stability when I got into my relationship. And I did find that with him. Our life together is secure and loving, which is something I value hugely.

Recently though I’ve found myself questioning some of the assumptions around marriage and monogamy. I’m not sure I believe in “the one”, and I tend to think love is more about deep care, respect, companionship and enjoyment of each other. I’m not convinced those feelings necessarily have to exist with only one person for an entire lifetime.

So part of me wonders whether it’s possible for a couple to be happy, committed partners and parents, but still occasionally have sexual experiences with other people. I know that for some couples that works, but I also know it can go very wrong.

My children’s security and stability is absolutely the most important thing to me, and I would never want to risk damaging our family life. At the same time, I’m wondering whether these thoughts are something I should talk about openly with my husband or whether even raising it could cause hurt or damage that can’t be undone.

I genuinely don’t know how he’d react. He might be completely against the idea, which I would respect, but I worry that even mentioning it could plant a seed or make him feel that what we have isn’t enough.

So I suppose my question is:
Would you talk about these feelings with your partner, or keep them to yourself? And has anyone been in a similar situation where a very happy relationship still came with questions about monogamy?

Please be kind – I’m not looking to blow up my marriage. I’m just trying to understand my own feelings.

I sometimes feel curious about whether the expectation of lifelong monogamy is something that actually works for everyone.

It doesn't matter if it works for everyone as long as it works for you.

I worry that even mentioning it could plant a seed or make him feel that what we have isn’t enough.

Of course it will plant a seed, and of course saying you want to have sex with someone else means that what you have right now isn't enough.

You could be scuppering your nice stable marriage for reasons associated with your chaotic and traumatic childhood; or because there's something valuable missing from your marriage; or just because hormones and FOMO.

Either drop the whole thing and consciously turn your thouights elsewhere, or if you can't do that then the safest person to talk to about this and explore these feelings without blowing up your marriage would be a therapist. Therapists keep confidentiality. The therapist can help you figure this out in safety and privacy.

Therapy is expensive but a therapist is cheaper than a divorce.

Why does it matter whether you’ve had sex with one Man or 100?
It’s bizarre to think of risking everything to satisfy a what? Curiosity?
Perhaps the relationship isn’t as great as you make out.

OP - I suggest watching the channel 4 programme Open House the Great Sex Experiment.

It's an eye opener into open relationships but also catalogues the pit falls if 2 people are not on the same page.

Maybe watching with your DH will also gauge his position to it without you having to ask him anything.

I would have a frank and honest conversation with him and see what he thinks. Enm is a thing. If you reassure him you love him and are happy to drop it if he says no and not hold it against him then I think you should talk to him about it, definitely. He’s your husband.

Definitely have a conversation with your husband. A safe, open discussion about your feelings. Drowning out something that is in you could probably lead to more problems down the line, I don't think that's viable, @Isthisacrisis . You are a team together, and it is something that impacts you both, so definitely talk. Yes, it might be uncomfortable, but it is what is in you, and thus, the truth. And you can decide together how you tackle this going forward. While I personally can't stand the idea of my wife and myself having sex with other people, I am very aware that some people do that, and as long as nobody gets hurt, and everyone is happy, it is their business. I would die inside if my wife talked about something like that, I wouldn't be able to pursue ideas like that, but - I would still like to know if that was the truth. If your husband had questions or ideas around monogamy and the future, you would like to know, too, I am guessing. So pick a nice time, when the kids are asleep, and you are both done for the day with to-dos, and chat - is my suggestion.

Yes, and I also have a degree in education and psychology and have specialised in working with vulnerable children so attachment theory is something I'm highly aware of. I'm very conscious of how it still effects me and have no doubt that it's all related. But that doesn't stop me feeling like I do.
I swing between feeling like I'm on a path of self destruction to mess my life up (on some subconscious level I must think this is what I deserve, no surprise there)..

Well as you’ve studied psychology you will know about self destruction which is a specific indicator of a certain attachment style isn’t it?

My friend’s therapy training involved having therapy herself. Especially given your work isn’t it both personally and professionally beneficial to try at least a few therapy sessions once in your life, before jeopardising a secure marriage that many people long for.

My exH was always looking for something outside the marriage. I have just heard that pattern has continued as apparently he’s just moved on to another one! It’s so disruptive for the DC ,even now, to hear he’s moving on to number 5.
It’s worth exploring if wanting extra marital action is really about the sex or escaping your spouse ( or if at some level it’s about escaping yourself or replicating earlier patterns). Is there any possibility you’re drawn towards the idea of reinventing yourself with OM who don’t know you or see you in domestic mode.

I strongly disagree with the people suggesting talking to your husband as a first step.

@Isthisacrisis the grass isn’t greener. You’re honestly not missing much. Stay with the lovely guy you have. Start changing it and you could find yourself permanently on your lonesome.

But over the past couple of years I’ve found myself feeling increasingly strange about the idea that he will likely be the only person I ever have sex with for my entire adult life. I’ve never really experienced anything else. It’s not that I’m unhappy with him or looking to replace him – far from it – but I sometimes feel curious

In response to the above. I just don’t think you’re happy. Not deep down. I think you’re in denial but that’s just my opinion. I’m 37 and I got with my husband at 17. I am most certainly not curious about other men. I love my husband and our sex life. Curiosity mainly comes from boredom. Even if, objectively things are good for you, it sounds like the spark has gone.

I think it’s important that my partner would be able to share their inner world with me. I would want to know they were feeling like this.
you don’t know how he’s going to react. He might have similar feelings. He might not. She’s not asking to do anything. All she has to do is say, ‘I was thinking about monogamy and…’

I would hope he could cope with it

Quite honestly I hear where you are coming from .I have been married a long time and understand your feelings .17 is very young and it's natural to think "what if".There are many who have risked it all for an affair .As you say you dont want to break up your happy home .MAybe counselling would help you explore these feelings in more depth .I would be cautious about bringing it up with hubby though.He may be shocked and horrified .or worse think it a good idea! There is a parable about the Alpine cow who had a beautiful meadow ,lots of grass to eat and a kind owner .Every day she would look across at the field nearby, and wonder what it would be like there .One day she escaped ! felt so brave and alive .However she realised it was no better.Just the same .I think every woman /man wonders the same

I think you are right to post here and not have the discussion with your husband. You say you don't think you would mind if he had sex with another woman. Okay, would you not mind if he impregnated her either?

I’d keep the thoughts to myself. I’d not want to upset him or upend my marriage. I vowed to forsake all others and I will.

People are weird about non-monogamy on here but it can work. Now, if people think about it and decide that monogamy is the choice they want to make and that’s what works best for them, that is absolutely fine and valid. But many aren’t able to do that without judgement as you’ve seen, saying that even thinking about it means you’re bored, you don’t love your husband, you’d be throwing your life away, it means he isn’t enough for you etc etc. Personally I don’t think one person can meet every single need of ours and sexual/romantic desire or even love is not a finite resource. I know three poly couples I can think of (one has kids) in decade+ long very happy marriages/relationships.

The key here is that she doesn't know how he is going to react- it could be a anything from being keen as well to deciding to end the marriage, or anywhere in between. Given that OP isn't actually sure herself at the moment what she wants it seems extremely rash to jeopardise what she has.

Saying something like this isn't neutral and can't be undone.

It sounds like there's a great deal about your husband that is absolutely terrific. As for butterflies - no, I don't think many of us get butterflies thinking about the partner we've been with for 15/20/25 years, with whom we've been at the coalface of daily life - jobs, finding somewhere to live, paying bills, raising children etc. For me, the kind of excitement you describe is associated with novelty and a degree of insecurity - hence the butterflies. But in fact I am hugely into the romance of the mundane. My DH and I (25+ years together) get irritated with each other and occasionally have big arguments but mostly we get on well and I'm blown away by the fact that, after all this time together, we can still make each other laugh, have really interesting conversations, have satisfying sex, still enjoy snuggling up together in bed at night (not a euphemism) and generally get a lot of pleasure, enjoyment and contentment out of each other's company. For me that's what real, deep and true love is. It sounds like you have that with your husband.

However, DH and I were 29 and 37 when we got together. My parents met and married very young (18 and 20 when they got married) and they had always told me that they felt they had settled down too young. Which - for them in any case - they had. They both had affairs during the marriage and divorced after 32 years of marriage. So I was very clear in my mind that I would not settle down so young and I did not, and that was right for me. I had a wonderful first love from the ages of 16-19 but towards the end of that time, my feelings had waned considerably as had his. My sister met and married her husband when she was in her 30s. We both absorbed the message.

I have some good friends who are with the people they met as teenagers. I think that can work really well for some people - some people on this thread have confirmed it - but it doesn't work for everyone. I think it is unsurprising that you are curious about other partners. I know one couple who got together at age 15 and they opened up their relationship within careful parameters once they were in their 40s and made it work for them.

But open relationships aren't for many people. DH and I have had periods of open relationship which we have scarcely acted on (1 person each in 15 years; in DH's case, he slept with her 3 times; I fooled around with my person once; in both cases, it was a very long time ago). The journey to that point was long and very specific and it was a journey we had taken together and we arrived at that point together. And, by the way, we accepted that the openness would involve feelings for other people. We weren't interested in sex for sex's sake. We'd each had quite a lot of that before settling down.

I know of other cases where couples have opened up their relationship really because one person wanted it - it hasn't been an organic development. I think that kind of arrangement can destroy marriages.

If you want to do some discrete reading around the subject, you might find the following books interesting: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Open-Love-Sex-Life-Marriage/dp/1580052754 and https://www.amazon.de/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664. However, the authors of both books have relationships with men and women and, in the case of the book, Open, although the author slept with a few other men when her relationship was initially opened up, the driver for opening up the marriage was (from memory) more that she missed sleeping with women. At the time of writing, her primary relationship was with her husband and she also had a steady girlfriend. I can see ways in which it might be easier for the primary partner if the secondary relationship is with a person of a different gender to that of the primary partner.

Overall, I think there are real risks to bringing it up with your husband. It might be a genie you can't return to the bottle. It sounds like there's a great deal going right in your relationship that would not be worth leaving behind just so you can have sex with another man.

Yeah fair point, I guess it depends on what type of relationship she has. I know if I was approaching this it would have just been a debate about monogamy to suss out a bit before saying anything I couldn’t take back.
idk it’s her husband. They should be best friends and able to talk about anything.

Go to therapy.

Don't mention these thoughts to DH.

Im divorced at 37 and even after 10 years of a dying marriage, the grass isn’t always greener. You have a good marriage. Explore this with a therapist and nurture your marriage.

I think it depends how happy/ content you are- I don’t mean superficially (could be the wrong word- I mean on the surface)- I mean if it ended would you be excited to be out there or heartbroken. Dh had something of a midlife crisis and questioned it all a few years ago and we will never be the team we were, I won’t go to the ends of the earth for him as I would have before and in the future if it ends I won’t be the wreck I was when he told me he wasn’t sure how he felt about this being it for life. We’re still navigating the fallout so be really sure if you’re going to share everything in your head with him

It's tricky, I think- my husband is my best friend and we can talk about anything but that doesn't mean that he could tell me he wanted to shag other women without that having an effect on how I felt about our marriage. Being able to talk about anything doesn't mean that the things you say don't have consequences.

Haha yes that would be a bit tactless.
I was more thinking op could say something like I’ve been reading about monogamy and I do think it’s strange how it’s become default. Like I love you but people do have affairs and it’s become quite normal for some to be poly. What are your thoughts on it?
or watch the succession episode where they have a threesome and be like what would you do if I did that jokingly. There are tactful ways haha

I'm not going to judge your feelings and desires but to your questions-

1-Would you talk about these feelings with your partner, or keep them to yourself?
For now I'd keep these thoughts to myself. Maybe see a therapist? It could help you decide some important things.

2-And has anyone been in a similar situation where a very happy relationship still came with questions about monogamy?

Not myself but a friend tried some open relationship sex and it didn't improve things, they ended up splitting and it was a big mess. From the outside looking in it didn't appear to be worth the brief sexual thrill but I had tons of fun sex with lots of men and one wonderful woman prior to marriage and got that well out of my system before settling down.

OP these situations are ALWAYS messy, so messy. Think hard before you embark upon this, theres no going back.

I’ve never seen it go well but I’ve seen plenty think yes let’s get a unicorn, join some dating sites and then never actually go through with it

It is a lot to risk for what will probably be some very average sex. However, if either of you find the extra marital sex amazing, then your marriage probably won't survive it. Neither scenario seems really worth it.