Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

Bit odd op

@ChickenBananaBanana what is?

Your choice to keep it private. What was the reasoning perhaps you could explain it to her?

honestly though it’s weird not to tell your friend until after the birth. I did this with one of my pregnancies it was psychosis

It's not usual to keep a pregnancy completely secret. Can you help us to understand your choice? I wonder if your friend felt unimportant in your life that you wouldn't want to share that your family was growing.

Well you made your rather odd choice, then she made hers. 🤷‍♀️

That's life I guess.

@tiptjestation it was my 4th baby and last baby I wanted to enjoy it differently to my other pregnancies, and honestly im glad I did there was a few worrying things happening during the pregnancy and im glad I didnt need to keep people updated when gping through a scary time. I also knew she wouldnt keep it to herself.

Wow, best friend that you didn't tell you were having another baby.

You are the odd one here, OP.

The fact that you talk about keeping the pregnancy a “surprise” rather than talk about keeping it quiet and explaining your reasoning comes across as quite attention seeking.

“Surprise” comes across like you expected everyone to be falling over themselves with delight, rather than thinking you’re a bit odd and it’s a bizzare thing to do.

Your choice but I do think your behaviour was odd. Unless there was a very specific and understandable reason I think I would feel hurt if a friend, especially one I was close enough too to be my bridesmaid, didn’t tell me they were pregnant.

Your choice to keep it private but it’s weird and I can see why she’s hurt. I’d be upset if a friend kept something like that from me, particularly when I’d included them in something so important to me. You made your choice which is fine but you have to accept you’ve caused hurt. You can’t then expect special treatment for being 4 days post partum when you’ve kept it all secret

friends dont keep secrets like this

I’d be really hurt if my best friend kept a pregnancy a secret from me and I’d definitely be re-evaluating the friendship. I also don’t believe you couldn’t go to the dress day - you just didn’t want her to know about the pregnancy.

Sorry but this is completely batshit .. this is someone you describe as your best friend for over 20 years .. yep sorry but unless you had some sort of mental breakdown I can’t see you being able to recover from this is her eyes .. alas you are the problem here.

I'm trying to understand what you want from this thread to be honest..
You were supposed to be a bridesmaid for your best friend, you got pregnant and decided not to tell her, then you told her after the baby was born and she has kept her distance because she probably is weirded out🤔
With the best will in the world OP, your actions have been a bit strange.

Unless you were not coping or ashamed of the pregnancy, I would have expected you to have wanted to share your delightful news with your best friends.

Well now you can go through more things alone. Odd choice and these are the consequences.

Your choice but I'd be devastated if my so called Best friend kept a secret like this. I'd assume we weren't as close as I thought we were.

You have been the weird one here OP. You didn’t see your “best friend” for 9 months presumably? People don’t keep babies as a “surprise”. I would be hurt and confused if I was your friend too - you obviously don’t think much of her not to tell her your significant news and if I was her I would assume you weren’t as close as I thought we were and probably pull away slightly.

It is your choice, but you don’t get to CHOOSE to do something that you know is weird and then get upset when people find it weird

This I'm afraid.

Very strange behaviour on your part

This too...

It is your choice, but you don’t get to CHOOSE to do something that you know is weird and then get upset when people find it weird

You didn’t tell your best friends of 20 years that you were pregnant- just announced the birth? If this is the case you were in the wrong but she shouldn’t be sending horrible messages

I agree with pps, I'm afraid.

I'd be hurt in the bride-to-be's place too, and like some posters have said, I'd re-evaluate and pull back.

But I also found this odd

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

Why did she treat you like a secret?

In the Bride's position I would have been extremely hurt and confused. Why did you decide to keep it a secret op? How did you think people would react?

If my best friend of 20 years FaceTimed me with a new baby I had no idea she was carrying for the whole 9 months she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. Very weird on your part.

It feels in the same lane to me as people who have “surprise weddings” where they invite people to an engagement party, house warming or 30th Birthday and then SURPRISE it’s actually a wedding. They expect people to fawn over themselves with excitement and delight but instead what often happens is people feel left out, confused, hurt to have not been involved in the build up, or the worst version of events - don’t go because of travel/other plans etc but would have prioritised. the wedding had they know this is what it was. It’s odd and attention seeking.