Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

You must have gone to very great lengths to conceal your pregnancy. I would be taken aback to find that anyone I know could be so... odd.

I'd be very hurt if I were your friend and I don't really understand why you can't see how hurtful this would be. I wouldn't feel close enough to you to justify having you as a bridesmaid after that.

Very strange behaviour. I’m not surprised she’s backed off from your friendship/ended it.

I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant till I was 20 weeks because my first scan had uncovered a condition that, had treatment been immediately necessary, would have meant I needed to terminate the pregnancy, my first.

But close friends and colleagues had guessed long since, respected my decision, and were understanding once I explained why I’d kept it to myself for so long.

Agree with this. I get keeping a pregnancy quiet until a certain point but not telling close friends until after the birth is extremely odd behaviour.

Sorry OP bit you’re now dealing with the consequences of your choices

I can kind of understand wanting to keep a 4th baby quiet - as I’m pregnant with my 4th and I hate attention/judgement so I’ve found it difficult to tell people. I have told people
though even though I’ve felt a bit awkward! I’ve also had health issues this pregnancy & worries about the baby so I do empathise.
But a secret from your best friend? And presumably family? I assume all the school mums/people who see you regularly due to the bump - you’ve taken it a bit too far. I can understand why she’s upset.

i mean this genuinely op, but did you really not foresee that being shut out from this big part of your life would cause people close to you to feel excluded and hurt? like you don’t consider them important to you?

Your choice but you surely must understand that people close to you would feel hurt by something big like that. Maybe it will blow over but you can't really blame her for questioning your friendship on the back of it. Friendship is a two way thing.

I totally get why you didn’t want to announce the pregnancy until after the 12 week scan, or maybe a bit longer if you have a history of difficult pregnancies. I also understand those who are in denial about it, eg teenagers or those going through trauma like pregnancy being the result of a rape or something. But this doesn’t seem to be the case here. Unless there’s a back story this is just odd.

This whole friendship sounds odd. She hangs up on you if her partner comes home? But he must know you exist for you to be in the wedding party.

Then you keep a pregnancy secret from her, when she is supposedly your 'best friend'. The fact she didn't know means you can't have even seen each other in person for a long time either. All round bizarre.

Thst was very odd behaviour of you to talk almost daily to ypur best friend and not inform her that you were pregnant.
I can see why she would now not have you as a bridesmaid.
I would definitely think that you didn't see the friendship the same way as she did. It makes sense that she has gone no contact.

Very unusual to keep a pregnancy a secret the whole way through. I would be hurt if my supposed bf hid that from me, especially as you were involved so heavily in her wedding.

Sounds like you don’t like your “best friend” much @M231OTW

If I was her I wouldn’t be pandering to you either. Your choice to keep the pregnancy a secret - and that is odd - her choice to react to it as she sees fit.

Unless there was a particular reason, like perhaps earlier losses, i would be upset if a best friend didn't tell me until after 9 months. Presume you live in the same country?

How bizarre of you. I'd give you a wide berth now(no pun intended 😜)

Am with your friend here. Sorry that’s not friendship

OP is recently postpartum, and has alluded to the fact that she had reason to be worried during pregnancy. I don't disagree that it was an odd choice, but lets not all pile on at a vulnerable time.

OP - if she is your best friend she is probably deeply hurt that you kept this from her. A true friend would expect to be there to help you through difficulties, and it has probably confused her that you didn't trust her with that. I would just be honest about why you did it and let her know what you have been going through. Leave her wedding out of it, that is irrelevant. But don't waste too much energy on it - it is done now. Hopefully time will heal it. Concentrate on your own family at this time.

You are being so disingenuous @M231OTW

You know full well it’s bizarre to keep a pregnancy from friends until you’ve give birth.

If a friend I was close enough to have as a bridesmaid didn’t tell me she was pregnant I’d rethink how well I knew you.

And she’s not dropped you because you ‘kept’ the baby, it’s because you hid it.

Why did you want to keep your entire pregnancy secret? That’s just odd.

You haven't really said anything different to most other people, you just added in an unnecessary scolding.

It was a very strange thing to do to your "best friend" in my opinion. She obviously thought you lied about the dress shopping day too to conceal your pregnancy. I have no idea what relevance her drinking, using babysitters etc etc is to this story either. You are the weird one here, sorry OP.

@M231OTW

I don't want to just deliberately join in with everyone else, but I am struggling to think of your behaviour as anything but a bit odd. As has been said, are you really such best friends if you've not seen each other for 9 months (or more?!)

Whilst it's not odd or weird to keep a pregnancy a secret for a little while - even up to 4 months - to keep it secret until the birth is indeed rather strange. As some posters have said, it smacks of attention-seeking a bit.

I think you'd be best to let this friendship go. Your friend is obviously annoyed and angry and hurt and feels disappointed. Not all friendships last forever. Sounds like this one has run its course.

Um your choice was odd, I don't blame her reaction. I kept my last pregnancy a "secret" by not updating everyone on social media. However, my actual friends I told.

If I was her I wouldn't be that fussed. It's your choice and it's done now. It's not going to sabotage her wedding, the fact that you've got a baby.

The world doesn't revolve around her and her wedding. Most people would tell well before the birth but again, the outcome is the same so if she didn't notice you were pregnant what difference does it make at this point?

I am on her side, that is very odd to not tell her or anyone about pregnancy. Did you not see her during the whole pregnancy?? I’d be wildly shocked jf my friend did this and pretty upset