Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

I'm assuming you didn't see your friend in person for a large portion of your pregnancy, because it would have been obvious that you were pregnant? In that timeframe, did you avoid making arrangements to see her? Or make excuses why you couldn't see her? You stated you speak daily, yet during those chats, whilst you were pregnant, you never said a word to her about your pregnancy??

I understand not wanting to tell the world, but it becomes obvious after a time. Did you stay at home, and didn't go out once you developed a baby bump?!! It's odd that you told no one other than your Mum! No one on your husband's side knew? No other friends/family on your own side knew either??

You then decided to video call your friend, after the birth and tell her you'd give birth to your fourth child. Honestly, I find it bizarre that you kept the pregnancy a secret from family, let alone your best friend. I understand if there were complications in previous pregnancies or miscarriage, wanting to wait until the pregnancy is very much established, before telling people. There doesn't seem to be any real reason, other than you wanted to 'experience your last pregnancy differently'.

You made a choice how you wanted to handle your pregnancy, with regards to telling other people. That is absolutely your choice (I presume your husband agreed as well) but it's equally someone else's choice how they react to that news. You can't control other people's reactions. Have you explained to your friend, your reasoning behind your decision? I'm not sure your reasoning is going to help your friend feel less hurt. You may have to accept that this might be the end of your friendship.

Did you keep yourself locked up at home for nine months? How the fuck (and why; I mean, I read your comments but I still don’t get it!) did you keep a whole pregnancy a secret?

The OP says in her OP that they spoke almost daily, which is so strange. This is all strange, she finds it strange, it is what it is now.

So she didn't find out you were pregnant until you told her you'd had the baby?

That's a pretty significant piece of information not to tell a best friend. I think I'd be very hurt in that situation.

It’s not an ‘announcement’ to say that you are having a baby. It’s quite a life altering situation.

What is a friendship if it’s not sharing experiences and trusting one another? It’s not about having a right to know.

There is an intimacy in a friendship. Otherwise you are just people who know one another.

She's either your best friend or she isn't. Keeping something that big from someone who is as close as you were, close enough to be their bridesmaid and the rest, is just weird. Under the circumstances if I was your friend I would be hurt and I say that as someone who kept my pregnancy quiet - many people - extended family included only found out when DS was born, but I had my reasons. My closest friends knew. My reasons were that DS was a surprise miracle baby - tried for years, had 4 unsuccessful IVFs and when they failed, gave up TTC only to conceive naturally a few years later the age of 44. I kept waiting to share the news wider but couldn't shake the feeling that the moment I announced it, it would all go wrong. I got to 16 weeks, and then 20 weeks, then 25 weeks and kept waiting. It was a high risk pregnancy and he arrived 6 weeks early so didn't actually get the chance to do it, but my closest friends and immediate family (parents, siblings) knew and I wasn't going to lie if I bumped into or spoke to someone. You had the right to keep it a secret and announce it in your own way, but you should also understand that some people will feel hurt.

Where did I say angry and pissed off?! I said hurt.

My friend’s mum kept her pregnancy secret from her friends for the whole time. I think it was her second or third baby. She invited a couple of friends over and just brought the baby out, they asked who it belonged to. Very weird in my opinion. I can understand it if there are health problems or miscarriages or very high risk, but to speak to someone frequently and not mention it at all is quite unusual.
Anyway from the updates it sounds like you’re actually well rid of her OP. She sounds pretty fake and found you convenient rather than someone she enjoys hanging out and having fun with

How do you keep a pregnancy a secret? I was the size of a house !

decided to keep it a secret because as I said baby was my 4th I wanted to experience pregnancy differently, the first 12 weeks of not telling anyone feels special to me your in your little bubble and noone knows so I decided to continue that bubble until the birth

This is just really weird, sorry. I completely get not telling anyone for the first 12 weeks, that's normal to make sure everything's ok etc.
To not tell that you're pregnant at all though until the baby arrives?!
If I was the friend I'd wonder why you didn't say anything, I'd probably be thinking "well she can't be that bothered about staying in touch to not tell me something so big and important in her life"
I can see why she's backed off from you.

It's very bizarre behaviour to keep an entire pregnancy secret, even from your closest friends. Do you normally have issues with attention seeking, self esteem or narcissism?

It sounds like you were using the pregnancy purely for the purpose of enjoying the feeling of keeping a secret. It's like you loved the idea of gatekeeping information and you were also relishing the attention that people would have to give you afterwards. It's textbook "pick me" behaviour.

Based on your writing it doesn't sound like you had a past stillbirth or complex family trauma which are more logical reasons why someone would keep a pregnancy secret. You may want to look into covert narcissism or forms of autism which makes it difficult to understand social rules within friendships.

you say she made plans to go out and go on trips with other friends and didnt ask you but you say you wont get a babysitter so what does it matter when you would just say no

This OP. She didn’t sound like much of a friend anyway.

Well I still stand by what I said. And why is she 'hurt?' Your daughter being hurt that her friend didn't tell her about her pregnancy til 20 weeks is a bit ridiculous. It's nothing like the OP's situation, and why does your daughter think she had a right to know her friend was pregnant before 20 weeks?

I suppose you will say she didn't think she had a right to know.

Sounds like she did.

Someone I considered a friend as in we’d text now and again and meet when we could had avoided meeting up but I assumed she was busy. She didn’t know we had a friend in common and I was so hurt when I saw a photo of her and her new baby on Facebook. I just thought I must matter so little that I completely stopped bothering with her.

I mean, you do have consider other people's feelings when you do things but you do you I suppose.

Sorry OP but I would be totally offended if my best friend who I was going to be bridesmaid for FaceTimed me to show me her new baby. It’s is totally odd

Not gonna lie, I would wonder if she had kidnapped someone else's baby! 😬

I've been watching too many Channel 5 afternoon drama films! 😆

The dress was picked one year and one month before the wedding

You will probably find your DDs friend has either suffered a miscarriage since first pregnancy or there were health concerns.

We didn't tell family until 21 weeks with DS2 for the exact reasons above (was having scans from 16 weeks til we got the OK from a heart specialist).

It's got nothing to do with your DD or friendship but comes from the mum trying to protect their own mental health and anxiety. Saying the unknown out loud it's extremely tough when pregnant and unknowns around babies health.

I’m surprised that you don’t understand why she’s so hurt.

I decided to keep it a secret because as I said baby was my 4th I wanted to experience pregnancy differently, the first 12 weeks of not telling anyone feels special to me your in your little bubble and noone knows so I decided to continue that bubble until the birth. Which is absolutely your right to do but, in doing so, you’ve shown her that she’s not as important in your life as she thought she was. So she’s reassessed the situation and decided that if you aren’t close enough to her to tell her you’ve had a child, then you obviously aren’t close enough to be her bridesmaid. What did you think would happen?

I would have done anything for her, but it never felt like the feeling was mutual, I felt like more of a convient friend. The one who always answered the phone when she was driving to and from places, when she was nipping in to a shop etc. And yet she still wanted you there, next to her, on her wedding day. Lots of people have friends that have different roles in their lives. A party friend, a good chat friend etc. There’s clearly no point in her inviting you out to do what she enjoys doing because she knew that you don’t enjoy drinking or leaving your DC with anyone. But she still made the effort to call you, even if it was a quick 2 minute call just to say hi.

she would make plans and go on trips with others but i was never invited or plans like this would never be arranged with me but i was still to be the "best friend". Why would she invite you? You didn’t even want to go on a night out with her, so why would she think you’d want to go on a trip with her?

I had urges to do this each time I was pregnant..I really struggled to let people know ..and absolutely no one was told when I was giving birth ..just couldn't bare the thought of anyone knowing..but I have a diagnosis of autism..so I assumed it was that

It was absolutely your right to keep your pregnancy secret from everyone but it is absolutely their right to feel however they feel about it.

You cant control their reaction and any consequences that result from that.

You just have to suck it up as the consequence of your choice.

you may just have to accept it and say it was worth it to you

It sounds like you don’t trust her with something important and she probably feels that right now. She’s brought you in close and now there’s an imbalance. I think you need to be honest with yourself about this friendship. She think you’re close, and now she probably feels like you’ve kept her at arm’s length. I’d have my guard up too, in the same situation.

I didn't tell anyone about my last 2 they only knew when baby was here , my pregnancy my choice to do that .