Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

My “best friend” is always the first person I tell everything …. In this case, maybe the 2nd after DH 🤷🏼‍♀️
This level of secrecy on number 4?!… all just a bit dramatic really 🥴

Nor did I suggest you did. Only that if you aren’t able to explain why you were ‘embarrassed’ to tell your oldest friend you were pregnant until after you’d had a baby, it’s hardly surprised she didn’t understand why you’d concealed it.

@Gymnopedie probably, because as soon as she found out she spoke about how it would affect her wedding etc.

@Notalotanota2026 no im not jealous, being married is not something im overly fussed about we are engaged and happy to plod along as is.

Im being accused of drip feeding but if typed everything in i would have been here all day, throughout the years of friendship Sally has spoken to me about her other "friends" when they have confided in her about miscarriages she has come on the phone to me saying things like silly even getting pregnant anyway given the circumstances they are in etc. As much as I have always been there for her there was always an element of me that thought if she can speak about these people to me what does she say about me. I didnt hide the pregnancy from her because I knew she would spill the beans to her other friends I chose not to tell anyone at all, my bump was tiny due to issues and I barley showed at all basically looked bloated so noone picked up on it.

I had to tell my boss of course in order to get maternity and my kids knew yes at the same time my mum found out, they had plenty of time to come to terms with a new sibling and were all happy about it. They weren't sworn to secrecy they are kids I would never ask them to lie I preach to them about telling the truth but as ive said previously im a busy mum working, studying and looking after the kids so we dont see people often, the kids are 14, 12 and 10 so they are dropped off at school gate no interacting with teachers or other school parents and to add I do click and collect shopping for after work so quite easy for the pregnancy to go completely unnoticeable.

People have also asked did she never ask if i had any news and as much as you may think im trying to paint Sally to be this bad person she genuinely didn't ask, every call was about her, I would be on the other end just listening.

I completely get that the majority of people think im batshit but to try to explain my reasoning without going into touch detail because its really irrelevant I wanted a quiet pregnancy I was having troubles in the pregnancy and at one point thought the baby was going to be born with a disability, I didnt want the "everything is going to be ok" chats i jush wanted to focus on the baby arriving while enjoying what I could of the quiet little bubble, my mum wasn't mad she was over the moon actually as where other family members. After telling Sally she made it all about her and how it affected her which I completely get that she felt hurt etc but also looking back I know I would have had to deal with other things being an issue because I was pregnant and thats not something I could have dealt with along with everything else so as much as everyone thinks im this bad person for lying to my "best friend" i didnt lie, I just never mentioned it and she never asked about my life.

Can see all the drip feeding comments now but as I said I felt this information was really irrelevant in my original post.

So why post at all? You made a choice, to have a ‘best friend’ you don’t like, and to conceal your pregnancy from her until after the baby was born. You think your reasons are valid. She doesn’t. But as you don’t seem at all keen on your only friend in the country you live in, this isn’t a big deal?

Treat people how you'd like to be treated, OP..

I can kind of see why she didn’t feel an important enough friend for you to share something as important as a pregnancy. Who wouldn’t feel hurt?

You're a close friend and a bridesmaid. It's very odd you didn't tell her you were pregnant. I'd be devasted too.

This. And you didn't see your friends or family for nine months? And didn't think to tell them either? This is quite worrying behaviour, I think.

Didn't you go out for lunch with friends, movies, see family for nine months??

I was having troubles in the pregnancy and at one point thought the baby was going to be born with a disability

But you'd already decided not to tell her before this, so that's not the reason.

You say she never asked what was going on in your life, so she never said how are you in all the times you've talked?

Pregnancy aside, why not assert yourself and tell her how you felt about the friendship being one sided?

Also, if she's not so close, then why be bothered by her reaction, you seem to think she shouldn't be bothered by your lying by ommission but different rules for you.

As others have said, treat people how you'd like to be treated.
You laid your bed OP and she's entitled to be hurt.

Exactly. Your update still doesnt makes sense- you wanted a "quiet pregnancy"?- but what exactly were you expecting her to do- take a full page ad out in a national newspaper, put bunting around your house? You then paint her as being so self absorbed that she couldn't even be bothered to ask you how you were so why then would she make a huge fuss about you being pregnant if she's so self absorbed? makes no sense.

You also dont seem to like her very much so I am not sure what the problem is in the first place. You call her your best friend and then go on to describe her as selfish AF as a justification to hide the fact you've had a baby.

You clearly dont care about this woman and dont like her much so I am not sure why you are so bothered that she's now justifiably upset 🤷‍♀️

I didn't need to tell her my reasons. She didn't ask either. At the time I did what was right for me. I probably could articulate it more now but it isn't necessary. Friend and I are still close friends 21 years later. It had no affect on our friendship.

Very odd.
The op’s behaviour that is.
Probably for the best that you are no longer a bridesmaid.

That was very odd of you!

Your updates don’t make sense OP. You’re back pedalling massively here. So what if Sally would have told someone you don’t even know you were pregnant? How would that affect your life or stop you from focusing on the pregnancy? But at the end of the day it was your choice. I guess Sally shouldn’t feel too bad since you probably wouldn’t have even tell your own mother you were pregnant if she hadn’t found out. So I don’t think this was all about Sally.

But also You don’t like Sally very much, you say she’s a fair weather friend at best, you paint a picture of her being very self absorbed and very different to you. So I’m wondering why you wanted to be bridesmaid in the first place? Why would you continue a friendship where you don’t actually trust, or like the person very much? Now she’s freed you of the burden of her friendship. You should be pleased if anything.

Op one day when you wake up and realise you have no friends maybe you will reflect a bit more.

The only person who had behaved strangely and selfishly in this situation is you 🤷‍♀️

When Sally found out about the pregnancy she did make it all about her and how it would affect her wedding, it was never about not being told it was all about the wedding which wouldnt have been an issue as baby would be a year old at the time of the wedding, understandably he probably wouldnt have been included in the guest list which would have been fine as I had over a year to organise a babysitter.

I think after this happening and looking back on everything over the years and made me realise she was never the friend I thought she was, without going into too much outing detail life has always been about her snd sometimes that weighed heavy and I would need to take a step back.

During the bridsemaid picking process she mentioned that one of her other friends was far to fat to be a bridsemaid but has now picked this friend to fill my space, im honestly not mad about it but just for context shows the type of person she naturally is.

She wasn’t just a friend but your best friend. Every time you spoke over the past few months was kind of based on a lie. Doing anything nice this weekend? Errrm no. (Buying a cot). How are you? Fine… (awful indigestion, extremely uncomfortable, anxious about managing 4th child)
I understand delaying telling until 3,4 even 5 months gone but not telling at all? I’d be hurt as a best friend.

Maybe you are as crap friends as each other then. You are determined to make sally the villain here and it doesn’t change what you did.

OK, so Sally is shit. Got it.

Then why make the thread? You should be pleased someone you describe as so awful isnt speaking to you. What a gift!

It seems like its so hard to believe she never asked what i was doing or how I was, the calls lasted like 5/10 minutes at most they were always rushed as she was driving home from work or her partner had popped out etc so it was literally a case of her offloading anything in her life and bad mouthing other people.

It’s the fact that you say this went on for twenty years, and with someone you appear not to like!

Well with me being postpartum my hormones are all over the place and wasnt sure if how im feeling was ok, as I said if I went into full breakdown of everything prior to the baby story I would be here all day I tried to give a short enough post for people to get the gist but ive missed bits out and now adding them in im trying to "paint Sally the villian"

OP given that you clearly don’t like Sally at all, why are you bothered about the “friendship” ending, enough to make a post about it? Surely you’d be happy that your daily interactions with someone you dislike are finally over?

You did something weird. She reacted in a way you didn’t expect, which you must now realise (from this thread) is the way that most people would react. The friendship is over. You don’t like her, and you don’t really like having people in your life anyway, so all is good. Enjoy your new baby. Just don’t teach your kids that this is normal.

But you haven’t had postpartum hormones for the last twenty years! Why is someone you don’t like your only friend in the country you live in? Why were you meekly being a bridesmaid and having T-shirts made for the hen weekend of someone you don’t like?

You are dead set on refusing any accountability here. Sally is supposedly a friend of 20 years, yet it is only once she's upset that you decide its a one way relationship full of nasty bitchy rants. Why was none of that an issue before? If I had a friend saying horrible things and never asking how I was, I'd let them know I wasn't happy.

I can see why she's upset, she has thought this was a close enough friendship to ask you to be her bridesmaid, and is only now realising that she's the one to initiate the calls, she's the one sharing about her life.

Friendships need to be cultivated, and that includes holding each other accountable at times. You seem to have no interest in doing either - totally your choice but no wonder Sally is hurt.

Its probably for the best for both of you that this friendship has come to an end. Hopefully you have other friendships you can focus on.