Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

This doesn't explain anything.

Not telling people has zero to do with your "enjoyment" of your pregnancy.

And people knowing you are pregnant doesnt mean you need to update them on every health issue.
Everyone knew i was pregnant and I was in hospital 10 or so times and both me and DS were unwell post birth. I didnt get into it with everyone.

Bizarre on your part I'm afraid...

Weird. I don’t blame her for being a bit cheesed off TBH. Are you her friend or aren’t you?

My ex bf went mad into conspiracy theories during the run up to my wedding. We fell out but I dod give her the benefit of the doubt during the run up to my wedding. She didn’t do anything for it (was meant to be my moh). She never showed to get the dresses which meant a lot of adjustments. She made it all about her and was a shit bridesmaid. I don’t understand why you kept it secret.

Totally weird OP.

My daughter has just had this with one of her friends. It’s her second pregnancy and has only just let on at 20 weeks, despite telling her straight away after POAS the first time.

She has kept her distance and lied throughout. My daughter is very hurt and can’t understand it. There had been no fallout or anything other than passive aggressive memes about only mothers being able to understand posted on FB.

I wouldn’t want someone as a bridesmaid who wasn’t close enough to tell me they were pregnant. I prefer my friends to be people who like me and trust me.

I can't even wrap my head around the level of deception if its someone your close to and speak to everyday. A friend you only see and speak to once or twice a year, fine it wouldn't be unusual not to tell them if you haven't spoken/seen them, but a best friend who you talk to everyday? That would surely be more effort to conceal it rather than just tell them.

In this case, I can't see anything wrong with what your daughter's friend did. To be angry and pissed off with her, and 'let down' because her friend didn't tell her she was pregnant until 20 weeks is a big overreaction.

Your daughter is coming across as a bit precious and entitled I'm afraid.

The situation with the OP is different. She kept the pregnancy secret until after the baby was born, and she is meant to be her friend's maid of honour at her wedding. Not announcing a pregnancy until 20 weeks is perfectly acceptable. It's only half way through the pregnancy. If that.

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Nah, that's weird behaviour from you. She made her choice based on how she sees you now. I would have done the same, so I understand her.

I agree with the majority of others here OP.

If you are best friends with someone for 20 years, you speak everyday, I just don't understand why you wouldn't share that with her.

She must feel really, really hurt that you have kept such a big thing in your life totally secret from her, especially when she is including you in the big thing in her life.

I honestly just don't understand why you would not tell her?

Pregnancy is not “a surprise” for anyone other than immediate family. It’s odd behaviour to keep it secret even from your own mother. To maintain this even at the expense of seeing friends feels like controlling and attention seeking behaviour. Were you worried people wouldn’t care because it was your fourth baby so tried to get one over on them by withholding the information and being “different”? Were you jealous that your friend was getting more attention over her upcoming wedding and wanted to get back at her by not telling her? Presumably you must have lied at some point. Did your children know? Were they sworn to secrecy or were they also “surprised” by a new sibling they hadn’t had time to prepare for? It all sounds very messed up.

I’d definitely be hurt if I was in your friend’s position. Imagine she didn’t tell you she was getting married until four days after the wedding had happened, and then had the nerve to get cross with you for being upset!

I’d strongly recommend getting some counselling to try and unpick this and see whether there are some unhealthy underlying thinking patterns here that would benefit from being addressed.

If my friend had hidden her pregnancy from me, I would assume she doesn’t see me as a friend at all. I’d also cut cut with her, I’m afraid.

I’d be really hurt and confused. It’s such an odd thing to do.

The wedding is not the problem OP, it's very unusual to keep a pregnancy a secret and given the level of friendship you had, I think you would struggle to find anyone who wasn't hurt or upset their friend had kept something like this from them.
Whilst you feel you may have been justified, you have to accept that our actions have consequences and you don't get to control how anyone else feels about this, even if it was the right decision for you.
I would recommend you really sit with it and set down your defences and really consider how hurtful this must have been. Apologise to your friend and hopefully in time you can heal your friendship but unfortunately it will likely never be the same again.

This update sounds like you didn't see her as a friend at all. Why would you be in daily contact with a person you don't trust?

MN friendships are so strange to me.

I've never heard of anyone keeping a pregnancy secret from their friends and (most of) their family until after the baby was born. That's extreme, so it's not a complete surprise that you've had an extreme reaction from someone. Oh well! What's done is done.

This.

It’s very odd that she ends the calls abruptly when her partner returns. Is she not allowed to have friends? Could she be being abused? This is something I’d be worrying about.

Not telling people about your pregnancy is absolutely your choice, but that doesn't give you any control over how people feel about it.

Personally, I'd be quite hurt if a very close friend (which I assume you are, since you're her bridesmaid) kept her entire pregnancy a secret. That's the kind of thing people usually share with those close to them and it would change how I viewed the friendship.

Her reaction doesn't mean you were wrong for hiding it if that's what you wanted to do. But she's allowed to feel blindsided about it.

Some points to clear up

She referred to me as her best friend but we didnt actively see each other, the reason for mentioning Sally having a babysitter and liking a drink at the weekend was because this was things she done with other friends I was never invited no explanation but possibly because I didn't drink.

No im not in an abusive relationship, same fiance to all of my kids, no social work ever.

I decided to keep it a secret because as I said baby was my 4th I wanted to experience pregnancy differently, the first 12 weeks of not telling anyone feels special to me your in your little bubble and noone knows so I decided to continue that bubble until the birth.

I didnt actively avoid her for 9 months we didnt see each other, simply put there was no "do you want to catch up" etc.

I would have done anything for her, but it never felt like the feeling was mutual, I felt like more of a convient friend. The one who always answered the phone when she was driving to and from places, when she was nipping in to a shop etc.

she would make plans and go on trips with others but i was never invited or plans like this would never be arranged with me but i was still to be the "best friend".

I’ve seen some US videos where presumably families are living far away from each other. The couple turn up with a baby no one was expecting or the worst one I saw was a couple that were expecting twins but only told their families they were expecting a singleton. So basically produced the second baby like some fecking rabbit out of a hat (not literally!). It’s incredibly attention seeking and manipulative. It’s not how friends treat each other.

It's up to you to keep it quiet, however surely in 9 months of pregnancy you'd had to either avoid seeing her while showing, or at the least omit alot from conversational small talk about daily life and at most outright fib about things. Did you barely talk to her and see her for 9 months?

The bit about her putting the phone down when her I presume controlling partner comes in the room is a random addition, but the gist is if my best friend of 20 urs didn't tell me she was pregnant at all, even late on, I'd find it strange.

No way would I have as a bridesmaid someone who has deceived me and presumably not seen me for 6 months.
Your behaviour is at best ridiculous and odd.
I don’t blame her for binning you.

I wonder about some "who is in the wrong" posts. Surely, like this one, its not who is wrong and who is right. The OP made her choice and the bride reacted to that choice. Both are entitled to do what they did. Both are entitled to not like what the other did/said and to react to it.

edit: just seen your last post. Not even sure why you are giving this headroom.

I'm sorry but it is very unusual to hide a pregnancy in this way. If I was the friend I would have been hurt and confused too, and this might be the end of the friendship. There's no going back from your choice now.

She has overreacted but I'd be taken back if my friend concealed their pregnancy from me. It would make me feel I wasn't important to them, especially a fully grown adult who already had DC. I could maybe understand secrecy if it was a young/single mum who was struggling with the idea of having a child. I can't fathom why you would do it though, hiding away from everyone so they don't see your bump. It's really odd.