Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

You made a decision. Deal with the consequences of that decision. One of them is that your ‘best friend’ clearly now wonders whether she knows you at all, and thinks you don’t trust her.

I have no idea what relevance Sally’s use of babysitters, the fact that she drinks, and her ending calls to you when her partner comes home, or her choice of date for trying on dresses has.

It’s odder that you describe her as your best friend, and you clearly live close enough to one another to see one another casually to shop while your children were at school, but you didn’t see her at all for months during the later part of your pregnancy?

I think your behaviour was very odd indeed 😳 who keeps their pregnancy secret from their best friend??

If a close friend of mine kept a pregnancy secret from me until after the birth I would consider we weren’t really friends.

You could have told people you were pregnant but still kept private medical details private. Without any context it sounds quite attention seeking to do this on your 4th baby knowing it wouldn’t be a big deal to anyone else that you were pregnant again if they knew. This way just made a big deal out of it when you did reveal the baby

Gosh, I think it’s far odder than that. A party, whatever it’s for, is just a party, and if someone has chosen not to announce that it’s for their wedding in advance, I’d assume they just wanted it treated casually, as a party.

But to conceal your fourth pregnancy for the entire gestation, from a best friend you speak to almost daily, which must also have involved avoiding seeing them for months of being visibly pregnant, and then springing the existence of your newborn on them via video call, is a deeply peculiar decision. I think if a friend of mine did it, I’d worry that something was badly wrong.

Friend of mine has just done as you have

It’s fucking weird, and I don’t actually feel the same way about her anymore. I feel very hurt

It’s her call to have kept things quiet - it’s completely her choice. But it’s MY choice how I react to that, and I’m not being unreasonable to be upset

I'm with everyone else - keeping a pregnancy (especially your fourth) from your best friend seems very odd. I'd be hurt too and would wonder how you saw our friendship.

One of my oldest friends has recently done this. I have absolutely no idea why. I’m incredibly hurt and the friendship will never recover.

I find this really strange. If you are so close how did she not notice?? You must see her regularly?

No it isn't. OP didn't owe anyone information about her pregnancy, or to announce it before she was comfortable doing so.

How often do you keep a secret like that? Did you not see her for nine months? Properly odd behaviour I wouldn’t consider someone who kept an entire pregnancy Secret to be a close friend at all

So you think she’s indiscreet, incapable of keeping confidential information to herself, you disapprove of her using babysitters, and note that she badmouths the woman who replaced you as bridesmaid — is this another of that Mn phenomenon, having a ‘best friend’ you don’t appear to like very much?

Ridiculous take - all this tik tok theraspeak about not owing people things has for far too out of hand. You do actually owe people things if you want to maintain your relationships. If you don’t want to, by all means keep protecting your “boundaries”

It’s odd to keep your pregnancy a ‘surprise’ from your best friend and odd that you can’t see that or why that might upset her

its odd she made your announcement about her wedding.

it does sound like you weren’t very good friends anyway since you didn’t see each other much, communicate well, and don’t trust her and she was more bothered about her wedding than your baby.
are you sure she isn’t in an abusive relationship as well?

When you told people, were you recording their reactions?

It definitely feels like there are things missing from this. You didn’t want to tell anyone - why? Were you worried they would judge you for a 4th baby (in which case, they aren’t really your friend anyway)? Do you have a partner? Was the baby the result of an affair? Did you have reason to believe they would be worried about you and would have tried to talk you into an abortion? Are you in an abusive relationship? Have you had social services involved previously? Do you use drugs? Etc. If you were my friend, after the initial hurt that you hadn’t told me, I would start to worry about you and wonder if any of the above are true.

When did you last see your friend in person, and was it usual to go so long without seeing each other? If it was unusual, you did that deliberately. Only you know why.

Your friend is hurt. Really hurt. I think you owe her an apology and an explanation. And she should then apologise to you too. That’s the only way you can come back from this. She also needs to refund what you’ve paid for the hen do given she has uninvited you and not you deciding not to go.

Honestly, unless you’ve got a really good reason for not telling her, I think your friendship is over. And I can’t think of any reason that would mean I’d think a best friend was reasonable in deliberately hiding a pregnancy from me. I certainly wouldn’t feel like they were my friend.

I’ve never heard this take before. This seems like the opposite to attention seeking. They don’t want the build up or faff, or people to stress and worry. We didn’t do it but did consider it for this reason and I know a few people who have done it and they’re definitely not my attention seeking friends. The attention seeking ones are the ones giving you 3 years warning and build up events

I can understand not telling everyone under the sun to protect yourself many of my friends who didn't live nearby didn't know I was pregnant with DS2 until a birth announcement because we just didn't know what would happen due to multiple issues during pregnancy.

But at the same time if that was the case for you then you should have simply explained that there was too much on the go and the constant explaining is draining so you wished to protect yourself.

However she shouldn't be cutting you off if her focus was purely around the wedding.

This exactly

It's not a question of "owing" someone information, but friends usually share what's going on in their lives. It's part of the social connection and relationship you build together, being open and interested in each other.

Hiding a big life event like a pregnancy & birth puts a big question about trust and connection between you and is very distancing.

You can't expect a "best friend" to remain close if you decide to block them out.

'I also knew she wouldnt keep it to herself'

I presume after a certain point in the pregnancy, people would know anyway once you had a bump?

Are you saying in 9 months you didn't once see your best friend? Do you not live locally to each other?

You’re in the wrong and your judgment of your “friend” seeps from every paragraph - so what if she uses babysitters and drinks at the weekend?

This. You made this really bloody weird op.

Really odd.. your kid is important to you.. not everyone else. Why would you push a surprise agenda on everyone and expect everyone to fall at your feet?

Tou can't expect postpartum treatment when you've hid something for from what I've read, no apparent reason aside from a 'SURPRISE' and a bit of attention. You doing this has completely backfired on your point of 'taking it away from the Bride' as you think you've gleefully dropped this massive bomb and put all the attention on you.

It was odd to keep it a secret from her, you say your best friends but you didn’t see her for 9 months? All very strange behaviour op.