Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

This, some posters op may be interpreting as “angry” because they’re giving consideration to the feelings of the current partner who in all honesty is the only one who’s being treated poorly and should be feeling upset in my view.

You seem to be disappointed at the responses here OP. Were you hoping people would say go for it with your old friend?

So many of us have been where you are, found the love of your life you think but they've messed you about. Took me a while to realise mine wasn't the love of my life, just an opportunist.
If you were meant to be together, you would've been by now. No excuses for him, 2 years is a long time to risk not being with the person you want to be with. You could've married and had another child in that time.

Imagine leaving your current dp for this friend and 6 months later he gets cold feet again. How would you feel about losing your current dp? Because once you do that, you'll lose current dp forever and rightly so as he'll not trust you. Your friend isn't to be trusted, he's flakey and unreliable.
Take off your rose coloured glasses. If he really cared about you he would have asked just to have taken the relationship slowly back then (like you're doing now with your curent dp)and he wouldn't have been come back into your life now and messed with your head. I know its not what you want to hear but he's very selfish and immature.

Think they're angry with your friend, not you, for messing you about tbh. It's also sad that you're considering this when your dp hasn't done anything to deserve this.
It's a bit like seeing a member of your family or friend being taken advantage of and being angry on their behalf because he is taking advantage of you OP. It's because people care.

No need for genre snobbery. You might be surprised at the number of highly educated, intelligent and successful women who read romances.

I dont think you should necessarily stay with your current guy, as it's not fair on him if you're hankering after someone else and saying they are the love of your life. I'd have hated it if my late dh had been hankering after someone else and saying they were the love of his life

We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love

Why would that put people off a relationship? I've not heard of people avoiding a relationship because it would be real love. I dont doubt your feelings for him, but he only seems interested when your unavailable.

Would it help you to phrase this as 2 people who use each other to tend to their child hood wounds?
I would be surprised in 3 years of therapy this hasnt cropped up?

Hes using you to tend and maintain his wounds,not heal them and you are doing the same.

Im guessing emotionally absent parent/s

The reason its so intoxicating is because it feels right, safe and that he understands but
Its actually a repeat of patterns in your childhood
We try to replicate those patterns in the hope that finally it will be resolved but of course it never will because the need for those patterns is unhealed and wont go away .
Its not love, its unhealed wounds

Yout therapist can help you with this

He’s an absolute shit
he isn’t in love with you he’s just messing you about
if he was in love with you you’d be together and he’s a cruel bastard for stringing you along and now coming back again when you’re in a relationship

Just checking OP,
Is old flame in need of somewhere to live?
Does he have a job?
Is he financially solvent?

Just checking he hasn't popped up because he needs something from you.

I agree

The op has said it's a man, 'he', you are making it sounf as though there are several :-).

Ps forgot to add

" Favourite person" is a term used for intense , obsessional, unstable relationships usually associated with BPD/ C-PTSD so it might be helpful to stop using it.

No anger from me, Pnk, just sympathy. You haven't done anything wrong, are just experiencing a lot of emotions.

Much depends on what you want, long term. Do you want to live with someone again, have him be with you all the time when not at work, sharing domesticity? If you do, you must be very careful with your choice. If you don't, why not see both for a while, spending more time with each, and carefully assess the situation.

What the sex is like, though not the only factor, is terribly important too but remember, that can fade once the novelty wears off.

You have to be sensitive to your children too, don't confuse or embarrass them.

I'm just going to wish you good luck but, above all, have some fun and excitement.

Sorry OP I can’t resist but

are you called Cathy and this friend called heathcliffe and you were brought up at wuthering heights? Because is reads a bit like that 😂

This guy is a complete bullshitter and flakier than a croissant. I guarantee he is drawn to you like catnip because you are happy and settled. “Frightened because it was real love”? Please.

Based on my experience with men like this, and yes, plural, he will pull away the second things start to get even slightly tough. He will also drag you down from the pedestal he created for you in his own mind. His threshold for “tough” will be something as small as your first minor disagreement. You will think little of it, while he interprets it as a disaster and uses it as a reason to start withdrawing. Then he will keep bringing it up again and again.

And once you have broken up, he will start messing with your head. Expect messages like “miss you” or “can’t stop thinking about you,” even though he treated you badly and walked away.

Honestly, OP, you sound a bit emotionally unavailable yourself. I understand the pull of “what if” with someone from your twenties, but by this stage in life, emotionally healthy people tend to see this behavior for what it is. They would roll their eyes, send a polite “thanks, but no thanks,” and then ask their partner what they want for dinner.

But my friend is the love of my life, we just match.

Well evidently not because neither of you wanted to go there and then when you briefly did, he couldn't handle it.

The sweetest fruit is the one you never get to taste. You have built this entire thing up in your head as a true love that would sweep everything away despite you two making every choice to avoid it and marrying/committing to other people. That's why it seems so perfect; it never happens and you both try to ensure it never happens. He had his chance, declines, then comes back when you're committed elsewhere?

I think you are both hooked on drama (that can be a trauma response) and building this thing up into something it can only ever be theoretically. There's something adolescent about the whole thing. How sustainable is it going to be when it's endless high drama, true love and fear of falling?

You see it as this holy grail of true love but all
your actions, your choices, for both of you, tell a different story.

Very good questions…

Re giving it a go.

Unfortunately there's some people who won't listen to the advice and always have a grass is greener mentally because they are chasing a happily ever after.

The only way they can resolve it is by making the same mistake over and over until they eventually hit utter rock bottom.

The OP needs to recognise the pattern and break the cycle before it breaks you.

And write them! Brief examples..
Jane Austen
• Charlotte Brontë
• Emily Brontë
• Anne Brontë
• Elizabeth Gaskell
• George Eliot
• Frances Burney
• Georgette Heyer

Nope nope nope. Avoidant man will ruin your life

I feel like I’ve been alone my whole life. I give all my time to the kids, much more than when I was married and my husband took up lots of my attention. Every evening I am there at 3 (juggling my ft job) to do clubs, homework, we spend all weekend and holidays together. My current DP comes over once a week, occasionally twice.

I think the first line of this shows the tendency for romantic angst. You've been far from alone, between your husband, your kids, your current DP and all the partners before including this favourite person who was your DP for a year. You may have some feeling of being alone, which may just be the human condition, but it's not some aching chasm of lack of love that this favourite person will fix. You already have a lot of love in your life by the sounds of it and could be happy if you keep at the therapy and keep in the moment valuing what you have rather than romanticising what you lack, which would likely never make you happier.

Glad you seem to be making what feels like the right decision, and if this guy really cared about your happiness he'd back off and not mess with your head and heart like this. Stop thinking about abstract chats and hugs with him and balance that with how he hurt you, how you ghosted him, all those very unromantic and unappealing aspects that belie the romantic fantasy version.

I’ve been involved before with someone who blew hot and cold and only seemed to show real interest when I was with someone else. When I was actually available I became less interesting to him. He strung me along something terrible and I worry this guy will be the same and only hurt you.
If you were single I would be advising to at least take it slow with this guy so you can see if he’s really changed and build trust. But obviously in order to do that you’d have to dump the current guy and take a bit of a risk. Potentially to end up alone in the end. Only you can decide if it’s worth the risk.

This stuck out to me. If you're with DP but pining to be with old friend then I don't think DP is the right one for you. You say he's not second best - but you're longing for someone else. If you were with the right person then that wouldn't be happening IMO.

I don't think you're over old friend and unless you scratch that itch you're always going to be wondering and having regrets. I think it will either be the best decision you ever made or it will be a complete and utter disaster - but I think you have to end things respectfully with your DP and see where it goes. It's not fair on DP to be longing for someone else and ending up spending the rest of your life wondering if you made the wrong decision and missed out.

He's not your best friend, he's someone you've had romantic feelings for for years. You had a sexual relationship with him when he was still married then he pulled back. He's avoidant.

But you guys never really got together as a couple because he pulls back. Being frightened of love, I say bullshit because you both got married and had relationships with other people. He blows hot and cold with you because you let him. He backs off, you block him, then go back for more. It sounds like you're recreating what you saw in your childhood relationships with this man and it doesn't sound healthy from the outside.

I'd be wondering about his job and is he looking for a place to live myself.

I’m reading a number of things:

1. you have both been in long term commited relationships. So the idea of childhood trauma affecting a possible relationship between you is BS.
2. He has declared his love to you on moments when you are unavailable to him /in a committed relationship. Personally I see that as a red flag. Saying you are his “real love” when you’ve never been together is creepy (gives me stalker vibes tbh). And coming back now and telling you you’re the one, when you’re in a relationship, is so disrespectful of your relationship. He’s just trying to sabotage your relationship.
3. He ran off when you were available. See point 1. It has nothing to do with his childhood. It has everything to do with point 2. He enjoys manipulating and controlling you.
4. You did not want a relationship with him when you were younger. There is a reason for that. Clearly he creeped you out somehow at the time as you stepped away from the friendship for a while. Listen to that gut instinct.
5. You are in a relationship with mr Now, yet are “pining for” mr Creep. That says a lot about your relationship. You are allowing yourself to think mr Creep is The One, but the past has proven the opposite (see point 4). The real issue is your feelings for mr Now have diminished and you are unconsciously looking for a way out. Be honest with mr Now about your feelings for him. And step away from mr Creep, he is not the friend you think he is, he is a manipulator and quite controlling.
6. This whole “pining for” someone who’s basically fucking with your feelings suggests you might have low self esteem. Why would you want to be with someone who behaves like this?