Favourite person returned, but I’m in a committed relationship, what shall I do?

[PinkLipsticks]

This is very tricky and will make me seem like a bad person, but I really need some advice. I’m divorced in my 40s with teenage kids.

Throughout life I’ve had a male best friend who I’ve been extremely close to. We cared about each other as more than friends, but always decided not to go there. It was frightening, I suppose, because it would be real love. We had relationships, got married, now divorced. When our marriages were ending we tried it out and it was marvellous, however he said he wasn’t ready and really pulled back. That hurt me, though I understood: he was only just moving out, etc. We went no contact for a while, and I drew a line under it in my head to protect my feelings. I met someone else, a really lovely man who I’m now in a relationship with (for about a year and a bit).

However, my friend has now returned. He apologised for leaving, saying that the feelings were so deep it was a bit frightening to him. It’s very obvious we still love each other. I don’t know what to do. I’m in a very nice, committed relationship with someone I care about deeply. But my friend is the love of my life, we just match. It feels so dishonest and shallow to leave my relationship in which there are no problems, really unfair on my DP, as he’s done nothing wrong. I haven’t done anything yet, it’s just really troubling me. Does anyone have any advice? What is the best moral way to handle this?

I don’t believe in the “friend”. That’s dramatic crap. You find the perfect person and decide to move to more than friends but it was too much? That’s not how humans work. People don’t walk away from everything they want out of fear. It’s a thing of fiction. I’d be careful. I’d also ditch the boyfriend if he’s second best, that’s not fair on him.

OP I think that if your feeling are this strong for each other then why not just give it a proper try.

You’ve been with your new partner little over a year, and that’s nothing in the grand scheme of life. Just explain to him that you have these feelings for the other man and you can’t ignore them and you’re potentially making a mistake but you need to know. You’ve been through divorce before, breaking up with a man you’ve been with for a short period won’t be as hard as that. I think if you stay with him you’re going to just keep comparing him to the ‘love of your life’ and might just end up miserable or having an affair either physically or emotionally.

If in a years time it turns out the love of your life isn’t all you hoped he would be, then you just start again. There’s a good chance this will be the outcome for reasons other people have said but they don’t know him like you do and you’re better placed to judge him than anyone else. I’d weigh up the pro and cons if you can live with the worse case scenario then I’d say just go for it. Life’s too short. Hope things work out x

People don’t walk away from everything they want out of fear.

Yep this is true. I've never heard of a lottery winner walking away from their million pound win because the thought of it is "too scary" and its "too perfect".

I agree with this.

I dont think your friend is the love you think he is but I think you need to try it and get it out of your system. If it ends in tears at least you'll know for sure. I also think your current partner deserves better and to be with someone who truly loves him.

People get angry on MN, take it with a pinch of salt.

When did he come back? If it was yesterday, give it time and see if the initial thrill wears off once you've processed the news. If it was a month or two ago and you're still calling him the love of your life despite being in a relationship, I would give it a go, tbh.

Your current partner would be devastated of course but I think you'll always wonder what if about your friend, and it's a bit unfair on your current partner anyway that your heart is somewhere else.

I wasn’t doing genre snobbery, sorry I was just talking completely straightforwardly. I can see my way of talking is making me come across wrong. Thanks to all who have given useful advice.

I understand how you have time to think about such things. You need a rich, interior life to cope with the every day responsibilities and mundanity. It's an escape.

Now I have read that your current boyfriend comes over once a week, maybe twice. That leaves you with other evenings. What time do your children go to bed?

You could give it a go and boyfriend does not need to know.

Sounds like you have both mucked each other about at stages. I'd say do it but be totally aware you may end up single. It's not like you even know what it's like to properly be together. BUT if you feel this strongly about him it's wrong to stay with your current partner. Not fair on him, can't keep him hanging around as 2nd best.
So may as well just do it.

You could give it a go and boyfriend does not need to know.

@LBFseBrom seriously?? You think this how she'll know if it's true love or not? By cheating on her nice trusting DP? Yeah that definitely won't fuel the angst!

And after you've done this, OP, you should post a dead squirrel to each boyfriend, together with a note reading, "This squirrel died but my love for you never will." It's the only way to test who truly loves you.

I don’t want any drama— the opposite. I like things to be calm.

Better to stick with the nice guy then, but not if you don't really want him. If that's the case, then better to be alone. I don't see things with this past guy being calm.

A man who runs when shit gets real will not be the kind of man who takes care of you when you are ill, or old, or bereaved.
He’s a Peter pan OP

Then stay far away from this 40-something teenager.

Real love isn’t complicated.

If it was going to work with your friend it would have worked the first time.

He just doesn’t like seeing you in a committed relationship and needs to know he still has the power. This may not even be conscious on his part.

Don’t lose a good man for someone who has never committed to you. If he liked it he would have put a ring on it.

You have to commit to one or the other. You can’t stay with your partner and continue seeing and pining for your old friend. If you chose your partner I think for fairness you need to cut your old friend off, knowing you’re in love with him.

Alternatively give it a go so you have no life regrets. You must then accept you could be on your own and you lose your partner.

We all have '1 that got away op ' it doesn't mean they are mr right though. Inconsistency isn't good ...its the start of bad things.

Im going to fo against what most peaple are saying and say go for it or you are only going to keep pinning and wondering what if . The relationship you are in is only just over a year and if you was that into him your head wouldn't be tured, so I think you should split up and go with who you really want to be with .

I think you should go for it because

1. you only live once and who wouldn’t want to be with the love of their life
2. you clearly aren’t 100% in to your current partner because you wouldn’t look at anyone else if you were

3.I’m guessing if your current partner knew about this he would end things, because who wants to be with someone that is considering leaving them for the “love of their life”

Walk away from your current relationship and let him find someone who thinks of him as the love of their life.

Also, if you’re going to stay with him, it would be very unfair to continue to be friends with the other guy. You will always wonder what if.

Don't do it my SIL did it didn't end well , not only did she lose her boyfriend but her best friend all in one and she seriously regretted crossing that line .

This actually happened with me and my now husband. He got into a relationship with me when he had barely left the old one and it lasted six months. He ended things, coming back nearly three years later. Been together 20 years now.

Our “first” relationship was just too much too soon.

Been there, tried it, it was awful. Agree with pps who said if he was that bothered he’d have stayed before & worked it out.

He may just not have the people skills to be able to work it out (or that might just be my experience) I thought I really did know him but I really didn’t. Thought there was more to him (that only a partner would see). There wasn’t. He could keep that covered up for so long, but not forever in an actual relationship.

So I am going to go against the grain of this thread.

My husband and I met Christmas 2019 and then for the first 6 months of 2020 he on again off again and ghosted me. I had enough in July and stopped responding. Despite feeling at a very visceral and gut level this was my soul mate. He came back in December of 2020 a different man. Someone who had identified his chaos and started to do serious work on himself, he now would say that meeting me was scary as he knew if he wanted to be with me he was going to have to grow up and stop acting the lad and get his life together. That emotional awareness and communication work continued and still continues to this day. He’s a fantastic spouse and father to our newborn and we have a really happy relationship.

However he took 6 months to figure this out. It seems it’s taken your gentleman a lot longer.

if you were to lose your relationship with your current partner today would you grieve the loss? It’s not fair to be with someone and not be equally committed. So perhaps you need to let this partner go, even if it doesn’t work out with your old friend

Whatever you decide to do with this friend, please leave your partner. He deserves more than to be second best (and there'll be someone out there wanting to meet someone just like him).

If you do pursue things with your friend, I'd proceed with extreme caution as he sounds like an overgrown teenager. However, possibly pursuing things will enable you to get things out of your system once and for all and to give you a more realistic perception of this person.

If you don't pursue things, being single and holding out for someone who excites you just as much is the other option. I'd recommend therapy too, but I know it's not affordable for everyone.

But please, don't settle for this partner who clearly doesn't excite you. Do the kind thing for him but also for you and let him go.