To ignore worrying DH ChatGBT conversations

[PlantKiller1]

H and I dont really love each other. Like roommates. We are drifting further amd further apart. We have tried therapy. Didn't work. My kids are v young and ive actually been saving £ in the hope of leaving by the end of the year

He has been more distant than usual. Saying intense things about time and physics when im trying to do regular stuff like cook dinner

I was just on his computer and went to look something up on chatgbt and realised I cpuld see all his chats. And I looked at some of them im afraid

Plenty saying how frigid, cold and career driven i am and how he wants to leave the home for 3 months. Which doesn't surprise me. But other more worrying stuff. One of them being "why do celebrities alwsys do satanic hand gestures" and then questions like "is time linear" "did aliens build the pyramids" and some race theories i cant repeat.

He will say he's just "interested". But he's been withdrawn and distracted recently. Severe mental illness in his family. A close relative lives in supported living because of severity

I dont know what to do. I dont love him. Hes not v nice to me. We havw little in common. But im not sure he's well. But also how can I leave now? My kids might not be safe. I think the stress of divorce might really push him over the edge

Can I just try to forget it? Do I need to do something? He once said some really weird intense stuff a year ago about universes and I ended up calling the GP who told me "disordered thinking" was super common and nothing they could do

both celebrity satanic hand gestures and aliens building pyramids were mentioned in the Louis Theroux Manosphere doc - has he watched that in the last week?

It’s hardly that simple. She has to convince others he’s ill. The GP already brushed her off. He will have sole care of the children at times.

No he just has to be ill. OPs first post sounded as if he wasn’t. Later posts suggest he is. But he needs assessed by a mental health professional.

What about lying in bed during the daytime shouting at himself, threatening self-harm and telling OP he won't survive if she leaves him? Does everyone on the Manosphere have a strong family history of severe schizophrenia?

He believes his wife hates him and the world's full of "them" trying to misdirect and deceive insightful people like himself. I wouldn't put money on him agreeing to a mental health assessment suggested by his wife ...

AutismPosts's husband has been in a psychiatric hospital for a month and is still delusional. It's a pity her first thread's gone, @PlantKiller1, as his symptoms were quite similar before they rapidly escalated.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5494388-my-husband-was-sectioned-follow-up-thread

Best thing about ChatGPT is that it’s not a real person so you can chat shit that you can’t really talk to people about in real life. Just yesterday I asked ChatGPT if it thinks dogs are just reincarnated people - i don’t really believe that, I was just bored.

In the past few weeks I’ve asked it if it’s possible we could really be living in the matrix, what would be the best way to fight off a polar bear and could you domesticate a crocodile 🤷‍♀️

Oh - and “if I train religiously for a whole year and Tyson Fury doesn’t train at all and sits and eats pizza all day everyday - could I as a 45 year old woman with no previous fight experience win him in a fight”

Apparantly the chances would be slim

Took the words out of my mouth!

But he needs assessed by a mental health professional.

Yes. But the snag is, in OP's situation, that's easier said than done. He doesn't tick enough boxes (yet) to arouse much interest. Honestly, if I didn't have direct experience of this sort of thing myself I would have gone on believing that when someone is clearly mentally unwell you'd be able to access help for them. It doesn't seem to work like that. Even after ex-DP tried to kill someone, no one did a proper MH assessment as far as I can tell. He was released on bail and limped on through life causing mayhem, ending up in jail a few years later for another crime. I assume he's now released (I carefully erased myself from his map) and still living in paranoid isolation, cooking up who knows what crazy plans.

The other snag is that OP can't sit down and discuss anything with him. It is not like having a rational conversation with someone of sound mind. She can't mention her wanting to leave - last time she attempted this, he kicked off for 48 hours with utter chaos, and the outcome might be even worse now that he has deteriorated. She can't gently suggest that he seek help, because as far as he is concerned he is the only person seeing things clearly. The minute you do that, you become their enemy (if not already), and with someone suffering paranoid delusions that is really, really not a good idea.

So, the usual rules about getting help for your DH for some other kind of illness, or talking through plans for the future, simply don't apply unfortunately.

OP, I can't help thinking of the Al-Anon saying - "You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it." It's not your job to make him well again; even the professionals may find that difficult. Your #1 priority, and the only feasible thing in your situation, is to safeguard yourself and your children while disrupting his perception of home life as little as possible.

And trust your instincts. No external agency would have taken this seriously, but I'll never forget the look I saw on ex-DP's face as I left the room one evening. I just happened to glance over my shoulder and see a slow, cold sneer that sent a chill down my spine. During his court case (which I did not attend), it emerged that he had a mountain of scribbled notes focused on his plans for dealing with me.

OP, you're carrying a huge burden of responsibility for everyone's safety and well-being. When you're living with someone losing their grip on reality, it's easy to feel like you’re the only thing standing between stability and chaos, and the very idea of leaving seems like pouring petrol on a fire.

I expect this whole situation has increasingly isolated you over the years. Don't struggle to tackle this alone.

Please reach out for emotional and practical support wherever you can find it. Your GP was spectacularly unhelpful, but you can speak to other services just to get advice and talk things through. Such as:
A different GP/practice
The safeguarding lead at your children's school (or health visitor?)
Women's Aid
A family solicitor - e.g. to advise on what evidence is useful and how supervised contact works
Local NHS Mental Health Crisis team
Or even the NSPCC

Focus on asking for guidance and support, not a diagnosis (e.g. "I'm worried about my partner’s mental state. I'm not asking you to assess him, just trying to understand what steps I should take to keep things safe and stable for the children"). Calmly describe the behaviours you're seeing and ask what they would suggest someone in your situation does next. Hopefully, your options may not be as limited as you fear ("staying put" vs "handing the DC over unsupervised").

I know you already know this, but whatever you do, don't confront him or tell him you’re seeking advice. He won't show any insight or cooperation, in fact is likely to show the opposite. And don't feel bad about this: it's not about deception - it's about minimising the chance of triggering a volatile reaction that could have serious consequences.

Oh and your local MIND might have a crisis helpline:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

You can not stay in a relationship where you are this unhappy!…. His mental health is not your concern… save up and leave asap… apply for a divorce and IF this affects his mental health negatively you inform the relevant services and step away and stop contact with the children until he is deemed mentally stable.
You leave to keep yourself and your children safe… some have suggested women’s aid for advice, it’s worth asking them for other support contacts to discuss keeping yourself and your children safe! Please do not stay in a toxic environment with your children, this is doing them more damage than you realise!
AFTER you’ve left contact his family, adult social services, his GP etc and tell them you’ve left and have concerns for his mental well-being but couldn’t stay any longer…if he’s abusive look into a women’s refuge ? I believe the GP or women’s aid will help with this, they’ll help you find accommodation and apply for benefits till you find your feet… do you have friends or family that can help? Can help store things you don’t want to leave behind?

Trust your instinct, but please don’t stay in an unsafe / toxic environment .. his health comes after your safety and after your children’s welfare.
Gather evidence of his mental health and your concerns and insist on supervised visitation … move out of the area if you have links else where?…
how likely is he to go for 50/50? If you live a fair distance away courts wouldn’t grant this anyway as it will be disruptive for the kids, Interfere with attendance to nursery / school etc… and often fathers can’t be bothered to maintain contact if it involves any effort from them anyway….
I was always so worried that if I split from exH he’d move back to his families 300 miles away then insist on driving DC up there for weekends and holidays and I hated that idea as he drives so fast and recklessly… in 4 years he’s seen her twice… once coming down for a day and travelling back the next… and the other time we went to him and made a mini break out of it… and of the time we were staying nearby he collected DC and spent a few hours with them, dropping back before tea time!! Which I hadn’t prepared for as expected him to at least feed them.. so I then had to throw together a meal..
Maybe move far enough away that contact is possible but difficult, then you can arrange to meet somewhere halfway and hang around…like ‘let’s meet at X zoo and you can see kids and I’ll be around but take a back seat ?? At least till kids are a bit older and he’s hopefully more stable!

Why don’t you sit him down (maybe have someone else present too) and ask him if he’s happy, ask him how he’d feel about temporarily separating as a trial..
do you think he’d also feel relieved that you’d taken that decision or will he be annoyed that it wasn’t his idea?? (Is he controlling and it has to be on his terms?)

please phone a DA service and ask them to do a risk assessment with you, they’ll tell you if you qualify for refuge or other help

This was mentioned briefly by one of the influencers on the Louis Theroux Manosphere documentary. Maybe he's seen it on there or on somewhere else on social media and was curious about it?

I’m sure I’ve seen MN add a prompt to ‘read OP’s updates’ to the title when the thread has moved on, but too many posters are repeatedly weighing in with irrelevant or inappropriate advice after only reading the first post.

If the ‘just sit him down and talk to him’, ‘actually [insert conspiracy theory here] is true and you’re crazy for not believing it’, and ‘well I search weird things on ChatGPT so you’re overreacting’ posts are upsetting, frustrating, or just too bloody derailing, it might be worth asking if they could do the same for yours?

Thanks for the supportive messages. I will take it all on board. I have my own income, i manage all the finances, I also work flex etc. I know i could go it alone. If someone could guarantee my kids wont be harmed, id have gone years ago. I'll speak to ppl who can help. Ive gotta try.

You will ALWAYS get people disbelieve you, years ago I had a very mentally abusive relationship, he controlled and coerced me, gaslit me at every turn… I don’t know if I’d have ever left because I felt trapped their by my own insecurities of failing (parents and siblings all in long term relationships)… eventually he ended our relationship and I felt so god damn relieved to be free I can’t even express it…. I’ve recently supported a friend through something called the freedom program…. And despite initially only attending to support her, I ended up staying for the 12 weeks and there so much in the course that I didn’t even realise was relevant to me! I’m still having light bulb moments realising the things I’d normalised were actually abuse/red flags….
My own mother though holds the belief that I should have tried harder, that he was ‘JUST’ insecure or jealous and that it was right that I had to change so much of myself (apparently that’s compromise and the fact women can’t do that these days is why so many marriages fail!!)… I have really struggled over the years with this… being made to feel like it’s my fault!….
PLEASE call a domestic abuse line and discuss all of this with them….
its validating just to talk to someone who understands and actually believes you!!

Have you read the thread? You might think you’re being amusing but you are minimising what the op is experiencing and are well on the wrong track here.

How do the kids feel about him OP? Are they afraid of his behaviour? Is that why they stick to you like glue? Because if that's the case don't you think that's damaging them?

His chat gpt questions are the least of your worries. I look up crazy theories online too!

I'm so pleased to hear this, OP. Tiny steps, one at a time, starting tomorrow, and hopefully by this time next year your (and your children's) world will have improved beyond recognition.

Imagine a life where you're not scared of someone, not tiptoeing around on eggshells. Have you ever actually experienced that?

I had such a textbook abusive first marriage that if I were a fly on the wall now, I'd just think it was some kind of exaggerated satire/comedy sketch. Then a series of increasingly "out of the frying pan, into the fire" relationships, including the ex-DP I've talked about on this thread.

Sometimes it takes years for us to understand how to grant ourselves the life we deserve. I got there in the end, but it took me half a century! However, I do want to assure you that happiness beyond all this misery is possible. One day you'll be so proud of yourself for digging your way out of this horrible situation and embracing life in all its joy.

I was watching Breaking Bad and asked a lot of drug questions, I was wondering why they put cotton in the liquid before pulling it into the needle.
then I went on to ask a lot more questions, it was interesting.

No I am not planning on doing drugs, but my questions may look like i was trying to get tips.

I was just interested, I like to know things.

There has been a huge amount of kindness on this thread in between the people telling me I just dont appreciate my open minded free spirited husband!

Thank you @Beachtastic this is particularly lovely. Just in the way you say ill be proud of myself for digging myself out of it...I often think of the deep deep regret I know I will feel if im here in 20 years. Thank you. Im gonna really try and get myself out of this.

i was trying to learn forensic science and some details if chat thinks its omg then it closes the conversation chat

I agree. Women have been expected to do whatever keeps men happy. I've done the freedom programme, and another brilliant course is Own My Life. It opens your eyes to how toxicity exists throughout society against Women. It even highlights what rights we were given and some of them weren't long ago. In some countries rape is still legal in a marriage. Please be strong, but plan carefully to make sure you are safe. It is awful, but when they lose control things can get harder. It is wise to go somewhere he doesn't know incase he stalks you.