Is my relationship toxic or am I the problem?

[ConfusedMum1806]

This is a long read - forgive me. I’ve had to ask ChatGPT to redact 14 pages of concerns I have about my relationship to make it mumsnet friendly.

I’m 29 with an almost 3 year old girl with another girl due in August. Partner 43 and also has teenage daughter.

Summary for Advice (Relationship + Disneyland Issue)
I’m currently debating therapy with my partner of 4 years whilst trying to understand whether my relationship is healthy/fixable or if I’m being unreasonable/the relationship is too toxic and I should leave for my children’s wellbeing.
Core issues in the relationship

• Communication breakdown:
• Any attempt to discuss concerns often escalates into arguments or shouting. I feel unable to revisit topics without being accused of manipulating him. I’m often interrupted, dismissed, or the conversation gets turned back onto him.
• Verbal abuse & disrespect:
• During arguments he calls me degrading names, mocks me for crying, and says I “love being the victim.” This has really affected my confidence and makes me feel emotionally unsafe.
• Emotional invalidation:
• My feelings are regularly dismissed as “dramatic” or “wrong.” I’m often told I twist things or exaggerate. Over time this has made me doubt my own judgment.
• Threats & intimidation:
• He has said things like I could “push him to hurt me,” and has even said he wanted to strangle me during an argument. I feel anxious about his temper.
• Physical incident:
• While pregnant, he repeatedly tapped my face after I asked him to stop, and when I pushed him away, he twisted my wrist.
• Control & ultimatums:
• He gives ultimatums (e.g. threatening to end the relationship or make me a single mum). I feel like I need permission to see family or do things independently.
• Isolation:
• He criticises my family and friends, which makes me second-guess their advice and withdraw from them.
• Parenting & household imbalance:
• I do most of the childcare and household work. He contributes inconsistently and says traditional gender roles apply, despite me also working.
• Financial imbalance:
• He says he “provides everything,” but dismisses my contributions (including childcare, money I’ve lent him, and things I’ve paid for).
• Impact on me:
• I feel anxious, on edge, isolated, and constantly second-guessing myself. My confidence has dropped significantly.

Disneyland Issue (Main Trigger for Therapy)

• My mum offered to take me and my daughter to Disneyland before I have my second child.
• I felt anxious telling my partner because of past conflicts around “family vs him” and “first experiences.”
• When I raised it, it quickly turned into an argument:
• He said going would be disloyal and taking away his “firsts” with our daughter.
• He gave an ultimatum—saying it’s my choice but clearly the “wrong” one.
• He refused to discuss compromises.
• This is despite:
• Him previously saying he’s unlikely to fly.
• Him never taking his older child abroad.
• I feel:
• Torn between giving my daughter opportunities and keeping the relationship.
• Guilty for even considering going.
• Like any decision I make will be framed as wrong.

What I’m struggling with

• I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is controlling/abusive behaviour.
• I worry I’ve lost perspective and confidence in my own judgment.
• I’m concerned about the environment this creates for my children.
• I feel stuck between:
• Doing what’s best for my daughter
• Avoiding conflict or relationship breakdown

What I need advice on

• Is this behaviour normal or does it sound abusive/controlling?
• Am I wrong to consider taking my daughter to Disneyland without him?
• How would others handle this situation?
• At what point do you accept things won’t change?

My partner will obviously have his side of things which is just as important, but I’m wanting to know if my side of things is enough justification to walk away, or if I’d be abandoning him and raising my children in a broken family unit (which he says is awful to do) if I could’ve prevented this.

OP - you need to stop worrying about his feelings and about whether you will be 'the bad guy'. Nope, the bad guy is the person verbally and physically abusing their partner. Not the person trying to get away from their abuser. He lost the right to expect you to consider his feelings when he decided to abuse you.

The fact that you a) thought you might be unreasonable to leave him and b) still feel guilty about the idea of upsetting him is very, very worrying. Did you have an abusive upbringing? If not, it's hard to imagine how you could possibly not see what a vile, dangerous man he is.

This was very triggering given how delicate this situation is for my little girl - please give warning next time

Thank you for this - He has been home tonight for the first time in days and has completely ignored me, despite me offering him something to eat whilst I was cooking. He had a bath and has gone back out. Surely an abuser would react, respond, communicate? I’m starting to worry he’s just broken, as my thoughts are a dangerous abuser would want to be present as much as possible, not completely ignore the victim’s ’olive branches’ to make home life comfortable whilst we’re both here with our daughter and leave the house? Or am I wrong?

If you aren’t already familiar with it, look up the script on mumsnet. This is a common pattern of behaviour. When the abuser feels like they are losing control they start love bombing, reel you back in, and so the cycle repeats. It’s difficult because you want to make it work, you want to keep the family unit together but these people don’t change. Contact a group that provide support for emotional abuse. There is likely to be some waiting time. You don’t need to rush everything today but talking to an unbiased professional will definitely help clear your head a bit.

OP again, court of law and social services will look at WHO PROTECTED THE CHILD.

you must leave.
pack a bag.
dont tell him.
and go.

OP please listen to us THIS IS TEXTBOOK ABUSE.
not a nice man with a dash of abuse
not a lovely partner and father with a sprinkling of abuse.
this is abuse cycles.
funny how he was crying to mummy but stonewalls you.
its all a game.

your responsibility is to your children first and only.

do not expose your child and unborn child and your poor pregnant self to anymore of this.

this man is a horrendously dangerous abuser.

im a therapist and i am counselled so so many victims of DV.

Giving you spaghetti head is exactly what these types of abusive man do to their chosen target in this case you.

He is still being abusive towards you op and his silent treatment is part of that dynamic. That is an example of emotional abuse from him.

Its over between you two and your own recovery from his abuses of you will only properly start when you are apart completely with none of this coming and going from him, He’s treating this house like a hotel and you are under no obligation to feed him.

You should not have bothered offering him something to eat. He’s showing you exactly how much power and control he has by coming and going as he pleases, you have no say at all.

Do stop thinking of him as broken because that implies he can be fixed. This is deep within his psyche and he will not change. He cannot be fixed and this is who he really is. He feels totally entitled to treat you like this and feels he has done nothing wrong re you here.

He will destroy both you and your child from
the inside out emotionally if you stay with him
for your own reasons. You have a choice re this man snd your dd does not.

Just leave. He's awful. Go to your mum. Dont look back. He treats you like shit. Its abuse! Good luck 😍

This comment has really helped. Is there anyway I can reach out to you directly to talk to you? I’m interested that you’re a qualified counsellor and have this view, I clearly need direction

I didnt get half way down the list before deciding this is a very abusive toxic relationship. You really do need to start taking steps to end it.

You have a limited understanding of the wide range of forms abuse can take. Not a criticism, so did I. I thought it was only abuse if he was yelling at me or degrading me.

I didn’t realise that silent treatment, acting like I didn’t exist, twisting situations to play the victim, triangulating others against you (exactly what has happened with his mum and your family), etc were all also forms of abuse (and much harder to see clearly).

This is NOT a good man. A man who was desperate to fix his family would not be ignoring you and running off. He’d be trying to communicate and see your side of things too. He’s just acting like a victim to his mum (who, sorry, you should not trust or confide in as she’s going to take his side) to get you back under control.

Please listen, @ConfusedMum1806 - this man will never be a safe partner.

‘I had to ask chat gpt to redact 14 pages of concerns’ - Just no. That sentence alone gives you your answer. Abusive or not. (Personally I think yes he is) this is not the relationship for you. Please make arrangements to exit swiftly and safely.

He is 43 and showing no desire to change himself, he’s shown who he is. Believe him.

Domestic abuse.

Leave OP. Im Not brave enough to highlight my previous posts but my STBX was/is exactly like this. I’m not a bitch but he’s made my life worse with post separation abuse and I wish him the worst death possible. They never change but do become worse. Start preparing for an exit. Start funnelling funds elsewhere. Protect yourself. Mine is now using the children to get to me- his hatred for me fa exceeds the importance of security, stability and good mental health for the children.

His mum is old school and doesn’t want you to divorce, she cares only what her son wants and not how you feel or how you’re treated. Some mothers can see no wrong in their favourite son! As for him wanting to be no1 in your life, he isn’t, your children are. He seems to have gone down the manosphere route, and instead of treating you well (which would be lovebombing not genuine from the sounds of him) he’s treating you like shit. Leave the abusive controlling manipulating twat. His comments about feeling you emasculated him to your family are so he can use it to isolate you from them if you stay. Your argument to counter this is that he emasculated himself by behaving like he has. If he had been a wonderful husband, you would have bigged him up to your family, he hasn’t, so he has done this himself. Get away from him before it gets worse. Sod the fact he feels distraught, he didn’t think about that when he brought the toxicity to your relationship. Think about how miserable he is making you and how that will affect your children. They see it all.

He’s a nasty abusive piece of shit. Get away from him. Disney is the least of your worries

Ps. I threw everything at my marriage- went into private counselling, spent a fortune on couples counselling only for him to dominate sessions, etc. your children won’t be from a ‘broken’ family because they’ll have a mum who’ll be taking them away from the parent causing the cracks. Good luck (I know it’s not easy).

Sorry about that. I just wanted you to see how men can turn. I'm a friend of hers, and know what she's been through in great detail.

Please look after yourself and your children's interests, sod him.

Thank goodness you have told people IRL rather than trying to cope alone. You've improved the safety of you and your soon to be two gorgeous children by telling other people.

He is abusive. He is miserable. He is angry. He will be all of those things with or without you. It's not your fault. You had a tough conversation with his Mother but you've said what you needed to say. You don't need to explain yourself any more to her.

Time will show you that you did the right thing.

This looks likely to be a battle in who stays in the jointly owned house

This

Op mil is the ' flying monkey' look it up

@ConfusedMum1806I am glad my comment helped. Please keep coming here for support. You MUST also seek support in real life. Tell a close friend and family member.

You need to get some advice and support from specialist domestic violence services.

refuge.org.uk
womensaid.org.uk

You also need to inform your GP and midwife asap as to what is happening. Be 100% honest. You will be supported. Do not be scared. Their duty is to do their best to protect you and your duty. As I said concerns as raised when you do not protect the children. please do this today.

also google domestic violence support in your area.

these services give specialist support and advice, practical advise, legal guidance sometimes, can link you with a family law solicitor for a free consult. They can sort out a refuge for you and your children if you need one. They have advocacy services.

I know it is so so scary. But feelings and emotions WILL PASS. You HAVE to do what is RIGHT.

you and your children will thank you later.

and do not put his name on the birth certificate!!

she broached the subject with me and I opened up to her about my concerns

Please don't do this going forward. She is NOT on your side. Anything you say to her will go directly to him. Also, the reason she wants you to take him back is because she doesn't want him landing up on her doorstep. She sees him as your problem and she doesn't him to become hers.

says all he wants is to feel like he has a proper family unit and to feel like number one, and me retreating from him is causing him to be the worst version of himself.

NO!!! He was already the 'worst version of himself' before you stepped back for your own safety and sanity. Don't buy into his pity me self serving words to his mum. And 'feel like number one' means he wants you to shut up and get back in your box. In a good relationship no one is 'number one'. In a good relationship you are equals and treat each other with respect and consideration. That's definitely not your relationship, is it?

I’ve also been worrying all day about committing to leave, because he could end up moving to an area I don’t like, getting with a woman I don’t know which I’m not comfortable having around my children etc

Actually to me it shows that you do NOT love him. Because you aren't saying "If he loves another I will die!", you are worrying that he may take up with a woman who is unsuitable. That's a sensible worry but no reason to stay! I daresay that if he met a nice woman who was kind to your children you'd probably be a bit relieved that he's taken his abusive focus OFF of you!

his mum also said he feels like my family dislike him as a result of me talking to them for advice about him during our relationship and she told me I shouldn’t have done that

In other words, she thinks it's better that you have NO support that is 100% yours from people whose 1st loyalty is to you. That the only people you can confide in his family, whose first loyalty is to him. Nice.

Don't doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing. And don't talk to his mum about the separation again. If she brings it up say "I really don't want to talk about it. It's between XX and me" and needs to stay that way.