Is my relationship toxic or am I the problem?

[ConfusedMum1806]

This is a long read - forgive me. I’ve had to ask ChatGPT to redact 14 pages of concerns I have about my relationship to make it mumsnet friendly.

I’m 29 with an almost 3 year old girl with another girl due in August. Partner 43 and also has teenage daughter.

Summary for Advice (Relationship + Disneyland Issue)
I’m currently debating therapy with my partner of 4 years whilst trying to understand whether my relationship is healthy/fixable or if I’m being unreasonable/the relationship is too toxic and I should leave for my children’s wellbeing.
Core issues in the relationship

• Communication breakdown:
• Any attempt to discuss concerns often escalates into arguments or shouting. I feel unable to revisit topics without being accused of manipulating him. I’m often interrupted, dismissed, or the conversation gets turned back onto him.
• Verbal abuse & disrespect:
• During arguments he calls me degrading names, mocks me for crying, and says I “love being the victim.” This has really affected my confidence and makes me feel emotionally unsafe.
• Emotional invalidation:
• My feelings are regularly dismissed as “dramatic” or “wrong.” I’m often told I twist things or exaggerate. Over time this has made me doubt my own judgment.
• Threats & intimidation:
• He has said things like I could “push him to hurt me,” and has even said he wanted to strangle me during an argument. I feel anxious about his temper.
• Physical incident:
• While pregnant, he repeatedly tapped my face after I asked him to stop, and when I pushed him away, he twisted my wrist.
• Control & ultimatums:
• He gives ultimatums (e.g. threatening to end the relationship or make me a single mum). I feel like I need permission to see family or do things independently.
• Isolation:
• He criticises my family and friends, which makes me second-guess their advice and withdraw from them.
• Parenting & household imbalance:
• I do most of the childcare and household work. He contributes inconsistently and says traditional gender roles apply, despite me also working.
• Financial imbalance:
• He says he “provides everything,” but dismisses my contributions (including childcare, money I’ve lent him, and things I’ve paid for).
• Impact on me:
• I feel anxious, on edge, isolated, and constantly second-guessing myself. My confidence has dropped significantly.

Disneyland Issue (Main Trigger for Therapy)

• My mum offered to take me and my daughter to Disneyland before I have my second child.
• I felt anxious telling my partner because of past conflicts around “family vs him” and “first experiences.”
• When I raised it, it quickly turned into an argument:
• He said going would be disloyal and taking away his “firsts” with our daughter.
• He gave an ultimatum—saying it’s my choice but clearly the “wrong” one.
• He refused to discuss compromises.
• This is despite:
• Him previously saying he’s unlikely to fly.
• Him never taking his older child abroad.
• I feel:
• Torn between giving my daughter opportunities and keeping the relationship.
• Guilty for even considering going.
• Like any decision I make will be framed as wrong.

What I’m struggling with

• I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is controlling/abusive behaviour.
• I worry I’ve lost perspective and confidence in my own judgment.
• I’m concerned about the environment this creates for my children.
• I feel stuck between:
• Doing what’s best for my daughter
• Avoiding conflict or relationship breakdown

What I need advice on

• Is this behaviour normal or does it sound abusive/controlling?
• Am I wrong to consider taking my daughter to Disneyland without him?
• How would others handle this situation?
• At what point do you accept things won’t change?

My partner will obviously have his side of things which is just as important, but I’m wanting to know if my side of things is enough justification to walk away, or if I’d be abandoning him and raising my children in a broken family unit (which he says is awful to do) if I could’ve prevented this.

He's verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive.

Leave.

I think Disneyland with a 3 year old while you're pregnant is going to be tortuous and they're unlikely to remember much at that age, plus you're restricted to certain rides because of her height. Depending when you go, are you ready for Floridian heat and humidity?

Bloody hell. Absolutely toxic, he is horribly abusive (look up DARVO as just one example), and no, it definitely isn't you that's the problem here.

Oh love, he has manipulated you and controlled you until you are afraid to say 'boo' to a goose. Because it appears that you do nothing without first thinking "What will this 'make' him do to me/say to me?". He has you thinking everything is 'your fault'. But it's exactly the opposite, it's all his fault for being an abusive bastard. You really need to contact WA to discuss coercive control and what they can do to help you and how you can help yourself.

Stop worrying about what separating will do to him and think about what it will do for you and DD. Imagine a home filled with calm, a home where you don't have to be afraid.

It sounds as if you have very supportive parents. Can your dad (because your mum is recuperating) go with you to see a solicitor to discuss his behaviour and all your fears regarding DD and what your H thinks he'll get as access? And to find out what divorce may mean to you financially? If you can take a written 'snapshot' of family finances that will help the solicitor. Taking your dad will mean a second set of ears.

As much as you want to do this peacefully and calmly I think you need to be prepared that he will not allow this to happen without nastiness. And so you need to be ready to leave quickly with DD when he is out of the house. And if it were me, I'd leave without telling him and I'd text him later "Our marriage is over".

If possible gather together some clothing for both of you and any necessities, meds, etc and take them to your parents' when he's not around. That way when you leave you can walk out with your handbag and your keys (and DD of course) as if you were on your way to the shops.

But for now, say nothing to him. The Great I Am's ego probably won't let him believe you'd actually leave so if you've said anything just let it die down. Stealth is on your side.

okay, let me count the ways…

• physical abuse
• emotional abuse
• financial abuse

I would call this a full house.

What else needs to happen for you to prioritise the interests and safety of yourself and your children - and leave this …… (expletive deleted)

Please please leave this man. He's abusive

He is 100% abusive. There is no question about that. I’ve been married over 15 years and my DH has not once done any of the things you listed. These are not the actions of someone who loves and respects you and to be frank it sounds like he lacks any kind of human decency. So the next step will be to leave safely. You need family and friends on board. Take your child with you. I don’t think he will make things easy so you need to steel yourself for that. He may get angry or he may start saying how he can’t live without you etc - both options are designed to keep you in your place. I wish you well, I know it will be tough x

I stopped reading after you said that he twisted your wrist. What advice would you give to your children if any of them told you that their partner had done that to them ?? Seriously, its head wobbling time.....

Threats & intimidation:
He has said things like I could “push him to hurt me,” and has even said he wanted to strangle me during an argument. I feel anxious about his temper.
Physical incident:
While pregnant, he repeatedly tapped my face after I asked him to stop, and when I pushed him away, he twisted my wrist @ConfusedMum1806

You are scared of him and with good reason. Isn't that enough of a reason to leave him?

The fact that you even wrote "physical incident" and don't know if he's abusive is a worry.

I've only pulled out the physical points because physical abuse is easier to recognise, but everything you wrote before made it clear to me he is abusive and controlling.

I don't agree that your daughter isn't under any threat. You might think he wouldn't physically hurt her but he's already physically hurt you whilst pregnant which puts your unborn child at risk.
Not to mention the damage it does to your daughter to be in the house when he is emotionally and physically abusing you.

Why are you with him ? It is toxic and you definitely are NOT the problem.

abuser... big time.

Ignore any suicide threats, they do it to manipulate you

OP he is going to paint you as the villain, or he will try his hardest to. When you start talking to professionals they get the measure of people like him pretty quickly. The people who matter to you will know the truth. The people who believe his lies don’t matter (when he gets a new girlfriend you’ll be described as the crazy ex and good luck to anyone who misses that red flag).

it is difficult to leave any relationship. It is doubly difficult to leave an abusive relationship because they will add problems at every step of the way. Gather as much support as you can now from solicitors, family, friends, DA charities, therapists. He will dial the twatty behaviour up to 100 once he realises that he isn’t in control and you don’t need or want him anymore, so be prepared, you’ll find some peace on the other side.

These types of men more often than not bang on about having the child 50 percent of the time. He’s saying that to further control you, it’s an empty threat and said to hurt you. He’s likely also saying it as a means to dodge paying maintenance.

Wise up op and fast here. He is not your friend and he will NEVER be amicable to you. He will be just as abusive towards you after you separate from him. He will further try and make the process of you separating from him as long and protracted as possible as punishment to you for leaving. These men hate some too, all of them.

Going forward contact Womens Aid, read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood and enrol yourself too onto the Freedom programme. Your dd will also thank you .

And if your man is abusing you then in turn he is abusing your child too.

You have to get over being ‘the bad guy’ I still get painted as that 12 years later and I am now one of three of his crazy exs.

Absolutely true. Deciding that you’re okay with being the “bad guy” will free you from susceptibility to so much manipulation.

OP Sorry you are going through this. Please get intouch with Women's aid/Solace. They can offer you lots of advice to keep you safe and are very discreet. Your parents sound wonderful and so do you.
This man is controlling and you will be much better without him.

You are certainly NOT the problem but he's conditioned you to think you are. You and your children deserve better x

You know you're not unreasonable you just asked an AI to list all the ways in which your partner is an arsehole.

So just read them and answer your own question. Of course you should leave him.

OP. Just leave. I didnt read all your post, and that was cut down you'd said.

Perhaps try counselling once youre away from him, if you feel you need to explore further.

Would you want your children in a relationship like this? Not sure of the gender of your unborn, if a male, would you want your partner as a role model in his life?

Take care.

@ConfusedMum1806

I know the pretty much unanimous LTB has probably overwhelmed you, even scared you a bit. Advice to radically change your life usually does that.

But it also serves as proof to you that what you are thinking and feeling is real and valid.

Remember that we aren't demanding you walk out this very instant. Just that you need to make moves in that direction, sooner rather than later.

Start with talking with your parents about getting some clothing and necessities to their house. They may even already have enough for your DD. I know my folks usually kept a few outfits, PJ, etc for my boys so I didn't have to tote things back and forth. So it may be just getting a few things of yours there and some necessities. That's something you can talk about and do without your H finding out.

Once you've made that first small step, bigger steps will follow. Slow and steady wins the race.

OP, I could make it even simpler for you......
"Are you happy?"
"No"

So make plans to end the relationship.

Thanks so much everyone - unfortunately I now need a bit more advice. Please try and be as impartial as possible. I went to collect my daughter today from my partner’s mum’s house - she broached the subject with me and I opened up to her about my concerns about us not working out due to the way I’m treated. She told me that my partner is devastated and has been crying and says all he wants is to feel like he has a proper family unit and to feel like number one, and me retreating from him is causing him to be the worst version of himself. What was a set decision, I’m now completely torn. I don’t know what to do I feel so guilty about potentially leaving a broken man who’s struggling and lashing out as a result, because I’ve emasculated him or not prioritised him. However I do have to say, his mum agreed he does wrong things but didn’t give me much woman to woman advice, she was telling me we just need to fix it even if it involves therapy. Can you guys please help me?

edit: I’ve also been worrying all day about committing to leave, because he could end up moving to an area I don’t like, getting with a woman I don’t know which I’m not comfortable having around my children etc. all of this is making me worry I still love him

2nd edit: his mum also said he feels like my family dislike him as a result of me talking to them for advice about him during our relationship and she told me I shouldn’t have done that if I was going to stay with him as it warps their view of him. All of this was said nicely but it did feel like she was enabling a bit

Look up Claire Throssell.