Is my relationship toxic or am I the problem?

[ConfusedMum1806]

This is a long read - forgive me. I’ve had to ask ChatGPT to redact 14 pages of concerns I have about my relationship to make it mumsnet friendly.

I’m 29 with an almost 3 year old girl with another girl due in August. Partner 43 and also has teenage daughter.

Summary for Advice (Relationship + Disneyland Issue)
I’m currently debating therapy with my partner of 4 years whilst trying to understand whether my relationship is healthy/fixable or if I’m being unreasonable/the relationship is too toxic and I should leave for my children’s wellbeing.
Core issues in the relationship

• Communication breakdown:
• Any attempt to discuss concerns often escalates into arguments or shouting. I feel unable to revisit topics without being accused of manipulating him. I’m often interrupted, dismissed, or the conversation gets turned back onto him.
• Verbal abuse & disrespect:
• During arguments he calls me degrading names, mocks me for crying, and says I “love being the victim.” This has really affected my confidence and makes me feel emotionally unsafe.
• Emotional invalidation:
• My feelings are regularly dismissed as “dramatic” or “wrong.” I’m often told I twist things or exaggerate. Over time this has made me doubt my own judgment.
• Threats & intimidation:
• He has said things like I could “push him to hurt me,” and has even said he wanted to strangle me during an argument. I feel anxious about his temper.
• Physical incident:
• While pregnant, he repeatedly tapped my face after I asked him to stop, and when I pushed him away, he twisted my wrist.
• Control & ultimatums:
• He gives ultimatums (e.g. threatening to end the relationship or make me a single mum). I feel like I need permission to see family or do things independently.
• Isolation:
• He criticises my family and friends, which makes me second-guess their advice and withdraw from them.
• Parenting & household imbalance:
• I do most of the childcare and household work. He contributes inconsistently and says traditional gender roles apply, despite me also working.
• Financial imbalance:
• He says he “provides everything,” but dismisses my contributions (including childcare, money I’ve lent him, and things I’ve paid for).
• Impact on me:
• I feel anxious, on edge, isolated, and constantly second-guessing myself. My confidence has dropped significantly.

Disneyland Issue (Main Trigger for Therapy)

• My mum offered to take me and my daughter to Disneyland before I have my second child.
• I felt anxious telling my partner because of past conflicts around “family vs him” and “first experiences.”
• When I raised it, it quickly turned into an argument:
• He said going would be disloyal and taking away his “firsts” with our daughter.
• He gave an ultimatum—saying it’s my choice but clearly the “wrong” one.
• He refused to discuss compromises.
• This is despite:
• Him previously saying he’s unlikely to fly.
• Him never taking his older child abroad.
• I feel:
• Torn between giving my daughter opportunities and keeping the relationship.
• Guilty for even considering going.
• Like any decision I make will be framed as wrong.

What I’m struggling with

• I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is controlling/abusive behaviour.
• I worry I’ve lost perspective and confidence in my own judgment.
• I’m concerned about the environment this creates for my children.
• I feel stuck between:
• Doing what’s best for my daughter
• Avoiding conflict or relationship breakdown

What I need advice on

• Is this behaviour normal or does it sound abusive/controlling?
• Am I wrong to consider taking my daughter to Disneyland without him?
• How would others handle this situation?
• At what point do you accept things won’t change?

My partner will obviously have his side of things which is just as important, but I’m wanting to know if my side of things is enough justification to walk away, or if I’d be abandoning him and raising my children in a broken family unit (which he says is awful to do) if I could’ve prevented this.

I only got about a quarter of the way through your post before I could tell your partner is abusive. Seriously. Ditch this man.

Abusive narcissist. It’s so upsetting to think that you don’t even realise how bad this is. Get therapy for yourself and NOT with him. Tell someone close to you how bad this is and don’t be ashamed of it, it’s him that should be ashamed. Be careful, don’t try to tell him about himself or give him chances to change tactics, act ignorant and seek therapy. Get your ducks in a row and if any way possible start thinking about your legal rights to your home etc seek legal advice.

Narc men can be horrendous when you try and leave, you need to be ready to actually do it, threats to leave to manage his behaviour won’t work and if he thinks you’re thinking about it you could be in danger. Be careful ❤️

Agree with others and this relationship is not good, please take steps to leave this abusive man. You and your children deserve so much better! Seek advice from women's aid or refuge.

On a separate note, i feel compelled to say don't go to Disneyland with your mum and daughter now. We went when kids were 3 and 5 and it was totally a waste, and they have no recollection of it at all! They found it overwhelming and were fractious a lot of the time and it was exhausting and stressful for us as parents. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not whilst pregnant!
As such you're unlikely to be able to go on many rides and your DD will not likely remember it within a year or two. Personally Id say wait to go to Disneyland with her and new baby in at least 5 years time!
In the meantime definitely DO go away with your mum and daughter somewhere else if you can, where you can have a bit more downtime AND fun together before the baby arrives xx

OP, all men can be idiotic and a bit unreasonable at times. Mine can be. I think the acid test is whether you can roll your eues and mutter FFS without concern or fear.

I didn't have to read far on your list - the relationship is toxic and that's because your partner is toxic. He is abusive and the very best thing that you can do for yourself and your daughters is leave. I think deep down, you know this. His threats in particular are very disturbing. Don't wait until he escalates into even more extreme physical abuse. Pregnancy is a dangerous time if you're in an abusive relationship as you are especially vulnerable.

Please contact Women's Aid and get support to make a plan to leave safely. Get support from your family too. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Did you actually read the OPs post? Her partner is abusive, not idiotic and a bit unreasonable!

This behavior is absolutely not normal, and you already know that. I am sure your instincts have been sounding alarms for a long time, you just weren’t ready to face them yet. What matters is that you’re seeing things clearly now. It’s never too late to break free. You deserve the space to breathe, to grow, to feel like yourself again. Stepping away can feel terrifying at first, but the freedom on the other side is real, and it’s yours to claim. Hugs❤

This all seems abusive to me. The emotional abuse does start subtle but then builds. It may be worth contacting local domestic abuse charities. They may be able to provide support groups, counselling or help leaving him. Good luck OP, I read on a DA website that leaving is a process not an event, and you’ve started the process by realising he is a twat and you don’t need him.

The tap on your face will turn into a slap, the grabbing and hurting your wrist will turn into a punch, complaining about the time you spend with your family will turn into alienating you from them. Leave now.

If you asked chatgpt to provide an example of abuse it would come up with similar to what you have wrote. If that post is your own words and not AI adding in assumptions, it is very clearly abuse.

Thank you all so much for your support. After speaking with people from work, including other men, my family, my friends and you all - I think it’s time to make the right decision. He hasn’t been home all night and told me he was staying at his mums, so I felt comfortable being in the house we own together with our daughter and prepared telling him we need to end it this week, thinking he will just continue to stay at his mums. My dad has already said he’ll buy him out of the mortgage. But he’s just come home and when I said I thought you were staying at your mums? He said does it look like I’m staying at my mums and walked past me. I’ve come up to bed with our daughter and left him downstairs, he slammed the downstairs door shut. I already feel powerless and on edge again as I now know it’s going to need addressing sooner and also know he feels entitled to be here instead of at his mum’s. I wanted to avoid me leaving the house as I’d be without my daughter and wanted to avoid us both leaving the house as it disrupts her routine and all of our things are here. But if he’s going to be staying here I don’t know what to do now? Feel like my whole plan has been kiboshed - I was hoping to text him confirming it’s ended whilst he was staying at his mums so I could avoid the conflict. If I leave the house and take our daughter he will villainise me and demand to see her, but I also don’t want to be without her. Please help

When I find myself worrying, I pause and ask, “What advice would I give my own daughter?” Hearing those words, as if spoken to her, often helps me step back and view the situation with greater clarity and compassion.
If my daughter was reiterating your message of concerns, I would tell her to run. Fast.

Thanks for replying - to clarify, ChatGPT helped me write my post but based on previous interactions I’d already had with it seeking advice about my relationship. I asked it to summarise the facts based on the previous interactions, edited it and uploaded it on here

Your priority is keeping you and your children safe. You may have to leave the house initially, I would seek urgent legal advice. Could he afford to buy you out or would the house need to be sold?

Don't leave without your daughter. Pack a bag for you both and leave tomorrow, go and stay at your parents. It doesn't matter about upsetting your daughter's routine, she will be fine - the most important thing is to get you both away from him safely. Once with your mum & dad, you can get legal advice and sort things out. You can text him from there and tell him it's over.

He would not let me leave with our daughter without a fight and I’m concerned he’d villainise me, and I’m not prepared to leave without her. He can’t afford to buy me out nor would we have to sell, my dad will buy him out to make sure me my daughter and my unborn baby have a stable home. I told him I’ll leave my child with his mum tomorrow (as she watches her on Thursday) so he can see her after work and I’ll pick her up before bed time - do I just take her to my mums after picking her up and not tell him? I’m so worried about the right thing to do now, feels like a lose lose situation for me and my daughter

This makes me feel guilty and I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for your lovely support, but is this too extreme? I’m worried I’ll end up becoming the bad guy here. I have to go to work tomorrow so have no option but to drop my daughter off with my partner’s mum as planned. My mum would usually have her but can’t as she’s recovering from an op to remove lung cancer. So I need to work out the best solution for the least conflict once I get to picking my daughter up tomorrow. I think letting him see her and then taking her to my mums to sleep is the best option, I’m off on Fridays so can spend Friday with my mum and daughter and dad getting my ducks in a row

Only read the first two pointers, that's enough for me. He's an abuser, if you can get out fast. If you can't get out fast, get a plan into action to get out as soon as you can but get out of this relationship. He won't get better at being a partner, he will get much worse. You and your children deserve better.

Edited, I wouldn't say you are going, just go. Something about this makes me think he's not going to let you go.

I agree with your edit and know this is the right thing to do, but I can’t help but feel guilty about taking away his ability to see our daughter without his knowledge. He’ll be left by himself feeling like shit. But equally I don’t want her around any conflict and I don’t want her to leave my side

It’s also very hard to ‘go’, my mum lives round the corner from our house, as does his mum. So he’s still in very close proximity and could easily reach me if needed

This is the problem with Chat GPT, any human can hear the phrase “14 pages of concerns” and doesn’t need to either read or summarize a thing in order to say that the relationship is doomed.

OP, forget all the background; all you need to focus on now is a) your fastest legal path to eviction, divorce and buying him out, b) taking away his remaining power over you by deciding you don’t give a fuck about “being the villain” in his narrative and c) eliminating contact with him as far as possible so you can focus on your healing. Do not waste a second more of your energy arguing with yourself or him who is right or wrong. It is the least important thing.

Thank you very much for this and I do agree. I’m just worried about how this will actually play out given that in a court of law by daughter is under no threat by him so he is technically entitled to having her half of the time, which he has already told me will be the plan if we split. So I’ve no idea how to achieve all of this amicably with minimal contact

Sorry, I didn't mean for my post to pile pressure on you! Of course you can work out the best way to leave safely and what will work for you. But please don't feel bad or that you're doing something wrong by leaving him - he is an abuser and you don't owe him anything. Don't worry about how he will feel or that he will try and make you feel like the bad guy - let him think what he likes, abusers often play the victim but he knows what he's done to you. Once you leave, you can decide a schedule for him to see and spend time with his daughter. Don't let him bully you and seek legal advice.

What’s the quickest way of getting out of this situation?

Go and see a solicitor and speak to them about buying him out and getting an agreement in place about visiting your daughters.

Based on what you’ve written I would imagine there is no way to achieve this amicably. He is hostile and controlling and will engage with you on that front. You cannot achieve an amicable outcome when only one person is trying to be amicable.

IMO you would be better served by building as strong as possible a case for a larger share of care. That involves establishing previous care norms, documenting and flagging any serious concerns and assembling evidence of yourself as the more appropriate main carer. Do not under any circumstances help make things easier for him eg helping him out with costs of appropriately sized housing etc. If you are not planning to breastfeed, I would make immediate plans to do so.

You could also try manipulating him into believing that a larger split of care your way is in his best interests, but that’s not what I would call an amicable strategy.