Husband suggested opening marriage and mentioned my sister, am I overreacting?

[Falalalalalala86]

Posting in relationships for more traffic as haven’t been able to stop thinking about this. It feels quite petty compared to some things on here but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

DH and I have been together 12 years, married 7. Two kids (9 and 6). Generally we get on well.

Last night after the kids went to bed he asked if we could talk. I assumed it was something normal (finances, holiday plans etc).

Instead he asked if I’d ever thought about “opening up the marriage”.

I genuinely thought he was joking at first but he was completely serious. He said lots of couples do it now and it can actually make relationships stronger.

I was really taken aback and said absolutely not. He then backtracked a bit and said he was “just curious” and we don’t have to do anything.

But it’s really unsettled me.

I asked where this had come from and he said it was just something he’d been reading about online.

Here’s the bit that’s bothering me though.

When I pushed a bit more he eventually admitted there’s a specific person he was thinking about.

And it’s someone I know.

It’s actually my younger sister.

Apparently she’d joked with him a few weeks ago about “modern relationships” when we were all having drinks and he says that’s what made him start thinking about it.

I feel completely weird about the whole thing now and honestly a bit sick.

He’s saying it was just a hypothetical conversation and I’m massively overreacting.

But I can’t get past the fact that he clearly has been thinking about my sister in that way.

AIBU to think this is completely inappropriate or am I turning something stupid into a huge issue?

Haven’t you ever noticed that he’s a weirdo before? You should look through his phone and stuff.

Had this a lifetime ago, my male friend was trying to persuade his girlfriend to give a threesome a go. He had already auditioned the third wheel and his glee at having her say yes evaporated when she asked a male friend if he wanted to join them.

It’s the sister that had the discussion with him first.

DH and i have a very partially open marriage (only acted on a couple of times in about 15 years) but i know some polyamorous people so see how open arrangements per se can work if everyone is comfortable. But the idea of your sister - that has actually made me feel sick. It’s so gross and SO disrespectful of you and your sister and relationships in your family of origin. It makes me wonder what kind of porn sites he’s been on. Sorry this has happened to you, OP. Very hard to come back from this, i think.

Yes, she brought the subject up, maybe lightheartedly, not really meaning it or suggestion 'her and him', but sometimes things get stuck in people's heads. Now he has it on his mind and the sister features hugely.

@Falalalalalala86 it sounds like it was your sister that gave him the idea ? thats if im reading your op right ?

warn the sister, if you read the op the sister suggested the idea first or was talking about it etc

He's not very strategic is he... not an arch manipulator!
We should be thankful for small mercies🙏

ill admit im surprised he had the shall we say balls to ask let alone suggest the sister, thats omg and a sure way for divoice measures etc

We don’t know exactly what was said between the sister and her husband. OP also mentioned she doesn’t think the sister is interested or even likes him. Maybe OP is mistaken and the sister is interested. Or, maybe the husband is a middle aged fantasist clutching at straws?

thats the thing in this case context truly is key

This would be marriage ending for me also, what a fucking creep.
Divorce the bastard then he can open himself up to anyone.

OH ICK.

At least OP’s husband asked.

My husband took a swan dive into the deep end of extramarital filth without so much as a how do you do.

but who was it with ?

Agree

Does he have a younger attractive brother? Call his bluff.

OP, he wasn't joking about any of it. Take it very seriously that your marriage is in trouble. Start protecting yourself. 💐

There are some things you truly cannot come back from.

You deserve so much better, OP.

What an utter ass - destroy his family because he's got some nasty fantasy about your sister and is dumb enough to tell you.

LEAVE HIM.

Well that really would be probably marriage ending for me and would make my skin crawl that he is perving over my younger sister.
🤢

Overreacting and petty? Absolutely not.

@Falalalalalala86, the trauma of hearing your H voice his incestuous desire to shag your Sister will likely explain your underreaction and assumption that he was joking. As he was utterly serious about opening your marriage, it follows that the second part of his proposal was also sincere. Lusting over your Sister/his SIL/Children’s Aunt and proposing to change your marital parameters to act on that is a heinous betrayal. He has certainly been fantasizing about her while being with you.

I strongly suspect that he has already been cheating with other women and is tired of sneaking around. I suggest that you inform your Sister about his disturbing announcement and get her take on their conversation.

@Falalalalalala86, this would definitively spell the end of my marriage. How on earth could you ever come back from this shattering train-wreck which H has perpetrated?

God, that is hilarious!

He wasn't joking - a joke is meant to be funny. Who would even suggest involving your wife's sister in an open marriage? I mean are you both meant to have at him in what sounds like an incredibly creepy threesome with an incredibly creepy man. I know you've got children and history but that would be marriage ending for me. I could never forget it or get past it. Warn your sister if as you say she isn't remotely interested in him. No doubt she will be equally repulsed at the prospect of sharing your husband.

I couldn’t stay with someone who asked my permission to shag my sister. Hilarious that your sister wouldn’t go there him, i’d tell him that too. Watch Mr Casanova’s face drop.

You are not being unreasonable. You can no longer trust him and he is trying to destroy the relationship between you and your sister.

Could be little sister said what she did as a joke and little sister would be horrified if she thought he was serious