Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

@MNLurker1345 The —, chat gpt does that. Humans don’t normally use that symbol.

(Responding to @ConfusedWriter08 What makes you think the posts are AI written? I don’t get it…)

I do - when I am writing on my phone, as I am now, it stays a short hyphen but if I write out a post in MS Word (as I might if I wanted to do a spelling & grammar check) before pasting it in, it would get automatically changed to the grammatically correct — which is known as an m-dash as it takes up the width of an m rather than an n.

@YourShyPlayer If I was in your situation, the real heartbreaker for me would be that she said she didn't hesitate for a moment in saying Yes! And then intimated that even if she had talked to you and you objected, she would have gone anyway. She doesn't seem to have considered the effect on her relationship with you or she has, and you were not her priority. That is tough to hear and personally I do not think I could recover from that. You make it clear this isn't just about your emotional relationship but also about concerns for her safety.

I understand that for cultural reasons you were slow in telling your family about her, but presumably she knew how big this was for you and you did it anyway BEFORE she decided to work abroad. You clearly showed your commitment to her.

As difficult as this is to swallow, I think she has shown her depth of commitment to you and its not what I would expect to see from a committed partner. At the very least she should have talked to you BEFORE making her decision, its not even being worthy of consideration that would kill me as it would tell me that I am not front and foremost in her life decisions.

I was in a similar situation with my then boyfriend years ago where he was offered 12mths abroad for his company, he asked for time to discuss it with me, we realised for practical reason I could not go (not didn't want to) and agreed we would alternate in flying out each month to be together. We were sad but we were committed enough to each other to WANT to make it work. Anyway, he didn't go, he didn't want to lose me, we have been married for 15yrs now.

I'm sorry and this gives me no pleasure - walk away! You appear to love fully and risked major shockwaves through your family to be with her and she hasn't reciprocated and frankly your love is better invested elsewhere.

The long hyphen: - —!

“I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.”

You don’t get to be consulted on anything! Sounds like you’re the wanna be ‘big boss’ in your relationship, but a wuss who’s scared of your own parents. If you had lived with me, but kept me a secret, I’d have gone and not even told you!

If she took your relationship seriously, she would at least have discussed the decision with you before making it. That she didn't tells you all you need to know. Cultural differences, whether you used Chat GTP or not, gender (it was crystal clear from the original post), are all irrelevancies.

Yes correctly the em dash. In previous posts PPs have identified chat gpt responses from the overuse of this symbol amongst other traits.

Hey,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think you sound like Chat GPT at all! You sound perfectly clear and heartfelt.

I think you guys are in a tricky spot. 2 years is a long time, this is a serious relationship and it’s a big deal overcoming cultural barriers and causing a possible rift with your family. I do think that was a big brave step on your part that shows commitment - however, keeping it secret for 2 years definitely wouldn’t have felt good and committed for her regardless, so I can see why she is probably putting herself first (and perhaps took the previous posting abroad).

I also do understand her POV because mid-20s is young and the time to be doing this kind of thing. I was extremely fixated on living abroad during this time (and closer to 30 too) and felt like I needed to do it before I settled down. I ended up taking a year long posting to a (albeit nearby European city) without consulting my now husband and he was quite upset with me but we made it work (and he enjoyed visiting). It did cause some issues in our relationship but we got over it.

This is slightly different with it being a conflict zone. I would say, make clear to her this relationship it’s important to you and you want a future with her - can’t she stick to the original plan of moving abroad together and could you bring the timeline forward so it doesn’t seem so hypothetical?

(Ignore the comment about her wanting to be in a war zone over with you - that isn’t it at all. She’s thinking she would be silly to give up these opportunities for someone who isn’t totally committed (ie the husband comment) and where there isn’t certainty you’ll do this move abroad together).

She's not your wife.
I would have done, too, if more beneficial for myself.
People move on to better their lives.
Hope this helps.

Ignore the meanies in this thread op. You sound heartbroken and I’m not surprised. But I’d take this as a sign that she’s just not that in to you. It happens in the mid-20s a lot. People are still growing up and figuring out who they are. I would let her go, wish her well and move on. Bearing in mind the family incompatibility, you’ll probably look back and realise it was for the best.

You blame her for the fact that you had to have a big fight with your family.
Sorry, but the fact that your family is intolerant (because let's just call it for what it is) is not her fault or her problem. And I'm saying this as a white woman married to an Indian. My DH dealt with this 15 years ago with his family and never said anything like "oh, I had to have a big fight, so now you have to listen to what I say, because I sacrificed so much for you". However, he was more in his mid 30s, so I'm thinking maybe you are still a little immature right now and see it as a big sacrifice because of your upbringing. This will change, but I think it will be too late for you guys. Personally, I think she dodged a bullet by leaving, because you would resent her if you guys got married, and I'm not sure you would have the courage to protect her from your family for years and years. Trust me, I've seen this happen sadly many times with others.

I use it all the time. Not as much as Emily of new moon, but it’s certainly more common in the writing of people who are big readers.

I can't see what 'cultural differences' would necessitate you keeping your live-in girlfriend a secret for two years. You sound a bit immature, or maybe just very young. She might be right that you're not ready to make plans yet.

You don't get to make rules for your girlfriend's career and 'forgive her' when she 'breaks' them. Who put you in charge?

Yes, it would be nice if she had spoken to you about but to be honest you are coming across as slightly controlling. You say that you both agreed that you would go abroad together only but it certainly appears that she did not. When she said that her company would not take you seriously what did she mean? Do you expect her company to take you into consideration. She is young and is being given a opportunity. It is at the end of the day but to her if she takes it or not.

I was her once. I was in a relationship and I accepted a job abroad. My boyfriend was good, I did the year, came back home and started looking for jobs. I found another dream job but it was miles away. My boyfriend said “but you’ve just done a year away, why don’t you want to be here?” To be fair he had a point. At the time I was enjoying my life and opportunities. I was young. Too young to settle. I didn’t get the job and I did stay with him but it didn’t last. And I went on to find more wonderful opportunities and worked abroad again. Years down the road I look back on those experiences as some of the best things that I’ve done. He is a distant, unimportant memory. He wasn’t the one.
But I do get that you’re worried about the current situation and the war.

A relative of mine went to work in UAE where they do not recognise same sex marriage. They had to go as "colleagues" and more or less conceal their relationship. Its far easier for two woman living together because the authorities just view them as "friends" so long as they are discreet.

I completely agree with every word of this. You are not unreasonable to be upset. You’ve learnt you’ll sacrifice for her but she won’t for you. Probably time to move on.

I will be 70 next year and I have used dashes in my written communication since I used them in my hand-written A level essays - more years ago than I care to remember. I was in my late 20s before I had reason to use word processing - although I had learned to use a typewriter several years before. My communications are nearly all written on a keyboard these days - nothing about my style has changed much but, on occasion, the editing software autocorrects my dashes as it does other things in my writing. C'est la vie - unfortunately.

I haven't RTFT, but you mentioned her moving to a different company to get international experience. As a newcomer, is she very likely to be prioritised for this? I'd have thought longer serving employees would be asked first. So she might have moved for no reason.

Re the "She'd prefer to go to a war zone than be with you..." narrative, just remember that 2 weeks ago, places like dubai weren't in a war zone.

I have two friends who actively hid the love of their lives from family for years (5 years for one!) because they knew their families would be unbearable - they were expected to marry within their culture and the pressure was so so intense. Both eventually ended up marrying the person. The fallout was absolutely awful (lasted decades) for one and was not so terrible for the other (family had come round by the wedding). I don't think people can understand who haven't been through it.

Agree with this - it can be a massive issue. I've witnessed this through family - close family members where one partner was from a different ethnic background / culture was told by parents to end the relationship. They continued to see each other in secret until an unplanned pregnancy brought it all out into the open - still happily married and fully accepted and adored by both sides of the family. If it hadn't been for the pregnancy who knows how long they would have continued to see each other in secret

Within that partners extended family there was another couple - same ethnic background and culture but different classes within that culture (although the class issue was more historic and had no bearing on the couples current status in life). Partner from the higher class was told to break up or they would be ostracised from the family. They complied for a while but couldn't live with it and was prepared to give up the family to marry the partner.

It was only because the situation with my close family members had worked out and a discussion between parents where the objecting parents were basically told they needed to get over themselves because losing their child wasn't worth it and they would actually be gaining another child that they were 'allowed' to marry with the families blessing!

That was literally my first thought too. Thank goodness it's not just me 😁
I suspiciously side eye things when I see that big dash thing.

You are in your 20s. She would be mad to give up a good, career-furthering opportunity for a relationship. If her career is one when you would routinely live and work overseas then you need to get to grips with that. I would also say a year is an incredibly short posting and very easy to do as a long distance relationship when you factor in a couple of good holidays; she'll be working all the time and given the current security situation in UAE I imagine there are no partner postings anyway. Both I and lots of friends have done it. I certainly wouldn't be 'seeking permission' which there is a bit of an undertone with your posting.

I have a career like that. I did postings without my partner, and later, with. It was baked into the deal. It's fine if you don't want a relationship with someone whose career is like that, but please don't ask her to change that for you.

There's also something quite wrong with your 'war zone' and 'country with a high rate of Violence Against Women'. Firstly, as an ex-pat you're massively protected from all of that and the security is usually very good. Secondly, are you implying she needs you to protect her? That's very, very, icky.

This says it all, really. My DH (then BF) was offered overseas postings in his twenties and even 30s. I never stood in his way if he wanted to take them, but he ALWAYS asked his managers to think about it and discussed it with me first.

Not least because, in fact, jumping at an offer of a placement too quickly often looks ill-considered and it’s important as your career progresses that you model professionalism. Taking your time, asking to consider it and having space to ask questions about the detail, are all professional traits - if you seem too keen it can actually be a bit of a red flag to management.

I think it’s totally fine for her to consider a posting, to explore what this might mean for her career, but to do so without taking a breath to discuss it and the impact on her relationship with OP, or their plans, I think does indicate that she is not in the same space in her relationship.

All the MN noise about his keeping her a secret from his family is daft - so long as she knew about it (and why) and navigated it with him, it isn’t an issue. It’s not as if she has said, ‘ well you didn’t tell you parents about me until now, so I decided not to discuss this posting with you’… and if she did it would be even more of an indication that he should accept the relationship may not have legs.

Em dash

To be fair he was asked whether he was using ChatGPT - he was probably telling the truth.

He could just as easily been using Claude, Gemini or Co-Pilot!

But why is using AI to help write something an issue as long as the content is true - especially if you are writing something in a language that isn't your native one or if it is a style that you are not used to.

It's really helpful technology if used correctly - I've used it to learn how to code, to standardise some professional report writing much quicker than I could have done it manually and it has really helped with some of my ADHD issues.

Every advancement has had its critics and criticising people for using widely available technology is a zero sum game - I mean unless we want to go back to writing on parchment with a quill and ink!

Some people don't want to be conversing with AI generated content, they want to interact with human stuff. You know, real emotions and real words from actual people. Not words sputtered out of a machine. It never comes off genuine.